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Old May 1st, 2012, 12:07 AM   #1: [Thread] [Post]
Whale Biologist
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Quick question...

So lately I've been friend-zoned by a few different girls. Is that something preventable or is it as simple as not having met the right girl yet,
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Old May 1st, 2012, 12:35 AM   #2: [Thread] [Post]
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It's preventable, I've found. You have to know when to make your move to make it clear your intentions. You don't want to wait so long that they lose interest. No matter what some chicks will use it as an excuse but mostly I think it depends on you.
 
 

 
Old May 1st, 2012, 06:00 AM   #3: [Thread] [Post]
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Agreed with Op. Don't wait too long, but I'd also advise not diving in straight away.
 
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Old May 4th, 2012, 11:47 AM   #4: [Thread] [Post]
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Thirded. If you want to get technical you could suggest that when you find the 'right' girl things will move in that direction naturally, but equally if you are genuinely interested in a girl there is an onus on you to make your intentions known. If you sit back and do nothing, and in the process provide no sign to her of your feelings, you always run the significant risk of ending up becoming a friend and nothing more.
 

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Old May 4th, 2012, 09:51 PM   #5: [Thread] [Post]
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Pretty much what they said. It's entirely preventable.

If you are getting friend-zoned by multiple girls, it may be something in your approach. Maybe you are making yourself too available, coming on too strong, being too accommodating, being too asexual or otherwise not putting the vibe out there...etc.

The best way to prevent it is to acknowledge (publicly or privately) what it is: a one-way, exploitative relationship. Girls will keep you zoned as long as you keep letting them. Knowing this information tends to color your interactions with them and can be preventative in itself. If a girl gets a sense that you won't be exploited, it translates to a sense that you respect yourself and won't tolerate them stringing you along.

Don't get me wrong--maybe they don't intend to exploit you at first...it usually starts simple, like they "don't know what [they] want," or you're a nice guy and they don't want to hurt your feelings by outright rejecting you. Whatever the rationale, they wind up getting all the benefits of being courted without having to give much in return. Of course they are going to keep that going...it's a sweet deal.

The trick with the friend-zone is to not let yourself be exploited. Make your feelings known (at the right time) and if you are friend-zoned, the best thing you can do is get out of there. If you make yourself unavailable, it tends to put things into perspective for the friend-zoner. They can't string you along while deciding how they feel. They have to decide before someone else nabs your attention.

So yeah, look for someone else who isn't going to take advantage of you, pursue your own interests, maybe even make yourself over--work out and get some new clothes--make yourself even more eligible. You won't get strung along if they know you are actively looking and have other options besides them. It also shows that you have self-respect when you refuse to be zoned. That is the best way to prevent the zone.
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Old May 4th, 2012, 11:52 PM   #6: [Thread] [Post]
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Keep in mind though, it is entirely possible, though very difficult, to move from the friend zone to dating. I kind of specialize in it by remaining persistent though not over bearing or super obvious. It does take a bit longer...months, opposed to days or weeks, but for the right person, it's worth it.
 
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Old May 5th, 2012, 01:48 AM   #7: [Thread] [Post]
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Methos View Post
Pretty much what they said. It's entirely preventable.

If you are getting friend-zoned by multiple girls, it may be something in your approach. Maybe you are making yourself too available, coming on too strong, being too accommodating, being too asexual or otherwise not putting the vibe out there...etc.
I asked because I've gotten friend-zoned a lot over the years. I do the little intimate stuff on dates like kissing and holding hands just fine, but I've never really been sure when "dating" ends and "relationship" begins. Maybe that's what my problem is, but it could also be that I'm too accommodating or it just takes me to damn long to actually develop feelings for somebody. I haven't quite been able to put my finger on it.

Quote:
The best way to prevent it is to acknowledge (publicly or privately) what it is: a one-way, exploitative relationship. Girls will keep you zoned as long as you keep letting them. Knowing this information tends to color your interactions with them and can be preventative in itself. If a girl gets a sense that you won't be exploited, it translates to a sense that you respect yourself and won't tolerate them stringing you along.

