Are there any out there?

[Day Man]

So every topic I visit..everyone says how the joke sucks.
Can someone please give me an example of a good joke then..?

[joey_zmk]

although every joke i post sucks penis, i will try again just for the hell of it:

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-****ing-believable!”

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna **** around?”

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guys says ‘Well…for my whole life I’ve never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says “How would you define peace?”

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the penis by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

and if you say you've heard these before, i'll know you've been lying because i googled "100 jokes that you have never heard"

[Typhon]

Well, you're wrong, because I DID hear those jokes before...

[Day Man]

No come on. everyone posts a joke they find funny since every just hates on all the other jokes!

[FalconZero]

I've heard the last one, so either the site you went to is really old, or you just suck at determining if jokes are good or not.

Overall: 4/10

[Shoryuken]

Originally Posted by FalconZero

I've heard the last one, so either the site you went to is really old, or you just suck at determining if jokes are good or not.

Overall: 4/10

Or both.

Last one is old but still kinda good
Liked the Jesus one.

Overall: 4/10 from me as well.

[Day Man]

Haha, I'm not asking for this. I just want everyone to post a joke they like!

[The Eye in the Sky!]

The problem is that someone notorious for giving people bad ratings won't subject themselves to being critiqued by others. People would rather badger others than actually find something worthy. It's how the internet works.

Yes, I lurk in here but rarely post. I actually like a fair share of jokes people tend to crap all over. I'm terrible at telling jokes as well. I'm more into gags and satire, which doesn't translate well to this forum, so I don't even try.

I actually respect the people who put themselves out there with a joke than these people just criticising and never contributing, even if the joke isn't the greatest or has been posted before.

I'm with you, Alkaline, I'd love to see a great joke posted by some of these people that claim to know comedy.

[Freakout]

Originally Posted by The Eye in the Sky!

The problem is that someone notorious for giving people bad ratings won't subject themselves to being critiqued by others. People would rather badger others than actually find something worthy. It's how the internet works.

I'm with you, Alkaline, I'd love to see a great joke posted by some of these people that claim to know comedy.

In my case, I like to believe I've posted more than my fair share of jokes in this forum to get to the level of "prestige" that I'm at now. I didn't become a mod just by asshat-ery

Though, thinking from that perspective, I can see how others might see me as a lazy condescending S.O.B. you does nothing to contribute other than posting Cartmans a lot.

Speaking of which, the Monastery, the nuts-in-an-alligator's-mouth, and the genie-in-a-bottle jokes are all old. But the other two I liked.

[Kat]

Originally Posted by joey_zmk

and if you say you've heard these before, i'll know you've been lying because i googled "100 jokes that you have never heard"

Yeah, 'cause if it's on Google then obviously the world has never heard of it. Riiight.

The problem with your jokes isn't that they're old or unfunny, it's that you somehow manage to take funny jokes and ruin the punchline. I don't know if you change them to make them funnier/"new" or if you just need better sources. For instance, in that blackjack one he is supposed to miss the last card and the voice goes "f*ck!" or something to that effect. "How do you define peace?" isn't really funny either. I prefer the ol' bridge to Hawaii wish and the genie saying "two lanes or four?" Even though it's not really the point of the joke, it's funnier IMO. But whatever...

This one is hardly new but I thought it was better written than a lot of jokes are nowadays:

A great fruit cake recipie
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.

http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/netchat.gif

[joey_zmk]

I wasn't serious about the whole google thing in case you didn't pick that up.
But anyway, I always read funny warning labels when I need a laugh, but maybe its just me:

Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Sign at Railroad Station

Cannot be made non-poisonous.
Windshield Wash Fluid

Caution: Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object.
Hammer

Caution: Hot beverages are hot!
Coffee Cup

Caution: Never drive with the cover on your windshield
Automobile Windshield cover:

Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish
Dog Shampoo

Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.
Rubber Ball

Directions: Use like regular soap
Dial soap

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
Swedish chain saw

Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.
SGI computer

Do not drive car or operate machinery.
Children's cough medicine

Do not eat toner.
Laser Printer Cartridge

Do not eat urinal cakes.
Rest Stop in Wisconsin

Do not light the flame near the face.
Cigarette Lighter

Do not look into laser with remaining eye.
Laser Pointer

Do not pour liquids into your television set.
Television Owner’s Manual

Do not put lit candles on phone.
Cordless Phone

Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.
Battery

Do not turn upside down. (printed on bottom of the box)
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert

Do not use for drying pets.
Microwave Oven

Do not use intimately.
Deodorant

Do not use orally after using rectally.
Electronic Thermometer

Do not use orally.
Toilet Bowl Cleaning Brush

Fits one head.
Hotel Shower Cap

For external use only!
Curling Iron

For indoor or outdoor use only.
Christmas lights

For lifting purposes only
Car Jack

If swallowed or lodged in ear or nose see doctor.
Ray-O-Vac Renewal AA Batteries

If you are seated in an exit aisle and are unable to read this, please ask a stewardess to reseat you.
Cayman Airlines safety booklet

Instructional video on hooking up your VCR included.
VCR

Keep out of children.
Korean Kitchen Knives

Not dishwasher safe.
TV Remote Control

Not for human consumption.
Package of Dice

Not for weight control.
Breath Savers

Not to be used as a personal flotation device.
6x10 inch inflatable picture frame

Not to be used as protection from a tornado.
blanket from Taiwan

Not to be used for the other use.
Japanese food processor

Open packet and eat contents.
Pack of Peanuts

PARENT: Please exercise caution—mask and chest plate are not protective; cape does not enable wearer to fly.
Bat Man The Animated Series Armor Set

Peel fruit from cellophane before eating.
Fruit Roll-ups

Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator.
Grapes

Product will be hot after heating.
Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding

Remember: Objects in mirror are actually behind you.
Bike Helmet Mirror

Remove used tampon before inserting a new one.
Tampax Tampons

Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Swann frozen dinners

Theft of this container is a crime.
Milk Crate

There shall be three (3) access levels with level 4 being the highest level.
Fire Alarm System

This camera only works when there is film inside.
Camera

This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly.
Halloween Superman Costume

THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
Insect Spray from New Zealand

Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.
Soft Drink

Use caution when using near fire, flame, or sparks.
Fireplace Lighter

USE EXTREME CAUTION when stretching cord over load. Keep face and other vulnerable body parts away from potential cord rebound path.
Bungee cord

USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
Taiwanese shampoo

Warning - this spray is harmful to bees
Insect Spray

Warning! Never iron clothes on the body.
Rowenta Iron

Warning: contains nuts
Sainsbury's Peanuts

Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.
Midol PMS

WARNING: Do not use in shower. Never use while sleeping.
Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer

Warning: Do not use on eyes.
Heated Seat Cushion

Warning: drug may cause sleepiness.
Sleeping Pill Prescription

Warning: Flame may cause fire.
Butane Lighter

Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
Rat Poison

Warning: knives are sharp!
Sharpening Stone

Warning: may cause drowsiness.
Nytol

Warning: May contain small parts.
Frisbee

WARNING: Not for use as earplugs.
Silly Putty

Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated.
Pop-Tarts

Warning: Remove child before folding baby stroller.
Baby Stroller

Warning: This product can burn eyes
Curling Iron

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Fritos

[modi25]

Kat i still say his jokes are dumb. but i agree with you that the punchline is the main cause of this. not one of the jokes in the first post nor the above gave me the slightest giggle.