A whole buncha stuff by KingJazzaD12

[KingJazzaD12]

Walking into the church on a sunday morning johnny, confused asks the priest a few quesitons about god:

Johnny: Is god a man or a woman?

Thinking to trick the little boy into religeon the prist replies: Both!

Johnny: Is god a kid or an adult?

Trying to get Johnny into religeon the preist replies: Both!

Johnny: Is god plastic or fleshy?

Priest: Both!

Johnny: Does god like men or women?

Priest: BOTH!

Johnny: That leaves one last quesiton, is god black or white sir?

Priest: Once again young one the answer is both!

A Little Confused Johnny replies: Sir, is god Michael Jackson????

:D

[Major Isoor]

Ha! :chuckle: Michael Jackson! That was an interesting twist. :D :^:

[Mrmakee]

Heard it! But still gold.

[Vermillion]

Nah didn't like it. I sort of expected it to be something like that.

[KingJazzaD12]

Blonde: mum, do babies come from where men put their thingies??

Mum: well you are a teenager, so im going to tell you the truth.. yes!

Now confused blonde: Wont the baby knock my teeth out mum?




On a deserted island there were three women, a blond a brunette and a redhead. They needed to get back to the mainland and the only way was by swimming. The redhead goes first. She makes it a quarter of the way then drowns. The brunnette goes second. She makes it one third of the way then drowns.The blonde comes last. She makes it one half of the way, gets tired and then turns back.



Did you hear about the blonde that died raking leaves.

Yeah, She fell out of the tree.



Why can't a blond dial 911?? She can't find the 11.



When does a blonde have two brain cells?

When she's pregnant!




There was a blond a brunette, and a red head that were being chased by a terrorist. And there were 3 potato bags on the floor, so each one of them went into a different potato bag. The terrorist kicked the bag which the red head was in and she said Meow. And the terrorist is like...oh just a cat...then he kicks the bag with the brunette...she goes roof roof...and the terrorist says...it's just a stupid dog. Then the terrorist kicks the bag which the blonde is in and she goes...POTATOES!!!!!!!!!!!!




A blonde, brunette, and redhead are talking about their daughters. The redhead says, " I was going through my daughters drawers, and I found a bottle of beer. I can't believe my daughter drinks."
Then the brunette says, " well I was cleaning my daughters room, and I found a pack of cigarettes. I can't believe my daughter smokes."
Then the blonde says, " I was making my daughters bed, and I found a condom. I can't believe my daughter has a penis.


What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you ???
Run like hell cause she got a grenade in her hand!




A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."





What is the difference between the Titanic and a blonde?


People know how many men went down on the Titanic!




lol hope u liked wot do u rate each of em den overall guys lol...
sorry if i offended ne1 but im a blonde myself so dont take it too seriously
lol once again hope i made u laugh!!!:D

[KingJazzaD12]

A guy is forced to live in a remote Eskimo villiage but is having trouble interacting with the villiagers. Finally he corners one of them and asks why they won't talk to him.

The villiager responds that he has not been initiated as a man. He ask's what do I have to do?

The villiager says, first you have to drink 2 bottles of Russian Vodka, then you have to go into a cave and kill a polar bear with your bear hands, then to seal your induction into manhood you have to make love for 10 hours straight with one of our women.

The man says he will do it. That night there's a big party to initiate the stranger. Everyone sits around the fire and they pass him a bottle of Vodka. He down's about half without much trouble, bet the second half is much more difficult. Finally he finishes it, and they pass him another. He finally manages to finish off the second bottle and the crowd claps and sings. Then he tried to get up but fell over drunk.

The Cheif picks him up and points him in the direction of the polar bear cave. He staggers over and climbs in. Suddenly there's a huge commotion from within the cave. Bears growling and him screaming and wailing in pain. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the cave, Torn to shreds, bloodied, and half dead. He turns to the crowd and drunkenly says,

Okeee now where's the woman I gotta kill?





A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" "How did you know?" "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar."



man walks up to the bartender and says, "Y'see that cup over there? I'll bet $100 that I can piss in it from here!" The bartender readily agrees, because the shot glass is way over on the other side of the bar. So the man unzips and whips it out, then pisses in a million different directions, coming nowhere even close to the shot glass. Meanwhile the bartender's laughing so hard he can barely breathe.

"Pay up," gasps the bartender, so the man walks over and grabs $400 from a third guy playing pool. The bartender asks, "Why did that guy give you the money?"

And the first guy says, "'Cause I bet him $400 I could piss all over your bar and you'd just laugh about it!"




