lalalalala

[The Piano Man]

Songs to Download: Charlie Brown songs.

[The Piano Man]

So, there is this girl and I think she likes me. She writes "I am madly in love with you" like on all my stuff. Draws on my arm, says I have pretty eyes, and other things that make me think she likes me. Crap, my dad is awake. I will finish this later.

[The Piano Man]

Well David Blaine didn't make it. That sucks. May sweeps sucks this year. Media as a whole seems to suck lately. Except for video games, they are still good.

[The Piano Man]

So today, this kid told me "I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you." Usually he does this sort of thing, he is the loser of the school. So I said he was "Gay" and he got pissed and threatend me. When he said it, he didnt smile. It was kind of scary, but whatever. This got me to thinking, "If I died right now, who would come to my funeral?" I would really like to know this. I would almost rather die relatively young, to see who would come to my funeral, because when your old, people might not really care. Or your friends could be dead.

So Those are my thoughts.

Oh, and the Yankees are gonna lose tonight because Johnson cannot pitch at all.

[The Piano Man]

So school let out on the 9th. The usual jubilation that accompanies it wasn't there. It's cliche but, I think the reason I wasn't ecstatic was because "I DON'T WANNA GROW UP!!!!". I am like George Cstanza sometimes. I really am. It is quite wierd. I think I might elaborate on this thought more, but I might get lazy. Either one.

Oh, one movie I am looking forward to, Strangers With Candy.

[The Piano Man]

So two nights ago I had a dream I beat the sh*t out of this one kid who is always being a real jerk-off and then it got me thinking-"Is this a sign of things to come and am I slowly sliding down the slippery slope of insanity? (alliteration is cool!) Sometimes I think I may infact be crazy, but then I think "Dumbass, you're overreacting. You only want to think that to get attention." Then I start to think "Maybe I only had that last thought because of my low self-esteem. This whole "objective observation" of myself can become quite the vicious cycle.

Also I am not over Breana. I feel like my feelings for her are coming back. Although that may be only be because we don't really ever talk anymore and this may be my minds desperation kicking in. Who the hell knows though, right?

I got my report card today. Pretty good overall. Weighted GPA was a 3.4. Pretty good considering I took like all the half-ass rquired classes this year, in my freshman year, so I don't have to take them later on. You know, get 'em out of the way. I did sucky in those classes. So it is good they're over.

I went to Disney World last week and stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. A very nice place. I highly recommend it. We were watching "IllumiNation's and we were ssitting on a bench and we saw a snake slither right infron tof us. So the snake went past me, my mother and Grandma's feet. A snake is not something you expect ti see at Disney World. And it was funny, on Roseanne, they went to Walt Disney World. You ever have those day swhen it seems like you do completely unrelated activities, yet they all have a certain theme? Tha thappens to me ALL the time. Like the day we drove back from WDW, the theme was, WDW.

I am going to call this girl tomorrow. She gave me her number and she expects me to call her. Maybe I can hook up with her, as in boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever. But she also wrote in my yearbook she likes one of my friends who lives right near me. So she could use me to get to him. But whoknows. I almost said "I would rather be used than be single much longer" But then I realized how asinine that would be.

Oh and I was twirlin gthis umbrella my sister got in WDW and i poked myself in the eye with it. It hurt.

Also get NFL Head Coach. Addicting game. My Xbox got pissed at me today 'cause I played it too much and told me that the brand new disc that couldn't have gotten any scratches on it whatsoever was dirty or damaged. So it was stupid.

And root for Italy in the World Cup. For real. And the Yankees.

Oh and incase you were cognizant enough, I got a name chance. My little tribute to the MAN! Mr. Joel!

Well I think I have successfully bored everyone enough. Ima go now. kthxbye

[The Piano Man]

I tell myself I am not in love, yet everytime I hear a love song, I think of her. Everytime the phone rings, I hope its her. Everytime I get online, I hope she is on. Everytime I go somewhere, I hope I see her. I dunno. I just thought I should throw that out there.

[The Piano Man]

So my mom had a friend and her daughter over tonight for the 4th. I flirted a little, and I liked her, but it only made me want Breana that much more. What the hell is with this mental block I seem to have with other girls. Uhg. I suck.

Oh and there was a copperhead right outside our door and so I am staring death in the face by writing this near my front door.

[The Piano Man]

Uhg the night of the 4th I had a helluva time getting to sleep. I was up all night thinking about Breana and how much I wanted her, not sexually but to be with her. I just wanted her to be mine so bad and to just be with her. Agh, it was driving me crazy.

Then I started thinking about how it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I died when I was 30-35 years old. It is a stupid thing to think I know. But it popped into my head. I just don't want to become a lonely loser. That is something I desperately want to keepf rom happening and I think that fear is where the thought came from.

I was also questioning my friendship with Breana. Everything that night tied into Breana. She does infact have a hand in EVERYTHING I do. It is amazing how someone can have that much power over you and not know it. Drives me crazy.

[The Piano Man]

Last night, everything from the night of the 4th came out and into three e-mails I sent to Breana. Here they are and her response.
__________________________________________________ _______________
Subject: Emo Bastard

Hey Beans, (This is long but please read it. It would mean a lot to me.)
Remember when I said I was all emo two nights ago? Well because I didn't do anything about those feelings then, I need to do it now.

Am I really your friend? It seems like sometimes you talk to me because your nice. I mean I guess I wish I wasn't such a pansy about talking to you. I kinda need to be told I'm your friend. You know how people joke around and say "Oh does someone need a hug?" Well, yeah I do. I do need a hug. It's like sometimes I just don't feel needed.

A lack of self-esteem will change you in so many ways. It effects you in every part of your life. This has made me incredibly more passive. I don't go out and seek attention. I don't draw attention to myself but everyone has to feel needed and noticed. I was cutting the grass and I was going to cut it so long that I would get heat exhaustion. That isn't the first time I tried to give myself heat exhaustion, either. I have tried it on the trampoline a couple of times to get attention.

One of the things a lack of self-esteem will do, or atleast with me, gave me the ability to observe and really think about my thoughts and actions objectively. Most people see themselves subjectively. One thing I wonder about is if this whole "lack of self-esteem" is a bunch of crap my mind tricked me into thinking that I don't have any and I am using that to get your attention.

One thing I also thought about that I am somewhat ashamed of, but not totally, is the fact that I thought "You know, it wouldn't be the worst thing to die at 30 or 35 years old." I am afraid of growing old, Breana. I am afraid I am wasting my life away on the computer and the television and I am afraid. I really am scared. But I am not scared of dying. I am scared of others dying and myself getting old.

I do wonder if I died right now who would come to my funeral. Sometimes I think life is boring but I am not suicidal. Seriously. Too much of a pansy for that.

Breana I am just scared. Scared of growing old, losing someone close, being alone.
I am also scared that you aren't so much as my friend as someone who pity's me and talks to me out of the kindness of her heart.

I am not suicidal though so don't take this that way. I just think of death a lot and what would happen. What I think is if I would die, I would finally get the attention I want.

I am like a dog. My dog always wants attention, and I have gone a little too long without some myself because I don't speak up and keep them bottled inside. I am scared that all this will one day come out and I will become crazy.

Have you ever felt a long lack of self-esteem? It is horrible. Confidence effects everything. I am just scared. Scared of never "getting it done" if you know what I mean, marriage, others dying, wasting my life, becoming insane.


Breana, these are things that I don't tell anyone. My dad tells me"If there is one thing we know you don't lack, it's self-confidence" so my parents have no idea. No one else knows this much. I would prefer to keep it that way. Please don't tell Anthony or Andy or Holly.

Sincerely,
The Emo Bastard
AKA Scott Travers
__________________________________________________ ___________________________
Next one:


You may think I am a freak because of some of those things I said in the e-mail but I'm not. I basically just need a hug. I will not become insane though. Ever since I saw Anger Management I have had that thought that "Hell that could happen to me" stuck in me head. So I promise I will not become insane. My ability to observe objectively will keep me from that. Really.

I am a kid with low self-esteem. That's all. Maybe I fear things that other people don't, okay.

I am just worried you'll take some of the stuff I said the wrong way and I just want you to know that I am not crazy, going to be or suicidal. Just because I have different worries that some people doesn't make me crazy.
__________________________________________________ __________________________
Last one:

Just do add on. This is how I deal with my emotions. They build up and then for a little I become emo until I let it out. It is like a cycle. We all have different ways of dealing with life. This is mine. I am sorry I dump all my **** onto you but you are the only one I feel like I can trust. I don't REALLY trust anyone else enough to tell them all this. But keep that in mind, that is the ramblings of an emo guy at 2:33 but I meant it. I do worry about all of it, except for the becoming insane part. Other than that I wonder it all and worry about it all.

__________________________________________________ _________________________

She replied:

scott,
im not just talking to u cuz im nice! Believe me i am anything but nice! u r my friend i just have a really hard time like having friends because believe it or not i am afaird of the same things u are! scott really people are afaird and u have alot of fears other close friends of mine do! also stop with this emo ****, really ur not. EMO even isnt a real thing. Im not trying to b rude but really coming from someone who is close to someone who is consider and "emo" just makes me pissed because thats who they are. YOu dont label who someone is in a big group! SO i have a question for u since u trust me! r u hurting urself? I total get i f u dont want to let me in but just think this u do have people that will try to help u and if they are good friends you will stay with them forever! THings will get better scott, jjust hold on for me ok! Im worried about u and i dont want anything bad to happen that i could have stoped or helped u with!
__________________________________________________ _______________

I am not a cutter and I am not suicidal. I told her that and we talked about it some. I was just scared she would think I am insane or I am going to become insane pretty soon, so I felt the need to send those extra e-mails.

[The Piano Man]

Damn. I just broke my mouse. Or the little roll thing in the middle. I use that alot.

So I wanted to tell Breana really bad yesterday that I love her, BUT I didn't. I know, you were expecting me to tell her. But I am a coward. So that is how it goes.

On a completely unrelated topic...

I have been with Italy since before the World Cup began. Seriously I was playing Fifa 2006: Road to the Fifa World Cup and I picked Italy and I became a fan. So when Zidane headbutted Materazzi I let the F bombs fly. I gave pretty much everyone on the French team the finger and it was not good. I got really pissed at him. So that made the victory all the more sweet.

[The Piano Man]

So I had another thought. If Breana, if you are reading this. Tell me. Please do. I know it will be ackward but the fact taht you know will make it all worth while. So if you read this, please tell me. I would love to hear that so I don't have to e-mail some of this stuff to you. I really want you to know how I feel but I can't do it. So if you read this and told me, it would make things a lot easier. So if you are, please tell me. I would appreciate it ever so much.

[The Piano Man]

Seriously Breana. I know you read my last blog so please if you are reading this, tell me. I would really appreciate it. I'm being serious.

[The Piano Man]

I felt as if I should update this.

