Dean
October 22nd, 2006, 01:35 PM
PWWInsider 3
The introductory video has some of the greatest moments in all of wrestling, like the time Lance Van Leer broke kayfabe’s back and made it humble when he said, on live television, HCW didn’t want Komodo to lose the title. And that time when Phat Man had a midget in his promo… Which time, amirite? And let’s not forget Jay Thunder’s illustrious career! Whoo!
Scott is at his news desk as the jazzy music plays, and he shuffles some papers together, getting ready for PWWInsider 3. The music fades, and following a moment of silence, Scott begins.
Scott the Scoop:
Welcome to PWWInsider 3!
Random alarms and sirens go off as wacky sound effects are played in the background. Confetti falls from the ceiling, and Scott grabs a noisemaker, blowing loudly into it. He eventually blows so hard the end flies off and goes in a random direction. A loud crash is heard off screen, followed by…
Random person:
OW, MY EYE!
Scott mouths an apology before turning back to the camera.
Scott the Scoop:
What a PWWInsider we have in store tonight… I’m ready and raring to go, so let’s get crackin’, crackers!
First up, in PWW news, Pro Wrestling Warriors continues to steadily rise in attendance, DVD sales, exposure, and everything good, including but not limited to gumdrops and puppy dogs and rainbows!
HCW is trying to combat losing most of its roster recently, but is noticeably doing a mediocre job… But don’t be upset, that’s good for them!
And XGWF is still dead. Moving on…
The Pro Wrestling Warriors “War for the Title” event was a smashing success, raking in the dough for the fat cats of PWW. Destiny Fulfilled is anticipated to be a huge event, full of fanfare and excitement for all ages! So come one, come all, and enjoy our shows, buy our merchandise, eat our popcorn, and most importantly, buy our merchandise! And now, ladies and gentlemen, the part of the recap you’re waiting for… the special shoot segment. Tonight, I’ve got quite the hot meal ticket in the studio… Put your hands together for the one, the only, the FORMER… HCW CHAMPEEN… LANCE… VAN… LEEEEEEEEUUUUHHH!
Scoop pushes the wrong button, causing the sound effects of dogs barking and mailmen yelling to play. He shrugs as LVL shakes Scoop’s hand and takes a seat… in the hottest seat in the studio.
Laughing Out Loud with Lance Van Leer
Scott the Scoop:
Lance, thanks for taking the time to do this interview. You’re a busy man, a big show, and honestly, I’m surprised you accepted my phone calls.
Lance Van Leer:
I'm not the dickhead I come off as sometimes. I'm a company guy, Scott. Let's get this show on the road.
Scott the Scoop:
Alright, I'm going to get down to business. I'm a straight-shooter, Lance. I don't mess around. I take the bull by the horns and give it a good kick in the rear end. I shoot from the hip. You always know where I stand. I'm a straight-forward, straight-shooting guy, Lance, and I'm going to start right now. There's no p*ssyfooting around. I'm going to ask you the tough questions, and I expect you to answer them. I shoot, Lance. I ask the tough questions, I get the hard answers. I'm a difficult man, but I'm easy to understand. I'm blatant and--
Lance Van Leer:
Enough clichés. Ask a question.
Scott the Scoop:
Fair enough; first question: Lance, you got your start in HCW as a happy-go-lucky, young buckaroo. You were all about honor and prestige. But somewhere along the way, you had a transformation... You slowly grew to learn this business and what was needed to be a success, and you were a very integral part of a group known as "Revolution", headed by Matt Beck. How would you describe the early days of HCW as you were starting to break into the business and had just joined Revolution?
Lance Van Leer:
Well, my start in HCW can't really compared to those who got their starts elsewhere. HCW was a dog-eat-dog, stab-your-best-friend-in-the-back, claw fight to get any sort of recognition. I was happy-go-lucky at first, but quickly, I realized what I had gotten myself into. I joined up with Revolution because there is strength in numbers. Matt, Rob and Brady were hungry like I was and I knew that I would get further aligning myself with guys under the same circumstances.
Scott the Scoop:
You spent a lot of your early career in Revolution, alongside Matt Beck, Brady Cruise, and Rob Cavallo. What was the main thing you learned during your stay in the stable?
Lance Van Leer:
What did I learn? Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. There was a time where 3 out of the 4 members were title holders. Matt had the Lucharesu belt, Rob was Young Tiger Champion, and I had the Young Lion title. Sure, we all worked together, but don't think for a moment that I didn't have my plans to get their gold, too.
Scott the Scoop:
It wasn't long after that you were scheduled to feud The JoZ, but relationships with HCW went sour quickly, and you left for another promotion, Modern Day Warriors. What was going through your head as you left HCW for the smaller promotion?
Lance Van Leer:
In HCW, I was a small fish in a big pond. Yeah, my popularity was on the rise, but was it worth compromising my dignity and forced to job to a guy like JoZ? Absolutely not. You gotta look at it this way, Scott. MDW was highlighted by names such as Kenzo Katana, Roberto Morelli, Chris Linden, Erik Nachtsturm, etc. All grizzled veterans of the sport. What MDW needed was a young up-and-comer to come in and kick start a new generation. So I figured, who better to do that than me?
Scott the Scoop:
And it wasn't long afterwards that you set your sights on the Supreme Warrior Championship, held then by Kenzo Katana. In a best of seven series, you defeated Kenzo Katana in the first four matches, shutting him out... However, many "in the business" alleged that both sides were using a lot of politics. Through all the arguments, bickering, and backstabbing, how would you sum up your time in MDW and your first major championship title?
Lance Van Leer:
Politics weren't really the case. Lack of money was the problem. MDW ran out of cash just as I has won the Supreme Warrior championship. It was sweet. Many people say it was too short and doesn't really count, but I'm proud to say I was the final Supreme Warrior champion because MDW was more than just a smaller rival to HCW. It set the precedent for future HCW competitors, much like PWW. I like to consider myself one of the spearheads in the smaller fed revolution, and I link that all back to the Supreme Warrior Championship.
Scott the Scoop:
Well, you tried to continue your legacy by bringing the Supreme Warrior Championship to Hybrid Championship Wrestling. Many recognized you as a champion of "another company," but there were still some people, such as Ai Murasaki, who were stuck in the mud and unwilling to budge on the issue. Ultimately, you tried several times to implement the championship in a storyline, mostly unsuccessfully. Instead of being given a push as you had hoped, you were reintroduced to the midcard, despite your obvious popularity gained from Modern Day warriors. What are your thoughts of HCW's refusal to recognize the Supreme Warrior Championship and inability to realize the popularity of MDW?
Lance Van Leer:
Ignorance and arrogance. Most in HCW neglected to realize the popularity that MDW truly had, and those that did chose to sh*t all over it by shoving their last champion into the midcard in order to "show who won the war." Just a bunch of guys being assh*les, basically.
Scott the Scoop:
Despite the people who were trying to hold you down and those who said LVL couldn't draw, LVL couldn't wrestle, LVL couldn't do this and that, and basically, calling you everything short of a ****-sucking, ass-reaming, flaming homosexual piece of dog sh*t... which I read on a site I was browsing the other day... Oh, how I laughed. I bookmarked that one if you ever want to check it out...
Lance stares angrily at Scoop.
Scott the Scoop:
Oh, oh, I see... Um... well, anyway, despite all the adversity you've faced in your career, you would accomplish your dream of becoming the Hybrid Championship Wrestling Champion. How would you describe the period of time between you reentering the company and finally breaking the glass ceiling to the main event? Was it a hard task to sleep your way to the top knowing you were the suitor for Ai Murasaki?
Lance Van Leer:
Let's put it this way. The problem wasn't keeping me away from her, it was keeping her away from me. But hey, Scarlett was always a good sport when it came to threesomes.
Scott the Scoop:
Or foursomes when Russya got thrown into the mix, am I right?
Van Leer pukes on random prada bag. A lady, presumably of the PWWInsider technical crew, walks over to the bag, smacks LVL in the face, and takes it off-screen. Van Leer blushes.
Lance Van Leer:
Ow… Speaking of Russya, is she still around, Scott?
Scott the Scoop:
No, I believe she went back to old country to squash grapes and make wine.
Lance Van Leer:
...They don't make wine in Russia.
Scott the Scoop:
...Oh god... THEN WHAT DID I DRINK?!
Scott the Scoop frantically begins scrubbing his tongue with a random scouring pad.
Scott the Scoop:
Blech…
There were some heavy arguments in HCW regarding who was going to take the company to the next level. It seemed the administration had a hand-picked leader in Komodo, while many felt Lance Van Leer was a cutting-edge wrestler who hadn't yet gotten his due in HCW but was tearing up the scene elsewhere. Can you shed some light on just how intense the backstage area was during these arguments? Was there a clear division in the locker room between who wanted Komodo to win and keep the traditional way of doing things, and those who were willing to accept change?
Lance Van Leer:
Are you kidding me, Scott? It's undeniably evident who wanted Komodo to hang onto the title for a lot longer than he did and give me and all the other hungry, young wrestlers in the back the shaft. Don't get me wrong, Jack Porter is a phenomenal athlete and pushed me to my limits time and time again. He was a formidable champion, but it's a shame that his reign had to be tarnished by backstage politicking. Many of the higher-ups in HCW felt that there wasn't a "diamond in the rough" yet among the up-and-comers, but that was only because they were too afraid to give anybody a title shot. I won't deny the fact that I basically forced myself into the World title picture with Komodo, but you have to understand, if I hadn't done it, nobody else would. Everybody else would have submitted to Komodo and Murasaki and Fuginami and everyone else that were too afraid to make any attempts at creating future stars of HCW. So I shoved myself into the picture and after a few months, I got the belt off of Komodo. Many out there say that I wasn't ready to hold the HCW Championship and they criticize me for relinquishing it, but they don't understand the outside circumstances that pushed me to that limit, but I'm sure we'll discuss those later. Basically, guys like Blaze and Adrian King who have nothing but bad things to say about me, I have one thing to say to them: Had I not grown a pair and actually got the belt off Komodo, he would still be champion and you would still be jobbing. It's as simple as that.
Scott the Scoop:
Well, now I'd like to do a little segment new to our shoot interviews: The Name Game. I'm going to name off certain people in the wrestling business, and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind - it can be a word, a few words, a sentence, or anything you like. Ready, Lance?
Lance Van Leer:
Go for it.
Scott the Scoop:
Alright, first we've got... Adrian King.
Lance Van Leer:
Underrated wrestler, over inflated ego.
Scott the Scoop:
Seth Frost.
Lance Van Leer:
Great athlete that I hope to work with again.
Scott the Scoop:
Kenzo Katana.
Lance Van Leer:
Put me on the map.
Scott the Scoop:
Blaze.
Lance Van Leer:
HCW's personal self-destructive forest fire. Remember Scott, only you can prevent 'em
Scott the Scoop:
Well, it's a good thing I have this lovely Pro Wrestling Warriors Fire Extinguisher! Available now at www.cafeshops.com/ProWW.
Lance Van Leer:
Did you ever get the UWE Mime Clock? I've got one in my den.
Scott the Scoop:
Oh yeah, that's one of my personal favorites. Wait, what's UWE?
Lance Van Leer shifts his eyes as Scoop clears his throat.
Scott the Scoop:
Alright, how about this one... Ai Murasaki?
Lance Van Leer:
Lazy, overbearing, unoriginal...
Scott the Scoop:
Blaine Williams?
Lance Van Leer:
Uh...'Absolutely'
Scott the Scoop:
Tetsuo Fuginami?
Lance Van Leer:
He's still alive?
Scott the Scoop:
Yeah, they haven't pulled the feeding tube yet. It's a shame, really... His credit cards... charged to the MEGA MAX! Get your Mega Max t-shirts, also available at www.cafeshops.com/ProWW.
Komodo?
Lance Van Leer:
Spectacular athlete, great charisma, difficult to get along with.
Scott the Scoop:
Heh, true that. And finally, we come to the last person on my list... Oh, this is a great one... You better sit down. Oh, wait, you are. Hmm. Alright, I guess I'll just read it... Oh, my tongue is going into knots...
Lance Van Leer:
Spit it out, Scoop.
Scott the Scoop:
MIKE SOLOMON?
Lance Van Leer:
Amazing athlete, wonderful human being, a future champion, Nobel Prize winner and American Idol. A true inspiration to us all.
Scott the Scoop:
Yeah, I saw him at a blood drive at the Kroger the other day... What a kind human being. He doesn't let all his stardom go to his head. I'm truly inspired by his kind and giving nature. In fact, he's donated over a quarter million dollars to charity alone.
Lance Van Leer:
Yes, but sadly he's now $249,999 in the red. Leave it to HCW and their salaries...
Scott the Scoop:
Speaking of which, you've been referred to as trendy, so that's why I feel comfortable coming to you with this question...
What do you suggest to get this ketchup stain out of my white corduroys? White corduroys are back in style, right Lance?! Tell me I'm cool!
Scott waves a pair of white pants with a red stain in front of Lance, who appears quite disgusted.
Lance pulls out a $20 and hands it to Scott.
Lance Van Leer:
Here, go down to the Gap and buy yourself something pretty.
Scott discreetly shoves the bill into his pants... Uh, the ones he's wearing, not the ketchup-stained pair of buyer's remorse on a stick of penis envy wrapped in a taco shell of insecurity.
Scott the Scoop:
Alright, Lance, it's come to this... You knew it was coming. Hell, you even addressed it earlier, you sly fox. Why, oh why, would you give up such a prized possession as the Hybrid Championship Wrestling Championship? Why relinquish the gold that has meant so much to so many? Was this an act of charity?
Lance Van Leer:
I've been waiting to finally explain myself. Scott, you and everyone else that knows who I am knows how much I pushed and worked and sweat and bled to finally get the HCW Championship around my waist. I felt like I was on top of the world. But as much as the HCW Championship meant to me, there are some things that I just couldn't control and were more important. Scott, my mother Katrina had been battling cervical cancer for about 5 years. She had originally been diagnosed with only a few months to live, but being the tough woman that she was, she managed to turn that into a few years. She had been on and off chemotherapy for years and she had seemingly beaten the cancer. She overcame cancer, but in the meantime she had contracted a severe case of pneumonia in the hospital. That's the thing about chemo, it drastically lowers your immune system. Anyhow, about two days after I had one the title, I got a call saying that my mother was in the hospital. Scarlett and I threw everything aside and flew out to Carson City to be with her. We arrived in time, but she passed three days later. I was devastated. We all were. I had no interest in returning to the ring. I spent the next week with my father, two younger brothers and baby sister, trying to pull the family back together. After some serious soul searching, I realized that I had no time to waste anymore, so Scarlett and I were married two weeks later after about 3 years of dating and 6 months of engagement. While we were in HCW, Scarlett had been covering up the fact that she was pregnant for fear that it would cost her job and possibly mine, which it probably would have. She's due in early December, it's a girl, by the way. Anyhow, during all this, I realized that I needed to take some time off from the ring spend time with those that I love. Unfortunately, this all came into effect just days after I won the HCW Championship. I tried to explain this to the HCW corporate heads, but did they care about my mother? No. Did they care that my wife was pregnant and couldn't travel as much? No. All they wanted to know was when I was coming back to make money for them. So after days of debating, I finally opted to drop the title so someone else could profit from holding it. But do any of them care? No. They all criticize me for waiting "too long to give it up."
Scott the Scoop:
Man, that's... that's really sad, Lance. Did they ever catch the burglar?
Lance looks at Scott angrily.
Scott the Scoop:
What? What--oh, I... I'm sorry. I think I blacked out for a while... That was uh... quite a speech you had there. So uh... Well, I guess you probably know what direction I’m going in now. I have to bring up the heated reasoning for why you left the last company. You could probably guess that if you've seen any of the other PWWInsider shoots.
Lance Van Leer:
...I..uh...haven't seen any before.
Scott the Scoop:
...Oh, oh... Oh... really? Heh, wow. That's a load off my mind. Here I thought you would've found out about all the things Blake Straker said about you. Heh, I mean... WHOA. And Bishop, man, he really... he doesn't hold back his punches. Fired some uh... some stingy lines. But uh, yeah, that's cool; that's cool. I totally understand. Alright, what's in store for Lance Van Leer now that he's gone from Hybrid Championship Wrestling? Come on baby. What's your story? Where'd you come from and where you wanna go, oh-oh-oh... Tell me, baby--Whoa, sorry, Red Hot Chili Fever. Ahem.
So, anyway, HCW was bitter and decided that if they couldn’t have the real Lance Van Leer, they were going to use a fake, and so Fake LVL was created and used to defend the HCW Championship. What did you think of Fake LVL? Did he capture you well? I thought the bald spot and beer gut were dead-on compared to this photo…
Scott the Scoop shows a photograph of Nightmare.
Lance Van Leer:
Uh... Scott. That's not me.
Scott the Scoop:
...Oh, gee... oh, well... Oh... I should've known better than searching HCW's website for a picture.
Lance Van Leer:
Yeah, they still have Komodo listed as champion. Though they're probably still in denial that he's not.
Scott the Scoop:
I'd be in denial, too, if I had Adrian King and Blaze fighting over that string and soup can lid... HEY-OH!
Van Leer hits random gong.
Scott the Scoop:
What are your thoughts on HCW's move to bring in an impostor to play your part in the title match?
Lance Van Leer:
My thoughts? It didn't surprise me in the least. HCW plays on the fact that they believe wrestling fans are stupid and can't distinguish one person from another. I let them know I had no intentions of performing on the show, so instead of vacating the title, they hired some two-bit actors that any idiot could tell looked nothing like Scarlett or myself to pretend to be us. They did that just to spite me and in doing so they shot themselves in the foot. They had zero credibility to begin with and now they seem to be in the red in that, too. Not to mention the Nielsen ratings.
Scott the Scoop:
Yeah, HCW got a huge trophy for being the first company to actually get a negative Nielsen rating... They have it displayed in their headquarters in Stanford, Connecticut. Wait... That's not HCW, that's W...ell, it's not important.
Anyway uh, what have you got in store for the future? Is anything for sure?
Lance Van Leer:
Well, wrestling's in my blood. I can't get around it. I'll be back. I don't know when, I don't know where. Actually, I do know it WON'T be in HCW, but other than that, it's up in the air right now. Maybe you'll be seeing me around soon, Scott...
Scott the Scoop:
Yeah, I'll probably see you after we finish filming this in the back for coffee and donuts and you can tell me more about how to remove that ketchup stain, am I right? Am I right, G? Oh, yeah.
Scott reaches for LVL to give him a knuckle bump, but uh... Van Leer declines.
...Oh, alright... That's cool, too. Well, for Lance Van Leer, I'm Scott the Scoop, and you've been ‘Lolling with Level’ … I mean, ‘Laughing Out Loud with Lance Van Leer.'
OOC: As usual, Rick did the LVL dialogue; I did the Scott the Scoop dialogue. This is probably the longest one yet, and I really enjoyed it.
The introductory video has some of the greatest moments in all of wrestling, like the time Lance Van Leer broke kayfabe’s back and made it humble when he said, on live television, HCW didn’t want Komodo to lose the title. And that time when Phat Man had a midget in his promo… Which time, amirite? And let’s not forget Jay Thunder’s illustrious career! Whoo!
Scott is at his news desk as the jazzy music plays, and he shuffles some papers together, getting ready for PWWInsider 3. The music fades, and following a moment of silence, Scott begins.
Scott the Scoop:
Welcome to PWWInsider 3!
Random alarms and sirens go off as wacky sound effects are played in the background. Confetti falls from the ceiling, and Scott grabs a noisemaker, blowing loudly into it. He eventually blows so hard the end flies off and goes in a random direction. A loud crash is heard off screen, followed by…
Random person:
OW, MY EYE!
Scott mouths an apology before turning back to the camera.
Scott the Scoop:
What a PWWInsider we have in store tonight… I’m ready and raring to go, so let’s get crackin’, crackers!
First up, in PWW news, Pro Wrestling Warriors continues to steadily rise in attendance, DVD sales, exposure, and everything good, including but not limited to gumdrops and puppy dogs and rainbows!
HCW is trying to combat losing most of its roster recently, but is noticeably doing a mediocre job… But don’t be upset, that’s good for them!
And XGWF is still dead. Moving on…
The Pro Wrestling Warriors “War for the Title” event was a smashing success, raking in the dough for the fat cats of PWW. Destiny Fulfilled is anticipated to be a huge event, full of fanfare and excitement for all ages! So come one, come all, and enjoy our shows, buy our merchandise, eat our popcorn, and most importantly, buy our merchandise! And now, ladies and gentlemen, the part of the recap you’re waiting for… the special shoot segment. Tonight, I’ve got quite the hot meal ticket in the studio… Put your hands together for the one, the only, the FORMER… HCW CHAMPEEN… LANCE… VAN… LEEEEEEEEUUUUHHH!
Scoop pushes the wrong button, causing the sound effects of dogs barking and mailmen yelling to play. He shrugs as LVL shakes Scoop’s hand and takes a seat… in the hottest seat in the studio.
Laughing Out Loud with Lance Van Leer
Scott the Scoop:
Lance, thanks for taking the time to do this interview. You’re a busy man, a big show, and honestly, I’m surprised you accepted my phone calls.
Lance Van Leer:
I'm not the dickhead I come off as sometimes. I'm a company guy, Scott. Let's get this show on the road.
Scott the Scoop:
Alright, I'm going to get down to business. I'm a straight-shooter, Lance. I don't mess around. I take the bull by the horns and give it a good kick in the rear end. I shoot from the hip. You always know where I stand. I'm a straight-forward, straight-shooting guy, Lance, and I'm going to start right now. There's no p*ssyfooting around. I'm going to ask you the tough questions, and I expect you to answer them. I shoot, Lance. I ask the tough questions, I get the hard answers. I'm a difficult man, but I'm easy to understand. I'm blatant and--
Lance Van Leer:
Enough clichés. Ask a question.
Scott the Scoop:
Fair enough; first question: Lance, you got your start in HCW as a happy-go-lucky, young buckaroo. You were all about honor and prestige. But somewhere along the way, you had a transformation... You slowly grew to learn this business and what was needed to be a success, and you were a very integral part of a group known as "Revolution", headed by Matt Beck. How would you describe the early days of HCW as you were starting to break into the business and had just joined Revolution?
Lance Van Leer:
Well, my start in HCW can't really compared to those who got their starts elsewhere. HCW was a dog-eat-dog, stab-your-best-friend-in-the-back, claw fight to get any sort of recognition. I was happy-go-lucky at first, but quickly, I realized what I had gotten myself into. I joined up with Revolution because there is strength in numbers. Matt, Rob and Brady were hungry like I was and I knew that I would get further aligning myself with guys under the same circumstances.
Scott the Scoop:
You spent a lot of your early career in Revolution, alongside Matt Beck, Brady Cruise, and Rob Cavallo. What was the main thing you learned during your stay in the stable?
Lance Van Leer:
What did I learn? Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. There was a time where 3 out of the 4 members were title holders. Matt had the Lucharesu belt, Rob was Young Tiger Champion, and I had the Young Lion title. Sure, we all worked together, but don't think for a moment that I didn't have my plans to get their gold, too.
Scott the Scoop:
It wasn't long after that you were scheduled to feud The JoZ, but relationships with HCW went sour quickly, and you left for another promotion, Modern Day Warriors. What was going through your head as you left HCW for the smaller promotion?
Lance Van Leer:
In HCW, I was a small fish in a big pond. Yeah, my popularity was on the rise, but was it worth compromising my dignity and forced to job to a guy like JoZ? Absolutely not. You gotta look at it this way, Scott. MDW was highlighted by names such as Kenzo Katana, Roberto Morelli, Chris Linden, Erik Nachtsturm, etc. All grizzled veterans of the sport. What MDW needed was a young up-and-comer to come in and kick start a new generation. So I figured, who better to do that than me?
Scott the Scoop:
And it wasn't long afterwards that you set your sights on the Supreme Warrior Championship, held then by Kenzo Katana. In a best of seven series, you defeated Kenzo Katana in the first four matches, shutting him out... However, many "in the business" alleged that both sides were using a lot of politics. Through all the arguments, bickering, and backstabbing, how would you sum up your time in MDW and your first major championship title?
Lance Van Leer:
Politics weren't really the case. Lack of money was the problem. MDW ran out of cash just as I has won the Supreme Warrior championship. It was sweet. Many people say it was too short and doesn't really count, but I'm proud to say I was the final Supreme Warrior champion because MDW was more than just a smaller rival to HCW. It set the precedent for future HCW competitors, much like PWW. I like to consider myself one of the spearheads in the smaller fed revolution, and I link that all back to the Supreme Warrior Championship.
Scott the Scoop:
Well, you tried to continue your legacy by bringing the Supreme Warrior Championship to Hybrid Championship Wrestling. Many recognized you as a champion of "another company," but there were still some people, such as Ai Murasaki, who were stuck in the mud and unwilling to budge on the issue. Ultimately, you tried several times to implement the championship in a storyline, mostly unsuccessfully. Instead of being given a push as you had hoped, you were reintroduced to the midcard, despite your obvious popularity gained from Modern Day warriors. What are your thoughts of HCW's refusal to recognize the Supreme Warrior Championship and inability to realize the popularity of MDW?
Lance Van Leer:
Ignorance and arrogance. Most in HCW neglected to realize the popularity that MDW truly had, and those that did chose to sh*t all over it by shoving their last champion into the midcard in order to "show who won the war." Just a bunch of guys being assh*les, basically.
Scott the Scoop:
Despite the people who were trying to hold you down and those who said LVL couldn't draw, LVL couldn't wrestle, LVL couldn't do this and that, and basically, calling you everything short of a ****-sucking, ass-reaming, flaming homosexual piece of dog sh*t... which I read on a site I was browsing the other day... Oh, how I laughed. I bookmarked that one if you ever want to check it out...
Lance stares angrily at Scoop.
Scott the Scoop:
Oh, oh, I see... Um... well, anyway, despite all the adversity you've faced in your career, you would accomplish your dream of becoming the Hybrid Championship Wrestling Champion. How would you describe the period of time between you reentering the company and finally breaking the glass ceiling to the main event? Was it a hard task to sleep your way to the top knowing you were the suitor for Ai Murasaki?
Lance Van Leer:
Let's put it this way. The problem wasn't keeping me away from her, it was keeping her away from me. But hey, Scarlett was always a good sport when it came to threesomes.
Scott the Scoop:
Or foursomes when Russya got thrown into the mix, am I right?
Van Leer pukes on random prada bag. A lady, presumably of the PWWInsider technical crew, walks over to the bag, smacks LVL in the face, and takes it off-screen. Van Leer blushes.
Lance Van Leer:
Ow… Speaking of Russya, is she still around, Scott?
Scott the Scoop:
No, I believe she went back to old country to squash grapes and make wine.
Lance Van Leer:
...They don't make wine in Russia.
Scott the Scoop:
...Oh god... THEN WHAT DID I DRINK?!
Scott the Scoop frantically begins scrubbing his tongue with a random scouring pad.
Scott the Scoop:
Blech…
There were some heavy arguments in HCW regarding who was going to take the company to the next level. It seemed the administration had a hand-picked leader in Komodo, while many felt Lance Van Leer was a cutting-edge wrestler who hadn't yet gotten his due in HCW but was tearing up the scene elsewhere. Can you shed some light on just how intense the backstage area was during these arguments? Was there a clear division in the locker room between who wanted Komodo to win and keep the traditional way of doing things, and those who were willing to accept change?
Lance Van Leer:
Are you kidding me, Scott? It's undeniably evident who wanted Komodo to hang onto the title for a lot longer than he did and give me and all the other hungry, young wrestlers in the back the shaft. Don't get me wrong, Jack Porter is a phenomenal athlete and pushed me to my limits time and time again. He was a formidable champion, but it's a shame that his reign had to be tarnished by backstage politicking. Many of the higher-ups in HCW felt that there wasn't a "diamond in the rough" yet among the up-and-comers, but that was only because they were too afraid to give anybody a title shot. I won't deny the fact that I basically forced myself into the World title picture with Komodo, but you have to understand, if I hadn't done it, nobody else would. Everybody else would have submitted to Komodo and Murasaki and Fuginami and everyone else that were too afraid to make any attempts at creating future stars of HCW. So I shoved myself into the picture and after a few months, I got the belt off of Komodo. Many out there say that I wasn't ready to hold the HCW Championship and they criticize me for relinquishing it, but they don't understand the outside circumstances that pushed me to that limit, but I'm sure we'll discuss those later. Basically, guys like Blaze and Adrian King who have nothing but bad things to say about me, I have one thing to say to them: Had I not grown a pair and actually got the belt off Komodo, he would still be champion and you would still be jobbing. It's as simple as that.
Scott the Scoop:
Well, now I'd like to do a little segment new to our shoot interviews: The Name Game. I'm going to name off certain people in the wrestling business, and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind - it can be a word, a few words, a sentence, or anything you like. Ready, Lance?
Lance Van Leer:
Go for it.
Scott the Scoop:
Alright, first we've got... Adrian King.
Lance Van Leer:
Underrated wrestler, over inflated ego.
Scott the Scoop:
Seth Frost.
Lance Van Leer:
Great athlete that I hope to work with again.
Scott the Scoop:
Kenzo Katana.
Lance Van Leer:
Put me on the map.
Scott the Scoop:
Blaze.
Lance Van Leer:
HCW's personal self-destructive forest fire. Remember Scott, only you can prevent 'em
Scott the Scoop:
Well, it's a good thing I have this lovely Pro Wrestling Warriors Fire Extinguisher! Available now at www.cafeshops.com/ProWW.
Lance Van Leer:
Did you ever get the UWE Mime Clock? I've got one in my den.
Scott the Scoop:
Oh yeah, that's one of my personal favorites. Wait, what's UWE?
Lance Van Leer shifts his eyes as Scoop clears his throat.
Scott the Scoop:
Alright, how about this one... Ai Murasaki?
Lance Van Leer:
Lazy, overbearing, unoriginal...
Scott the Scoop:
Blaine Williams?
Lance Van Leer:
Uh...'Absolutely'
Scott the Scoop:
Tetsuo Fuginami?
Lance Van Leer:
He's still alive?
Scott the Scoop:
Yeah, they haven't pulled the feeding tube yet. It's a shame, really... His credit cards... charged to the MEGA MAX! Get your Mega Max t-shirts, also available at www.cafeshops.com/ProWW.
Komodo?
Lance Van Leer:
Spectacular athlete, great charisma, difficult to get along with.
Scott the Scoop:
Heh, true that. And finally, we come to the last person on my list... Oh, this is a great one... You better sit down. Oh, wait, you are. Hmm. Alright, I guess I'll just read it... Oh, my tongue is going into knots...
Lance Van Leer:
Spit it out, Scoop.
Scott the Scoop:
MIKE SOLOMON?
Lance Van Leer:
Amazing athlete, wonderful human being, a future champion, Nobel Prize winner and American Idol. A true inspiration to us all.
Scott the Scoop:
Yeah, I saw him at a blood drive at the Kroger the other day... What a kind human being. He doesn't let all his stardom go to his head. I'm truly inspired by his kind and giving nature. In fact, he's donated over a quarter million dollars to charity alone.
Lance Van Leer:
Yes, but sadly he's now $249,999 in the red. Leave it to HCW and their salaries...
Scott the Scoop:
Speaking of which, you've been referred to as trendy, so that's why I feel comfortable coming to you with this question...
What do you suggest to get this ketchup stain out of my white corduroys? White corduroys are back in style, right Lance?! Tell me I'm cool!
Scott waves a pair of white pants with a red stain in front of Lance, who appears quite disgusted.
Lance pulls out a $20 and hands it to Scott.
Lance Van Leer:
Here, go down to the Gap and buy yourself something pretty.
Scott discreetly shoves the bill into his pants... Uh, the ones he's wearing, not the ketchup-stained pair of buyer's remorse on a stick of penis envy wrapped in a taco shell of insecurity.
Scott the Scoop:
Alright, Lance, it's come to this... You knew it was coming. Hell, you even addressed it earlier, you sly fox. Why, oh why, would you give up such a prized possession as the Hybrid Championship Wrestling Championship? Why relinquish the gold that has meant so much to so many? Was this an act of charity?
Lance Van Leer:
I've been waiting to finally explain myself. Scott, you and everyone else that knows who I am knows how much I pushed and worked and sweat and bled to finally get the HCW Championship around my waist. I felt like I was on top of the world. But as much as the HCW Championship meant to me, there are some things that I just couldn't control and were more important. Scott, my mother Katrina had been battling cervical cancer for about 5 years. She had originally been diagnosed with only a few months to live, but being the tough woman that she was, she managed to turn that into a few years. She had been on and off chemotherapy for years and she had seemingly beaten the cancer. She overcame cancer, but in the meantime she had contracted a severe case of pneumonia in the hospital. That's the thing about chemo, it drastically lowers your immune system. Anyhow, about two days after I had one the title, I got a call saying that my mother was in the hospital. Scarlett and I threw everything aside and flew out to Carson City to be with her. We arrived in time, but she passed three days later. I was devastated. We all were. I had no interest in returning to the ring. I spent the next week with my father, two younger brothers and baby sister, trying to pull the family back together. After some serious soul searching, I realized that I had no time to waste anymore, so Scarlett and I were married two weeks later after about 3 years of dating and 6 months of engagement. While we were in HCW, Scarlett had been covering up the fact that she was pregnant for fear that it would cost her job and possibly mine, which it probably would have. She's due in early December, it's a girl, by the way. Anyhow, during all this, I realized that I needed to take some time off from the ring spend time with those that I love. Unfortunately, this all came into effect just days after I won the HCW Championship. I tried to explain this to the HCW corporate heads, but did they care about my mother? No. Did they care that my wife was pregnant and couldn't travel as much? No. All they wanted to know was when I was coming back to make money for them. So after days of debating, I finally opted to drop the title so someone else could profit from holding it. But do any of them care? No. They all criticize me for waiting "too long to give it up."
Scott the Scoop:
Man, that's... that's really sad, Lance. Did they ever catch the burglar?
Lance looks at Scott angrily.
Scott the Scoop:
What? What--oh, I... I'm sorry. I think I blacked out for a while... That was uh... quite a speech you had there. So uh... Well, I guess you probably know what direction I’m going in now. I have to bring up the heated reasoning for why you left the last company. You could probably guess that if you've seen any of the other PWWInsider shoots.
Lance Van Leer:
...I..uh...haven't seen any before.
Scott the Scoop:
...Oh, oh... Oh... really? Heh, wow. That's a load off my mind. Here I thought you would've found out about all the things Blake Straker said about you. Heh, I mean... WHOA. And Bishop, man, he really... he doesn't hold back his punches. Fired some uh... some stingy lines. But uh, yeah, that's cool; that's cool. I totally understand. Alright, what's in store for Lance Van Leer now that he's gone from Hybrid Championship Wrestling? Come on baby. What's your story? Where'd you come from and where you wanna go, oh-oh-oh... Tell me, baby--Whoa, sorry, Red Hot Chili Fever. Ahem.
So, anyway, HCW was bitter and decided that if they couldn’t have the real Lance Van Leer, they were going to use a fake, and so Fake LVL was created and used to defend the HCW Championship. What did you think of Fake LVL? Did he capture you well? I thought the bald spot and beer gut were dead-on compared to this photo…
Scott the Scoop shows a photograph of Nightmare.
Lance Van Leer:
Uh... Scott. That's not me.
Scott the Scoop:
...Oh, gee... oh, well... Oh... I should've known better than searching HCW's website for a picture.
Lance Van Leer:
Yeah, they still have Komodo listed as champion. Though they're probably still in denial that he's not.
Scott the Scoop:
I'd be in denial, too, if I had Adrian King and Blaze fighting over that string and soup can lid... HEY-OH!
Van Leer hits random gong.
Scott the Scoop:
What are your thoughts on HCW's move to bring in an impostor to play your part in the title match?
Lance Van Leer:
My thoughts? It didn't surprise me in the least. HCW plays on the fact that they believe wrestling fans are stupid and can't distinguish one person from another. I let them know I had no intentions of performing on the show, so instead of vacating the title, they hired some two-bit actors that any idiot could tell looked nothing like Scarlett or myself to pretend to be us. They did that just to spite me and in doing so they shot themselves in the foot. They had zero credibility to begin with and now they seem to be in the red in that, too. Not to mention the Nielsen ratings.
Scott the Scoop:
Yeah, HCW got a huge trophy for being the first company to actually get a negative Nielsen rating... They have it displayed in their headquarters in Stanford, Connecticut. Wait... That's not HCW, that's W...ell, it's not important.
Anyway uh, what have you got in store for the future? Is anything for sure?
Lance Van Leer:
Well, wrestling's in my blood. I can't get around it. I'll be back. I don't know when, I don't know where. Actually, I do know it WON'T be in HCW, but other than that, it's up in the air right now. Maybe you'll be seeing me around soon, Scott...
Scott the Scoop:
Yeah, I'll probably see you after we finish filming this in the back for coffee and donuts and you can tell me more about how to remove that ketchup stain, am I right? Am I right, G? Oh, yeah.
Scott reaches for LVL to give him a knuckle bump, but uh... Van Leer declines.
...Oh, alright... That's cool, too. Well, for Lance Van Leer, I'm Scott the Scoop, and you've been ‘Lolling with Level’ … I mean, ‘Laughing Out Loud with Lance Van Leer.'
OOC: As usual, Rick did the LVL dialogue; I did the Scott the Scoop dialogue. This is probably the longest one yet, and I really enjoyed it.