A Guy walked into a bar dressed in the latest designer gear, dripping with diamonds and platinum and googobs of money.
His only visible problem was that he had a very little head.
After a few drinks I had the courage to ask him what happened.
His story is that he was on vacation with his wife in the Bahamas and they had a humiliating argument. To cool down he took a walk on the beach. while picking up rocks to throw in the ocean he happened upon an intricately blown and embroidered bottle. Picking it up to brush off the sand, a genie popped out. Not your ordinary genie but an extremely beautiful genie the likes of which he had never seen. She granted him three wishes and he thought long and hard. His first wish was for a billion dollars in cash, which materialized instsntly. Realizing that he had no way to move this much money, his second wish was for a fueled and piloted jet that would take him everywhere he desired. That satisfied his every wish and he looked at the beautiful genie and propositioned her for a roll in the sand. The genie said that she would love to, but she is a genie and not anatomically made like mortal women, she has no coochie.
The man then said "Then how about a little head".




A guy walks into a bar on top of a ski skraper. He sits down next to a buff looking guy who looks like he had a little more booze than he can handle.
The buff guy looks at the bar tender and then at him and says
`'hey, did you know that this building is construckded in such a way that if I was to jump out the window and the wind would glide me safely to the ground. The man, who decided he could use a laugh said, 'prove it.'
So the guy walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later he walks back into the bar and says, 'told ya.'
He looks at the bar tender who is shaking his head and laughing, and says, 'do that again.' So he does it again. The man astondished walks out to the window and jumps out and falls 100 stories to his death.
The bar tender looks at the buff man and says, 'you now, you are a real ******* when you're drinking, Superman



A man goes into a bar and tells the bartender to give him a double. Then he slams it down and takes a picture out of his pocket, looks at it for a moment, then puts it back. He then asks the bartender for another double. He drinks it, looks at the picture, puts it back, and asks for another drink. This time, the bartender is overcome by curiosity. "What's that a picture of?" the bartender asks.

"It's a picture of my wife," the man slurs, "and when she finally starts looking good I'll go home!



A man walks into his everyday bar with a box and orders a drink. The bartender sees that the man looks troubled, so he asks what's in the box. Instead of replying, the man takes out a small grand piano and a tiny stool, and on the stool is a miniature man about a foot tall who starts playing the miniature piano. The bartender asks, "Where did you get a thing like that?"

The man says, "I rubbed a lamp in the desert, and a genie popped out. The genie said he'd grant my heart's desire, but he was hard of hearing and thought I had asked him for a twelve-inch pianist."




kk hope i helped im bored and i g2g now lol ive got sum more dat i can load off my comp soo cya guys

wot do u rate em and hop i made ya laugh peace!:bashhead:

[Velocity]

Right, so one day this forum walked into a bar...


...unfortunately it suffered severe brain damage and has never fully recovered. Poor forum. :shrug:

[Angel]

I could barely read them with your text... but I digress. I give it about a 3/10 being generous.

[bman3k]

I found your font rather difficult to read as well, anyways I only liked the second one.

[KingJazzaD12]

its not that hard to read my text ive asked 4 of my friends, my mum and my half blind granddad they can all read it with ease

[KingJazzaD12]

here is some logic and riddles:

If 7/11 is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 265 days a year then why do the doors all have locks on them?

eveyone has a photographic memory dont they? some are just out of film...

if adam and eve were the first 2 people on earth, wouldnt their kids have to have sex with eachother??

if the big bang created everythin, what created the big bang?

if god created everything, what created god?

if jesus's mum was the virgin mary and she had a kid, she wasnt much of a virgin was she???

if god gave us free will, why did he set ten commandments?

would a wise man play leapfrog with a unicorn??

if antarctica is the dryest continent, what would it be if it melted?

if the bullwhip is used on horses what is used on bulls?

why can humans get chicken pox? chickens dont get human pox do they?

couldnt all records and history be lying??

if you can have an imaginary friend, they dont exist, but are you somebody else's imaginary friend??

if god wants us to live his way, why doesnt he tell us the meaning of life?

if michael jackson is really that plastic, what sunscreen does he use?

is it really better to see 1 fault in yourself than a thousand in another??

if we all came from monkeys, why are the monkeys still around?

if the dinosaurs died from an asteroid and all life off earth was wiped out, how did we end up with animals and people on the planet?

can you really be a gamewinner if you cheat??

if you win by cheating but you dont get 100% game completion, you have not won yet have you??

if you can die from getting electricuted by a light bulb, how did the man who got struck by lighning more than 5 times survive?

