Quite a few funny jokes (some mature content)

[Austin.]

A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."

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A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home.He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects.So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek.At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air.But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
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Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas.And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.

"Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out."

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said "Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it." "Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

"Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!"

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An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap
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This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into the soup. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the food and this was too much for him.

"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!'

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."


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Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."

I hope you all enjoyed these as I know I did.
Surely there will be some haters but for all ya'll who like them thanks.

[Mrmakee]

Some old ones, some new ones, good ones and bad ones. Nice try.

1. Old but always makes me chuckle 6/10.
2. Never heard it but didn't really like it 4/10
3. Hehehe good one i thought 8/10
4. Another good one 8/10
5. This one didn't do it for me 3/10
6. I've seen this one on a powerpoint it was much better, so this kinda wrecked it for me 1/10
7. Another old one but I still get a chuckle 7/10

[Shoryuken]

1. 4/10
2. 8/10
3. 5/10
4. Old 3/10
5. 8/10
6. 8/10 lol, marital sex.

Overall: 6/10 Not bad.

[Freakout]

First and third were awesome; the others were groaners.

EDIT: Forgot to put in a smiley.

[Velocity]

The first and the third were hilarious.

[Tubby_23]

They were all pretty good overall 7/10

[Dark Sage]

A lot of them I heard before.

5/10

[modi25]

All were 7/10 except the last cos I've heard that a million times.

[Vermillion]

1. 8/10 Great
2. 9/10 I didn't see that coming
3. 10/10 Brilliant. Just brilliant
4. 7/10 Good one.
5. 6/10 Dude that bad.
6. 6/10 Another good one.
7. 3/10 Dissapointing compared to the others.

Overall 7.5/10

[Velocity]

Actually, considering your totals, wouldn't overall be 7/10?

[Vermillion]

Actually it should be. I didn't bother counting them up and put anything down. So Overall 7/10.

[deanlad]

third 1 was great

[Pochitos]

Originally Posted by Austin.

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas.And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.

"Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out."

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said "Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it." "Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

"Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!"

I lol'd so hard.

[Migraine.]

"Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!"

#

Who needs anti-deppressants when you have that?

I LOL'd for Hours.

[Dr. Manhattan]

I really liked the third one.