Sith Academy Traning Thread (SPLIT/CLOSED)

[Newtype06]

yeah the basics are just fine. Don't worry about them. Move on to your description and bio. use the first bio you wrote, just spruce it up a little. The description was good too, just don't let the commas get outta hand. I tried to place some periods in your description, just look at my last post.Type everything in Word, spell/grammar check it, then paste it in here.

[Xellos]

SPLIT (http://forums.gamewinners.com/forums/showthread.php?t=470080)

[InvisibleFear]

Description: 6' tall, blue eyes, brown hair and a nice lightsaber on his belt.

Bio: Crow was born on Coruscant but at the age of 5, his parents gave him away to the Jedi Order for an unknown reason. There he grew up learning the ways of a Jedi and at the age of 18 he was granted a light saber. He was amazed because the light saber fitted perfectly in his hand. In that same night he had a terrible yet powerful dream. He was seeing himself as a Sith Lord slaughtering people. When he woke up, he was called by the Jedi Order and told that he would have to leave. Crow asked for a reason but the Order didn't give him an answer. He left Dantooine and was headed for Nar Shadaa to find refuge between the refugees there. On the way there he was shot down and almost died when a Dark Jedi found him and saved his life, seeing that he possessed great potential. The Jedi trained him in the dark side of the Force and left saying that he would wait him on Korriban. Crow left for Korriban in hoping to be accepted in the Sith Academy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you like it.

[Newtype06]

Description: 6' tall, blue eyes, brown hair and a nice lightsaber on his belt.

Bio: Crow was born on Coruscant but at the age of five, his parents gave him away to the Jedi Order for an unknown reason. There he grew up learning the ways of a Jedi and at the age of eighteen he was granted a light saber. He was amazed because the light saber fitted perfectly in his hand. In that same night he had a terrible yet powerful dream. He was seeing himself as a Sith Lord slaughtering people. When he woke up, he was called by the Jedi Order and told that he would have to leave. Crow asked for a reason but the Order didn't give him an answer. He left Coruscant (The Jedi Temple is on Coruscant in our time line) and was headed for Nar Shadaa to find refuge between the refugees there. On the way there he was shot down and almost died when a Dark Jedi found him and saved his life, seeing that he possessed great potential. The Jedi trained him in the dark side of the Force and left saying that he would wait him on Dantooine (Sith academy is on Dantooine). Crow left for Dantooine in hopes of being accepted in the Sith Academy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you like it.

Ok, aside from the errors in location the story is good. Watch out for comma usage. There are some places in there were they could be used. However, this did not spoil the story in any ways. It was still quite "readable".

I'll accept it. Excellent improvement from last time.Your next task is to intro your character into the Sith Academy. Write an Rp about finding the SA, and about me taking you on as my apprentice. Feel free to include anything as long as it isn't ridiculous.

If that dark Jedi is supposed to be me, than look in the bio thread for a description, or go to starwars.com/databanks and look up Plo Koon. Take the pic you get for him and think "more sith-like". If he isn't me, then give a reason in your intro why he isn't training you. Remember, Sith are passionate people. You gotta be kinda angry at the world to be a sith. Be sure to include this feeling in your rp.

My golden rule for RPs is this : Show, Dont Tell.

Now go get em.:zap:

[elven_Archer]

Ok, so I need a master to train me in how to Rp...

I kinda know what an RP is from reading everyone else's but I have never written one. However, I am a pretty good writer and I do like writing.

[Sirithe]

Allright, I'll train you.
First make an RP post, following how others look not how theirs are written but the format. About how you discovered the Force and Joined the Sith. I'll read it and see what needs work...
Annnnnnd go!

[elven_Archer]

Kainin sat on a rocky hill just outside of a Corellian used ship lot. He ran his hands through his dirty blonde hair and looked up at the sky. The sun was shining brightly and it was about noon. The fifteen-year-old would be going with his father soon, to learn how to fly.

Kainin was a natural at flying. He always knew what to do and what was about to happen just before he executed a maneuver. He practiced non-stop for months, trying to learn how to become one of the best pilots on Corellia.

At the age of 17, Kainin began to wonder about how he always knew what was about to happen. His hands just glided to the different controls, without him even thinking about it. The young man began to research about this...power, to see what he could do with it and what it really was. When he finally discovered that his power, he felt like smacking himself in the head.