who really is james bond??

if god made us in the image of himself, why are there 2 genders?

if god made himself in the image of himself, why does everyone look different?

lol all i can think of which 1 did u guys like best.. and dere rhetorical questions of logic dont go sending answers lol:bashhead:

[KingJazzaD12]

Here are sum riddles my dad used top tell me until i figured them out lol:


there was a man who went to work, but he worked on the 10th floor
he rather take the lift but he only did on rainy days...
on sunny days he took the stairs 10 storys up
why was this? (the man didnt have ocd or anythin he just didnt take the lift on sunny days)



one day while his father was out at work a boy invited his friend over and played a ball game inside.
while playing the boy smashed the window with the ball.
hiding the ball and bat the boy sent his friend home
when the father got home he asked what had happened, the boy lied and said that the window was broken by a robber
the dad punished the boy double, for breaking the window, and for lieing,
how did the dad know it was the boy? (no1 told him, he didnt witness the smash)



3 people in the butcher's were ordering meat when one of them killed the butcher.
there was a milkman, a lawyer and a cleaner but it couldve been any of them.
a local policeman heard one of them say: JOHN YOUVE KILLED HIM!
the policeman, went straight in and arrested the milkman, how did he know it was him??? (he didnt know any of em personally, he didnt witness it, no1 tiold him all he heard was john uve killed him, and no no woz wearin a nametag




hav a fun time bendin ur brain tryin to figure these out guys lol:bashhead:

[Jim Halpert]

The virgin Mary didn't actually have sex to concieve Jesus, you fool.

[Mrmakee]

MOst of those were stupid. Just a play on words. 2/10

[Mrmakee]

I could read the text just fine. Heard most of those jokes. Weren't that great back then, not that great now. 4/10 (and thats generous)

[Mrmakee]

Your font is too hard to read. na i'm just saying it beacause others will. I can read it fine. Most of those jokes were average or lame. 5/10

[Sephiroth_3434]

1) The man was a Dwarf. He carried an umbrella on rainy days with which he pushed the 10th floor button. On Sunny days he wouldn't be able to reach the button, therefore he would walk.

2) By "witness" I'm going to assume you mean he didn't see the window getting broken. Therefore the father knew the window had been broken by the son because of where the glass shards were. If the window were broken from the outside, there would be glass inside the house, but since there isn't any glass inside the house, the father knew that the window was broken from the inside.

3) The name "John" is male. Since there was a Lawyer, a Doctor, and a Milkman (Lawyer and Doctor being a genderless description of the job), the Officer assumed it was the Milkman because he was the only male there.

[Vermillion]

They were terrible. The first one didn't even make sense. And please change your bloody font.

[Vermillion]

Didn't like any of them.

[KingJazzaD12]

lol wotever

ps do u like south park mr counciller? mmkay

[KingJazzaD12]

nice lol did u like da riddles??

and hav u heard em b4?

[Freakout]

I just merged your, I think 5 different threads together into one. Next time you have a lot of jokes and/or riddles to share, save me the headache and just make one thread, please? Don't do it again.

[Major Isoor]

Yeah, I especially liked the one with the "I can't believe my daughter has a penis!". :D Funny cos I didn't expect it. The others were good too, but that one stood out a little more. :D :P

[Mharll]

Michael Jackson joke sucked. Blonde jokes were good, bar jokes would have been cool if not for a few annoying mistakes.

The "Logic" post content was terrible, but the riddles were pretty good.

[Nicholas]

These jokes just...sucked IMO.

Your font is too hard to read. na i'm just saying it beacause others will. I can read it fine. Most of those jokes were average or lame. 5/10


Your triple posting is lame.

nice lol did u like da riddles??


No, but I thought your multi-posting was pretty funny.

[KingJazzaD12]

wot typa jokes do u wonna hear???
lol update anyway:

A man decided to go to a massage parlour for the first time.When he gets there the woman is drop dead gorgeous,great big tits,nice face and an hour glass figure.Two minutes into the massage his dick is rock hard,
He asks if he can have a wank,'sure thing,' she says and leaves the room.
Five minutes later she pops her head round the door and asks him if he's finished.



25 useless things in men body :

- 20 nails that can't hammer
- 2 nipples that can't produce milk
- 2 balls that can't bounce
- 1 Bird that can't fly.




Q: Why do women fake orgasms?

A: Because they think we care.



