Two Angels And A Dream
February 12th, 2009, 11:47 AM
Some are old and some you may not find funny, if so then get over it.
Joke 1
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a
small cat jumps up on the stool beside him.
The bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please".
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll
have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same," and the cat says
"I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not
paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my
hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the
cat?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight
*****."
Joke 2
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows every week and began to understand what the magician
did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started
shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was
the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the
ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They
stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up.
What'd you do with the boat ?"
Joke 3
A guy is walking along the street when he sees a crowd of people running
towards him. He stops one of the runners and asks "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped from the zoo!" is the reply
"Oh my God! Which way is it heading" says the guy
"Well you don't think we're chasing it do you?"
Joke 4
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two meters tall!"
joke 5
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride
costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha,
I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get
another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and
ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word
it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all
his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot
turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you
to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but
ten dollars is ten dollars."
Joke 6
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an
accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer
Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the
lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident,
he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the
lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. "I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want
to move. However, I could hear ole' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew
she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are
you feeling?'"
Joke 1
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a
small cat jumps up on the stool beside him.
The bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The cat says "I'll have a half beer, but I'm not paying for it."
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please".
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man, ostrich and cat come again, and the man says "I'll
have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same," and the cat says
"I'll have a half glass of beer but I'm not paying for it."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch but I'm not
paying for it" says the cat.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on
the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my
hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."
That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich and the
cat?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight
*****."
Joke 2
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows every week and began to understand what the magician
did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started
shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was
the captain's parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the
ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They
stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up.
What'd you do with the boat ?"
Joke 3
A guy is walking along the street when he sees a crowd of people running
towards him. He stops one of the runners and asks "What's happening?"
"A lion has escaped from the zoo!" is the reply
"Oh my God! Which way is it heading" says the guy
"Well you don't think we're chasing it do you?"
Joke 4
One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The rich man replied "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two meters tall!"
joke 5
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there
airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride
costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha,
I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get
another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and
ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.
I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word
it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all
his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot
turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you
to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but
ten dollars is ten dollars."
Joke 6
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an
accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer
Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the
lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I
was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident,
he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the
lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. "I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want
to move. However, I could hear ole' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew
she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He
could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the
patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are
you feeling?'"