lol drama

[Freakout]

So I've known this girl for a little over a year now. We were good friends, and we depended on each other for a lot of things, commonly emotional support over sometimes little things, and other times large, groundbreaking events. Our romantic relationship, well, there was none, but it was complicated...I never had a girlfriend, and she went through an awful lot of boyfriends...well, I'm sure the regulars to this forum know the end of this story. I played "the nice guy", the "shoulder-to-cry-on who has a thing for the person crying", if you will.

She knew that I always had a massive crush on her, but she would refuse to let either of us act on it, because, during one particularly exposing and confrontational scene, she told me that "she saw me more as a brother than a boyfriend". During the same talk, she told me that "she felt so lucky to have ever met me", that she "must've landed a jet plane in a past life, or [she] must've been the guy from Armageddon that saved the world from the asteroid to have deserved a guy like me". She said that "if were her boyfriend, she'd be the luckiest girl in the world". She even said that I "was God's answer to her". You all should read the letter she wrote me for my birthday; I've hardly ever seen such emotion put into written words. It baffles me that, given how she feels about me, she wouldn't want to pursue a relationship, but that's not the point of my post.

She had this other friend. This other guy and I have a bit of a history together, to put it [i]nicely. As in, I don't believe I personally know another man whom I hate more, for something that happened about 5 years ago. Now, at the beginning, she told me that he was "just a friend"; really, just another shoulder to cry on. Long story short, predictably, she's now going out with this guy.

It's not so much that she's dating a man I detest. The thing is, she had told me, she had assured me, she had promised me that he was and never would be more than what I was: "just a friend". Then, conveniently, the romance between them had just "crept up on her", as she put it.

In the past, she told me that she would tell me immediately if she had some romance between herself and whoever else she chose to date; I had found out once that she was dating someone in a very...unexpected manner, and she promised me that she would tell me as soon as it happened to prevent another..."mishap". However, it turns out that this budding relationship between her and the man I hate had been happening since Christmas.

So, I'm hurt that she not only didn't tell me when it happened like she said she would, but she also lied to me that nothing would ever happen between her and her other friend. Not to sound too emo and/or pathetic and/or whatever over a lie, but I've never been so hurt before (for comical reference, refer to my signature). She promised me. Finally, I decided that it was too much to bear, and simply called off the relationship between us in a short and to-the-point e-mail.

I've seen her in school after I stopped the relationship between us, and she doesn't look all that well; if I was really what she said I was to her, then yeah, I can understand that she'd be crushed.

So, to the point of this leg-numbingly long post: I'm at a loss here. It's so difficult not contacting her, speaking to her. Neither of us have blocked each other from MSN, and she refuses to do so. This half of me just wants to go up to her in school and say "listen, I'm sorry I'm so shallow. I never meant to hurt you. I still want to be with you, to spend my mornings and afternoons with you and to spend the evening talking with you about anything. Please forgive me." But the other half just won't forgive her for lying to me the way she had. Not to mention my family doesn't have a whole lot of nice things to say about her, mostly because she refuses to be my special someone. I've taken a lot of flak for it. I know it sounds so shallow to leave just because she found another boyfriend, but since I've known her, she's gone through at least five; it's too tough for me to just sit there and not do anything anymore.

We haven't spoken a word to each other since I sent the e-mail. Should I try to sit us both down and talk it through with each other, face to face? Or should I move on, and not look back?

My biggest worry about sitting her down and talking it through, heart to heart, is that, if it goes well, I'll be locked back into that endless cycle of wanting but never being able to have; of just being the "brother", the "nice guy", the "shoulder-to-cry-on". If it goes sour...well, I doubt it could be worse than what's happening between us now. However, I'm not the most social person in the school and as such I have physical contact with very few friends within the building. I asked out another girl I was interested in in the meantime, but she had a boyfriend, natch. My biggest worry about not trying to fix it and just parring the course is that I'd have to go through high school alone. While that's a hell of a character-building experience, that's not something the average teenager (adult, if you will, since I'm 18) attempts to do.

I'd appreciate any suggestion regarding the matter, and I apologize for writing this monster of a post.

[Flip-Hkd]

I've thought about it. And my only idea would be to not play any games. I think in this situation I would naturally get mad and spill the beans [How I feel]

Which in this case, in short, possibly tell her how it is. Perhaps something along the lines of "I'm not sure if I can take this anymore" cause it sounds like you're getting her artificially as in you two are close, talk a lot, hang out. But it isn't in a relationship way...So I suggest letting her know that. That having to deal with that fact is tough, or something getting your point across on how not being able to have her like that is killin' ya.

