My Favorite Jokes

[Mike^2]

So this is one of my favorites, but I don't know particularly where it came from:


Bizarre Interview Behavior

Most managers and supervisors (and HR people) have had experiences interviewing candidates for job openings. I'm sure each of you has, at one time or another, been baffled by interviewee behaviour, but we're betting you haven't faced some of the behaviours that we list below. Certainly head-scratchers, and amusing (at least to read about). Strange but true.

Based on a survey published via the Internet, here are some of the odd things reported by HR professionals.

1. "Candidate said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent."

2. "Candidate stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

3. "She brought her large dog to the interview."

4. "Candidate chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles."

5. "Candidate kept giggling through serious interview."

6. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

7. "Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece." (my favorite)

8. "Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle."

9. "Candidate asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

10. "Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office."

11. "Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview."

12. "Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president."

13. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

14. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

15. "He wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police."

16. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

17. "He had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him."

18. "Candidate bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet."

19. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

20. "Candidate pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

21. "Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer I had made was formal."

22. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

23. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

24. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

25. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

26. "An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus."

27. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

28. "He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped."

29. "He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time."

30. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

31. "He whistled when the interviewer was talking."

32. "He asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."

33. "She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened."

34. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

35. "Candidate asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview."

36. "After filling out part of an application, candidate asked to make a local phone call which turned out to be long distance to another country. Asked to finish the call, candidate continued filling out application then abruptly left office. Candidate returned an hour later to ask for another application form and after being left for five minutes to fill it in, was found on the office phone yet again. When confronted, candidate ran out the door."

37. "Interviewer left a candidate during an interview to handle another matter, only to return and find the candidate going through her purse on the desk."

38. "Applicant began to explain why there was a gap in her work experience then broke down sobbing and couldn't speak any more."

39. "Paused for up to a minute's awkward silence after every question. After an exasperating twenty minutes the interview finished and the candidate explained they had just been involved in a road accident but hadn't wanted to cancel the interview."

[Mike^2]

Since I've eaten a pickle today, its perfect timing for some pickle statistics!


Pickles will kill you!

Every pickle you eat brings you closer to death. Amazingly, the "thinking man" has failed to grasp the terrifying significance of the term, "in a pickle." Pickles are associated with all the major diseases of the body. Eating them breeds wars and communism. They can be related to most airline tragedies. Auto accidents are caused by pickles. There exists a positive relationship between crime waves and consumption of this fruit of the curcurbit family. For example:

Nearly all sick people have eaten pickles. The effects are obviously cumulative.

99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten pickles.

100% of all soldiers have eaten pickles.

96.8% of all communist sympathizers have eaten pickles.

99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate pickles within 14 days preceding the accident.

93.1% of juvenile deliquents come from homes where pickles are served.

Evidence points to long term effects of eating pickles:

Of the people born in 1839 who later dined on pickles, there has been a mortality rate of 100%.

All pickle eaters born between 1908 and 1918 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones, and failing eyesight--if the ills of eating pickles have not already caused their death.

Even more convincing is the report of a noted team of medical specialists:
rats force-fed with 20 pounds of pickles per day for 30 days developed bulging abdomens. Their appetites for wholesome food were destroyed.

In spite of all the evidence, pickles growers and packers continue to spread their evil. More than 120,000 acres of fertile US soil are devoted to growing pickles. Our per capita consumption is 4 pounds.

Eat orchid petal soup. Practically no one has as many problems from eating orchid petal soup as they do from eating pickles.

[Wej]

Mike you crack me up sometimes. I fell to the floor and began rolling because the jokes were funnier when read on the floor and I like to roll. So good ones.

[Mike^2]

Best way to read a joke! :D

(I think I'll submit something every couple of days just to keep the fun going)

[Northern Lights]

Wasn't sure about the pickles one, but the interview was great. :D

[Mike^2]

Well, the pickles one is supposed to be funny just based on how they make clearly biased statistics that claim pickles are dangerous.

[Northern Lights]

Oh, I understand it. Just not my kind of joke, I guess. :shrug:

[Mike^2]

Something for us math people to laugh at I suppose :nerd:

And a quick one liner:
If at first you don't succeed, DON'T try skydiving!

[Wej]

I loved the pickle thing the interview was okay. The one liner was meh.

[Mike^2]

Mix and match and find something for everybody!

[Spindrift]

The pickle one didn't really get me. Jokes similar to it are usually okay, but I would have liked it better had it been about something less common. :shrug:

And what's "orchid pedal soup"?

[Mike^2]

Apparently something really uncommon. I've never heard anything about it.

[Wej]

I am guessing orchid petals mixed with some broth that give it a small different flavor. Can't be worse than cabbage soup though.