Breana invited me to her birthday party. It's cool because she has the exact same birthday as my sister, so it's really easy to remember. But, after all the sh*t I put Breana through, I don't know if any of her friends like me that much... They can stand me, but I don't wanna be around them for four hours, basically on my own. Could get awkward (sp?)

So I am gonna invite Tyler. Speaking of, I have to reply to his e-mail. Andy, Breana and Tyler all ate lunch together and had 3rd period together, so he knows her well enough to be invited. So that's what I think I shall do.

And I have been over to her house before. A couple times, actually. Only one time did I stay over an hour though. It was for a suprise party for of her friends, and me and him were okay friends, too. So that's my plan and I'm stickin' to it.

[The Piano Man]

Wow, today was one helluva day. But it started a couple of days ago, actually.

So my dad (and if you're reading this Breana, don't tell anyone in school. Please.) has 3 DUI's for a very bad period in his life. He is bi-polar, but only recently became an issue, but we didn't know of this condition, he didn't either. He was mixed up and on his downswings, he turned to alchohol. This sucked. This was a hard time in my life, my parents faught, I was beginning puberty, my sister was a year old and all of this happening to me.

So he got a suspended liscense for a year, but he drove because he had to go to work. He drove very carefully and took every precaution he could, but he got pulled over two or three days ago. So he was in the pokey until we posted bail. So that was a wierd experience, but I didn't get worried, really.

Then yesterday was just a strange day in general. It was just, off, you ever have those days? It seems as if just something isn't right? Well that was yesterday.

But today, I was home by myself until about 5:00 PM, so I messed around on the internet, mostly. Tried my Limewire, which hasn't worked in a couple of months, and it WORKED!!!!!!!!!!! I was ecstatic. I downloaded exactly 100 songs, bringing my total to 577. Then, I get up to see what other songs I want to download, and I feel dizzy. I wave it off, thinking I just got up too fast. But it continued. This went on for about three hours. Quite a wierd thing to happen. And my Dad told me earlier that I had to cut the grass, and I was worried about cutting the grass and being dizzy but I didn't say anything because I was in a mood where I didn't really want to exist, be a bystander. Today would have been the ultimate people-watching day for me.
I usually don't like to people-watch, but this would have been the day to do it.

So I didn't say anything. I cut the grass, lost my temper and asked myself, "What the f*ck is wrong with you?" I yelled at my four year old sister. Then I started thinking about how I am worried that I am going to go insane. I do worry about that ALOT for a 14 year old.

Eventually I got it all and I wasn't dizzy anymore, which was almost an unpleasent suprise because it could've been a reason for attention. I like attention. So I just chilled, still not saying anything. Then, it was about 10:00 PM and my Dad said he was gonna go to bed, so I said "Goodnight" and off he went. My mom called to me, telling me to go upstairs and look at him. He was having a seizure.

So we had to call the ambulance, and they took him away at about 12:00 midnight. It is 5:40 AM, and I have only been awake for about 15 hours. I got up at 2:30 PM.

Is it bad that I am not all that worried about my Dad? Am I a horrible person for not being that worried? I feel like an a*s, but I dunno. (My "Objective Observation Power" tells me I put that in there for attention only)

[The Piano Man]

So just as I hit, Post Quick Reply, my parents walk in the door. My father is fine, and everything is cool. But still, very wierd string of events.

All this started the day NCAA Football 2007 came out. I wonder if God doesn't want me to get it? Hmmm. Food for thought...

[The Piano Man]

So right now I am in Pittsburgh, PA for my sister's birthday. I don't really enjoy it up here, just going through the motions, basically. But I have some reason to update this:

I am going to build a hovercraft, or atleast I plan to. I might/probably wont because getting off my fat, lazy a$$ is something I am not skilled at. So I need to do that, and I am psyched about that. For more news, see Paragraph Three

Paragraph Three
I was looking through my old school notebooks, and came across one from 5th grade. I open to the first page of this notebook, the first thing I see is the date of the first entry. The date was September 11th, 2001. I do remember doing that entry, actually. I remember ALOT from that day, five years ago. I did that entry before the teacher was informed of the attack, I don't know if it was before the actual event.

It was wierd too, because the teachers kept it secret from us, and then all of a sudden parents started picking up their kids and taking them home, so all of us were stressed out. And this was 40 minutes away from DC, mind you. So it was freaky. More on it lata, though. I gotta go get some sleep.

I slept in to 3:30 PM today though. So I'm not really tired at all.

[The Piano Man]

So I just had a crazy dream. I will write it down here for future reference.

I was in this crazy mansion with all these famous painting's scattered throughout this house. It was your typical poor lit, creepy spider webs placed to maximize the freak out.

So it was actually me and two other people I didn't know, but we will call them Ashley and Phil. (I dunno why, but I can/will) There are two bad witches, and their hierarchy is kind of like the one in Star Wars, where there is the top guy, the emperor, and he is the unquestioned leader because he is the most bad ass. Then there is another witch. This witch is second in command because, and only because she is the first witches sister. She is a bumbling idiot and can be easily manipulated (foreshadowing?)

Now the scene is set.

Ashley, Phil and I were chilling in the rec room, which is where they put us when they captured us. No, I don't know why they captured us, but they did. So we are freaked out, talking about what the hell we are gonna do, and paranoia starts to take over our thoughts. Hell, we were kids, only 15 years old, and not many experiences we can pull to help with our mindset.

So the first witch goes away to her loft, penthouse suite, I dunno where she goes, but she goes there, leaving the rumblin’, bumblin’, stumblin’ idiot in charge. We, of course take this opportunity to pounce on the fact that she can be easily manipulated. We see a book on the table, this book looks ancient and sacred, judging by the fact that it had markings all over, jewel-encrusted, all the things that say “This book is important”. We open it and all of a sudden, a large mirror, one that clearly couldn’t fit inside an ordinary book pops out. “What the hell are we going to do with a mirror?” Phil asks. Just then, Ashley takes it and starts to look at her self, primping. We are standing here, typical teens, two guys and a girl.

Out of nowhere a giant tentacle snaps out from the wall and grabs Phil. Phil is repeatedly slammed mercilessly against the wall from which it came. This brought Ashley and I both to tears. It was such a gruesome death, yet all we could see, because the wall which was used to slam Phil against was covered in a shroud of shadow. We sit there, wondering, sulking. Phil’s death, along with the mysterious mirror all add to our budding paranoia. The second witch, meanwhile was asleep, although she wouldn’t have cared if one of us died. After we collect ourselves, or at east what we could salvage, we go to see more about that book. It obviously possesses some sort of magical force.

We scurry over there, for fear of the first witch coming back. We look at it, study it, and we got nothin’. We open the book again, and lo and behold, another item comes out, and it’s a puppy this time. “What the f*ck are we supposed to do with a puppy” I ponder. Just then, the first witch appears out of nowhere, riding her broom triumphantly through the window. The second witch bolts upright, trying to fool the witch into believing she was watching them the whole time.

We grab the book and run. The first witch bellows “You fool! You idiot! You let the vermin get the book! I cannot believe you sister. I trust you to watch a couple of simpleton vermin, and you can’t do that. I will not give you any more responsibilities if this keeps up!”

The first witch now turns toward us, with a menacing look in her eye. She creeps closer and closer, we are literally shaking in our boots. We creep backward every time she creeps forward. Just then, Ashley whips out the book, opens it and the first witch goes limp. Her back looks as if she doesn’t have a spine, she crumples to the ground and now we have the upper hand. “Kick her while she’s down!” I shout to Ashley, she does.

The first witch, after many Chuck Norris-like roundhouse kicks to the face, dies, Leaving the second witch all alone, unprotected. We open the book and she crumples down and dies. She was too mentally weak to carry on.

Fin

So there is my dream. I did change some things, because I couldn’t remember them. A typical witch story, but it has potential, I think. Oh, and yesterday was Breana’s birthday, so I sent her this e-mail:

HAPPY
BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I know this is a little late in the day, but I honestly thought that today was July 30, not the 31st. But here it is, so HAPPY BURTHDAY!!!

Hopefully I will be there, and I invited Tyler because you said it would be okay.

-Scott
__________________________________________________ ______________

Except the HAPPY BIRTHDAY was in a different font, and each letter was a different color, and the exclamation points were different colors too.

This is a long ass entry.

[The Piano Man]

So I just went through the Recycle Bin here, and I couldn't find my old blog. Can a mod, if the have that ability, give me a link to my old blog? It was called "Yankees26!! blog or doc ocks too" or something like that. Along those lines. I wish I remembered more about it like when I stopped and stuff to help you out, but can someone please do that? Thanks.

[The Piano Man]

This is going to sound stupid coming from a 14 year old kid who doesn't do any acting outside of school, but I guarentee I could be an amazing actor if I actually put my mind to it.

I am like Jim Carrey. I guarentee I could be AT LEAST as good as him. I can distort my face with the best of them, seriously. Everytime I actually try to act, I blow everybody away. I am sseriously an amazing actor. The teachers after my 8th grade play realized I am great and took me aside and told me all this things about how I am just amazing and how I really need to stick with it.

However my kryptonite is cold readings. I cannot do them, and that is how we audition for the school plays. Which sucks. And I and doing a contest for a 101 word story, here are two of them I wrote tonight. Take a look:

For 12th grade AP Psychology, I had to make a timeline telling all the important events in my life. So I started it with my birth. Onto my family’s move to Maryland, then my sister being born, then meeting the greatest person to grace this fair land of ours, my love. Then the two times I asked my love out, and got rejected both times. The first time I went to her house was next, followed by the third time I asked her out and got rejected. 0-3. I hung it up early.

The last event on the timeline, May 14, 2006- Suicide.

Denied love, the silent killer.
Emotion fluttered wildly, weakening his already unstable mindset. Emotions said softly, “Do it! Do it!” Everything he learned in health class, common sense and his better judgment said “This is the worst thing you could do! Don’t throw it all away now! You have only begun this journey!” Weak-minded people become easily overcome by emotion. He reached for the instrument used to end so many lives.

His mother came up to deliver laundry. She finds her son’s body limp, computer, magazines all drenched in maroon blood. Horror and despair beyond comprehension.

Denied Love, The Silent Killer
__________________________________________________ _______________

Notice a pattern? Actually I dont really feel like that, to that extent. Only some of it.

I would like it if Breana could read this. Especially if I die, and someone who knows me and I die, please give this to her. I would really appreciate it. Thanks.

Oh and you know I am serious about that acting thing because how many times in this blog or the last one have I bragged about ANYTHING? Never.

[The Piano Man]

Holy crap. So I was on LimeWire, looking for some Wicked The Musical songs and I see a video for it. So I download it, and lo and behold, it is the entire broadway production! Holy sh*t! I have been dying to see it. That is amazing. The quality is pretty good, except the audio isn't, too much. So I downloaded the songs, and play them with the play. It is great.