Kainin could use the Force. He had heard about what it was but had never seen someone use it or use it himself, for that matter. He knew that the Jedi Knights used the force, but they were narrow minded and too concerned with doing the right thing and being...proper citizens.

The young man decided that the life of a Sith was much more suited for his personality and lifestyle. Kainin practiced doing different things with the force. He could slightly move small objects and sometimes hear what people were thinking.

When Kainin had taught himself all that he could, he set out to find the Sith....

At the age of 18, Kainin began wandering through the local bars, keeping his ears–and mind–open for any sign of the Sith. After a month, his hard work payed off.

Kainin heard a rumor about the Sith hiding on the remote planet of Dantooine. He had only heard of this planet once but he knew where it was. This was when Kainin was officially engulfed by the dark side of the Force.

It was a warm, yet dark, night on Corellia. Kainin snuck into a Corellian ship retailer store and quickly made his way to a modified Z-95 Headhunter. The heavily modified ship contained fire power over 3 times more powerful then that of a usual ship of that size. The all black ship had stronger lasers on the two wings protruding from the bullet-shaped base and 2 pairs of concussion missile launchers hidden in the front and the back of the ship. The ship also had an updated hyperdrive for travel in hyperspace.

Kainin crept into the ship and just as he was about to take off, remembered one other thing. He ran over to the empty, main building and gathered a cart-full of missiles. He took off and left his home-planet behind, in search of the life of a Sith.

Kainin landed on Dantooine and discovered the incredible Sith temples that were scattered across the fields. This is where he met his master, Lord Sirithe, who taught him how to use the Force and become a powerful Sith.

[Pontus]

Hey, the knew guy can write! This reminds me of when I trained newtype. He was a n00b but he sure could write! :^:

[Newtype06]

Yeah the kids good.

I have but one piece of advice, one that the two of you seem to understand in a rudimentary sense. Show, don't Tell. Thats the golden rule boyos. Other than that, be sure to Italicize any ship names, and to also italicize any thoughts that you might incorporate. I use italics a lot in my Rps so I can get into my character's thoughts.

Welcome aboard

[Sirithe]

I could have sworn I posted this earlier.
Post your ideal battleground, long and detailed. Weather, Temperature, and animals that kind of stuff..
Annnnnnnnnnnd go!

[CrazyHobo]

yea the new guy can write o and BE heres my RPB

------------------------------------------------

Dakil burned with anger and hatred even though he new the ways of the Sith quite well he was still furious. Dakil unhooked and activated his lightsaber from his belt right as Maxwell swung his silver lightsaber down with a ferocious blow to Dakil’s head, which he easily blocked. Maxwell then swung his lightsaber for Dakil’s feet. Dakil leaped above the saber and chopped for Maxwell’s head, Maxwell swung his saber up to parry the blow which he did with ease. Maxwell then stabbed for his chest, Dakil propelled himself back with the force to avoid the blow. As soon as Dakil’s feet touched the ground Maxwell ran at him and attacked with a flurry of complex blows. Dakil parried all of the attacks stepping back because of the force of the blows. Dakil then noticed a medium sized crate twenty feet from him he taped into the force and threw it a Maxwell at a very high rate of speed.

Just when the crate was about to hit Maxwell in the head it stopped an inch away from his head. Maxwell then proceeded to through it back at Dakil. Dakil easily sidestepped the crate and it smashed into a wooden door leaving a good sized dent. He wasted no time with the crate and lunged at Maxwell’s chest. Maxwell leaped high into the air and flew back down arm outstretched lightsaber aimed at Dakil. Dakil quickly rolled out of the way as Maxwell’s lightsaber his the ground. Dakil immediately was on the offensive and chopped for Maxwell’s head Maxwell parried with ease. Dakil took the opportunity wile their sabers were still in contact he kicked Maxwell squarely in the gut. He then went for a stab at Maxwell’s throat, Maxwell barley had time to parry but his lightsaber came up in time to block the attack. Dakil then slashed for Maxwell’s head three times then slashed for his legs then chest. Maxwell blocked them all and then Dakil pressed on with the attack with a series of jabs, slashes, and chops pushing them into the docking bay.