Don't get me wrong--maybe they don't intend to exploit you at first...it usually starts simple, like they "don't know what [they] want," or you're a nice guy and they don't want to hurt your feelings by outright rejecting you. Whatever the rationale, they wind up getting all the benefits of being courted without having to give much in return. Of course they are going to keep that going...it's a sweet deal.

The trick with the friend-zone is to not let yourself be exploited. Make your feelings known (at the right time) and if you are friend-zoned, the best thing you can do is get out of there. If you make yourself unavailable, it tends to put things into perspective for the friend-zoner. They can't string you along while deciding how they feel. They have to decide before someone else nabs your attention.
This is exactly what I did last time. I felt kind of bad about it because the girl was pretty honest with me about not wanting to string me along and I felt like I came off as a jerk because I just bailed on the conversation. We ended up talking it out a few days later and I think we're okay, but I'm probably not going to pursue her or treat her like somebody I'd date the next time I talk to her.

Quote:
So yeah, look for someone else who isn't going to take advantage of you, pursue your own interests, maybe even make yourself over--work out and get some new clothes--make yourself even more eligible. You won't get strung along if they know you are actively looking and have other options besides them. It also shows that you have self-respect when you refuse to be zoned. That is the best way to prevent the zone.
I've been working out over the last year or so and I'm like 30 lbs. lighter and I've bought some new clothes. Self-respect and confidence aren't issues for me, but admittedly I don't get out much because of my job so maybe I don't meet enough girls to just let go sometimes.

Anyway, I really appreciate the well thought-out reply. I've probably got a little self-exploration to do I guess, lol.
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Old May 6th, 2012, 01:32 AM   #8: [Thread] [Post]
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Old May 9th, 2012, 01:45 PM   #9: [Thread] [Post]
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadowspirit View Post
Keep in mind though, it is entirely possible, though very difficult, to move from the friend zone to dating. I kind of specialize in it by remaining persistent though not over bearing or super obvious. It does take a bit longer...months, opposed to days or weeks, but for the right person, it's worth it.
I don't know that I'd recommend that approach to someone personally. Once a girl knows you are interested and you aren't going away, they tend to string you along indefinitely. Once you start investing time in a situation like that, it becomes harder for you to walk away from as well--even if it isn't going anywhere. I find it is much more effective to do the opposite--get out of there ASAP. It tends to put things in perspective for the woman--"a bird in the hand" kind of thing. It doesn't always work, but it is certainly more healthy than allowing yourself to be exploited.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Whale Biologist View Post
This is exactly what I did last time. I felt kind of bad about it because the girl was pretty honest with me about not wanting to string me along and I felt like I came off as a jerk because I just bailed on the conversation. We ended up talking it out a few days later and I think we're okay, but I'm probably not going to pursue her or treat her like somebody I'd date the next time I talk to her.
That might just be the problem there...you got friend-zoned and then felt bad when you stood up for yourself. Granted, it's a hunch on my part, but that is a trait of someone who allows himself to be pushed around. Yeah, it can be tough to stand up for yourself, but you have to respect yourself first if you ever want anyone to respect you back.
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Old May 18th, 2012, 08:19 AM   #10: [Thread] [Post]
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Methos View Post
I don't know that I'd recommend that approach to someone personally. Once a girl knows you are interested and you aren't going away, they tend to string you along indefinitely. Once you start investing time in a situation like that, it becomes harder for you to walk away from as well--even if it isn't going anywhere. I find it is much more effective to do the opposite--get out of there ASAP. It tends to put things in perspective for the woman--"a bird in the hand" kind of thing. It doesn't always work, but it is certainly more healthy than allowing yourself to be exploited.
Hmm see, the key point to doing this is not allowing yourself to be strung along. Be a "friend", whilst teasing her, and making small moves at the appropriate times (touching her "innocently). Joking about hooking up and just generally playing the teaser works very well to transition this. Just dont spend money on them, and don't throw yourself in front of her like a mat. And also, be sure to tease other girls in front of them, subtly, and if they say anything tease them about being jealous. Be suave.

Every long term girlfriend I've had, I got like this. Also, it allows you the time to know her enough to realize if you really want to be with this girl or if its just an infatuation (i.e. one night stand or **** buddy)
 

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