[The Piano Man]

I am pretty exited. I am going to go to Breana's birthday party tomorrow night. I get to see her, some kids who went to a different high school when our middle school got split up. I am really exited.

Oh but... I lost my virginity! Or at least my ears did... kinda... well not really.

I heard "Every Step You Take" by Sting and the Police and it was like sex for my ears. That song is amazing. Everything about it. The Police are most definetly challenging Mr. Billy Joel for my favorite band/singer.

[The Piano Man]

So there was somewhat of a mix-up about this party. I was invited by Breana. This is a suprise party, for Breana. She already knew about it, but her mom still thinks she is in the dark. So I guess I was supposed to tell her mom or something I was coming, but Breana said "Hey you should come." I said "ok"
She replied "You should probably call my mom. Wait, nevermind, just come with Andy."

And this whole thing is being catered. So this sucks. I am still going, but it will be interesting. I hope I don't barf.

[The Piano Man]

So I just got back. Not much to report. I made friends with some hot chicks. It was fun. That song "Ridin'" is stuck in my head because they were blasting the rap music. Breana loved by Cold Stone Creamery gift card. Although I forgot to sign the card, so I was pissed at myself for that.

It was fun though. And no news is good news, I guess. The card I got Breana had a beaver on it, the animal. And so my pervert friend said a beaver is his favorite animal. So I tell that to this girl who didn't know what it meant, so she shouted with all these little kids and adults around "What does beaver mean?" 'Twas really funny.

Then Breana got a star named after her, in Switzerland. Not a car. So I said, "My parents are gonna buy me uranus." Middle school, I know. But funny. So I got pinched.

[The Piano Man]

I'm gonna try to upload a good picture of me later on. You guys tell me if I am infact the ugly bastard I have been non-verbally told that I am for years.

[The Piano Man]

Well... It's not a picture, but it's something. Here is my Myspace. It isn't private, so you can look at it. Check out the pictures and tell me if I am infact the ugly bastard I am. kthxbye

Dumbass forgot to put the link in. Here it is:

http://www.myspace.com/aweisman

You can also just send me a friend request and send me a message if you prefer. You could send me a comment, but I will probably delete it after I read it because I don't want people I know knowing I have a blog.

And I will be removing the link soon enough, because I dont want people close to me to know. I just wanna know if I am the ugly dude I have been told I am. But you can learn more about me there. But nothing personal. All that stuff is right here.

[The Piano Man]

Oh, incase you are wondering, Breana does not have a Myspace. And I will not upload a picture of her, not that I have one. I don;t want you knowing what she looks like. That wouldn't be respecting her privacy.

[The Piano Man]

http://img235.imageshack.us/img235/9803/dscn1890lm9.th.jpg (http://img235.imageshack.us/my.php?image=dscn1890lm9.jpg)

So there it is. Me. Comments, questions, concerns?

[The Piano Man]

I have decided that once I am out of college and if I don't have a girl and the Breana saga is over, I am going to move to a foreign country. I would be a great experience. I am thinking of Britain, it seems like it would be very interesting to live there. I dunnol This may be some stupid thing I am thinking while young, but I dunno, It is a possibility. Maybe a friend could come? Who knows.

[The Piano Man]

So I haven't updated this in about 10 days, as you have probably noticed. I was on vacation in the gated, very exclusive, Sea Pines Resort in Hilton Head, South Carolina. Amazing place, the house was incredible. In the immortale words of Ferris Bueller "If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up."

A lotta sh*t happend. I am going to list all the things that happend, so I don't forget about one. I went skinny-dipping for the first time, I got stung by a jellyfish, I have a class with Breana, the Yankees dominated, and other stuff happend too.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Haha! I am going to have a cliffhanger until I can get time to really type this whole thing out. That is gonna take a long time and it is 3 AM and I am f*cking exhausted.

[The Piano Man]

So a couple of thoughts popped into my head. Here they are:

Interview people for book idea's. Maybe about their most interesting experience?

Bike

And I will elaborate on this one here; Peace of mind.

My life is a constant struggle for peace of mind. I am somewhat paranoid about almost everything. I want to have peace of mind because it lets me relax. If I look at porn, I want to check, double check, triple check to see if they are not on the computer anymore. If your wondering, that is why I am down here; to make sure my porn isn't on the computer.

There's more to this entry...

I want to start to expand my blog. I like attention. My first blog on here was one of the most popular, if not the most popular one, based on views. But now, it seems as if it doesn't have any readers. I want to maybe make it a website or something. But without spending money.

Also I am going to do reviews of pop culture. The first installment is tonight.

Check out Third Eye Blind's self-titled CD. Amazing CD. Not a bad track in the bunch. All the way around it is incredible. Burning Man is a great song. The best tracks are 8, 10-14. There are more, such as 2-5, but I like those just a tad more, so those tracks get the edge. But Third Eye Blind's self-titled CD. Check it out.
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Goddamn. My sister got a ginea pig, the stupid thing keeps making all kinds of noises. I think it's my parents. Paranoia.

[The Piano Man]

If you want to feel pain, get stung by a jellyfish. Those primitive f*ckers pack a world of hurt. I have pictures (!) of my jellyfish wound. Exiting, isn't it? I wasn't that far out in the ocean and all of a sudden my leg gets this wierd sensation, like a soft sting.

I am not one to take chances in the ocean where the greatest killing machine on the planet resides, a Great White, so I sprinted out of there as fast as I could. My dad asks the traditional "What happend?" I said "Jellyfish.. I think a jellyfish got me." As I say that I lay face down in the sand. That is when the pain really set in. That hurt so much, it was amazing. It musta been a big muthaf*ckin' jellyfish, too because it was a BIG, swollen area.

But what was wierd, my whole leg hurt, and I thought it got me on the ankle, but it got me on the back of the knee. Then after about 3 minutes, my leg got numb for a while. Once that happend, the pain was going down.

Being the man that I am, I went out in the ocean not 10 minutes after the near-fatal sting occured. Ground Zero. The salt-water however, wasn't doing much for the pain. After about 10 minutes there, I went back to our beach house. My dad called one of his friends to check the internet for jellyfish sting treatments. So we did that. And now it is better, but it is still red and somewhat itchy. But no pain.

I will edit in the pictures of it in later.

[The Piano Man]

I am up...

Why? Because, even though I know that I didn't go to any bad sites, I am still here making sure there isn't a record of them.

[The Piano Man]

I'm in a really f*cking bad mood. I pretty much hate everything right about now. I don't know what got my into this state, but I have a few suspects: My muthaf*cking rash, my jellyfish sting, general itchyness, I dominated Madden too easily, I can't get a few songs onto this CD, Mapquest, my parents, school. To name a few...

So yes, I am pissed. But on a lighter note, go see Little Miss Sunshine. A great movie. It was sad at times, but also had moments where I was rofling. (Rofling- The act of rofl) So I am not kidding. See it. It is my favorite movie of the summer. So do it.

[The Piano Man]

To make my day worse, I am tired as hell. My mom gave me Benadryl to stop the itching, and it did its job, but it WIPED me the f*ck out. I am going to scream.

Earlier today I actually did scream. The itching was pissing me off greatly.

But I am getting Subway, so that kinda makes up for everything that sucks.

Oh and things that are pissing me off today, Madden, School, my dog, nothing on TV, I haven't gotten a comment on here in like a bajillion years, I am too lazy to tell my friend that I found the greatest song of all time.

By the way, buy the CD Buzz Ballads. It is a compilation (sp?) and the music takes me back to my childhood so friggin much. So buy it.

[The Piano Man]

So... School starts on Monday...

I gotta say, I am nervous. Not like I was last year, but still. I am damn nervous.

I am nervous about grades, my appearence, my personality, my classes, being an ass o people, my friends, sleep, Chemistry, AP, Italian.

I repeated some worries, but yes, those are them.

Oh, my friend whom I met over Xbox Live posted the first post of this blog on High Impact Halo. I never go there, but I visited to see the responses to the thread. Most said I am an obsessed stalker freak.

That is how it would appear, hell, if I wasn't me, I would think the exact same thing. But I am me. I know what I think. I know how to dissect my thoughts and feelings. I know that I am not a stalker. I saw her ONCE over the summer. I am angry. But not at them, at myself. I am mad that I, apparently, haven't conveyd the message clearly.

The message is that I lover as much as my little 14 year-old heart can. She may not return it, but that is the way it f*cking is. I don't like change, so it is probably going to stay that way until some other girl forces me to.

[The Piano Man]

I have to say. I am not a happy camper.

I am down... School is starting. Along with it comes stress, waking up, stress, yelling, stress. Uhg. It is not cool.

I like it because I see my friends on a daily basis, but other than that... it pretty much sucks. I am jst feeling all down and sad. Not even my Fantasy Draft tomorrow can make it better.

Also, for some reason, I feel lonely. I feel isolated from all but one of my friends.

For some people, new people, not people I am close to, I feel the need to put on a false facade to impress them. People always say "Be yourself, dude." But I don't know what that person is like exposed to a lot of people. So I but on this disguise for all but one of my friends.

Everyone else, when I talk to them it feels atleast somewhat like a chore. Like Andy, he is the only other person I show myself to, but een then I occasionally throw that stupid disguised me in there.

My friend, Mike. He said he went to a party and there was one of his friends there who was haning out with all these girls. The friend is average looking. Mike asks "Dude, how do you do it? How do you get all these girls?" His friend replyed "Just being myself."

So Mike told me that, (I showed him the Breana stuff, he thought it was a load of crap and wasn't subtle.) I should be myself and everything will be cool. But when you lack confidence, you mentally block out yourself for the more socially accepted face.

But yes, I feel lonely and isolated. School, I fear, will only accentuate these feelings. But when the word 'depressed' creeps into my little head, I think about all the people who have it worse. Then I feel bad for them, and angry at myself for thinking I am as worse off as them.

I got a cushy thing going, I got it pretty good. And it makes me feel spoiled when the thought that I have a serious problem pops in to my thinking cap.

These types of moods are the best because they are when I write the best, story-wise.
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Are my blog entries choppy and hard to read? I make short, choppy sentances and my English teacher said that is bad. My dad also said "Easy writing makes for hard reading." Is my blog poorly written?

[The Piano Man]

For some reason when I let my dog out late at night, I feel as if I am sending him to his death. That is a horrid feeling.

[The Piano Man]

So, today was basically my last night of summer. It is a bittersweet moment, heavy on the bitter. I will have classes with friends, but stress.

Cons > Pros

I made, kind of, the most out of it. I had two Fantasy Football drafts today. I only care about the league all of my friends are in though. I have a kickass team. I am reading my old blog. It is really interesting. I might post it here, I might not.

[The Piano Man]

So I didn't make eye contact with Breana today in AP. Whas that stupid? We will find out, now wont we? It went well, except I am going to have an assload of homework pretty much everynight with AP, Italtian and English. The blog, she will suffer. Cause I wont have time to update it.