On a given night, 2 deathrow inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution is in progress, the pastor admisnisters to the other condemned man in his cell.
"Don't worry my son", says the pastor, "as soon as the high voltage reaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won't feel a thing."
Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell block. The pastor immediately ask one of the guard "What is all this screaming about?"
Not to worry pastor, we had a power failure, so we're finishing the first execution "by candles".




Eddie Mcguire fromm who wonts to be a millionaire and wife were getting ready for bed one evening.
"Honey," the fellow asked, "do you want to make love tonight?"
"No dear, not tonight," she replied.
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yes, that is my final answer!"
"In that case," he said, "may I phone a friend.



Q:Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

A:You can unscrew a lightbulb.




One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police
Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this and he asked, "How sure
are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?"

"No."

"Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the
exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He
handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and
started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,

"What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish
Remover'?"




One early afternoon, two old ladies were sitting and talking in a park. Along came a flasher, who flashed the two old ladies. One old lady had a stroke...but the other couldn't reach.


What's the difference between a policeman's baton, and a magician's wand?

One is for cunning stunts, the other is for ... apprehending criminals.







Everybody I know usually calls their dog Rover or Spot. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "She is a dog!!"

He said he didnt care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I had Sex since I was 9 years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the weddimg. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my life revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand! Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around, and I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said. "I hoped to have Sex on TV!"

He called me a 'show off'!

When my wife and I split, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married."

The judge said, "Me too!!"

Last night, Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my shrink, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I couldn't live any longer, so lonely!"

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get your self a dog."





There was a fly hovering six inches above a pond. There was a fish in the pond that said, "If that fly dropped six inches, I could get it." A bear was behind the fish and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, and I would get the fish." A hunter was behind the bear and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, and I would get the bear." A mouse happened to be behind the hunter, and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would get the bear, and I would get the piece of cheese in the hunter's back pocket." There was a cat behind the mouse and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would get the bear, the mouse would get the cheese, and I would get the mouse." So the fly dropped six inches. The fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the cheese, and the cat went for the mouse but missed and landed in the pond. What's the moral of this story?






This guy is flying down the road in his EB Z06; and he comes over the top
of a bridge, sure enough,on the other side there is sitting a cop with a
radar gun.

The cop pulls the guy over,walks up to the car and asks "What's the
hurry?"

The guy replies, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah", says the cop, "what do you do?"

The guy responds, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says "A rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

The guy says,"Well, I start with one finger,then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three,then four,then my whole hand,then I work until I can
get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6
foot wide"

The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot *******?'

The guy replies, "You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a
bridge..."




A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"



I went to the Pre-ejaculation Clinic today. The problem was that when I got there everyone was gone. I guess I came early.



So there's a blonde 'n a brunette riding in an elevator when it stops on the 6th floor and a man gets on. Well, they notice that he has some dandruff on his shoulder but politely decline to say anything until the man leaves two floors later. The brunette then turns to the blonde 'n says, "someone needs to give that poor guy some Head 'n Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"



Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can piss and moan at the same time!



The two guys with the biggest penises in the world wanted to have a contest. They wanted to see whose penis was the biggest. Not wanting everyone to see their contest they decided to walk from Brooklyn over the Verrazano Bridge to a Remote part of Staten Island. While walking over the bridge and seeing all of that water, they had to urinate. They each started to urinate over the side of the bridge. After about ten seconds the first guy said. "Whoooooo, this water is cold! Not to be out done, the other guy said. "Yes it is...And it's deep too!!!



10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On
their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm
still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married
ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how,
but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never
sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"




A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. "

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "




A man goes to a doctor because he thinks his penis is simply way too long. It makes it hard to get into clothes comfortably; it sometimes scares the ladies too. It also seems to impair his speech.

After his consultation and exam, the doctor schedules him for surgery to shorten his penis a remarkable seven inches, leaving seven in place.

The patient says, " Dddoctor, ddo yyyooou tthhink I willll bbbe hhapppy aafterr tthhe ssssurggery?"

The doctor assures him he'll find the normal life easier to deal with and the surgery is performed.

But at the post-operative visit, the patient says, "Doctor, I can't believe I lost my studder since the surgery! It is remarkable. But, I have to say I do miss the extra length! Is there anyway you could re-attach what you took off?"

"Nnnooooo wwwaaayyyyy!," replied the doctor!



What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus



What is the difference between being kinky and being perverted?
When you are kinky, you use a feather.
When you are perverted, you use the whole damn chicken.


lol all i could think of/ dig up in galleries for now

[Austin.]

Yo man your text is hard to read. Fix it so I can read your Jokes as they are usually pretty funny.

[KingJazzaD12]

this better m8?