A Chuck Norris Thread

[Crazy Hobo]

Chuck Norris once went skydiving. He vowed to never do it again... one grand canyon is enough.

Post yours too

[Spindrift]

God I love this search forum feature. Highlights too! Old thread (http://forums.gamewinners.com/forums/showthread.php?t=568022&highlight=Chuck+Norris) from a while back.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. <- Personal favourite.

[xXUnderGroundXx]

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

[Crazy Hobo]

Long have people wondered about the existence of the human soul... well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds them delicious.

[Pochitos]

Long have people wondered about the existence of the human soul... well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds them delicious.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Oh shiz! Sorry for the quoting.

[Cavalier!]

"I mean its a verb for crying out loud. Aliens aren't verbs they're nouns!"

Chuck Norris can make Aliens verbs

[Comrade]

Chuck Norris can round house you in the back of the face.

[Air Head]

Chuck Norris:

counted to Infinity... Twice
Lost His virginity before his dad.
ate a rubics cube and pooped it out solved
Went to The Virgin Islands, when he came back they were only known as "The Islands"


The Dinosaurs only messed with Chuck Norris... Once.
When God said, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say Please!"

[Comrade]

On the seventh day, Chuck Norris kept going.

[Velocity]

When God said, "Let there be light," Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

EDIT: When Velocity posted the above joke, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face and said, "Repetition isn't allowed."

[Comrade]

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

[Spindrift]

Damn you, Hyperion! I was about to post that one!

Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up. - Now there's a true man.

[Comrade]

he can chug a gallon in 37 seconds - and when he's drunk, he doesn't throw up, he throws down!

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

[Pochitos]

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

[Mag Launcher]

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't day dream, he's too busy giving other people nightmares.
Chuck Norris got a perfect on the SAT by simply writing "Chuck Norris" for every answer.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child, the bed wet itself out of fear.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

[Crazy Hobo]

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

[Air Head]

EDIT: When Velocity posted the above joke, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face and said, "Repetition isn't allowed."

Win.


When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

[Conscience]

Chuck Norris can run a 100 metre race in 50 metres.
Chuck Norris can execute a sine ratio using radians.

[Comrade]

Infinity stops where Chuck Norris decides.

And anyway, CHUCK NORRIS CAN!

[Velocity]

One of Chuck Norris' farts can supply the world with enough electricity to last an entire century, but he uses that energy for roundhouse kicks. When Bill Clinton approached him about using his farts for energy, Norris roundhouse kicked Hillary in the face. The result? See for yourself. (http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c241/Velocity06/hillary-clinton.jpg)

[Spindrift]

Ha... that's brilliant.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

[Comrade]

Fricking lol. Righteous.

[Pochitos]

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get above the horizon.

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

[Cody.]

Here's some of my personal favorites:

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

When Bruce Banner gets angry, he turns into Hulk. When Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

[Crazy Hobo]

Don't you mean can believe its not butter?

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

[Player 1]

Chuck Norris changed the periodic table. He only recognizes the element of surprise.

[Comrade]

Did all of you read the website?:chuckle:

[crazyeyes]

When Chuck Norris does a push up he doesn't push himself up he pushes the earth down.

[LocoSwift]

Did all of you read the website?:chuckle:
Hmmm, nobody replied. Consider it YES.

Chuck Norris's tears are the cure for cancer. TOO BAD HE NEVER CRIES.
Notice that if you go to http://www.google.com/ and type in Chuck Norris getting his a** kicked, you will generate 0 results. It just doesn't happen. If anyone posted such lies, Chuck Norris would delete the internet.

[Spindrift]

Notice that if you go to http://www.google.com/ and type in Chuck Norris getting his a** kicked, you will generate 0 results. It just doesn't happen. If anyone posted such lies, Chuck Norris would delete the internet.
I count more than 0 results. (http://i281.photobucket.com/albums/kk228/TNTiRock/LiesIsay.jpg) And my internet is still working perfectly fine.

[Pochitos]

I think you are supposed to google something else related to Chuck Norris and then the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button, but I don't remember what it is. I'll try to look it up.

Got it. Google "Find Chuck Norris" with the I'm Feeling Lucky button.

[Comrade]

If you see Spindrift's picture, you will notice that the word "his" was not searched, therefore, it is inaccurate.:link:

[LocoSwift]

I count more than 0 results. (http://i281.photobucket.com/albums/kk228/TNTiRock/LiesIsay.jpg) And my internet is still working perfectly fine.
Chuck Norris simply tricking you. Notice there are no videos/photos of him getting beat up. IT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN.

[Fool's Requiem]

Don't you mean can believe its not butter?
Um, no. It's "it's" as in "it is".

Read:

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it is not butter.

It's the same thing just shortened.

http://i175.photobucket.com/albums/w137/Insurrection_2002/learned.jpg

Chuck Norris doesn't have grammar problems. Grammar has Chuck Norris problems.