And after letting her know that, I would just go with the flow. Don't make any decisions. If you see her and feel like talking, well talk. But if you feel you shouldn't, then don't. Just a step at a time don't be like "I shouldn't talk to her at all this week" Just see how you feel, maybe add some morals to that too as in "I'll talk to her if we run into each other but won't act how things were before"

But basically...IMO, tell her how you feel, about you and the situation. And after you have told her that, just don't plan ahead, or look into the future, just go a day at a time brother.

[SilverTempest]

Well, for starters, you have no right to be mad. How do I know? Been there, done that. Here's a small story for ya.

About half a year ago, my old best friend (who is no longer my friend) had decided to go out with some jerk wad for the 3rd time. I figured that things would go bad if they had gotten back together. I gave her the best advice I could give her and she betrayed the line of trust I thought was set. I was like you, in a lock where I was the crying shoulder, the one anyone else would be lucky to have as a boyfriend, but not her. Anyway, once I found out, through signs and her myspace, I went over the edge. I couldn't believe that she would surpass friendship for a relationship, as though my word meant nothing. So, in the end, I told her how mad I was and that our friendship was over. We tried to start it anew, but it didn't work because I had too much hatred to accept anything from her.

I'm going to tell you this straight up. I miss the feeling of having a best friend who would show me love, real or fake, whichever it may have been, hug me, talk to me (though it changed when that bf came into her life), and just be there for me when I had my problems. Not a day goes by where I don't question whether what I did was right or wrong. At this point it doesn't even matter anymore because at least 7 or 8 months have passed and I can't change things.

The question I pose to you is, what is worth more to you? Your love for her as a friend or your love for her as a love interest? You cannot make decisions for her, and whether you like them or not, you should stand by her side. Sometimes, you don't get what you want from another person, but friendship is always better than nothing at all. She'll also always be someone there for you. Decide what is worth more and if you'd want to throw away something good that you had.

[Crazy Jamie]

Time to be frank.

In the past, she told me that she would tell me immediately if she had some romance between herself and whoever else she chose to date; I had found out once that she was dating someone in a very...unexpected manner, and she promised me that she would tell me as soon as it happened to prevent another..."mishap". However, it turns out that this budding relationship between her and the man I hate had been happening since Christmas.

So, I'm hurt that she not only didn't tell me when it happened like she said she would, but she also lied to me that nothing would ever happen between her and her other friend. To put this simply, you do not have a right to that information that you were expecting. Yes, she promised that she would tell you. Yes, she broke that promise. Yes, I do understand why you are hurting due to that broken promise. But honestly, don't you think that such a promise was putting an unfair burden on her? You are best friends, and no doubt share everything with each other, but you do that out of choice because you trust the other person, not through obligation. It never should be through obligation, because that defeats the purpose of having trust in a friendship. You should never expect or allow a friend to 'promise' to tell you something that they are not comfortable telling you. They should tell you because they want to, otherwise it defeats the point of the friendship.

I understand why you're hurting. Honestly, I really do. But in the great scheme of things it is an overreaction, and your friendship means so much more than this. You already hate this guy for whatever reason. Are you going to let a situation involving him rob you of your best friend? I think you should suck this up and talk to your friend about it. Explain why you were mad, and apologise. She may have an amount of blame in this scenario, because even if she made a promise that she shouldn't have, she did break a promise. But ultimately where the blame lies is not important, because this whole situation is just not serious enough to lose such a special friendship over. So even if it pains you to do so, apologise and get this friendship back on track. It's far too valuable to you to lose over something like this.

[Cody.]

I understand why you're hurting. Honestly, I really do. But in the great scheme of things it is an overreaction, and your friendship means so much more than this. You already hate this guy for whatever reason. Are you going to let a situation involving him rob you of your best friend?Same here and I agree with Jamie.

tl;dr, but I skimmed through it and got the jist of it.

I don't necessarly think just plain out moving on because she had broken a promise and you solemnly dislike this other guy that she supposively likes should be the reason your guys' friendship should be split in two. I understand that being in a situation where your best friend breaks a sincere or meaningful promise can be hurtful, but taking to the point of getting mad and upset at her to where you practically throw in the towel of your friendship is a bit extreme. She has already spilt out her feelings for you and even though a further relationship may not be of her interest right now gives you no right to get mad and basically claim her as your own ya know? From my experience, and can only assume that one thing you had in mind was that your beginning to feel like there was something between you guys, something more than there ever has been. Then your feelings and emotions for them rises, but only to be crush shortly down the road by the simplest words or actions.

I would suggest that you talk to each other and clear things up before anything else, I can tell that just flat out not being friends with her will be more hard for you, especially if you already have high feelings for her. And remember that you don't 'own' her, she is free to make her own decisions, even if you don't really approve of them.