There were a few people in the docking bay but as soon as they saw the clashing lightsabers they ran out. Dakil lunged for Maxwell’s chest but Maxwell’s saber met his. I can’t be bested by an eighteen year old. Dakil chopped for Maxwell’s side but it was blocked. Maxwell turned to thee attack jabbing at Dakil, Dakil easily blocked the jabs seeing that there was sweat around his brow and his attacks were weaker. Maxwell resumed the attack slashing a Dakil’s feet. Dakil blocked the attack and immediately as their lightsabers touched Maxwell swung up at Dakil’s head and Dakil blocked the attack and stabbed for Maxwell’s arm. Maxwell parried and resumed his attack Maxwell executed a long combination of stabs, jabs, slashes, lunges, and chops Dakil barley blocked the combo and then started on the attack. He lunged at Maxwell and his attack was easily parried he then tried to swoop kick Maxwell but he jumped above Dakil’s leg. Maxwell tried to chop Dakil’s leg off but he moved his leg out of the way and pushed himself to his feet. Rage boiled up in him and he attacked with all his strength and rage slashing, stabbing, jabbing, and chopping. Maxwell had a hard time blocking the attacks. Dakil continued hacking away at Maxwell’s defenses. Just as Dakil thought he was about to win lightning shot from Maxwell’s hands and smashed into Dakil sending him flying into a wall. Dakil stumbled up his cloak smoking and his lightsaber flew into his hand he activated it just in time to block a slash from Maxwell.

Maxwell began to attack Dakil when Dakil muttered,

“Two can play at that game” and lightning flew from Dakil’s hands and collided with Maxwell sending him sprawling to the ground. Dakil stopped the flow of lightning and charged at Maxwell, Maxwell flipped up from the ground and blocked Dakil’s attack. Dakil started to attack with a flurry of attacks at his chest, arms, hands, head, and legs. He started a different combination of attacks ranging from chops to Maxwell’s head and lunges to his arm. Dakil kept a steady stream of attacks going for a wile then Maxwell counter attacked a jab and began a hard attack on Dakil’s defenses. Dakil blocked attack after attack that was thrown at him, Dakil did start to become tired but still blocked Maxwell’s attacks. Maxwell began attacking Dakil’s legs only but the swung up for his head. Maxwell continued attacking with flurries of complex moves like jab like chops and a number of other things. Dakil continued taking attacks from Maxwell searching for a falter in his attacks. He concentrated on finding a way to get past his defenses but he wasn’t seeing any. Then he saw a slight fault in one of his attacks and chopped Maxwell’s hand off. Dakil watched Maxwell’s lightsaber fall and then cut him in half. Dakil walked away as the two halves of Maxwell fell to the ground, returned to his ship and plotted a corse for Dantoine....

[elven_Archer]

Kainin piloted his Z-95 Headhunter through the heavy traffic just outside of his home planet, Corellia. It had been years since he had returned to the large planet. As he pulled down into the atmosphere he could see all of the forests and plains that were scattered between the major cities and the ship yards inside of them.

The young Sith soared through the air just like the first time he had flown his trusted ship. Kainin brought it into a tight maneuver and spiraled down towards the ground. He pulled up just in time to flip over and into the sky, barely missing the ground below him.

Kainin activated his stabilizers and slowly floated down towards the plain beneath him. The 3 legs on his craft came out from the bow and wings as he touched down, gently on the grass. He pressed a button on the control panel and the cockpit hissed open, letting the contained atmosphere inside out.

It was a warm afternoon. The sun was high in the sky and there was a steady breeze that blew across the grasses. There was a small lake nearly 50 meters away. Kainin could sense the fish using the Force and see the ducks swimming and flying around.

A small pack of koriena appeared from the edge of the forest. The wolf-like creatures stayed low in the grass, obviously hunting something. The leader of the pack leapt at something hidden in the grass and came up with a rodent in its mouth. The other members of the pack began fighting over who would eat it. The pack leader killed one of the other males and the koriena backed down.

Storms were brewing in the distance. Although it was a moderately hot and sunny day, the storm would hit within a couple of hours.