[Mike^2]

I posted a video that I find funny in the video subforum. I need to find my huge 1 liner list...


Now for something in the flavor of the first joke:

Actual Ads

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home.

[Jawni]

The ads were great. :D I've seen similar ones myself, as well as some that have silly spelling mistakes that make them hilarious.

Pickles were meh, but according to those statistics, I have a very high chance of dying.

Interview stuff were fun.

[Mike^2]

And for more math humor!

The Salary Theorem

Salary theorem states that "Engineers, Doctors, and Teachers can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates.

Postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power
2. Time is money

As every physics student knows, Power = Work\Time.
Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money, we have Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for money we get Money = Work/Knowledge

Thus as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of my work done.

CONCLUSION: The less you know the more you make.


The Insane Mathematician (some may like this)

An insane mathematician gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!!!" Everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one lady stays. The guy comes up to her and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" The lady calmly answers: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."

[Jawni]

Yeah... Obviously the first one is the crowd favorite, and actually a funny one too. :D

The second one... I do get the punchline, but ehhhh... Just not funny. xP

[Mike^2]

Yeah, it's not especially funny, but I figured I would throw it out anyway with the math jokes.

[Major Isoor]

I liked the interviews and pickle ones the most - I especially liked the one where it states that there has been a 100% mortality rate of people who have eaten pickles in 1839 :chuckle: Keep 'em coming, Mike!

[Mike^2]

Inspired by a friend:

"Lets eat Grandma"
"Lets eat, Grandma"
PUNCTUATION. IT SAVES LIVES!

[Northern Lights]

lol

Silly but good fun.

[Wej]

I have seen a lot of punctuation jokes, but I like the eating ones. Also the math for the second one I forgot about. Darn you Mike making me re learn something for a joke!:bah:

[Psychic]

I don't get the second math one. The first math one I'll show to my former geometry teacher.

[Mike^2]

Good old calculus. That's what I'm teaching right now actually.

[Wej]

Calc teacher... I could never do that my least favorite form of math nope doesn't do it for me. Give me some geometry though and I will show you!

[Mike^2]

Haha I must say I love both of those. Ah to go back to undergraduate mathematics...

Anybody interested in seeing some really random rambling? It's some of my original humor from years ago, but it is painful to read :P.

And a new joke!

Martha Stewart's Way vs. Everyone Else's

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
*****
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
*****
Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
*****
Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
*****
Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
*****
Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
*****
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
*****
Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
*****
Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"
My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just too bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.
*****
Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
*****
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
*****
Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
*****
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
*****
Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
*****
Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
*****
Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
My way: Leftover wine?
*****
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
*****
Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
*****
Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.
* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.
* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.
* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).
My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

[bman3k]

I liked everything up to the Martha Stewart section... no offense, but most of those were pretty stupid in unfunny ways. Everything else was good though :D

[Mike^2]

Just another of my random things in my archive of jokes. I like the one about lime for a headache though :chuckle:.

[Jawni]

They're actually not half that bad. :D I liked most of them.

[Wej]

Number 18 made me laugh. I really want to do that now and have a bacon bits dispenser in my kitchen as well to get grease of my face!!

[Mike^2]

Well, let's see what else I've got:
Random one liner: If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

And on to more jokes!

50 Methods of Mathematical Proof (I've got too many math jokes)

If the proof of a theorem is not immediately apparent, it may be because you are trying the wrong approach. Below are some effective methods of proof that may aim you in the right direction.