[Linxz]

Then your feelings and emotions for them rises, but only to be crushed shortly down the road by the simplest words or actions.

You've been reading my diary again haven't you?



Freakout, listen to Jamie and Cody for they are wise:bow:

[~Sean~]

I hate to fight the tide here, but I believe an important factor was overlooked. The others made valid points, and yes, the promise that was broken may have provoked this struggle. However, there's another point involved as to why the conflict stands. A point that, from what I can see, is more important to address than the others.

My biggest worry about sitting her down and talking it through, heart to heart, is that, if it goes well, I'll be locked back into that endless cycle of wanting but never being able to have; of just being the "brother", the "nice guy", the "shoulder-to-cry-on". If it goes sour...well, I doubt it could be worse than what's happening between us now.

These are perfectly legitimate concerns, and I wouldn't blame you in the least if you had decided to just move on as a result. Under normal circumstances, making up with her would be fine-- but these aren't normal circumstances. As you mentioned, it would be quite difficult to rid yourself of that desolate, lonely feeling when she's always around. And as you've already seen several times, it gets even harder when she has a boyfriend since she falls back on you for relationship problems and gives him the attention you crave afterwards.

You need to cut your ties with her and get some independence so that you can regain your emotional foundation. After your emotions eventually burn out and you don't feel like you're desperately seeking her affection all the time, you should be able to let her back into your life as a friend. At that point, your emotions won't give you such a hard time-- but if you don't seperate and stand on your own first, sticking around's going to be a painful endeavor.

All in all, I think apologizing for reacting the way you did before is a good idea. You DO need to take some time off though, so let her know that you need a while to get over her either way. You're going to have to drift apart, but afterwards you won't feel so constricted by everything she says or does.

[Flip-Hkd]

I hate to fight the tide here, but I believe an important factor was overlooked. The others made valid points, and yes, the promise that was broken may have provoked this struggle. However, there's another point involved as to why the conflict stands. A point that, from what I can see, is more important to address than the others.



These are perfectly legitimate concerns, and I wouldn't blame you in the least if you had decided to just move on as a result. Under normal circumstances, making up with her would be fine-- but these aren't normal circumstances. As you mentioned, it would be quite difficult to rid yourself of that desolate, lonely feeling when she's always around. And as you've already seen several times, it gets even harder when she has a boyfriend since she falls back on you for relationship problems and gives him the attention you crave afterwards.

You need to cut your ties with her and get some independence so that you can regain your emotional foundation. After your emotions eventually burn out and you don't feel like you're desperately seeking her affection all the time, you should be able to let her back into your life as a friend. At that point, your emotions won't give you such a hard time-- but if you don't seperate and stand on your own first, sticking around's going to be a painful endeavor.

All in all, I think apologizing for reacting the way you did before is a good idea. You DO need to take some time off though, so let her know that you need a while to get over her either way. You're going to have to drift apart, but afterwards you won't feel so constricted by everything she says or does.


PERFECT, I didn't know how to put it into words. But this is what I think you need to do most of all. Cause even when you like someone and things are good, your head is in the "love" emotion, but when you don't like anybody your head is cleared up. This is where you need to be is clear minded, stress, worry, drama free. It helps your mindset, and your view of the situation, compared to the clogged up and miserably emotional state.

[Freakout]

Well, I sat down with her, and we had "the talk", and...let's just say that things went sour.

I appreciate everyone's advice, and I did the best I could, but it looks like Sean's alternative is the open path for me. Thank you all very much for your efforts and advice.

[Flip-Hkd]

It seems to have hit ya hard, what was her feed back if you can sum it up?

[Freakout]

what was her feed back if you can sum it up?

Are you serious? I'd really rather not, if you don't mind.

[Flip-Hkd]

No I don't mind at all. I know how it is.

It is almost like a story without an ending, so I thought I would ask.

Good luck with things though, keep your head high

[al majnun]

So I've known this girl for a little over a year now. We were good friends, and we depended on each other for a lot of things, commonly emotional support over sometimes little things, and other times large, groundbreaking events. Our romantic relationship, well, there was none, but it was complicated...I never had a girlfriend, and she went through an awful lot of boyfriends...well, I'm sure the regulars to this forum know the end of this story. I played "the nice guy", the "shoulder-to-cry-on who has a thing for the person crying", if you will.

She knew that I always had a massive crush on her, but she would refuse to let either of us act on it, because, during one particularly exposing and confrontational scene, she told me that "she saw me more as a brother than a boyfriend". During the same talk, she told me that "she felt so lucky to have ever met me", that she "must've landed a jet plane in a past life, or [she] must've been the guy from Armageddon that saved the world from the asteroid to have deserved a guy like me". She said that "if were her boyfriend, she'd be the luckiest girl in the world". She even said that I "was God's answer to her". You all should read the letter she wrote me for my birthday; I've hardly ever seen such emotion put into written words. It baffles me that, given how she feels about me, she wouldn't want to pursue a relationship, but that's not the point of my post.

