Diablos Training Grounds

[Newtype06]

Ok, new Diablos that wish to be trained in RPing or RPBing can post here after getting a mentor in the main thread. DO NOT post here unless you are a member of the Diablos.

[subliminalpsx77]

im ready, and since we are going by first names im chris.

[Newtype06]

Dave.

Well, it's nice to have you. Lets get started.

If you want to be good at an RPB, you first must be good as an RPer.

Your first assignment: create a character, and, without the use of a set bio, describe him/her to me, along with any important facts about him/her.

and...Go!

oh, and just a reminder, I follow what is universally known as the "ten line rule". Each RP/RPB post must be at the very least 10 lines of text. I'll have you know that a standard rp for me is 4 pages long in windows word. But that's just how I like it. Some people like to keep it short, and describe that one scene very well. Other people make it broader, but often sacrifice detail.

And then there are some (most of the Diablos, actually) who can make RP/RPB posts that are 5, 6 pages long, and they'll be excellently written. It's those guys who really excel in RPBs.

[subliminalpsx77]

so basicly im suposed to be writing a bio about my alter ego or something


psx physical description:
psx is a tall shady figure. he is six foot tall one-hundred and eighty pounds. he has jet black spiky hair and dark blue eyes. he all ways wears a black leather jacket black baggy death dealer pants (baggy pants with spikes around the ankles and black fames with white outlines coming up from the ankles), and big black combat boots. on the back of his jacket there is a picture of a skull with devil horns, a halo and an anarchy symbol carved into its forehead. the skull has one angel wing and one demon wing. in big grafitti like letters above it it says KORERUPTION ALIANCE.

psx bio

psx is 26 years old. he was born and raised on the streets of new jearsy. his mother was a whore and his father was just another customer. when he was only ten years old his mother was killed by an enraged customer who had been drunk and accused her of stealing his wallet. when she had denied it he brutaly beat her to death with a lead pipe. hearing the comotion psx enterd the rundown hotel to find the man standing over his mother with the bloody pipe still grasped in his hand. psx wasent able to control his anger. he rushed the man and beat him to the ground and eventually seized the mans dropped pipe. everything was painted red with blood as psx continuously bashed the man in the head with the pipe. he kept swinging untill the mans head was completly caved in. he then said a silent prayer for his now deceased mother grabed the mans wallet, which had fallen underneath the bed, and made a run for it. he was taken in by a local gang that had heard his story and the horendous acts he had commited. this gang was the dockside saints. they showed psx the ways of organized crime and he quickly made a name for himself and rose through the ranks. after only a few years had passed he was given a once in a life time oppertunity. the leader of the gang was growing old and feeble. afraid that his death would destroy the hirarchy of the gang he desided to hold a contest so that the strongest member of the gang would be named and appointed to the position of leader. psx accepted the challenge along with ten other members. he won with out even the smallest scratch. he now runs the gang, but there is all ways a gaping hole within him that hungers for something he cannot find to feed to it. every minuit of every day he searches for the ansers to what he hungers for.

psx personality
psx is a rough neck. he is also a man of few words. but his freinds and folloers trust him and allways know that when he says something it is important. he has never had anyone question him. he allways has the glazed, ferocious look of a warrior in his eyes.

psx favorite saying:
"through insanity evil smiles, through me it sings"[/SIZE]

[Newtype06]

Ok, I guess that was a bit much for starters.

This is a link (http://forums.gamewinners.com/forums/showthread.php?t=495426) to one of my more recent RPBs. Don't bother reading further on, unless you want to. I just want you to look at the introduction. Watch how I set up a character, tell you about him, tell you his motivation, and set up the scene. That's what you want to do in a RP.

I specifically said not to do a bio. Nothing spells n00b like posting a bio in an rpb.

Oh, and don't go messing with tags. They're a bit beyond you right now.

BTW, if you have an aim, PM it to me. It'll make this easier.

[subliminalpsx77]

ok. so im suposed to write kind of an intro for my charicter breifly skiming on his past and stuff like that. is that right

[Newtype06]

you can do whatever you want. I like to put a little in about the past just to show his motives. Here's another RP (http://forums.gamewinners.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6728374#post6728374) where I forgo the past completely. Just introduce your character into a situation. He may be walking into a tavern, going to see an old friend, or getting ready to practice with a mentor. Whatever. Just write it out so that I feel that I am there and that I understand everything. You should never have to explain anything to me out of the RP.

Show, don't Tell. That's my golden rule.

Oh, and use a real name. Unless you can explain why his name is PSX, try to think up something original.

[subliminalpsx77]

uhh this is going to sound stupid but what is an AIM and i think i know what PM is but im not sure how to do it. anyways im going to try this again. i think i understand now. and since i am all most an epic level DM in D&D i shouldent have any trouble, but then again so far thats all ive had

[Newtype06]

OK, having read your bio, I have a few comments.

1) Your grammar and Spelling are atrocious. Type up all RPs and RP-related material in a word processor and triple check it. Seriously.

2) psx accepted the challenge along with ten other members. he won with out even the smallest scratch.
This is called a god mod. It's when your character pulls off a totally outrageous and unrealistic feat. Something like this would never happen. If a contest like this did in fact occur, then it would have been brutal and costly for everyone involved. As a rule of thumb, never make your character the very, very best of something.

3) Eh, the favorite saying, while cool, is totally unnecessary. You can just say that a bunch of times in an rp/rpb. You don't have to tell me.

PM is private message. Look near the top on the right and you'll see a link that says "Private Messages". Just send me your aol instant messenger screen name, or any screen name you use.

[subliminalpsx77]

akarist walked in to the dragons claw and shook the rain off of his tunic. as the door clatterd shut behind him the pub went completly silent. he ignored this even though it was burning at him inside. he walked over to the bar and sat down beckoning the bartender over to him.
"What do you want stranger" , said the bartender in a raspy voice.

"ill have a dragon spit fire" he replied

[Newtype06]

Ten Line Rule....


Again.

If you posted that in a real RPB, the ref would stop the fight, laugh at you, and declare the other person the winner.

[subliminalpsx77]

how is this so far. i think im getting the hang of it, and sorry about spelling a everyting. im just trying for the basics right now and ill make it look good later. . and as far a screen name i just use the same one as my email address. subliminalpsx77. i think that is what you need. and dammit i was suposed to pm that right. ill send a short one right now

[Newtype06]

no, its just that most people like to keep that private. Whatever, I'll find you

[Requiem]

Can I pop in a say something?

Great teaching, Dave.

Now, to say someting to your pupil. Always remember the aforementioned "ten line rule". Also, there is one thing that many people forget. QUALITY > QUANTITY. I personally don't have the patience to sit and write a four page RP. My RPs are actually less than a page. But, as Dave can tell you, they are pretty good. (< Not to toot my own horn or anything :P)

Ok. Thats all I wanted to say. I think I'm gonna go grab a kid of my own. Later.

[subliminalpsx77]

i get the whole RP thing cause im a DM but its just im not sure how things work here. what kind of charicter do i have to make. i mean does it have to be like a mid evil warlord or can it me a modern day soldger or what. give a few guide lines and i can probaly do it pretty easaly. by the way i checked out some of your other posts. your a pretty good writer. i like to write but obiously i faild spelling and grammer. but my storys are usualy good.

[Newtype06]

that's the beauty of this. You can write whatever the hell you want! Here are some examples of characters I've made:

Deadin Draugdu- Elvish Prince, kinda hampered by that werewolf deal
Gnisal/Zero/Krisha'tar Sun Cotos- A sheikah assassin, who eventually helps lead a rebellion against the fascist regime
Eldrick McTiernan- A ruthless mercenary and self styled "Guardian Angel of Death"
Baatir Aliit-A Mandalorian Medic
Skyr Valatos- A Sith tactician and orator


A lot of times, clans will have themes. You can't make a modern soldier in Neil's Tower Six Clan, for example. And you can't make an archer in my Mandalorian clan. A lot of clans have strict bios that you must conform to.

Let me ask you this- If you had to spend 3 pages describing combat, which would be easier- describing a guy shoot someone, or describing a sword fight?

[Underground Man]

I'll subscribe to this and offer some criticism as I see fit. If that's alright with Dave, of course.

You've decided to learn to RPB at a good time. The Grim Reaper Tournament is going on as we speak, and some of the truly great RPers are all duking it out for the title. So I'd recommend that you go check out any posts you can find by Xellos, Panther, Kanis, Lucifer Pyrifax, Meathos, and MSX. Those six are probably the best RPBers I've ever seen. Next to me of course.

EDIT: Here's a link to a short post by Panther...it isnt anything special really, but still worth a read. http://forums.gamewinners.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6843868#post6843868

[Dragon_Knight X]

I would like to say this, most clans kinda look down on gunslinger type characters. I beleive there are some clans that specifically want them, but it takes no originality to shoot a gun. this is not to say that you can't have a character that uses guns, unless it's a clan that is set in olden times when guns didn't exist, but as I said, guns require no originality and are sometimes considered the noobish choice of weapon... not to mention it's really hard to impliment a gunfight in a nice long RPB.. that's just my two cents.

[Underground Man]

Aye, I'll second that. Its hard to stretch a post out to a good length with guns, you can only shoot and miss so many times before it gets repetitive.

[Newtype06]

Aye, I'll second that. Its hard to stretch a post out to a good length with guns, you can only shoot and miss so many times before it gets repetitive.


Let me ask you this- If you had to spend 3 pages describing combat, which would be easier- describing a guy shoot someone, or describing a sword fight?

My point exactly. So uh, where'd PSX go? Dont tell me I've broken him aleady...

[Requiem]

Now thats not true. I could make a lengthy post about a gunfight. If anything, that would be the mark of a great RPer. Turning nothing into something.

This'll be a good experiment. Wanna do a gunslinger RPB, Lance? 1-2-1?

[Underground Man]

Haha, I'd love to. Never RPed with a gun before. But I'm going to make you have the first post. This'll be fun, and possibly even a learning experience.

You realize you'll have to be patient with me, but I think I can manage such a short fight.

[Newtype06]

heh, now this looks like it'll be fantastic. If PSX is still here, it would do him well to watch these two guys RPB.

[Sekhmet]

you can make an rp regarding fighting with gun but you have to describe, the recoil with the gun, the bullet flying, what the bullet does the body and so on and so forth...

[Requiem]

Ok. This'll take some planning. I'll have a post up....ohhh...in a couple days. Maybe even tomorrow. Certainly not tonight. :P

And Lance, I'm just sittin' on my ass in my dorm for most of the day. I've got all the time in the world.

[Underground Man]

Alright, cool. Once I get yours I'll knock one out as soon as I can. My weekend is looking pretty open.

[Vaati]

ok I am here.
I will start where chris started his training. I am using roku from japan a country of warriors.

Roku walked into the loud tavern. Shouts could be heard and glasses were clanging together. Grease and blood covered the walls along with alcohal. drunken men were stumbling around the bar shouting nonsense. The piano was tapping away and a fight could be heard breaking out in the upstairs. Smoke was drifting upward and the lights were dim. A strange man swiftly walked through the door to the counter and asked for ale. Roku watched him suspicously and the surly man downed the drink in one gulp. He would have to keep an eye on him.


How's that?:P

[Newtype06]

10 lines. Start again. Read everything I've posted so far and start again

[Requiem]

Hey, Dave. I think I'll take Bounty if you don't mind :)

Bounty, let me start by asking, whats your first name, exactly? My name is Joe.

[Vaati]

My first name is Clark. No I am not superman. :bow:

[Requiem]

Didn't figure so.

Ok, Clark. Why don't you start off by telling me EVERYTHING you know about writing good RPs. I'll critique, and add to it. Then we'll start actually RPing.

[Newtype06]

yeah have a ball, Joe. I'm just bored cuz I burned out yet another apprentice. I seriously am the kiss of death. I'm currently 3 and 13 for apprentice training.

[Requiem]

Yeah well. Tough *******. :P

Lance, I actually had some parties and sh!t this weekend. It suprised me, lol.

I'll try and have my stuff up later in the week. I'll prolly write it after I get my paper finished, since I'll have the pencil in my hand anyways :P

Yeah well. Tough T!tties. :P

Lance, I actually had some parties and sh!t this weekend. It suprised me, lol.

I'll try and have my stuff up later in the week. I'll prolly write it after I get my paper finished, since I'll have the pencil in my hand anyways :P

Damn the non editing.....

[Underground Man]

Its all good, I'm in no hurry.

[Vaati]

all I know about good Rping

*grammer
*use capatilization
*punctuation
*10 lines at the least
*make it interesting
*describe things with lots of details.
*revise, revise, revise
*edit,edit, edit
*and thats about it. I have only been rp'ing since the end of summer.

[Requiem]

Revise + Edit = Redundant

Ok. I want you to give me an attack RP. I want to see your skill level without any training what-so-ever. You can make it anything you want. I'll parry anything you throw out.

[Jaguar Love]

Hi, I'd really like to get better at RPBing so if anyone has the time to help out that would be much appreciated, thanks guys...

[Moridin]

I can help you out Atreyu. Be forewarned though, that my training is not light. Dave may be harsh with his training, but mine is harsher still.

[Jaguar Love]

That's cool Moridin, no pain no gain I suppose...

[Moridin]

First off, write an intro. Keep in mind the 10 line rule. Once you have an intro and I can see where you're at, we'll go from there. Make it an original one, too. Don't copy and paste an old one.

[Newtype06]

lol, add another to my tally. PSX hasn't posted in forever. Meh, maybe I'm being a little optimistic. He might show up sooner or later

[Xellos]

i'm rough, if not harsher than MSX...

:D

[Moridin]

And not to mention immeasurably more washed up. :P

[Xellos]

washed up? really?

how so

[Moridin]

Give me an hour or two to get an intro up in the old war and I'll show you. :P

[Xellos]

fair nuff but i prolly wont have anything up tonight because in a bit i'm going back out to tinker with my new truck

[Moridin]

It's all good. It'll give you something to think about while you're tinkering and you can start brainstorming.

[Xellos]

brainstorming has been being done all week...

i'm waiting for meaty in our fight over yonder

[Moridin]

Roger that then Mr. David. Consider it done.

[Phoenix]

Requesting a mentor, or I guess you could call it that.

Preferably Moridin, unless you're busy, saw your post in the war and you said you were tough.

[Moridin]

First things first then, since I haven't seen you around C&CW before. How much do you know about rpb?

[Phoenix]

I have passed training under Nimrod in the Jedi Order, if that tells you enough.

Meh, I'm bored so I'll tell you what I remember.

I know the obvious ones, spelling and grammar should be correct, past tense should always be used, I know what each of the numbers in RPB's mean (the 1-1-1- thing), I know to always be detailed, know to not make it one big block, should be lengthy, but not drawn out. Quality is better than quantity, but both used correctly is better.

Here's my bio, I realize it sucks pretty hard and I know I could do better, but this could give you a vague idea for now.

After completing his training as a Padawan he decided to celebrate by going back to his home planet, Forsatia. After all of the frustration and pressure of training he thought he deserved a break from it all.

When he landed his ship, Apollo X, he walks down the metal ramp and takes a deep breath of the fresh air as he stretches his arms. Roan rushes past his ecstatic to get out of the stuffy ship and into the fresh air of his home world. He decides to take a seat on the grassy area in front of his ship, seeing as it is shaded from the sun, which can be a nuisance on this planet.

While he lies there he starts to take in the smells and noises he was quite acquainted to back when he lived there. He remembers the sounds of the plethora of birds and other woodland animals scurrying around on the vast plains beside the forests.

After several minutes of relaxing he whistles for his trusty horse to come back to him so they can explore and see what has changed on Forsatia. He grabs Roan’s neck and swings his leg over, making sure he is balanced. Then he clicks, kicks twice, and says “Canter” to get Roan going at a steady canter so they can survey faster. Deciding to go to the river nearest the plains first he kicks roan on the left side since horse’s have absolutely no feeling in their mane.

Sliding of Roan’s back he kneels down and splashes a few handfuls of water on his face, then takes a sip or two while Roan does the same. He stands up tall beside his stallion, rubbing his smooth neck; he looks down at the river. This river, known as the Kios River, is the main supply of water to the nearby villages. The villages are small and simple, with no major factories, so there is nearly zero pollution in the river.

After watching many fish go by he decides it is time to continue their exploration. Being close to the bridge to cross the river he decides to walk there, with Roan walking by his side as he always does. After crossing the bridge he hops back on Roan and tells him to let loose. He gallops full speed through the open plain, passing many field animals that all seem like a blur to him.

Roan slows down when they get on the path through the dense forest which dominates the planet. As they trot through the forest, he notices all of the native creatures, of which none have changed noticeably. Seeing nothing of interest in the forest he gallops Roan through the path towards the mountains of the planet arriving there shortly.

Looking up at the peaks of the mountains he realizes there is not enough time for him to climb the mountains and explore it today, so he retires to his ship, puts Roan in his compartment, and leaves his home planet. Well, at least for now…

Intro for our battle.

We find our young Jedi contemplating why his master sent him a holopad message to meet him o n Forsatia. All Master Nimrod said was find a spot and wait for me, do not look for me I will find you. Every time he thinks about it he thinks of all the different scenarios that could cause that.

It could be something positive like he wanted to relax and take a break, or he could have been manipulated by the Sith and he will try to kill him. After pondering on the matter he remembers the first day he talked to his Master, Nimrod had said “For your last training exercise you will face me in a one-on-one battle to see if you truly are worth the prestigious title of Jedi Knight”

He looks down at his control panel to his spaceship, Apollo X, and skims through the mass of buttons and switches looking for the one specifically honed in on the position of his home planet. He tries to visit there often so any smart Jedi would think to make a shortcut to save him the trouble of typing in the different coordinates. He presses the button and listens to the control panels’ hard drive making all of the grinding and clicking noises as it processes the information it has been given by its pilot. Once it finished he felts the ship turn 90 degrees and start off in the direction of the planet it was told to fly to.

He turns off the switch for hyper drive so he can go down to Roan’s stable and visit his life long companion. As he walks down he goes into the small room to the right of him that has the refrigerator that has Roan’s grain and a few square bails of hay, which he needs to get more of seeing as his stock is getting kind of low. He picks up the red grain bucket and places it next to the grain refrigerator and takes the grain scoop, bends down, fills it up, and pours the grain into his grain bucket.

Leon hears Roan pawing at the sawdust on his stable floor and yells “Roan stop pawing the grain is coming.” Almost immediately after he tells Roan to stop he hears him whinny, since he can understand him by using the force he knows that Roan asked if he is brining hay too so he answers back “Yes, hay too.” As he walks down the hallway to Roan’s stable he grabs a curvy comb and soft brush from the grooming bucket and continues down the hall to the stable and opens the door and walks in, sitting down on the stool.

He places the bucket of grain next to him along with the hay and watches Roan eat. Leon closes his eyes and leans back and relaxes as he uses the force to talk to Roan without moving his lips. After explaining to Roan what will happen so he will not charge Master Nimrod, Roan lifts his head up and nudges Leon to show that he will obey him unless asked otherwise. Leon opens his eyes, grabs the curvy comb, stands up, and starts to brush circles on Roan’s side.

As he is brushing Roan he feels the ship start to descend down to his home planet to land. As all six feet of him stands up he takes the hood of his black coat and places it over his long black hair that is covering his eyes so only slivers of his hurricane blue eyes can be seen. He then takes the comb and brush and places it in the now empty bucket, grabs the cold metal handle, and walks down to the small room and places the bucket inside. After closing the door he walks down to Roan’s stall and unhooks the door and starts to walk down followed closely by Roan.

Lying down on the grass outside he starts to think of a good place to battle, and the first place that comes to mind is the forest. Of course, the forest, he’s more familiar with it that his Master and that will help make up for the skill level difference. Leon gets up and mounts onto Roan’s back telling him to go to the waterfall that they would always visit to relax.

When they get there he lies back on Roan and waits for his Master to come, thinking of a good battle strategy so he can become a Jedi Knight.

Battle post.

Leon looked his master over thoroughly; he had never seen his master like this, concentrating on Leon’s every move, every breath he makes; every slight motion is monitored by his master. Leon repositioned his hand holding the lightsaber in front of his chest horizontally, this position being Leon’s own hybrid stance, utilizing both attack and defensive advantages.


The winds picked up speed getting anxious for the battle, all of the animals hushed, and it seemed even the waters stopped draping the in the fields surrounding area with silence. Leon closed his eyes and let the Force engulf him with its presence and power. He looked over at Roan as he grazed; oblivious to what was about to happen, it was understandable because he hasn’t had this grade of grass in a while.

“Roan you better run off to the ship, this could get ugly.”

Roan galloped off to the ramp and went inside the ship.

Leon shifted his weight onto his right leg.

“My steed may be afraid of this battle, but I couldn’t be anymore ready for this chance to show you my true skills as a Jedi.”

Nimrod grinned and laughed at his cocky Padawan.

“Leon you are naïve and stubborn, I’ll soon change-“

Nimrod was cut off by Leon, who lunged at Nimrod at full speed, clearly using the Force to boost his agility. Leon stabbed at Nimrod’s midsection with such ferocity his blue lightsaber that it could only be seen as a blur of blue. To counter this attack Nimrod swung his lightsaber and knocked Leon’s saber away from him, trying to catch him off guard Nimrod slashed at Leon’s head. Leon ducked to dodge his Master attack and kicked his Master’s feet out from under him following the sweep up with a slash downward, but the only thing his lightsaber met was the grass and the ground beneath it.

After his attack Leon jumped backwards a few feet to regain his focus and take a short breath, but his break was cut short with a charge directed at his legs from his Master. Leon jumped up seven feet to avoid this attack, he countered with a flat footed kick to Nimrod’s chest knocking him back several feet and almost to the ground. Nimrod caught himself by placing his free hand on the ground and kneeling, he had no time to get up before Leon attacked him again, this time going for the head.

The Jedi Master dropped to the ground and rolled to the right to dodge the would-be lethal attack. He pushed himself up while Leon was regaining his balance from the missed attack and stood straight up and charged at the young Padawan at full speed. Leon back flipped out of the attack and assumed the defensive position with his saber in front of him and his hand at an angle by his side.

“Come and get me, if you think you have what it takes Master.”

Kill post.

Leon stood there as the winds started to die down somehow knowing the battle will end soon, very soon. As his jet black hair started to fall into his line of sight he brushed it behind his ear with his free hand. With his outer cloak settling to a fixed place he reached to his right shoulder and unclipped the cloak that is no longer needed and now just a burden. Once the clip is undone he tossed it a good ways to the right so it will not get in the way of the rest of the battle.

He lifted his head and focused his glare on his Master, now his enemy.

“So tell me more about the fighting style of these Sith you speak of, I have heard some about them but never much detail.”

Nimrod relaxed his stance slightly as he said, “As you have learned first hand my young padawan, they take no mercy and gives no breaks. They will use any means necessary to kill their opponent.”

As Nimrod said this Leon took the chance to secretly signal Roan that it is time to commence their plan. Leon used the force to grasp onto a nearby large sized pebble and held the grasp and continued their conversation.

“Would the Sith kill an innocent baby?” Leon asked.

“Would a lion attack a fallen antelope” Nimrod replied in a sarcastic tone.

“I take that as a yes” As Leon said this he used the force to propel the rock at a speed fast enough to inflict minor damage to his Master’s wrist.

Nimrod switched his saber to his other hand. While he did so, Leon lunged at him using the force to give him an extra boost at push off and jabbed at his head. With Nimrod’s saber coming up to block, Leon dropped down and leg swept Nimrod off his feet, using his extra foot to bounce off of the ground and kicked his dominant hand further damaging the saber wielding ability of that hand.


Leon then slashed at his Master’s abdomen only to be blocked again. Keeping up the flurry of attacks Leon stabbed towards Nimrod’s right shoulder. While Leon jabbed towards the shoulder he sensed Roan getting very close and made one more slash and Nimrod’s legs before jumping back. Barely missing Roan’s charge, he caught himself and went on the attack again. As he expected, Nimrod sensed the attack just as it got dangerously close and evaded the charge, jumping to the left, putting him in the way of Leon’s attack range.

Leon slashed at Nimrod’s neck and stopped it within an inch of the location of his corroded artery. Catching Nimrod off guard was the final result of his long thought, well planned, and perfectly executed plan.

“Master, you have been bested.” Leon said with a satisfied tone to his voice.

I think Nimrod had sent me a PM saying I passed without him having to post his kill.

Hope that helps.

[Underground Man]

Mori is one of the best RPers on the forums. You're in good hands, don't worry. Plus myself and others check this thread often (I'm subscribed, though I don't post often) in case he leaves something out we'll be quick to add to any criticism he offers. And the consensus seems to be that I'm a pretty good RPer as well, so...yeah. You're in good hands. Enjoy training.

[Moridin]

Quick question: Do you have any other characters other than your Jedi character?

[Jaguar Love]

Who knows, perhaps one day there’ll be no destruction. Perhaps one day people are going to realise that fighting gets you no where. Unfortunately people haven’t quite got the picture yet. Wars losing countless lives, you’d think it would be a wake up call for everyone. Apparently not. In times like this, you have to look out for yourself because you won’t talk your way out of trouble. It’s all about the fighting, no one talks, everyone fights.

If you’d seen this kid on the street, you wouldn’t be threatened. His messy blonde hair, barely kept together by a black and white tucker hat resting lightly on the top of his head, slightly askew so it looks “cool”. His white and black baseball t-shirt with the sleeves rolled up to just below his elbows, blue plastic wristband wrapped tightly just above his right hand. His dark drainpipe jeans another accessory for the purpose of looking “emo”. His black and white converse all stars complete the illusion, see this kid and think of just another emo, just another kid who decided to hop on the band wagon.

If you made this assumption then you’d be wrong. People say you can’t judge a book by its cover, and this kid gives that saying a whole new meaning. This kid’s different, so different it’s frightening. You see, this kid’s got powers. Normal people don’t have powers, but he does. Only he doesn’t know the half of them yet…

He first witnessed his powers a few years back…

“Ferris! Help!” the cry came from downstairs, loud and piercing like some kind of screech

Rushing downstairs as fast as his legs would carry him, tripping occasionally on the polished, wooden floor. He hit the stair case at great speed, jumping down four or five steps at a time. He reached the bottom, looking around he tried to find the source of the scream. Worriedly he raced towards the kitchen, perhaps it was there. He made it to the kitchen, looking around he couldn’t see anything. He opened cupboards and threw things around looking for any sign. He found nothing…

“Where are you!” he cried, his voice was loud with anger

Darting through to the next room, the dining room. He pushed chair’s over, knocked a huge table down. He dropped to the ground and began to look under things. But still he found nothing, no sign, no clue to help him. Frantically he stood up and ran towards the garage, smashing the door open he darted inside. Quickly surveying what was in there, he was here. A little kid raced towards him. At the far end of the room there were two tall men, both dressed in all black, each carried a crowbar.

“Who are you?!” Ferris demanded, pointing towards them angrily

The men didn’t answer, they just ran towards Ferris, crowbars raised. The first man jumped for him, swinging the bar, it missed. The man went headfirst into the ground, dropping his weapon. The other man tried a different approach, he ran up to him swinging with his crowbar. Ferris tried to run back towards the door, but the other man was now blocking the way. They were pinned in, with no way to escape.

It was then that Ferris’ powers first appeared. With no chance of escape the two of them would most likely have been killed. Ferris’ hands began to be covered with a black mist, the room suddenly got lighter. All the shadow in the room had moved towards him. Now all the shadows of the house were moving in. The lights flickered, electronics did the same. The house began to shake. Then the man guarding the door was raised into the air by a podium of shadows. He was thrown away like a toy, smashing into the far wall, he fell to the ground. The other man stared, unblinking at Ferris. Ferris moved his right hand and the shadows jumped off and then moved together to create almost a beam. It struck the man in the chest. He was thrown towards the large metal door, it didn’t stop him. He smashed threw the door and fell onto the grass outside. The shadows disappeared and returned to where they should be, and Ferris sat down on the ground, amazed at what had just transpired…

From then on things changed, when his parents heard what happened they were amazed. He was on the news, in the papers. But he didn’t think what happened was all that great, he wasn’t normal. And now everybody knew…

It’s tough when things go wrong, here he was, living a normal life like a normal person. Then this happens. Suddenly things aren’t so great, people started avoiding him because they were scared. And Frankly they had a point, he didn’t really know how to control his powers. Who knows, he could accidently do to them what he did to those burglars. He couldn’t take that chance, absolutely not. So he decided to shut himself off from the world, keep out of everyone’s way, all the time…then he couldn’t hurt anybody…

It was only a matter of time before he decided something had to be done. He left his house, determined to find out something about his powers. Were there others like him? Was there someone who could help? He didn’t know, but the only thing he knew was that you can only depend on yourself. So that’s what he was doing, looking after himself. Trying to find anything that could help him figure out why he could control shadows. That’s how he ended up here, facing this guy, someone who apparently took offence to the fact he hated his powers. This guy had them too, different powers though. Apparently he thought normal people were inferior, and if you had powers and you hated them, you were just as bad.

So it shouldn’t have gone this far, Ferris didn’t want a fight. He hadn’t been out looking for a fight, but somehow he had ended up with one anyway. So putting his hands by his sides and controlling the shadows he prepared himself, prepared to fight this guy.

“You must die like all the humans!” the man cried angrily

“Whatever…” Ferris replied, half-hearted as was his nature

OOC: There you go Moridin

[Moridin]

I'm headed to bed at the moment. It's already 2254 here and I have to be up at 0600 for another 12 hour shift from 0730-1930. I have a print-out copy though so I'll peruse over it before I knock out. I'll let you know what I've got for you come morning. Expect a response roughly 11-12 hours from now.

[Phoenix]

Quick question: Do you have any other characters other than your Jedi character?

I'm making up a new character, more specific a Hashshashin. I have ideas in my head right now but havn't put anything down on paper or in my computer.

[Moridin]

More specifically, do you have a character which is not based on a book or movie or anything else?

[Newtype06]

Fenix did you go by a different name? You seem familiar

[Phoenix]

More specifically, do you have a character which is not based on a book or movie or anything else?

Not really. But isn't every character based on something you've read, seen or heard in some shape or form?


Fenix did you go by a different name? You seem familiar

WhyHateJustEnvy & Starseed.

[Xellos]

But isn't every character based on something you've read, seen or heard in some shape or form?


nope. originality is part of this creative process... my characters are all just from drawn up versions of things i see in my mind, but does that count as what i've seen, heard, or read?

[Phoenix]

Does he have any type or weapon? And did you just completely make it up without ANY help from outside sources? I think not.

Atleast, if not more, one thing that we have seen/heard/read affects how we think and what we think up subliminaly, and you cannot argue that, sorry :-\

you cannot argue against that*

no editing sucks :(

[Underground Man]

I do have to agree, all characters come for some form of media...though they've surely been shaped to your liking, but you're influenced.

[Moridin]

I should have worded that differently. Your character is based off a template. He is a Jedi. As such, his actions, weapon, etc. are all based off a pre-designed way of thinking. You can tweak and tune a bit but in the end you are limited with what you can do with him. Try to develop a character from scratch. Just start with the basics, such as clothing, hair color, eye color, build, age, race, etc. Get your basics and then pull it all together.

Atreyu- Sorry I haven't gotten anything up about your intro. It's been a long day and I've a killer headache right now. It's already 2115 but I have a few things to do that are going to keep me awake before I can turn to for the night, so I promise to get something up before I go to sleep.

[Newtype06]

Mori, its up to you, but I can take one of these guys off your hands. It looks like I scared PSX away, so I'm all by my lonesome again...

Anyways, its your decision.

[Double Agent]

Reporting here as Hero of Time told me. I am requesting a master.

[Underground Man]

One of these guys will take you under their wing. And several others of us just read the posts and comment as we see fit. But I'll start things off.

I will assume you have a basic understanding of an RPB, how it is done, etc. If I am wrong in this assumption stop me here.

If I am correct in that assumption, tell me this: What are your strengths, and what are your weaknesses? For example: I am particularly good at describing environments and surroundings. I am also good at coming up with creative "moves" during fights, be it for my character or my opponents. I'm usually pretty good at having "cool" "scenes" in my fights. If you can follow all of my quotations.

EDIT: Just realized that I didn't list any weaknesses of mine. That's probably because there aren't any. Just kidding. I'm not very good at keeping the fight fresh. Some people are good at having "twists" and such in their fights, I'm not. My posts get monotonous, and I know this. I usually have about one good idea per post, and the rest of my post is just filler. This isn't a good thing.

[Double Agent]

Yes I was trained by Newtype, Dave if I might call him like that, in the Sith Academy. So yes, I do know what an RPB is.

My strengths are that I always come up with new and original ideas. My weaknesses are the detail kind of thing. Envirornments and somewhat moves. But I do sometimes have a spectacular idea and I write it down immediately. That's pretty much it, I write in Word so I don't have any grammar problems, so yeah, that's pretty much it. :P

[Underground Man]

Ah, alright then. Well then why don't you write me up an intro, and play to your strengths and crutch your weaknesses. What I mean by this is: give yourself as much help as you can. If you're aren't very good at describing details (which is a crucial part of RPing), then make the location of your battle somewhere easy for you to describe.

This is a bit easier said than done, of course, but try it. I'll critique your post, but make me an intro in which you pay as much attention to detail as you can.

[Double Agent]

The Training Simulator was creating the next location Palancar would visit and fight his new master. He was amazed of the simplistic choice the computer had taken. An empty, white room. Yet something felt strange about it. Suddenly, pillars began appearing, brown wooden pillars. They were placing themselves as if in order to support a platform. The platform, however, was missing. He was instantly thrown in the air and on the wooden floor he had stood a few seconds ago, more pillars had appeared. The environment had completely changed; the floor had disappeared and the light had vanished. Palancar was floating in mid air, in complete darkness.

Light was beginning to appear and before Palancar would understand the environment, he began falling. Under him, the same brown, wooden pillars were standing in mid air. The only thing under them was complete darkness. Using his acrobatic skills, Palancar landed on one of the pillars. Only then did he observe the environment. He was standing among about a hundred pillars that were encircling him. A light that seemed to be coming from above illuminated the pillars. The source was not visible. The surrounding environment was plain black. The only weapons Palancar had were his mind and acrobatic skills, nothing more or less. His master was to show himself in the next few moments…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I gave my best... :)

[Underground Man]

Yikes...this is what I meant about playing to your strengths. If you aren't good at describing detail, and you KNOW you aren't good at describing detail, why would you write yourself into a corner like you just did?

When your options are limitless, why not put yourself in the middle of a lush rainforest, a location that even an unskilled writer could spend paragraphs describing? No white rooms and padded floors, really experiment with some environments and the like.

But aside from your choice of environment, lets look at the rest of the post. "Using his acrobatic skills, Palancar landed on one of the pillars." This line in particular stood out to me, because its just...gotta go. There are several things wrong with it. First of all, your character was free falling. No amount of acrobatic skill would help you in that situation.

Let me try this...I'll just quote your post, and add in questions that you should have answered in the post. My questions and comments are in bold.

The Training Simulator was creating the next location Palancar would visit and fight his new master Where is this training simulator? Who is this new master? Who is Palancar and what does he look like?. He was amazed of the simplistic choice the computer had taken. An empty, white room. Yet something felt strange about it You had me interested at this point. Your character's uncertainty is a great tool to use in an RP, as is any emotion. Our goal is to make the referee like our character. To do that we need to make sure the referee can identify with our character. Emotions and feelings help that.. Suddenly, pillars began appearing, brown wooden pillars. Appearing? As in materializing out of thin air? Shooting up from the ground? Describe this better. They were placing themselves as if in order to support a platform. The platform, however, was missing. He was instantly thrown in the air and on the wooden floor he had stood a few seconds ago, more pillars had appeared. This is a run on sentence. You have two ideas in one sentence. Palancar was thrown up. By what? More pillars have appeared on the wooden floor. When did the floor become wooden? Last I read it was an empty white room, with brown pillars. The environment had completely changed; the floor had disappeared and the light had vanished. Palancar was floating in mid air, in complete darkness. I'm confused at this point. It seems like maybe you should have been floating in darkness before all of this stuff started happening. You can't say that brown wooden pillars were shooting up all around you if it was completely dark. Aside from continuity problems, this sentence is okay. Move it to before you started describing all of these pillars appearing.

Light was beginning to appear and before Palancar would understand the environment, he began falling.Likewise. Move this to the beginning of the post, right after the last sentence, before stuff started happening. Under him, the same brown, wooden pillars were standing in mid air. The only thing under them was complete darkness. Using his acrobatic skills, Palancar landed on one of the pillars. This is a really horrible sentence. If the floor just...disappeared, you wouldn't be able to get on top of one of the pillars. If that's where you want to take this fight, explain it better. Maybe Palancar jumped on top of one of the pillars when they first started appearing, in order to get a better vantage point of the room? Just an idea Only then did he observe the environment. He was standing among about a hundred pillars that were encircling him. A light that seemed to be coming from above illuminated the pillars. The source was not visible. How bright is this light? Dim? Brilliant? Set the mood. The surrounding environment was plain black. The only weapons Palancar had were his mind and acrobatic skills, nothing more or less. His master was to show himself in the next few moments…I'm just going to rewrite these last two sentences for you, so you can see how I would have worded the idea that you had: "Outside of the illuminated circle in which Palancar stood, the black expanse stretched on endlessly. Palancar perched, alone and weaponless, on his pillar, waiting for his mentor to show himself." Not award winning, but its an improvement, right?

Now. Rewrite that post. Answer all of my questions. Don't use my sentence word for word, take your idea and do like I did - expound upon it.

We'll work on your post first, perfect it (or get it at least to where it is acceptable). Then we'll continue.

[Double Agent]

The Training Simulator was creating the next location Palancar would visit and fight his new master. The identity of his new master was unknown, yet the Diablos had promised a skillful master who would break him down and build him from scratch. Located in the Diablos Headquarters, The AI, the name the Diablos had given the Simulator, had the reputation of giving surprising environments.

Palancar, the newest member of the Diablos, was a sturdy man in his early thirties. His speed and power had brought him an invitation to the Diablos. In this moment, he was wearing the robe a Diablo had given him. Black, long and heavy, it was made to be difficult for the wearer to move and fight. What made Palancar anxious, was that his flawless katana was not with him. It had not been allowed.

He was amazed of the simplistic choice the computer had taken. An empty, white room. Yet something felt strange about it. Suddenly, pillars began appearing, brown wooden pillars. They were shooting out from corners of the room and were placing themselves as if in order to support a platform. The platform, however, was missing. He was instantly thrown in the air by an invisible hand. A godly force stopped him in mid air. Where he had stood, more pillars had appeared. The walls were disappearing, floor as well, yet the pillars remained immobile. Palancar was amazed of the technology the earth had developed.

He began floating and slowly, landed on one of the pillars. The only thing under them was complete darkness. He began observing the environment. He was standing among about a hundred pillars that were encircling him. A light that seemed to be coming from above illuminated the pillars. The power and intensity of the light blinded him for a few moments. The source was not visible. The blackness outside the light was overwhelming and limitless. Weaponless, Palancar lightly crouched his knees, preparing for battle. His only weapons were his mind and body, nothing more, nothing less…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now that I think about it, I didn't gave my best in my last post.
I tried improvising with the ideas you gave me, you see the result. Hope it's acceptable. If it needs improvisation, don't move on, I want to perfect it.

[Xellos]

however, i try to stay away from the media...

but i cant argue it

[Moridin]

Newtype, you can take Mike if you want. I'll work with Atreyu.

[Double Agent]

Have I been forgotten already or what? I want to get my training underway.

[Sekhmet]

You haven't been forgotten... Dave is in college and Josh is in the navy and underway

[Ultimate Chaos]

Just be a bit patient. It takes a day or two for these guys to respond. Life is hectic.

[Double Agent]

Ok... I'm just eager to write... *sits and waits PATIENTLY for HoT*

[Underground Man]

Have I been forgotten already or what? I want to get my training underway.

No no, I actually already critiqued your post and everything, but my computer crashed and I lost it all. Argh. But I've been sick the past couple days, and haven't had the energy to pound out anything longer than a few sentences. I'll try to finish it up tonight.

[Double Agent]

Thanks for your immediate application. Sekhmet said Dave and Josh. I suspect you are Josh?

[Underground Man]

No, I'm Lance. Dave is Xellos and Josh is Moridin. Sekhmet doesn't know what she's talking about :P

Now that I think about it, I didn't gave my best in my last post.
I tried improvising with the ideas you gave me, you see the result. Hope it's acceptable. If it needs improvisation, don't move on, I want to perfect it.

Let me start off by saying how much of an improvement your revised post is over the first. Your first post was, to put it harshly, quite bad. But just a little bit of extra effort and you were able to turn it into a good RP post. Not great, mind you, but good. I can continue helping you like this, teaching you to create good RPs, but I can't teach greatness. That's something you'll have to learn on your own.

That said, this post could still use a bit of fine tuning. Just a bit. The first post of a fight is called an "Intro" that being short for "Introduction". You introduced the battle's setting quite well. But your character is still little more than a name.

Same idea as before, I'll just go through your post and ask some questions, make some comments, and the like.

Oh, and one thing that I will say here. Your extent of RPBing has been primarily in the Sith Academy. A completely different clan than the Diablos, we have very different styles. The "setting" of the Diablos would be in a world without much technology. For that reason the idea of a computer in the Diablo Headquarters would be preposterous. This isn't a big deal, as there is no way you could have known this. I didn't even bother telling you in your last post, simply because it is so trivial. But for future reference, its best to have some background info about the subject which you are RPing. You throwing a computer into the Diablos Headquarters makes your post seem a tad awkward, just because myself and everyone else have a mental idea of the Diablos. Don't bother changing anything about the post, I just felt I should tell you.

The Training Simulator was creating the next location Palancar would visit and fight his new master. The identity of his new master was unknown, yet the Diablos had promised a skillful master who would break him down and build him from scratch. Located in the Diablos Headquarters, The AI, the name the Diablos had given the Simulator, had the reputation of giving surprising environments. You used the words "Diablos" and "master" a lot in this paragraph. Remember, one of the most important things in RPing is making your post flow. Sure, its nit-picky, but nonetheless important to RPing. Perhaps something like "Located deep within the group's headquarters..." and "the name the warriors had given the simulator" would make it sound better. I'll let you work with it. But whatever you do, don't change the part "had the reputation of giving surprising environments". That's a really good sentence.

Palancar, the newest member of the Diablos, was a sturdy man in his early thirties. His speed and power had brought him an invitation to the Diablos. In this moment, he was wearing the robe a Diablo had given him. Black, long and heavy, it was made to be difficult for the wearer to move and fight. What made Palancar anxious, was that his flawless katana was not with him small grammatical error...that comma is unnecessary. Or you could say "what made Palancar anxious, however, was that..." but as it stands, take out the comma.. It had not been allowed. "His speed and power had brought him an invitation to the Diablos." I like that sentence also. It sounds good. However, this is your Intro, and you need to spend a bit more time on your character. What does Palancar look like? Where is he from? What type of person is he? This is your one chance to introduce your character. Go all out.

He was amazed of the simplistic choice the computer had taken. An empty, white room. Yet something felt strange about it. Suddenly, pillars began appearing, brown wooden pillars. They were shooting out from corners of the room and were placing themselves as if in order to support a platform Nit-picky, but you've got a few too many short sentences. Try combining some of them, like "Suddenly, pillars began appearing, brown wooden pillars, shoorting out from the corners of the room and placing themselves as if to support a platform". The platform, however, was missing. He was instantly thrown in the air by an invisible hand. A godly force stopped him in mid air "A godly force" - that sounds good, but I don't like the "invisible hand" phrase. I would have said something like "A godly force heaved him into the air, holding him suspended and helpless there".. Where he had stood, more pillars had appeared This sentence sounds awkward, and I'm not sure how I'd go about fixing it. Work with it.. The walls were disappearing, floor as well, yet the pillars remained immobile. Palancar was amazed of the technology the earth had developed.

He began floating and slowly, landed on one of the pillarsI would have said "The same might that had so ferociously jerked Palancar into the air set him down on a pillar just as gently.". The only thing under them was complete darkness. He began observing the environment. He was standing among about a hundred pillars that were encircling him. A light that seemed to be coming from above illuminated the pillars. The power and intensity of the light blinded him for a few moments. The source was not visible. The blackness outside the light was overwhelming and limitlessThat's a good sentence. Overwhelming and limitless, nice word choice.. Weaponless, Palancar lightly crouched his knees, preparing for battle. His only weapons were his mind and body, nothing more, nothing less…How big are all of these pillars? Large enough for two people to fight on? How spaced apart are they? Close enough to jump to and from? You've gotta take your oppurtunity, and REALLY describe the setting.

Okay, there you go. A lot of that is opinion, which you can take or leave. Work with what I said and suggested.

[Moridin]

You can call me Mori or Josh. A few of the people in my shop who like to read the rpbs on here have started calling me Mori now. :D

[ChipperJones]

Boom. I'm here, train me nukkas.

[Underground Man]

I'm busy with Eragon, Newtype is training Marcus, and Mori is training Atreyu at the moment. Lemme see if I can get somebody else in here to help you out.

[Ultimate Chaos]

I'd help, but I don't think I have the same talent for teaching as you do Lance. I'm one of those guys who tries to explain things, and what would take a minute to explain would take me 10 lol.

[Underground Man]

I'd be more than willing to let you train Chipper. You know what you're doing. And we can all help each other out and cross-train. That would probably be the easiest way to go about this.

Mori, we're getting pretty close to a split in here, if you think about it, can you go ahead and ninja one of my posts to use as the first post? I'd appreciate it. Might as well set up some rules and guidelines for the Training Topic, since it seems to be getting popular.

[Phoenix]

Sorry, I havn't been working on my assignment cause I've got some problems, well, girl problems, so I'm sure you guys would understand the priority shift, lol.

It's looking better though so if all goes well I'll get the post up one night :)

[Moridin]

Lance, just make the first post in here and I'll split it to the new thread.

[Sekhmet]

Sorry, I havn't been working on my assignment cause I've got some problems, well, girl problems, so I'm sure you guys would understand the priority shift, lol.

It's looking better though so if all goes well I'll get the post up one night :)
sorry but only "girl problems" I understand would be dealing with the female cycle... seeing as I'm a "girl". I understand "boy problems" bit however...

[ChipperJones]

Give me a task UC. Nukka!

:D

and rp in FEC

[Ultimate Chaos]

lol, yea I need to rescue the FEC, it's in a real RP slump right now. I'll prolly get a lengthy one up soon, now that we fixed up those sub plots. and lol, I thought you RP pretty decent from what I last saw. though if you wanna be like me Zeld and Shiven...I guess I could take a crack at teaching...lemme just get some teaching tips from Lance first lol

[ChipperJones]

I don't wanna be bannzord like Steve :D

[Ultimate Chaos]

Well, I'll try and bring you to my level, but like HoT said, grweatness can really only be self taught. Though I'll try and guide you along the way.

bannzord? wtf?

well, anywayz, lets not spam this topic too much, ill post a little later with your first assignment.