List Jokes

[joey_zmk]

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm
shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following headlines were actually printed in newpapers. The irony in some of these is absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes akward). Check them out…

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Deer Kill 17,000
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers Strike Idle Kids
Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

[Vermillion]

The court ones were posted some time ago and Jamie could tell a whole more. The headlines were stupid and not funny and come back at Bill Gates wasn't funny.

[Mrmakee]

Yeah last one was horrible, headlines weren't that great and the golf has bneen posted before

[Tubby_23]

That bedroom golf one was posted less then 3 weeks ago in this forum. You do just get old jokes and use them dont you.

FAIL

[christine2027]

FUnny, Haha...

[Typhon]

My Vicodine makes me laugh at all of this... except the Bill Gates thing... and most of the Golf Course thing...

Well, the headlines had me rolling... but I'm high right now, so I don't care...

[CDink]

all 3 were freaking hilarious man, especially the headlines.