Kainin went back to his ship and sat up against the foot protruding from the bow. He leaned back and relaxed for the first time since his rigorous training had begun. Hopefully, all of the hard work would pay off when he became a well known and feared Sith Knight.

[Sirithe]

Well sh!t, we have a mind reader here! I was going to tell you to intro yourself in there but you did it. I'll put my part up sometime tomarrow then you can do your final part.

[CrazyHobo]

comments anyone on my RP?

[elven_Archer]

Mind reader? So we are having a battle right? That was my intro so then you intro and attack? Then I kill, right?

[InvisibleFear]

Crow arrived on Dantooine and was headed to the SA when suddenly he sees the dark jedi watching him and observing him. Crow continues his road ignoring the jedi. At the academy gates he meets the dark jedi and he is told that he could not be trained by him but he would be only accepted into the academy.........well anyways Crow was assigned to a master named Newtype06 and NT started training him. From time to time the dark jedi visited Crow interested in his evolution. One day though Crow was told that to be a sith he would have to kill with cold blood. A prisoner was brought in the chamber that was hurt and could barely move, Crow had to kill him. What would be his choice? Become a REAL sith or leave from the academy. His choice was simple: with a real passionate heart he cut the flesh of the prisoner and decapitated him. Like this he was ready for something much more special reserved for him. Fighting a real jedi: the dark jedi that saved his life. Crow thought that it would be impossible but he was wrong, he didn't know his true power. It was a very hard fight but with each light saber strike Crow was becoming stronger, in the end the dark jedi fell to the ground and very slowly Crow killed him. NT was extremly proud and said that soon Crow would be sonn accepted as a full Sith.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sorry for missing NT but my internet was cut off. Now im back.
Hope you like it!

[Newtype06]

WOW

Hmm....

FAIL FAIL FAIL!!!!

Holy cow man... Several problems
1. You never refer to us by our forum names (newtype06, etc.). We are adressed in rps by our rp names (Skyr Valatos, Maxwell, etc. See the bio section on the main SA page for info).

2. I want no abreviations. None of that "SA" crap. You will write Sith Academy every time until it is burned into your fingers.

3. Verb usage. Writing an RP in the present tense is extremely diffucult and akward. I suggest writing it in the past tense (crow walked, crow ran). Also, if you are going to use two verbs in one sentence they must agree with each other.

Ex.- Sentence #1 : Crow arrived on Dantooine and was headed to the SA when suddenly he sees the dark jedi watching him and observing him.

You need to write either totally in the past, or totally in the future.

4. "With a real passionate heart?" Gimme a break. I want a serious emotion. I want a drive to dominate, or a sadistic mind. You are taking a tacky and easy way out.


I want this thing scrapped and retooled from the ground up. Write all your RPs in a microsoft word document, and set your grammar and spell check to the highest levels you can.

[Mr. Blue!]

Wow... I thought you were training him, not trying to get him to cut his wrists. You know, I never use Word to type my RP's, and they're just fine. Of course, I have no access to Word. Good job Newtype.

[Newtype06]

Yeah Im usually a nice guy, but I can be a real hard@ss when I get down to it. Anyways, I have faith in Invisible. Every time I tear him apart he comes back stronger than before.

And about the word stuff, eventually I'm gonna wean him off of it.

[Pontus]

I ALWAYS use word. It catches all my errors and makes my RPs much better. Plus I usually like to write as close to one page as possible.

[InvisibleFear]

Crow landed on Dantooine and began scouting the area. He saw many wild beasts and also many Sith apprentices training. After he was done, he headed to the Sith Academy when suddenly he saw the dark Jedi observing him. Crow did nothing, he continued his way. He arrived at the Sith Academy gates, where the Dark Jedi was expecting him. Crow went up to the gate and the dark Jedi said that he could not train him but a master, a very severe one, was waiting him in the academy. Crow entered the academy and felt the great Force in that place. His future master (Skyr Valatos) didn’t expect Crow to see the Force with that great power so soon, it was a sign of the darkness in Crow. Skyr Valatos recommended Crow to get some rest because tomorrow his training would begin. In the morning his training began with simple things only to evaluate Crow’s power and connection to the Force. The results were amazing, Crow’s power was incredible for a simple apprentice and his progress amazing, he did things in months that some do in years. At last, as a final test he fought the dark Jedi, and with every strike he was becoming stronger. In the end the dark Jedi fell to the ground and Crow killed him. In that moment Crow saw the world with different eyes and with that stroke
scars appeared on his face and became a full sith. What will happen next is up to him.

