Two Angels And A Dream
April 9th, 2009, 09:26 AM
Joke 1: A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer thought for a moment, but was puzzled. Finally he asked the engineer, "How do you start a flood?"
Joke 2:A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
Joke 3:Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'
'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
Joke 4: Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"
Joke 5: QUOTES FROM APPRAISAL REPORTS
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this associate to breed.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer thought for a moment, but was puzzled. Finally he asked the engineer, "How do you start a flood?"
Joke 2:A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
Joke 3:Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?'
'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"
Joke 4: Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"
Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"
Joke 5: QUOTES FROM APPRAISAL REPORTS
Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this associate to breed.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This associate should go far - and the sooner he starts the better.
This associate is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.