Meh, that probably doesn't even make sense. :-\

[Miss Understood]

Leading hand sanitizers claim to kill 99% of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the f*ck he wants.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
And my number one favorite...
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

[...emaN gnidaoL]

I think this one's very funny:When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

[Mrmakee]

Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago. The grim reaper just isn't game enough to tell him.

[Beast.]

Chuck Norris went to the Virgin Islands and when he came back they were just "The Islands"

When God said "Let there be light" Chuck Norris said, "Say please"

Jesus walked on water, turned water to wine, and died on the cross; Chuck Norris ran on water, turned dust to gold, and can't die.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity.....twice.

[Pochitos]

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a ***** would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

[Conscience]

Chuck Norris once took Mother Nature from behind. Scientists formally recognise this as the Big Bang.

[Cait Sith]

Uh...guys, you know you can just buy the book, 400 Facts About Chuck Norris, Right?? Well, anyway:

Chuck Norris puts the kick in kickass.

Chuck Norris was originally Danny Tanner from the TV show Full House, but was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate event with the Olsen Triplets.

Chuck Norris's dog is trained to pick up its own poop, because Chuck Norris doesn't take **** from anyone.

[Nite]

Again, you're bumping old threads. Take a look at the last posted times. Don't just randomly bump any thread on the page.

[Forgotten]

Sorry for the bump...
Old thread it may be but:

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors

The quickest way to a man's heart is Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Before people had sliced bread, they used to say "That's the greatest thing since Chuck Norris!" Chuck was displeased with this, so he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

[(: Hi :) 2K?]

The bible was orginally called Chuck Norris and Friends. There was no Big Bang, The dark got scared of Chuck Norris.
Also A galaxy called Chuck Norris a rude name, he roundhouse kicked it to the other side of the Universe.

[TD, Jr.]

There is no CTRL button on Chuck Norris' keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control.

[Spindrift]

Chuck Norris doesn't need a delete button on his computer because he can delete anything he wishes by simply thinking about deleting it.

:lame:

[TD, Jr.]

Chuck Norris doesn't play God. Playing is for children.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

Chuck Norris smells what The Rock is cooking... because The Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

[Conscience]

Vin Diesel is an anagram for "I end lives." Chuck Norris is an anagram for Chuck Norris, which is basically the same thing.

[Gym Bag Boy]

Chuck Norris doesnt pay taxes, he just sends a picture of himself to the IRS, in which he is poised and ready to attack.

[Miss Understood]

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Meh, probably said already.

Alright, I'll make up for it:
Chuck Norris can find the square root of a negative.

[Cait Sith]

Rainbows are what happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.

Chuck Norris just p!ssed your pants.

Chuck Norris, ironically, lives in a round house.

Chuck Norris won a staring contest against Medusa.

When The Hulk gets angry, he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets angry, he turns into a Zombie Armegeddon.

Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.

The last thing going through your mind when Chuck Norris kills you: Chuck Norris' foot.

Chuck Norris' original name was Switchblade Killingsworth. He changed it to Chuck Norris because it sounded tougher.

If Chuck Norris was a woman, he wouldn't have a period. He would have an exclamation point.

There are two kinds of women in the world: ones who have slept with Chuck Norris, and those who want to do it again.

Chuck Norris once had a p!ssing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror breaks because not even glass is stupid enough to get between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

*Phew!* There, how was that?

[TD, Jr.]

Chuck Norris' definition of love is "the reluctantly to kill". So, if you're still alive, Chuck Norris loves you.

[Crazy Hobo]

Oh yeah this thread

Jesus can walk on water,but Chuck Norris can swim on land.

[Cait Sith]

Chuck Norris can delete the recycle bin.

[Mike!]

Chuck Norris can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris can't swim, but water is too afraid to drown him.

[DannyTH]

When there is thunder it is Chuck Norris clapping.

[TD, Jr.]

Chuck Norris shaves by roundhouse kicking himself in the face, because the only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris

[Conscience]

Chuck Norris knew who shot Mr. Burns before the Simpsons was ever made.

[Miss Understood]

Chuck Norris hates it when people repeat jokes.

[Crazy Hobo]

That's almost a repeat in itself.

Chuck Norris orders a live chicken when he goes out to eat, and only eats it's soul

[Mike!]

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole punch.

Chuck Norris knows the last number of Pi.

Chuck Norris can taste lies.

[Velocity]

Chuck Norris orders a live chicken when he goes out to eat, and only eats it's soul
Shortly after this was posted, CrazyHobo was found dead, victim of a roundhouse kick to the temple. Chuck Norris does not tolerate grade school grammatical errors.

[Crazy Hobo]

I just coppied it...

[Cytosine]

If at first you don't succeed, you aren't Chuck Norris.

[Cait Sith]

Chuck Norris doesn't give out christmas presents. If you're still alive by christmas, that's your present from Chuck.

[Crazy Hobo]

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

[Conscience]

Jack Bauer is just one of many avatars of Chuck Norris. :lame:

[Cait Sith]

Chuck Norris only allows Jackie Chan to live because he likes Chris Tucker movies. (Or was it John Tucker...?)