But I don't like my one easy class. It is pretty much hell for an hour and a half.
Oh yeah, our bus, made to fit two comfortably, three VERY uncomfortably, had 4 "sitting" in one seat. So our bus is PACKED. Stupid seniors and Juniors, drive, goddamnit!

[The Piano Man]

This was our warm-up in English today. It was a freewrite, but it had to be in a formal tone, so here is what i wrote:

Ideas. I deas are fickle little things that pop in and out of your head for your waking hours. Some idea's are marvelous, the next blockbuster. However, there are ideas that are lacking something, the Knick's plan for the next couple years. Then there are ideas that are lacking something important, common sense. One of these ideas is going to the bathroom while running at full speed just because a comedian said you never see it happen.

Other ideas are quite thought provoking, "What is the meaning of life?" What came first, the chicken or the egg?" "Will the Hungarian government really name the bridge the 'Stephen Colbert Bridge'?

Some ideas are just plane odd, "If I let the kangaroos out of the zoo, how much chaos would ensue?" But whatever your idea is, cherish it because we are the only species who is capable of such thought, even those of you with **** on your legs because you actually ran full speed while going to the bathroom.
__________________________________________________ _______________

I added the almost all of the bottom. I actually really liked it.

[The Piano Man]

I don't want to forget this, in my childhood I always hated Hooked on Phonics commercials and that Pearl Jam song Daughter.

And thank you Matchbox 20 for making your CD Yourself or Someone Like You and Barenaked Ladies for making their CD Stunt. Those two CD's got me into music. No joke.

[The Piano Man]

T'was a good day. The Gators won, ND won and I will get some sleep! YAY!

[The Piano Man]

I think I will post about how I went skinny dipping for the first time.

(This may be somewhat innapropriate)
So my entire family on my dads side, Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, all of 'em. So we rented a beach house in Hilton Head, SC. and the house had a pool in the back yard. All my cousins and I went swimming all the time in it. The pool was deep, it went about from 4 to 8 feet.

So our last night was Friday night. Everyone left, except for me, my dad, mom and my sister. I was thinking about going skinny dipping all week, and I did actually at night when everyone else was watching Big Brother. I popped in without the pool light on, I just took off my trunks in the water. My grandpa then came out within two minutes, but it was enough to whett my appitite.

I realized that my wing of the family would be all alone, and I would have the room where there was pool access right there in the room. So at about 3 AM, I went out in the pool, I did turn on the light, though, and I took off my pants, shirt, and put my towel right there in a quick access spot. I skinny dipped and it was one of the greatest things I have ever done. An amazing feeling. I then masturbated outside of the pool, naked, in the backyard in this really exclusive neighborhood.

It was incredible.

It was funny, too. I was talking to Breana on AIM last night and I asked her if she ever watched porn, she said no, not once. I said yes, I have. Then we talked about girl on girl porn, so she asked me if I thought it was hot. I said yes.

Breana has asked me alot of questions like that. She's asked me things like if I think I am "small", If I ever masturbated, what my sexual fantasies are, what I think sex will be like, how guys masturbate, how often I get "exited". Stuff like that.

If it's too inappropriate, tell me and I will edit it out. But please don't do it yourself.

[The Piano Man]

Oh, a couple of nights ago I e-mailed Breana this:

Okay, I know atleast some of the reason you rejected me was because I look like ****. I am not stupid, I realize that. I am getting tired of being this loser though. Is there any advice you could give me to not look as bad. If you dont want to, that's cool, but I would still like to atleast improve my image some. That'd be nice.

She e-mailed me back tonight this:

ok first of all i didnt reject u because of what u look like! im not really in to that ok! i dont know what to tell u i mean i like clean guys as in smell hair, skin nails and clothes so if that helps u get a girl use whatever i just said to ur advantage!

Is she saying that I am not clean and don't have good skin and clothes? I can't figure that out...

[The Piano Man]

Breana just called. She needed help with the AP World homework, I get nervous every time she calls.

But in other news, on my Story You Know I have been on a tear. I have written probably five or six pages in Aerial 10. Pretty good. It is now 19 pages long. I'll post it when it is edited more.

[The Piano Man]

http://www.jeskidsworld.com/v2/member_detail.asp?id=963

Go there to read my story, You Know

I think it is really well written. The problem is that it doesn't really have an advancing story, the plot is kind of an integral part of a book.

[The Piano Man]

So I have started the slow, gradual process of getting myself a more prominent/not as loser-like role in Breana's life. Right now I am that creppy kid who writes about her in his free time. But I can't just be like "HEY! I LIKE YOU!" Cause that would be stupid, after all the sh*t that has happend, it just wouldn't work.

I was reading over some of my old stuff, and Breana told me to "Drop dead", and that has to be the most I've ever hurt for something someone's said. She REALLY killed me that night. I remember it with frieghtening accuracy. I blindly sent her the link to my blog and she was hesitating, so I said "It doesn't say I want to f*ck you or anything." So she said "Scott... Drop dead." it hurt. Alot.

[The Piano Man]

I finally got caught up with the times. I just updated You Know to now. it was still in Term 3 of last year. The bad part of that is I don't have any more material. My life is the story, so I guess I gotta go make some story, eh?

[The Piano Man]

So I went over to my friend, Andrew's house last night. We were messing around on the internet, and he thinks it would be funny to search "Fat chicks gone wild" So he did. Then he types in "Girls gone wild" It was funny for a little, I guess. Then I got to asking him "Have you ever looked at porn?" He denied it, but I know that there is not a boy in this country over the age of 15 that hasn't looked at porn, or shot their goo.

I keep on asking, and I still get a "No." So he finally asks me if I have, I say blatantly sarcastially "No, of course not." He keeps asking me, and I finally give him a straight "Yes." I ask him again and says "Yes. But only once." Then dinner came, so I stopped prodding, but as soon as dinner had ceased, I was back on the hunt for answers.

My dad just walked in, and I don't want him to find me doing this, so I will continue this story at a later time.

[The Piano Man]

So his parents went outside to smoke, so it was me and him there. I asked him and finally got him to answer, he has masturbated, but hasn't looked at porn- only once on TV- and so he got all exited about looking at porn.

I wasn't planning on sleeping over, but I did because I was actually looking forward to looking at porn with another human being. So I called up my mom and told her not to pick me up.

His parents finally went to bed at about 10:30, and so he was so exited to look at the porn, we couldn't do anything else. So we did. I showed him the ropes, and we searched, and looked, and looked. We never masturbated though, which I do when I look at porn. We looked, and then we stopped. .
We watched Jingle All The Way them , after that

Seriously...

[The Piano Man]

I had a really cool dream the morning of August 31st, so I made sure when I got to school, first period, I would write it down. So here it is:

I was playing High School football as a Tight End, there was hardly any one in the stands. It was the last play of the game, I ran a post route and caught the ball for the touchdown and the win. My bald buddy on the team and I were talking, and I said to him "I'm so appy I finally get some playing time after all that work." He says "You never take a play off?" I replay with a resounding, "No."
Next Scene

Breana and I are having dinner, her sister is there too. I confess my love to her, but she is too horny and keeps squirming. I remember being really unfulfilled.
Next Scene

My posse and I are now in France, where we have an operation stealing mostly minor things. Something happens where we becom ethe most wanted people in France. Because of this, we flee to Eastern Europe. We chill there for a little, until lwe get word that the French Police were after us, so we go back to France. We enter htis two story suvenior shop, and the French Police are there, too.

We all split up and run around, avoiding the police in a Scooby-Doo type misses. I am almost free, I run down the steps and see daylight. I reach for the door handle and *SNATCH*, I was caught.

Fin

Really cool, but really wierd. The coolest part was the chase scene at the end. It was amazingly cool.

I have a LOT of dreams involving Cedar Point, Kennywood and Disneyworld. I'd go and say 40% of my dreams take place in amusement parks. That's a lot. But they are always SOOO COOL.
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Oh, I lied. Sorry. I don't have low self-confidence. I have a low self-image. Those two are different. I was thinking last night, I enjoy being me. Being Scott is fun. My thoughts entertain me. I am really looking forward to getting my thoughts when I lose my virginity. I like myself, I just believe other people don't.

I like me though, really.

I like to brag that I am in AP. One thing I am worried about with everything that has been going on, I will become a concieted a$$. A lot of stuff has gone right, some stuff has gone wrong, but mostly right.

I worry about being a concieted a$$ a lot. I make a concious effort to not be one.

Also when I walk out of AP, Breana and I usually talk. If I had something interesting, she might think I'm cool. Nothing ever exiting happens. What sucks is that there is probably going to always be this ackward wall almost between us.

Here is the track list to my new CD, New Downloads VII:

Runaround- Blues Traveler
I Touch Myself- Divinyles
No Rain- Blind Melon
Jayne Says- Jayne's Addiction
If You Steal My Sunshine- ???
Hanging By A Moment- Lifehouse
Lightning Crashes- Pearl Jam Cover
Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?- ???
Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight- R.E.M.

And some others that I can't tell you because my CD player is broken, and I forget them.

This is a long edit.

[The Piano Man]

I am probably smarter than all of my friends in a lot of subjects. Sports, history, English, and sometimes science. I however dumb myself down so they don't think I'm a nerd.

Am I the only one who pretends to be stupid?

I have one mutha of a sinus infection. The last time I woke up at nine O' Clock was yesterday; but before that it was probably a year, at least. The goddamn infection woke me up! The coughing and stuffed up nose, the general feel like crap.

Oh, our school is doing the play, Our Town, and for auditions, you have to read a monolouge. These are the ones I've picked out:

The Author's Voice by Richard Greenberg

Gene is a deformed "gnome" who has been taken in by a gorgeous and charming bachelor named Todd, on the condition that Gene will write, and Todd will pass of Gene's work as his own. Gene is forbidden to leave the apartment, and after he reveals to Todd that he has done so, Todd beats him until he runs away and hides in the closet. In this monologue, Todd is trying to apologize to Gene.

TODD:


My life isn't good. You think it is, but it's not. Once it was, but it's not anymore. I used to be made happy by... stupid things. Parties! People around me! I was vain. I was a peacock. I looked in the mirror so hard I didn't recognize myself. I didn't recognize anything. I forgot why I did things. I got scared, Gene! I got scared outside, I got scared in my room. I didn't know where I was half the time. I wanted to drown, I wanted to be covered over... Then I found you.

Make me famous, Gene. I want to be famous. People will photograph me and write about me. I'll study how they see me and live inside it... Fame will be a kind of home. But I need you to get it for me. Only they can't ever know it's you, they can't know it's you, if they ever see you, it will die...

It panics me when you leave and it panics me when you're here. You're the whole problem of my life, but without you I don't have any life at all. I'll give you what you want. I won't deny you anymore. Anything I can, I'll give you.
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Character: Todd
Gender: Male
Age (range): 16-19
Style: Comedy
Length: 1 minute


I used to hate black coffee; but let's face it, black coffee is manly. Do you think Clint Eastwood ever took "two sugars and a cream?" Of course not: Clint Eastwood was a man. And the girls love manliness. Once at a Denny's I encountered a waitress who would change me. Jenny: such a lovely girl. I had to show off my manliness (or at least act the part).
I ordered a Lumberjack Slam, extra ham, a piece of carrot cake, and of course, the clincher: black coffee. Unimpressed with this manliest of breakfasts -- which would have wowed most waiting-persons, Jenny tried to break me by bringing more and more coffee. Oh, I downed the breakfast before the rest of my family finished their three pancakes, mind you...but that coffee. I couldn't back down now. I'd come too far to chicken out.

She brought the check and with that topped me off: my eleventh cup. I tried to manage it down, but I was on my last leg long before....light bulb. Once no one was looking, I dumped my coffee in my grandmother's cup. Mock sipped it. Slammed it down and strode to the door--victorious. I take my coffee black for the same reason guys do anything: to impress women.

__________________________________________________ _________________________

Character: Thomas
Gender: Male
Age (range): Any Age
Style: Comedy
Length: 1 minute


I looked in the mirror the other day and a horrifying thought came to mind, "I'm fat." Now, this started to worry me some so I thought on it throughout the day and then I went to lunch. I was kind of depressed so I didn't eat much. Then a revelation hit me, "Oh no, thinking you're fat is the first sign of anorexia." I could be starving to death and not even know it.

Maybe that is why I can't get a date; I'm so scrawny I scare the ladies away. And then I continued to consider this and I thought, "Oh no, what if I really am fat?" I could be second away from a heart attack. Maybe the girls think I'm a disgusting blob and that is why I'm single. I couldn't ask anyone because either I'd find out I'm anorexic or huge. So I began to think of way solve this issue. Then I realized I must simply come to terms and look at the positives of one of these issues.

When I was young I was told I serve a big God. When I grew older I was told that the body is the temple of God's. So why not look at being fat as simply giving God more room. So I know I am on a daily quest to fight my battle with anorexia. This I promise will eat my way to victory. Please join me in the battle.

__________________________________________________ _________________________

MITTELDORF: He's writin' pages an' pages! An' them must be important things, I c'n tell you that. [Confidentially.] An' lemme tell you: there's somethin' in the air.--- I ain't sayin' I know exactly what. But there's somethin'---I know that as sure 's . . . You just look out, that's all, and you'll live to see it. It's goin' to come down -- somethin' -- and when it do -- look out. That's all I say. No, I don't pretend to understand them things. It's all new doin's to me. That's what they calls modern. An' I don't know nothin' about that. But somethin's got to happen. Things can't go on this way. The whole place is got to be cleaned out. I can't say 's I gets the hang of it. I'm too old. But talk about the justice what died. Why, he wasn't nothin' but a dam' fool to this one. I could go an' tell you all kinds o' things, but I ain't got no time. The baron'll be missin' me. [He goes but, having arrived at the door, he turns back.] The lightnin' is goin' to strike, Mrs. Wolff. Take my word for that!

I dunno what one I'm gonna do. I think the fat one.

[The Piano Man]

Dude, Bronchitis is fun!

I get to take all sorts of good pills, I don't get to eat or I'll throw up. It's fun!

[The Piano Man]

I'm having one of those moments when I want someone. I want a girlfriend, I want attention.

There was a kid who died in my school about two weeks ago. I didn't know him, but once he died, everyone in the school knew him. His Myspace got comments out the a*s, he gets R.I.P. next to his name now (its almost like an official title) and everyone knows him. So when they said his name on the announcements, I wondered what it would have been like if that was my name.

How many people would comment my Myspace? How many people would miss me? Would anyone make a memorial? Would people put R.I.P. after my name?

I want some sort of big thing to happen to me. If this Bronchitis went unnoticed, I could have had pnemounia. That would have qualified as big. I would maybe have people visit me if I was in the hospital.

I want to know who would make that special trip to the hospital, or to my funeral.

That's why I want to be hit by a car, and get knocked unconcious, so I wouldn't feel pain. No permanent damage, just some broken bones. That's all I want.

I don't want any self-inflicted thing, because along with the sympathy comes this whole thing of guilt. Guilt sucks.

If I would happen to die soon, if your reading this, tell Breana about it, if she doesn't already know. Thanks.

[The Piano Man]

Play auditions are in a few hours. I think I am gonna kick ass. I just hope I don't mess up the lines. I memorized it as well as you can in as little time I did. AHHH NERVOUS!

[The Piano Man]

Yeah, you're reading the blog of the new Constable Warren in the play "Our Town" for my high school. It's not a horrible role, I have eleven lines, it's just not a big role. "There are no small parts, only small actors!" But whatever.

I have more lines than my friends do, so go me! I thought I personally did okay at the auditions, but nothing special.

Not much else to say.

[The Piano Man]

Last night, I went to the fair with two other friends, Andrew and Brian. Andrew's dad drops us off at the entrace and we go on in. Almost as soon as we walk in to the fair, the crowds are there, and we can't really get around them, so Andrew says "Hey, let's go in here to avoid the crowd" Because going in there gave us a detour to the rides. So we walk in, down a couple of steps, and two guys are standing around, and they say "Hey", so we say "Hey".

Now, what he got from that conversation that gave him the impression that we want to get into this whole long thing, is beyond me. He asks us "Hey, you guys want a free bracelet?" Us being the stupid kids we are, "Sure!" He takes us to these three chairs, where I thought they were gonna tie the bracelet on our arms, and we would be on our way. WRONG!

We sit down and the man says "Here are these bracelets, I want you to wear them. I'll give you the actual bracelets though, after I tell you a little story. I think, "Oh, here we go." Still not recognizing the GIANT sign that says "Christian Farmers". He starts telling us what the beads on the bracelets mean, Gold for God, Black for sin, Red for Jesus' blood, White for something blocking us from getting into Heaven (I dunno if this is actually what it is, I was kind of tuning him out by this point) and Green means Heaven.

About 1/4 of the way through the talk, I take a step back and think, "I just arrived at the Frederick Fair, and we took a detour to beat the traffic, and we end up being preached to for 15 minutes over a bracelet. This is too funny!" Then, after I had that thought, for about a minute it took all I had not to burst out laughing. My buddy Andrew said my bottom lip was quivering.

We had to say a prayer, and I siad it, Andrew said it, Brian didn't say it. So we get done, we get two bracelets, a brochure, and a book.

But the worst part of the whole thing was that they man kept staring at ME! If you broke it down into percent of the time we three were stared at, it would go a little something like this:

Scott- 97%
Andrew- 3%
Brian- .01%

My friends agreed that he stared only at me, so I am not exaggerating. But this was one of the funniest things that has ever happend to me. When we went on scary ries, we shouted "The Power of Christ compells you!" And we held up our books and were preaching. General hooligan-like behavior.

[The Piano Man]

So I recently discovered the band Blue October. Their song Into the Ocean is my current favorite song, however, it isn't their biggest hit. This is:

Hate Me By Blue October

(Verse 1)
I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face
And will you never try to reach me, it is I that wanted space

(Chorus)
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

(Verse 2)
I'm sober now for 3 whole months, it's one accomplishment that you helped me with.
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again.
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicide or hate.
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so ****ing far away that I'll never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind (This is the part that had the most effect on me.)
(Chorus)
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

(Verse 3)
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I have made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"

(Chorus)
Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things i didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you.

_________________

So I was listening to this song one night, alone. Not a good idea. I was really listening to the lyrics, and it is kind of my story, except I thought "Breana never made me compliment myself. Come to think of it, she hasn't done much for me at all. God, what am I getting out of this relationship? This girl who doesn't even consider me a good friend knows more about me then everyone else in the WORLD combined. No exaggeration.

Then I thought "No, a$$hole, she is the greatest thing in your life. Shut up, she doesn't make mistakes." THen I think, "No, what? What has she done for you?"

Then I get pissed at myself for thinking these thoughts about her, again. Then I think, "I need to get out of this relationship. She could drive me to suicide if I never have anything given back to me." Then I think "No, dumba$$. You're way too normal to do that. Your too boring."

Then I wake up the next morning, thinking "Haha! Stupid idiot. You're so over dramatic." But it did get me thinking, obviously.

Today in AP, Breana told me that she was getting a book out of her bookshelf, and she saw there was a note in the book, and she opened the note, and immediatly recognized the handwriting: Mine. Uh-Oh. I told her "Oh man, that's not good." However, I want to know what it says. Hell, this could even give me an opportunity to clear some air between us, however it could also make it a lot more ackward between us, as if more ackwardness is needed.

AHHHH! I Want her to know about this blog so bad. She probably already does. But whatever.

Play rehearal started, and I have 15 lines! The most of all the Sophomores! I am worried I am being a stuck-up snob, though. I make a concious effort to be nice and not be a jerk-off. But like the play says "It is impossible to not have a fault creep into a persons character" So, whatever.

But seriously, I was really going back and forth sunday night.

[The Piano Man]

So I was gonna wait to update this until I had a BIG suprise, but the suprise has been delayed indefinetly. However, I will have it eventually.

In other news, I'm thinking of asking two girls to Homecoming. Not both at once. More later!

[The Piano Man]

So about asking those girls, one is named Kat, and the other is Amy. Both I think I have a relatively good shot at, but with Kat I think I have a better shot of her saying "Yes" But it would be more awkward than if I went with Amy. On the other hand, I have less of a shot with Amy, but we would have more things to talk about.

Amy is the one that wrote "I love you" on all my stuff, though. I dunno.

I also dont know if I am ready for all the sh*t that accompanies a homecoming date. Like dinner, after, during, before. Like the picking her up, just everything about it. Dunno if I'm ready.

Also, Kat is better looking. Not that I am in a position to judge, BUT I shall keep it in mind.

Any suggestions as to who I should ask?

[The Piano Man]

So in English today, we had to write a story with the theme of "Journey" So here's mine:

Lou
There once was a man named Lou; Lou was a simple fellow, things easily amused him. However, gradually, Lou became harder and harder to amuse; so much so, that he began to dislike the world. People in the town in which Lou lived, people who onced loved Lou's plafulness and child-like demeaner, now avoided him, he was a downer. Because Lou was bored, he became thoughtful, and because people avoided him, Lou became very lonely. Thoughtfull, lonely people don't mix. Bad things can happen. However, Lou enjoyes his life, so he wouldn't do anything drastic.

After a month of lonelyness, he thought "What's become of me?" So he went to see a shrink. The shrink told him that he is on a quest for self-fulfillment. Lou immediatly thought this guy was full of sh*t, so he left without even paying for the session. He headed home, but on his way, he saw an advertisement to go live on Mars. He thought "Stuff sucks here. I'm gonna go live on Mars. That should be entertaining enough, right?" He now lives happily on Mars. He even got a puppy.
__________________________________________________ ______________

I wish life came with a reset button. If it did, I would commit suicide, see the fallout, see who came to my funeral, then *BEEP* I would reset it all.

Oh and I think Amy is in the front running for who I should ask to the dance. It kept me up last night for over a half-hour, at midnight.

[The Piano Man]

So I had a long talk with this kid who I've become good friends with. We talked and talked. We talked mostly about his girl issues, how he misses his ex, and how they never talk. Then we talk about my girl problems, of which their are plenty.

We talked first about how you need confidence to get a girl, along with a sense of humor and you need to be nice. Then, I kind of blurted out about Breana, how she "shut me down" twice, and how I still like her, and I alluded to the fact that she killed my confidence; my exact words were "She shut me down in 8th grade, and I am still recovering." Which is true. Except the recovery period started near the end of last year, the whole in between time was ALL greiving the loss of my confidence.

He said "Well, your an actor. Just create a character, one with confidence." That is actually very solid advice. Whether I will follow through, is a whole nother can o' worms. He eventually convinced me to call Amy tomorrow, and just ask her. So I shall. Hopefully.

Something is wierd about my mindset. Usually I would be upset that Yankees lost 6-0 to the Tigers tonight. But I'm not. I watched maybe the total of an inning. And I'm not feeling anything for Breana now.

[The Piano Man]

So... I gathered up all the balls I could muster, and called Amy today. "Hello. This is Scott. Can I talk to Amy?"

"She is at a band competition. She'll be gone the whole day."

"Oh, okay. Thanks anyway."

Oh well. I'll try tomorrow, if my parents arent at my house.

[The Piano Man]

So Breana IMed me earlier tonight. Here's what transpired-

(Once again, the lines with just the time are her IM's. The bold is what is talked about below. There was more, but this is the important part I wanted to highlight.)

Scooter28t [9:03 P.M.]: you know whats funny? we used to talk for like ever and now we dont have like anything to talk about
[9:03 P.M.]: lol
[9:04 P.M.]: well i dont know i mean u have grown father apart from mem
[9:04 P.M.]: so i guess that it
Scooter28t [9:04 P.M.]: yeah
Scooter28t [9:04 P.M.]: even though we have a class together for the first time since like 7th grade
[9:05 P.M.]: lol yea
[9:05 P.M.]: well i mean maybe we dont let eachotherin as much
Scooter28t [9:05 P.M.]: yeah i guess
Scooter28t [9:05 P.M.]: but you still know more about me than like everyone else combined
[9:06 P.M.]: yea well u know alot about me
[9:06 P.M.]: too
Scooter28t [9:07 P.M.]: yeah
Scooter28t [9:07 P.M.]: but you know alot more about me
Scooter28t [9:07 P.M.]: some things i told you... some i accidentally told you
[9:08 P.M.]: lol well its all good
[9:08 P.M.]: it doesnt matter
Scooter28t [9:09 P.M.]: i guess...
Scooter28t [9:09 P.M.]: its wierd how much you change
Scooter28t [9:09 P.M.]: (me)
[9:10 P.M.]: lol how so
Scooter28t [9:10 P.M.]: well at first i was all like "haha. i am a nieve little 7th grader. nothin has gone wrong"
Scooter28t [9:11 P.M.]: then i was like "haha. i am a stupid 8th grader that makes mistakes. ive done alot of stupid things"
[9:11 P.M.]: k
Scooter28t [9:11 P.M.]: next i was like"haha, i was kinda stupid back then. i still make stupid mistakes"
Scooter28t [9:12 P.M.]: now i am like "haha. i was stupid for like ever. and ruined stuff."

That really sums it up. Notice how I alluded to the fact that I knew she knows about this, now infamous, blog. I feel like I really am moving on, though. My heart gave it a go during the summer, and nothing was there. I think I may be moving on. I, of course, thought this about a year ago. Obviously it wasnt true.

This really may be a turning point in the saga that is my life. Who knows though? This is an interesting ride, anyway.

[The Piano Man]

Last night was a revolution for me. Breana told me who she was going with to homecoming, a kid named Josh, and when she says his name, it doesn't immediately ring a bell, so I dismiss it. After she has to go, I wrote up my last entry, and not ten minutes later "HOLY SH*T, JOSH! If its who I think it is, this is gonna be very interesting."

I check it out in my yearbook, and sure enough, there he is. He is af riend of mine, who is in my group all the time in English. Sh*t. At first, I am mad, but then I tell myself "Shut the f*ck up, your not mad. Your just making drama."

THen I thought "I gotta make a decision, should I let the friendship continue on its inevitable, slow death? Or should I become proactive? I decide I am gonna work out and really make a move to atleast save the friendship. Then as i am writing the second paragraoh, the visual of him dancing with Breana pisses me off. "What the hell does he have that I don't? I am better looking, and we have TONS more history together! F*ck him!" Then I think "How could you be so stupid? How could you lose such a great girl?

I thought and I dont know if I said this, but if I had to do this ordeal with Breana over, I dont know if I would do much over. But now, yeah, I would do ALOT of things different. I want her to be mine.

The saying "We want what we cannot have" couldn't apply more to my whole life, but more specifically this situation of how I now what her badly. That image of her dancing with Josh just makes me sad, and angry at myself. But then I see just her, and it makes me happy, seeing how beautiful she is, dancing with me. (God that sounds creepy.)

I just thought to myself, "Why wont she love me?" At this point, this is where the insane think "If I cant have her, nobody will!" But I am too cynical toward myself to do anything like that. (Yes, I know this sounds creepy too)

I dont want to forget to include this, so here is the start of it. Why is it in school, that it is "nerdy" to be smart, and "cool" to be stupid?

[The Piano Man]

Last night I was up 'till 11:30 thinking, thinking about if I had a terminal illness, would I want to know about it?

I remembered in the summer, I came across this little bump in the bottom of my jaw, and I thoght it was a tumor, but it probably isn't, and last nihgt, I felt to see if it was still there, and it was. Then I thought "What if it is a tumor? Do I want to go to the doctors and find out it is too far gone and I only have 2 months to live?

Then I was thinking, I dont really know if I would want to know if I was terminal. It was such a toss-up, I had to break it down further; by length of life left. I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't want to know that I was going to die in two months, they would be pure paranoia.

However, if I had two years to live, I may want to find out. In two months, you can't do what you would want to do. But with two years, I think if I quit school, I could do a bunch of the stuff I would love to do.

What are your guys' thoughts on it? It is certainly a thought-povoking question. Also, if you were terminal and had two years to live, what would you do with yourself? Kill yourself? What activities would you do? I am going to have to ponder this.

[The Piano Man]

I havent updated in a while. I've wanted to, and had reasons to, but I haven't.

I have come to realize I use this blog as a crutch, an emotional outlet to channel all the sh*t that happens throughout life.

My Italian grade is a D. 69%. Damn. My parents have been on my about that ALOT. I don't care though. Them attacking me isn't gonna help me get it back up.

Now on to the meat of this update.

Between my last update things have happend; Homecoming, my birthday party, a new lady friend, a different lady friend, and other stuff.

HOMECOMING-

So... I will eventually post a picture of myself all tricked out, if you will, but not now. I didn't ask anyone, so I went with Tyler and Andrew. They didn't have dates either. Thank GOD I wasn't alone there. That is something that would happen to me, me be the ONLY one of my friends without a date. Can you say AWKWARD?

So I chilled with them, and Andy, Anthony, his girlfriend, Danny and Mike. You don't know most, if not all of these people. And I don't really wanna take the time to introduce you to them.

But it was a BLAST. I had sooo much fun.

NEW LADY FRIEND-

There is this girl, Jojo is her nickname, who rides my bus. Anthony is friends with her, and I guess Andy somewhat too. Her and I don't talk that much, what with my CD player and thoughts.

But at the homecoming football game, Andy and Anthony had dates, and Tyler didnt go, and that girl, Jojo came over and she wasn't in the circle that always gets created when more than three people of our ilk get together. I usually get forced out of the circle, however. She was too. So I got to talking, and we hit it off. But I bet you can guess I wasn't ready to show my full personality while with her.

However, when I am with my friends, my inhibitons are drastically lowered, and my "show off and get attention" switch is turned on. So we hit it off, and it was great.

See, this sounds great right? But it isn't. This creates expectations, expectations create pressure, pressure creates me pressing, me pressing means awkwardness, awkwardness equals dead friendship. Its so mathematical.

So she sits next to me on the bus, expectations high, and I fail. She sits next to me the next day, I do okay, but a failure nontheless, and the third day I fail. I did average mostly, but I wasn't happy with my performance.

Oh well. She is single, so look for more updates surrounding this topic.

And I think my friendship with Breana is dying. I really need to talk to her though. I am having a tough time, and I don't even know why, or what I need to talk about, but I know I need to talk.

BIRTHDAY PARTY- My friend broke my Xbox 360 and put three holes in my wall.

[The Piano Man]

Incase you didn't realize, I edited more into my last update.

First, let me say that Sting is one of the greatest musicians ever. Fields of Gold is one of the best songs ever. Period. My friends make fun of my for listening to him, saying he is "gay". No, he makes great songs. That's all.

Second, I still haven't talked to Breana. On a side note, when I typed the word "talked" I accidentally put a 's' infront of it. Haha. But I really want to talk to Breana, or I promise you this friendship will die. It already is pretty close to death. Oh well.

I love how I make a mountain out of a mole hill privately in just about everything, as shown in this blog, but publically, everything is hunky-dory.

I wonder what people say about me, privately? I am gonna guess its something like this "Hey, that Scott kid is quite. He is pretty wierd." Then it ends. I don't know if I like it that way. It certainly lends itself nicely to my wanting to be invisible, but am I too invisible? Damn.

I feel like I am on auto-pilot physically, but mentally I am bustling with thoughts and emotions.

Music is the only cure for all these thoughts, and Soundgardens "Black Hole SUn" is working wonders. God that is an amazing song.

[The Piano Man]

So, the reason there hasn't been an update in a while is because I have had play practice and I am exhausted. We started yesterday staying until 8:30 PM weekday. So don't expect an update for a while.

Oh, and if your in McAllen, TX, my Xbox 360 is down your way. First left where I am, then to New Stanton, PA. Then Maumee, OH, then Hodgekins, IN, then ALL the way down to Houston, TX and finally in McAllen, TX.

It was signed for delivery by Castillo!

[The Piano Man]

You know, Dave Matthews is pretty good, but when you're in the right mood, no one hits the spot better than a little DMB. The beginning to "Satellite" on the CD version is one of the most beautiful pieces of music to ever be written in my opinion.

So I went to the football game saturday, and it was officially as cold as hell. Breana was there with her little posse, and they came over and stood with us, but I was there with my little p*ssy, so I didn't really talk to her. However, I managed a few things to make her laugh. Then she snuck up behined me and covered my eyes and said "Guess who" I thought it was her, but I wasn't sure, and I didn't really want to embarrase myself and say "Breana" and it be someone else.

So I said "I dunno."
She repeated "Guess who"
I repeated "I dunno."
Then she lifted her hands and when I found out it was her she has a happy look on her face.

I am a loser. I remember this all like it just happend. I do realize I am obsessed, but I was much worse earlier in my life. I am getting better, but notice the note I recently put up at the beginning of the first post of this blog.

I'm gonna see Borat tomorrow!
______________________________
Edit:

So I went ot the Theatre/Acting forum after I wrote that entry, and it asked if you want a career in acting, and I think my response would be fitting here too.

I dunno... I want to be an actor, but my friends who are in the play in High School with me are Seniors and they were talking, and saying how they wouldn't like the fact you wouldn't know when your next paycheck would be, and you would have to just wait tables for the rest of your life. I dont want to do that, so I am afraid it will become a hobby of mine. But I am going to keep with it, I know that much. And before I travel too far down life's road, I am going to give acting everything I have, because I think, and I have been told by my teachers I have real talent and to see how far I can take this thing.

[The Piano Man]

So I want to tell this story before I forget it.

I was at play practice about a week ago, and before that, we always went to the bathroom in the girls dressing room because the guys one was usually locked. So, I walk in to the bathroom, nobody in the dressing room.

I am almost done peeing when I hear a girl talking and laughing. "No big deal, I'll just walk out and its cool." I think. Until I hear about 3 seconds later a whole wave of girls come in.

Then I hear someone say loudly "As long as that person in the bathroom is a girl" So at this point I am like "Sh*t. What do I do?" So I say "Ummm... No" And then all the girls are like hahahahaha. So now I am REALLY embarrassed. I made it out alive.

They were all changing into their costumes. Whoops.

And Breana read Catcher In the Rye, and said it's writing style was similar to mine.

I don't know if i am gonna put myself through this sh*t for the musical where I am not gonna have a big part. THis is INCREDIBLY stressful on mind, body and spirit. I am going crazy. We have the middle schoolers coming tomorrow. Kick ass. My 8th grade Drama teachers are gonna be there. It's like coming full circle for me because their the reason I am even there.

Opening night is Thursday. AHHH. I HATE GOING TO PITTSBURGH. I WILL HAVE NO REST. WE HAVE A FOUR DAY WEEK FOR THANKSGIVING, AND I WILL GET ONE DAY! ONE!

[The Piano Man]

I think I am going to go F*cking insane. It's too much for me. I can only handle so much. I need my time to contemplate and all that stuff.

I don't want to die. There is this like big "lump" under my skin above my buttcrack, and either I have cancer of the ass, or I just got a big lump on the top of my ass. It hurts though, and its been hurting mroe and more. And I think it may be getting bigger. Can you get cancer of the ass? I don't think you can.

GODDAMN! I need to talk to someone, and that person is Breana. I need to talk to her like now. I need to talk to someone about this, or I might explode. But with these hours, staying late at rehearsal, I can't. I am an emotional, physical and mental wreck.

I hate Italian. The launguage. I cannot do foreign languages. You wanna know why? It's like F*cking math. F*ck math.

[The Piano Man]

So I just took a 40 minute walk in the rain. It was nice and relaxing. I was listening to my In Time: The Best of R.E.M. 1988-2003. It was just what Doc Gibbs ordered. (I'm in the play "Our Town")

Last night, at 10:00, I was heading up to bed, and I was halfway up the stairs and I came back down. I e-mailed Breana this:

Hey

I don't really know why I am e-mailing you to tell you this but I am like going insane. I am gonna go crazy, it's too much. Thank God its almost over, the play. But I think I am gonna die. Its just stress on stress on stress. With grades, and the play, and my now nonexistent social life. And then I get emotions, and thoughts, and just all this ****.

The emotions, on top of it all is killing me the most. I don't have time to myself, to think. When I think, I work things out in my head, and it becomes more clear to me. But now, I don't have time to think, and I am an idiot.

And then, on Monday, we have to strike the set (clean it up) along with Tuesday. So on Wednesday, my parents are letting me stay home! But then on Thursday I get to waste my weekend away by going to Pittsburgh. I dont wanna go.

Its funny. All these like good things are happening to me, I met someone cool, I became closer to another person, funny stories, all this stuff and I don't appreciate it. I just wanna be done with the play. But I don't have time to think about it all, so I can't do anything or feel better about it. Plus there is this other thing that may or may not be really bad.

So all this **** is coming together at once! Not to mention, I have decided apparently, that I am never gonna talk to you again. Why is it that the farther away we get from the awkwardness of me asking you out, the more awkward it becomes? For me anyway. I know its me. My fault.

-Scott

[The Piano Man]

So... Opening night was last night. It went really well, undil I had my big part in the third act. I am a palbearer, and I go off, then I have to go around the stage to enter and say "Been rescuin' a party down by Polish town thar. Got drunk and lay out in the snowdrifts. Thought he was in bed when I shook 'em." I am not too good at that line, so I went in the back and ran it with this girl, and all of a sudden I hear milk jugs jangling.

It was Howie Newsome on stage. The man who enters with me. Sh*t. I missed my cuew. But it was alright because I went on and Howie made a great recovery. Truly a great job.

I am tired as hell. But other than that, and it wasnt noticeable to the audience, we killed. I do feel bad for Emily Webb though, because she is high-strung and this will make her a little more. Oh well. Edit tomorrow to say how it went tonight.

[The Piano Man]

There has been a lot of sh*t that has happend since I last updated. I basically went crazy. I am really mixed up, and don't know what to think or what to do, or what I want. This play has really screwed me up in more ways than one, HOWEVER, it has given me and Breana a reason for talking again, which is always a good thing.

I will update this more some other time, because I don't have time right now, and I don't feel like going down and getting all those e-mails and posting them. But there is some sh*t going down.

[The Piano Man]

"Scotty, you're... big!" That's what my mom said when I got weighed at the doctors. My mom called me fat. Thanks mom.

I am gonna have a big ass update soon, I promise. It's just, I need time to unwind form the play, and I bought Sid Meier's Civilization III, and it is addicting. I've never played a game like that, so it is fun.

Today was actually a good day. Not a typical good day, but a good day nonetheless. First off, I have strep throat, but I couldn't miss school because I have missed too much already. So that had me in a tired, pissed mood. Then I am already exhausted from just all the sh*t that has been happening. (Details coming soon)

So in English class, we are reading Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson, and then you and five other people get up in the front of the class, and they fire questions, and rebuttles at you. My panel group went yesterday, so I mailed in a performance today. Except for one part. One of the hottest girls in school, Joy, said that Emerson wouldn't appreciate actors because they rely on other people and all this other stuff, and implied that actors have no skill or brains.

I am an actor.

This pissed me off. But I wasn't pissed enough to raise my hand. I was sick enough NOT to raise my hand. So I didn't. And I let her get away with an asanine thing like that. So then at lunch this little punk ******* gets out a little Ziploc bag full of wheaties and crushes them up and says he is gonna throw them. At first I was too tired to say anything, but then I just decided "Screw it, I'm goin for it." So I went on a big rant that went a little something like dis:

"Dood, aw hell yeah! You gonna throw that sh*t? F*ck those janitors! They get paid good money anway. Awww snap! Oh, dude, check it, you gonna get in your car on da weekend, and you are gonna get a big a*s bag of Wheaties, bring it to lunch and we gonna have hella fun! Yo dat junk would be tight. Cause, you know, throwing crushed up cereal, punishing janitors who are just trying to do their job is cool right?" He shakes his head no. "Yo dawg, you be trippin'. Dats da definition of 'coo'" He kind of laughs uneasily.

F*ck him.

And then I was watching Trading Spouses, where an Agnostic woman goes into a Christian house, and vice versa. Suprise! The Agnostic people were completely understanding, and didn't push their views on the other family. the Christians, especially Grandma Joyce, talked down to the Agnostic mom. They were very rude and condesending. This isn't a jab at all Christians, as almost everyone I know is one. BUT the hardcore ones are usually condesending about religion, or at least the ones I have met.

I am officially Agnostic. I don't think its my place to say one religion is right or wrong, not to mention if there is some afterlife, or higher power, its probably a combination of a lot of religions, not just one.

So that's all good. Not to mention, we got new seats in AP World, and Breana sits kind of near me.

Oh and my grades are B, B, F, F. YAY! I was failing all my classes, because I had a bunch of missing work. But I am working on it.

So I wrote a pretty long edit last night, and the site decided it didn't want ot let me submit it. Whatever. Here is the gist of what I said.

I am pretty confused, confused about a lot of things. I am confused about Breana, whether I like Breana, if Breana wants help, if I want help, my parents, my love life, if I have a love life, what I want for Christmas, whether I am agnostic, whether I want to officially declare myself Agnostic, whether I want to declare myself anything, my medicine, how Third Eye Blind is so FREAKING GOOD, whether I like Emily, whether I even care about religion, my grades, my teacher, my orginaztion skills, and a bunch of other sh*t.

I have been confused about Breana for around this whole year. 8th grade, the second time I got denied, I think was the last time I was still my self. 9th grade I was getting over her, then getting back to liking her, then I became confused. This then began the analysis period. This took me through the summer. I think I may be ending the analysis period, and begining the post-analysis or moving on. I think I am serious about moving on.

However, I do want to explain how I feel about moving on, and why I can't/couldn't for such a long time, and I couldn't articulate it quite right. However, I think I can finally explain why I am having issues with it. Its because I don't like change. I would like to move on, to other girls, but I am comfortable with this girl, I know what she is going to say, I know I have no chance with her, and its all good because its something that I have known and am comfortable with. It is sad, I know. But it is a comfortable sad, and that has been okay, but eventually, you force yourself to move on, and I think that this is that time. There is this girl, Emily, and she is really cool. I like her, but I don't know if I "like her like her", or if it is just me wanting to move on. Also, every girl I will like until someone sweeps me off my feet, much like Breana did, will be compared to Breana and fail.

Another thing I realized is that I use this blog as a crutch way too much. I cannot rely on this thing for everything, because sometimes I wont be able to write in this, like during the play, and I was screwed then because I couldn't really function. Maybe it was because it was a stressful time, and that was a time when a lot of sh*t decided to go down, but I could have hit it in stride if I had this thing. On the outside I was fine, but the inside, I was, as my English teacher would say "A kite caught in a hurricane". I was all over the place emotionally and I couldn't really think things out. I am gonna have that big update on all the events, but I need to just talk to someone or something, and this is the only thing. I need more than Breana to talk to about these things. Maybe I could get Andrew, but I dunno. He is the only one of my friends who I would feel comfortable telling this to. Andy I couldn't, I dont know why, but I couldn't, and Tyler I couldnt tell at all. Hell, he doesn't even know I got denied twice, or that I liked Breana.

Yeah that Emily girl is cool, but I really don't know if she is a "go out with" friend, or a "friend" friend. Oh well.

Oh and I am on that medicine Accutaine or however you spell it and so I could become depressed. Oh well.

Oh I also decided I need a thyrapist. Not because I think I am crazy, its just I need someone I can talk to, and the person will talk back. Breana works, but only so far. A lot of my problems have her in there somewhere, and I don't want to talk to her about them, so a thyrapist would work well. Besides I want someone who knows what their talking about.

I think I can diagnose myself pretty well, or at least see why I am thinking that way, but next year I am taking AP Psychology and so I hope that I take a shine to that and I can really like it, and I can diagnose myself. And maybe it can be my career, who knows?

[The Piano Man]

I edited the above entry a few days ago, by the way, so read it if you havent' already. This entry kind of builds off of that one.

So there is this girl, Amy, whom I have mentioned a few times before about asking her to Homecoming, and probably a few times in the spring of earlier this year.

So she just got out of a bad relationship a few weeks ago, and she, In my opinion, is lookin' for some rebound action. She has a Myspace, and I just found it about a month ago, and we haven't talked since English class of last spring, so we caught up, and commented eachother alot.

But now, she writes comments like SCOTT IS THE COOLEST KID EVER, and when she gave me that comment, her Myspace name was Amy[Thinks your the coolest kid ever], and she gave me other comments. I think she likes me. You can get the link to my Myspace page somewhere on here, but here it is again, www.myspace.com/aweisman

And so now I think she likes me. Hell, she gave a teddy bear name. I am the top guy in her top 24 or whatever it is, and her headline seems to be dedicated to me. Am I just being self-centered here? Or what?

And am I am *sshole for thinking I might ask her out, even if I don't really like her, and just "use her" for confidence? I am thinking that is a pretty mean thing to do. And I dont wanna risk the freindship over it.

Also, with all the sh*t going on right now, I don't know if I can handle that. I don't know...

[The Piano Man]

So I want to make a movie. I was watching videos on YouTube, and I realized, I could make a video with music. So thats what I am gonna do, but I am going to be a little more ambitious with the video.

I want to do a story of a boy who just moved into a new neighborhood, but is pretty innocent. He is a 9th grader. He is a wierd boy though, and he discovers bullies quickly. Since this is a new neighborhood he doesn't have a built-in safety-net, AKA freinds. He is basically screwed.

He then developes a sadness to this, and he tries to be like the others, to make sure he doesnt get bullied, but he fails.

Then he finally says screw this, and he and the bullies basically throw down.

We could have, if we were feeling freaky, have the boy become a hardend street fighter, and have the cops chase him.

The story will not have much dialogue, similar to a musical. The action in the main scenes is going to be represented by music.

Stars off with David Bowie- Space Oddity

Ground Control to Major Tom
Ground Control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on
Ground Control to Major Tom
Commencing countdown, engines on
Check ignition and may God's love be with you
(spoken)
Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Liftoff
This is Ground Control to Major Tom
You've really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare
"This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today
For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do
Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles
I'm feeling very still
And I think my spaceship knows which way to go
Tell my wife I love her very much she knows"
Ground Control to Major Tom
Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you hear me, Major Tom?
Can you....
"Here am I floating round my tin can
Far above the Moon
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do

Middle- Linkin Park: Numb

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
Every step I take is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)

I’ve become so numb I cant feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’ve becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Cant you see that you’re smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(caught in the undertone just caught in the undertone)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I’ve become so numb I cant feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’ve becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb I cant feel you there
I’ve become so tired so much more aware
I’ve becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb I cant feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb I cant feel you there
Is everything what you want me to be

Ends with- Tom Petty: I won’t back down.

Well I wont back down, no I wont back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I wont back down

Gonna stand my ground, wont be turned around
And Ill keep this world from draggin’ me down
Gonna stand my ground and I wont back down

Hey baby, there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I wont back down.

Well I know what’s right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around
But Ill stand my ground and I wont back down

Hey baby there ain’t no easy way out
Hey I will stand my ground
And I wont back down
No, I wont back down

Hell Yeah!

[The Piano Man]

That update I have been promising... Is not here. However, here is a little clip of what it is about.

Hey

I am turning into a Scrooge. The past Christmas and this one I have as about as much Christmas spirit as my couch. The past couple Christmas's have been sh*t. One my father spent the holiday in rehab, one we were supposed to go to New York, but the fighting was too bad. This one, the Christmas is going to be sh*t... again. F*ck presents, if I could have my parents not be a*sholes to eachother, that'd be awefully nice. I'm not even kidding, this is getting rediculous. I think it is so that after I graduate, my parents, and my sanity along with it, is out the door. Both my parents are at fault, but they are humans. However, they dont have to be a*sholes to eachother. My poor sister is getting to the age where she realizes what is going on. I suffered through it, it got me alot, and I was an 11 year old boy. She is a five year old girl. I can only imagine what is going on with her. Even though it would probably be for the best if they got separated, because it would have the yelling and fighting, the thought of not having a home is too horrible for me to bear. I just couldn't bear the fact that one of the two most important people in my life wont be where I am. My mom kicked my dad out a couple years back for about a month. I'll be honest, it didn't kill me. I knew it wasn't permanent, and it was only for a certain amount of time. But if/when they get a divorce, the hope is gone. My mom has been sick for three and a half weeks. She refuses to go to a doctor, and now my dad feels kinda crappy. They have already been killing eachother, but tonight is garbage night, and my mom got pissed, and put the recycling bins and garbage cans ontop of my dads car. She scratched to hell and back. My dad keeps his cool when my mom is yelling at him, but that isnt to say he doesnt deserve it. My mom just gets so frustrated, she does really immature things.

Oh well. I will just be like all those other kids who have broken homes. Sweet!

Seriously, you can see this is like messing with me. That time my mom threw my dad outta the house, it was seventh grade. I got a D in english. I got horrible grades. I cannot afford those grades. Also I dont want my sister to endure the same **** i did. It was rough on me. She still is all cute, and she doesnt let on if it getting to her, I know she notices it. She is singing "WHeels on the bus" right now, as I write this. I dont even know any more Breana. I really dont know. I just want it to stop you know? I am sure you remember what it was like when your parents separated. Its hard on a kid when those two people are the two people who are the most important people in your life. The all of a sudden are basically gone. Screw that.

And I wouldnt have any respect for a step parent. I dont see how kids do that. Andrew Michaels calls his step dad Mr. Ray. Screw that. I cannot handle that. I would like to think I can handle alot of things. However, this is not one of those. I dont know why I am telling you this, I just gotta tell somebody and you are the only person I trust anymore. Why the hell that is, I dont know. Why I trust you when I met you in seventh grade more than I do life long friends is something I dont know. If I had to guess, its attention. But wahtever. I just gotta tell someone. Someone who knows what this is like.

- Scrooge

[The Piano Man]

I don't care what people say, that song by Vanessa Carlton 1000 Miles is one of my favorite songs of all time. I remember when that came out, that and Superman by Five for Fighting and Follow Me by Uncle Kracker in 2001 during the time of September 11th. Truly great.

I love it how some songs just get me in the mood to write in my blog, and 1000 miles is one of those songs, but the best writing song I've encountered is Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.

So here is my year in review. 2006... sucked. There have been good days, there have been days where I have questioned why I get up to go through the same monotonous sh*t every day. What is the point? God didn't put us here just to have us do stupid things. Aw hell I dunno. If you wanna see how I felt about 2006, you can get the gist of it by reading the past entries, but my feeling to the year has been negative. For some reason, the last time I felt like I had a good year was 2003. I felt confortable with 2003, dont know why, but it was a good year. Something about the physical number I think.

This is gonna sound retarted, but I think because the curves in the number make it seem more inviting, unlike the rigidness of the number four, or five. I dunno, I just wish it was still 2003.

What the hell did I accomplish this year? Nothing really. Got REALLY into music, but thats about it. Infact, I may have gone backwards. When I was denied, I went into a shell. I was starting to really make progress in coming out, but thanks to me being a dumbass, I'm sitting uncomfortably in my shell.

Honest to God. I am really looking for a purpose here. I could use religion, but that kind of BS doesn't really get to me. I dont think God would put us here to worship him. Thats just self-centered and egotistical. A person can go crazy with these kind of thoughts. I need someone. Anyone. Soon.

Most of my friends who are big on music are against new stuff. There are some really good songs and bands. Everything that isnt classic Rock is horrible apparently. I think Coldplay, R.E.M., Green Day, Chili Peppers, Third Eye Blind, Foo Fighters and countless others would have some objection.

Breana still hasnt gotten back to me. I think any hope is dead there, huh? And I know its my fault, I realize that. But I am also sick of blaming things on myself. Being a carpet. Not having balls. Not having a personality. Being a loser.

I need a computer that would write down whatever I told it to, like that thing that George Jetson's daughter had. I get thoughts all throughout the day that I wanna put in here, but I forget them.

But seriously, 2006 wasn't the best year I've ever had. HOWEVER, its going too fast. I wanna just sit down and take a f*cking break. This is exhausting constantly going. But I am mostly scared about something I realized today. I am almost HALF WAY through my High School education. Couple of days ago, I started 9th grade. What the hell?

I don't wanna be almost done with High School. I dont wanna not rely completely on my parents. I am not ready for life on my own.

I just sent Breana an e-mail. This is partly to convey my current emotions, and part to get her to answer my last e-mail. But here it is. It basically sums up what I have been saying.

Hey

I realized today we are almost half way through our High School careers. We are almost in college. Do you feel in the least bit ready for life relatively on your own? I sure as hell can't picture myself in 3 years living in a different state as my parents. Holy crap. Im gonna go nuts. I have all these thoughts swirling around, all these worries, and all these questions and need for answers to questions that bothered me so (Line in a Jimmy Buffet song. I couldn't resist.) But seriously. like life is so boring. I get up, go to school and am exhausted all afternoon and night. Get up and do it again. I know I could change it, but not that much. It is going to be pretty much the same all my life and whats the point? That is something I do not want to have to do. I have been doing this for 10 years, and I am already worn down. I cant keep doing this. I guess we cant change this pattern but the pattern sucks. I wish I was unique or had some unique talent. Tht would be cool. If I could sing, I'd be in a bamd. If I could act, I would be an actor. I am so much like my dad. He hates this pattern too. Uhg. Its tedious enough to drive someone up the friggin wall. Like seeing Rocky Balboa last night was so sweet for a couple reasons. One was that it bucked the curve. I hate the curve. And Rocky 1 has a line in it where Rocky is trying to go out with this girl who is really shy on Thanksgiving. Rocky proposes they go out and go skating and get a bite to eat. The girl says "But its Thanksgiving." Rocky says "No. To you its Thanksgiving. To me, its a Thursday." That