She had this other friend. This other guy and I have a bit of a history together, to put it [i]nicely. As in, I don't believe I personally know another man whom I hate more, for something that happened about 5 years ago. Now, at the beginning, she told me that he was "just a friend"; really, just another shoulder to cry on. Long story short, predictably, she's now going out with this guy.

It's not so much that she's dating a man I detest. The thing is, she had told me, she had assured me, she had promised me that he was and never would be more than what I was: "just a friend". Then, conveniently, the romance between them had just "crept up on her", as she put it.

In the past, she told me that she would tell me immediately if she had some romance between herself and whoever else she chose to date; I had found out once that she was dating someone in a very...unexpected manner, and she promised me that she would tell me as soon as it happened to prevent another..."mishap". However, it turns out that this budding relationship between her and the man I hate had been happening since Christmas.

So, I'm hurt that she not only didn't tell me when it happened like she said she would, but she also lied to me that nothing would ever happen between her and her other friend. Not to sound too emo and/or pathetic and/or whatever over a lie, but I've never been so hurt before (for comical reference, refer to my signature). She promised me. Finally, I decided that it was too much to bear, and simply called off the relationship between us in a short and to-the-point e-mail.

I've seen her in school after I stopped the relationship between us, and she doesn't look all that well; if I was really what she said I was to her, then yeah, I can understand that she'd be crushed.

So, to the point of this leg-numbingly long post: I'm at a loss here. It's so difficult not contacting her, speaking to her. Neither of us have blocked each other from MSN, and she refuses to do so. This half of me just wants to go up to her in school and say "listen, I'm sorry I'm so shallow. I never meant to hurt you. I still want to be with you, to spend my mornings and afternoons with you and to spend the evening talking with you about anything. Please forgive me." But the other half just won't forgive her for lying to me the way she had. Not to mention my family doesn't have a whole lot of nice things to say about her, mostly because she refuses to be my special someone. I've taken a lot of flak for it. I know it sounds so shallow to leave just because she found another boyfriend, but since I've known her, she's gone through at least five; it's too tough for me to just sit there and not do anything anymore.

We haven't spoken a word to each other since I sent the e-mail. Should I try to sit us both down and talk it through with each other, face to face? Or should I move on, and not look back?

My biggest worry about sitting her down and talking it through, heart to heart, is that, if it goes well, I'll be locked back into that endless cycle of wanting but never being able to have; of just being the "brother", the "nice guy", the "shoulder-to-cry-on". If it goes sour...well, I doubt it could be worse than what's happening between us now. However, I'm not the most social person in the school and as such I have physical contact with very few friends within the building. I asked out another girl I was interested in in the meantime, but she had a boyfriend, natch. My biggest worry about not trying to fix it and just parring the course is that I'd have to go through high school alone. While that's a hell of a character-building experience, that's not something the average teenager (adult, if you will, since I'm 18) attempts to do.

I'd appreciate any suggestion regarding the matter, and I apologize for writing this monster of a post.

One of those situations where your only real choice is to forgive her and move on. Perhaps later on, when you find yourself in a steady relationship with another young lady you'll be able to look differently at this entire situation.

My older brother (we're about 10 years apart) always told me: "Don't be friends with girls you want to date".

Now, you could say that he was just being crazy. You could also say that he was dam right because I came close to being in your shoes but not close enough to get burned because I sort of knew what to expect. Suffice to say all the ladies I've dated (and the one I'm married to now) didn't start of as friends. Don't know if this helps at all but here you go.

[Spectro]

My older brother (we're about 10 years apart) always told me: "Don't be friends with girls you want to date".

That's garbage. I've found that I can confide in females way easier than males and they are generally nicer are more understanding, too. This may not be the case for everyone.. but it's still dumb to think that you can't be just friends with girls.

[sLiMsHaDy]

After my last relationship, which lasted about 9 months, I decided it's stupid to have a relationship in my senior year of high school. I figure everyone's going to college afterwards anyway, and the girl I fall for will probably go far away, and I'll lose contact.

I've just been chillin', talking to a lot of girls, occasionally flirting, and things havent been too bad for me. Take your time man.

[al majnun]

That's garbage. I've found that I can confide in females way easier than males and they are generally nicer are more understanding, too. This may not be the case for everyone.. but it's still dumb to think that you can't be just friends with girls.

I guess it would be garbage if he meant it as something along the lines of not being friends with women at all. Which wasn't what he meant at all.