[Elphaba]

Yup, that's right, Cleru. Rush Hour and such.

Actually, Harmalade., 24 first offered Chuck Norris the role of Jack Bauer, but they decided not to give it to Chuck Norris because they realized the show would only last 17 minutes.

Every dinosaur skull every found had the imprint of a cowboy boot heel on the jaw. Scientists are still baffled, but we know damn well why.

[Comrade]

Chuck Norris knows what the moon is really made of...

[Velocity]

Actually, Harmalade., 24 first offered Chuck Norris the role of Jack Bauer, but they decided not to give it to Chuck Norris because they realized the show would only last 17 minutes.
I don't expect to hear from dragonfire ever again. The fact that dragonfire said it would take Chuck Norris 17 minutes to resolve the situation is an insult to Chuck Norris.

And we all know what happens when someone insults Chuck Norris. (It wouldn't even take him five minutes. And four of those are spent impregnating twenty-five virgins.)

[Nite]

I beat Chuck Norris up.

[Conscience]

I beat Chuck Norris up.
This is logically Chuck Norris posting as a soulless body, for the only thing that can beat up Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

[Cait Sith]

Chuck Norris invented the yard because he got tired of saying: Hi, I'm Chuck Norris and my d*ck is three feet long.

[Conscience]

Chuck Norris knows what the hell Radiohead were doing here.

[Mag Launcher]

This isn't a joke, but Bruce Lee killed Chuck Norris. It's true, there was a cat to witness it. That goes against most of the stuff said here, here is my theory: I think when Bruce Lee killed Chuck back in the '70s, Bruce Lee had to fake his death and become the new Chuck Norris. How did he do this? He skinned him, wore his face as a kooky mask and cut of his chest pubes for the beard. This has been going on for ages. Achilles himself killed Chuck Norris so he could harness the skin jumpsuit. But once you wear it, it posses you to make infomercials. So who is going to be the next CN? I think Al Gore has a shot at it. He did invent global warming.

[Elphaba]

Nope. ^___^ Dragonfire lives because she remembered an excellent Chuck Norris joke, told Chuck Norris when he came to kill her, so he left after... Something... >___>

Chuck Norris once shaved his beard to dress up as a nerd on Halloween. It grew back after three houses. It went down as the worst Halloween costume ever. Chuck was thirty-seven at the time. (By that, it means Chuck Norris had round-house kicked 37 people that day. While brushing his teeth.)

[General Tso]

hey dragonfire262. cool joke man

also: you're dead

WHERE'S YOUR CHUCK NORRIS NOW?

(assassin game)

[Voltron]

Hey trouble You are dead now too!
ASSASSINATED BABY!

[Elphaba]

A: I'm a girl. And B: Thank you. I started playing before realizing that I'm an obsessive worrier. I started freaking out, and I was wishing someone would kill me. Thanks! ^__^ (My gods, I'm really weird.)

Anyhoo.

Chuck Norris has no clocks in his house. If you are in his house, stand up to go, after saying "It's late", he will simply stare at you until you begin to feel awkward and sit back down.

[Voltron]

A dragonfire, trouble didnt acctually kill you, But I just did!

DRAGONFIRE ASSASSINATED!!!!

[Italian Ninja]

dead

[Voltron]

Hmm you got me I see, for somereason I saw that coming, well lets hear some more chuck norris jokes!

[Elphaba]

Okay!

One religeon is ticked. Now they can no longer promise their devotee seventy-two virgins beyond the gates of Heaven. They can only promise them seventy-two women who have slept with Chuck Norris.

(I think. O___O I probably go that wrong... Wasn't it seventy-three?)

[Conscience]

Chuck Norris can beat a Royal Flush in Poker simply by staring at the cards until they spontaneously combust.

[Cait Sith]

Chuck Norris' d*ck is so big it has it's own d*ck. And Chuck's d*ck's d*ck is bigger than your d*ck.

[Elphaba]

Chuck Norris made up the yard because it was easier than saying, "Hi, I'm Chuck Norris and my d*ck is three feet long."

[Comrade]

Chuck Norris can *insert anything*.

[Whale Biologist]

Chuck Norris can *insert anything*.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

No man is good enough to be Chuck Norris' father, so he went back in time and impregnated his own mother!

[EiriktheRed]

If Chuck Norris was a country his chief export would be pain.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

[DannyTH]

Chuck Norris ordered a big mac at burger king and got one

Chuck norris went to McDonalds at 10:15 AM and asked for an egg mcmuffin. The guy behind the counter said 'sorry we have stopped serving breakfast' Chuck went outside and roundhouse kicked mcdonalds so hard it turned into a wendys

Fun fact: go to google, type in find chuck norris and click im feeling lucky

[Cait Sith]

Chuck Norris is the only person who can stab you with a pillow.

[Conscience]

By the same token, Chuck Norris is the only person who can suffocate you with a knife.

[halfjawgrunt]

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
And my Favourite:Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.