[Sirithe]

Ahh, my apprentice, I'm giving you a new assignment. You are to RP about you battling Kit Fisto on your planet you described.

[LK6 version 2]

I was told by my master Newtype06 to report here for training.

[Newtype06]

Yep. This will resemble your DoR training, but I bear little similarity to Mr. Blue. He is picky about understanding your RP through good grammar, while I insist on clarity through decent description. I will point out grammar problems, but unless they are huge I'll let them slip.

First task: Post your bio, description, homeworld, etc. like you normally would. Most of your old bio will have to go. I want something a little different. But I'm getting ahead of myself... Just post the basics, and we'll take it from there.

[LK6 version 2]

Why would most of my old bio have to go? Nimmy said I could keep it. Wow, you chewed him up, spit him up, stomped on him, and then took a dump on his head there. I'm all for constructive critcism, but that was a tad extreme. Let's just hope he's not an emo kid.

This forum requires that you wait 60 seconds between posts. Please try again in 22 seconds. WTF.

[Newtype06]

What I meant was that your bio needs to be updated. The SA is on Dantooine, not Korriban. The rest is decent, but I really wanna see a different intro rp. Post your basic information, including the updated bio, and I'll tell you about the intro rp I want.

[InvisibleFear]

Did you check my rp newtype?

[Newtype06]

Invisisble, I checked out your intro.



You Pass.

Much better than last time. Seriously. I just have a couple of comments, none of which are vital, but nevertheless will make your stuff easier to read.

Use paragraphs. Any time you enter a new area, or have a character speak, it is much easier to start a new paragraph there. Just press return twice, then start your next paragraph.

Your next assignment is to describe your first kill. I want a minumum of three paragraphs. Use detail, and dont make it " I slash at him, and he cant block it and dies."

Go get em

[InvisibleFear]

Soooooo...... here goes nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Crow was exploring the plains of Dantooine admiring the beautifull yet powerfull lands. He found a bench and sat down for a moment. He was meditating trying to hear the "words" of the Force.

Suddenly another Sith apprentice approches Crow and asks his name. (The Sith apprentice knew the rules: NEVER interrupt somebody who meditates, consequences: his life.) Crow stood up and prepared his light saber for battle.

The sith apprentice had exactly what he wanted; a fight. Crow initiated his puka(a light saber form) and prepared himself for battle. His light saber was glowing with an immense power yet he did not see that, he thought it was the same light saber. But something was different and that Crow felt, an incredible power flowing through him.

They started the fight, both of them hitting with immense power. Crow could not believe his eyes that at last he found a formidable opponent (in training he defeated all opponents easy) and that gave him more passion. The hitting round was almost over but both of them were a bit tired so they initiated defence mode only to rest a little.

After a few seconds the battle began again yet exactly like in training he was becoming stronger by the hit. Soon the special hit he was preparing was ready and he used it; great power flew through his light saber and with the first hit the apprentice fell down and Crow decapitated him. Crow's master saw this and called Crow to the academy to tell him that: (My master is will have to continue)

[LK6 version 2]

Do you want me to actually completely rewrite my bio, or just my intro RP post?

[Nimrod]

Newtype is training two people? Well he is the most active for this clan and is really good. So... go get 'em!

Newtype, good job :^:

[Newtype06]

Just edit your bio slightly, to reflect that we are on Dantooine, and rewrite your intro post. I want your intro post to describe when you first learned how to use the force, and then move on to when you are brought into the Sith Academy.


Edit: HAHA hey nimrod. I love when that happens.

[InvisibleFear]

Master NT, did you see my rp?

[Newtype06]

Okay I'm gonna do this a bit differently. I have boldened certain areas. Look under the quote for the corresponding comment


Crow was exploring the plains of Dantooine admiring the beautifull yet powerfull lands. He found a bench and sat down for a moment. 1. He was meditating trying to hear the "words" of the Force.