1. Proof by Obviousness: "The proof is so clear that it need not be mentioned."
2. Proof by General Agreement: "All in Favor?"
3. Proof by Imagination: "Well, we'll pretend its true."
4. Proof by Convenience: "It would be very nice if it were true, so..."
5. Proof by Necessity: "It had better be true or the whole structure of mathematics would crumble to the ground."
6. Proof by Plausibility: "It sounds good so it must be true."
7. Proof by Intimidation: "Don't be stupid, of course it's true."
8. Proof by Lack of Sufficient Time: "Because of the time constraint, I'll leave the proof to you."
9. Proof by Postponement: "The proof for this is so long and arduous, so it is given in the appendix."
10. Proof by Accident: "Hey, what have we here?"
11. Proof by Insignificance: "Who really cares anyway?"
12. Proof by Mumbo-Jumbo: " For any epsilon> 0 there exists a corresponding delta > 0 s.t. f(x)-L < epsilon whenever x-a < delta"
13. Proof by Profanity: (example omitted)
14. Proof by Definition: "We'll define it to be true."
15. Proof by Tautology: "It's true because it's true."
16. Proof by Plagiarism: "As we see on page 238 ..."
17. Proof by Lost Reference: "I know I saw this somewhere ..."
18. Proof by Calculus: "This proof requires calculus, so we'll skip it."
19. Proof by Terror: When intimidation fails ...
20. Proof by Lack of Interest: "Does anyone really want to see this?"
21. Proof by Illegibility: " ¥ ª Ð Þ þæ"
22. Proof by Logic: "If it is on the problem sheet, then it must be true."
23. Proof by Majority Rule: Only to be used if General Agreement is impossible.
24. Proof by Clever Variable Choice: "Let A be the number such that this proof works."
25. Proof by Tessellation: "This proof is just the same as the last."
26. Proof by Divine Word: "And the Lord said, 'Let it be true,' and it came to pass."
27. Proof by Stubbornness: "I don't care what you say! It is true!"
28. Proof by Simplification: "This proof reduces to the statement, 1 + 1 = 2."
29. Proof by Hasty Generalization: "Well, it works for 17, so it works for all reals."
30. Proof by Deception: "Now everyone turn their backs ..."
31. Proof by Supplication: "Oh please, let it be true."
32. Proof by Poor Analogy: "Well, it's just like ..."
33. Proof by Avoidance: Limit of Proof by Postponement as t approaches infinity.
34. Proof by Design: "If it's not true in today's math, invent a new system in which it is."
35. Proof by Intuition: "I just have this gut feeling ..."
36. Proof by Authority: "Well, Bill Gates says it's true, so it must be."
37. Proof by Vigorous Assertion: "And I REALLY MEAN THAT!"
38. Proof by A.F.K.T. Theorem: "Any Fool Knows That!"
39. Proof by Vigorous Handwaving: Works well in a classroom.
40. Proof by Seduction: "Convince yourself that this is true!"
41. Proof by Accumulated Evidence: "Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample."
42. Proof by Cumbersome Notation: Best done with access to at least four alphabets and special symbols.
43. Proof by Omission: "The reader may easily supply the details."
44. Proof by Funding: "How could three different government agencies be wrong?
45. Proof by Reference to Inaccessible Literature: The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian Philogical Society, 1883.
46. Proof by Importance: "A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question."
47. Proof by Cosmology: "The negation of the proposition is unimaginable or meaningless."
48. Proof by Mutual Reference: "In reference A, Theorem 5 is said to follow from Theorem 3 in reference B, which is shown to follow from Corollary 6.2 in reference C, which is an easy consequence of Theorem 5 in reference A."
49. Proof by Appeal to Intuition: Cloud-shaped drawings frequently help here.
50. Proof by Divine Intervention: "Then a miracle occurs ..."
51. Proof by Confusion: OMGWTFBBQ!
52. Proof by Trogdor: When doing a problem requiring induction, draw and label a picture of TROGDOR THE INDUCTIONATOR!

[Mike^2]

A few more random one liners. I don't know if these are really good to classify as one-liners, but more just noticing bizarre things in society?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?


EDIT: Adding a joke I got in my e-mail:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "first of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "second,I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea," and then he said with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Wej]

I like blonde jokes I know blondes aren't stupid, but they make me laugh. I also always wondered why the waste time sterilizing lethal injections...

[Mike^2]

One liner to start this off: Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.


Here's another joke from my e-mail. It's extremely corny, but I laughed anyway.


A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him...
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him! However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...
Clappity-BUMP...
Clappity-BUMP...
Clappity-BUMP...

It's gaining! The terrified man runs! Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps!

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door!.....
...Bumping and clapping toward him!

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


And......


THE COFFIN STOPS!





Another joke!

Mind your own business

Sometimes it pays to mind your own business!

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, 13....13....13.

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some one poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting, 14....14....14...

[Pochitos]

Oh lol, I facepalmed at the coffin one.

[Mike^2]

Well, this was from before Obama was picked as the democratic nominee, so it's a bit dated.

Why did the chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken
wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to
engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side
of the road!

HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the
road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from
Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves
to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT'
problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?'
That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal
media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.
That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as
simple as that.

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together , in peace.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun!

AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

[Jawni]

I chuckled at the Corn Flakes one. xD

The coffin and mental hospital once both deserved a facepalm. The chicken ones... Eh. Didn't really like them.

[Mike^2]

From my e-mail again...

Don't mess with old people!

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again 'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

Edit: One more from e-mail!

Cold Winter

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared..

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

'Yes,' the man at National Weather Servic e again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'

'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'

'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

[Wej]

I liked them all I thought the mental patient one was funny and all of the chiken things.

[Major Isoor]

Of the last two, the first one was good, but I loved the second! :chuckle: