"so sit back and relax for tonight Perfection is Personified" M.H. at Revival

[Marty!]

After the opening here at PPW Revival, you are taken to a room in the back and the lights are off.

Perfection……

The voice trails off. The crowd is bewildered as what is going on.

Perfection….

The voice again trails off.

I am perfection.

The lights suddenly turn on to reveal what looks to be a man who is drenched in sweat. His hair is wet and he is sitting down holding a towel.

Haynes
Perfection is something that people dismiss as impossible. People say you are never truly perfect. All of you people out there think perfection is a figment of your imagination. I am the proof that all you have heard is bullsh*t.

He wipes is forehead with the towel.

Tonight here at Revival your Imagination comes true, so sit back and relax for tonight..........
Perfection is Personified.

The lights turn off and the crowd is left in awe.

/fin/

Short, sweet, and to the point. OOC’s welcome.

[Dean]

I thought this was nice. You could touch up the grammar a tad, and you used second-person instead of third-person in the beginning, but then switched to third-person toward the end with the crowd as your audience instead of the reader.

Most e-fedders generally use third-person unless they're trying to do something personal or one-on-one with the reader. Overall, though, I thought it was a good debut promo, and I'm glad to see that your overall basic grammar is pretty good.

A lot of newer RP'ers have trouble in that department, but it seems that you just need to tweak it a bit and you'll be just fine.

Good stuff.