Suddenly another Sith apprentice approches Crow and asks his name. (The Sith apprentice knew the rules: NEVER interrupt somebody who meditates, consequences: his life.) Crow stood up and prepared his light saber for battle.

The sith apprentice had exactly what he wanted; a fight. Crow initiated his puka(a light saber form) and prepared himself for battle. 2. His light saber was glowing with an immense power yet he did not see that, he thought it was the same light saber. 3. But something was different and that Crow felt, an incredible power flowing through him.

They started the fight, both of them hitting with immense power. Crow could not believe his eyes that at last he found a formidable opponent 4. (in training he defeated all opponents easy) and that gave him more 5. passion. The hitting round was almost over but both of them were a bit tired so they initiated defence mode only to rest a little.

After a few seconds the battle began again yet exactly like in training 6. he was becoming stronger by the hit. Soon the special 7. hit he was preparing was ready and he used it; great power flew through his light saber and with the first 7. hit the apprentice fell down and Crow decapitated him. Crow's master saw this and called Crow to the academy to tell him that 8. : (My master is will have to continue)


Well... if it isnt noticable already, then I'll be frank: write it again. Way too many mistakes here man.

1. Two verbs in one sentence. Either separate with a comma, or write two different sentences

2. Here comma is unnecessary. Replace with a period. Also, the word that needs to be replaced with it

3. Once again, unnecessary comma. Also, sentence is just badly worded. Example of a better sentence : But something was different. Crow felt an incredible power flowing through him.

4. Parenthesis are unnecessary. Write this phase as it's own sentence.

5. Enough of the passion crap. I want a REAL emotion. Passion has no specifics to it. excitement is a passion. Fear is a passion. These are qualities all sith embody. Saying a sith has passion is like saying an instument is musical. I want something definative, something that specifically drives your character. If you improve anything on your next draft, improve here.

6 "By the hit" is not as strong as "with each strike"

7. repetition of the word hit. Use a thesaurus. Hilight "hit", then press shift+F7. There will be a number of different words that mean hit, like strike or blow. Throw in some diversity. Using the same word over again will lose your audience.

8. You can write for me. It's not like you can write about your character only. If you want Skyr to say a few things or do some basic actions, you can. However, you cannot kill another character without initiating an RPB (more on that later).

All in all, you are getting better. However, you are far from ready. Write this again.

[InvisibleFear]

Crow was exploring the plains of Dantooine admiring the beautifull yet powerfull lands. He found a bench and sat down for a moment. He was meditating. In his complicated mind he was hearing "the voices"of the Force talking to each other.

Suddenly, a very mysterious sith apprentice, approached him. He started talking to Crow. (The Sith apprentice knew the rules: NEVER interrupt somebody who meditates, consequences: his life.) Crow stood up and prepared his light saber for battle.

The sith apprentice had exactly what he wanted; a fight. Crow initiated his puka(a light saber form) and prepared himself for battle. He felt his light saber extremly powerfull and didn't understand what was happening. It was the crystal who was making its job.

They started the fight, both of them hitting with immense power. Crow could not believe his eyes that at last he found a formidable opponent, yet as in training, with each strike he was becoming stronger. His excitement was inspiring his enemy fear, making Crow stronger and stronger.

They entered defense mode for two or three seconds but then started the fight yet again. Crow's special blow was ready and he stroke the sith apprentice to the ground, decapitating him. His master Skyr Valatos called him to the academy seeing this special fight. Skyr wanted to tell him something very important and that was: (To be continued)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it better?

[LK6 version 2]

Name- Janobi Ta'lon (pronounced Jan Ohbee Tay Lahn)
Appearance- about 6'3" tall, 200 pounds but all muscle, bald head, tan skin (white race), Dark Jedi robes, and he has a scar from a lightsaber running from the center of his forehead down across his right eyelid and to the middle of his right cheek, a wound he recieved from battling a Jedi Padawan that he stole a freighter (the Devaronian Sandclaw) from. His irises are also blood red in color.
Race- Human
Home Planet- Coruscant
Saber Color- Black
Bio- Janobi was born on Coruscant to 2 fallen Jedi, who were cast out of the Jedi order for falling in love with eachother and then having him. Their utter hatred of the Jedi order for their exile. They were stripped of everything connecting them to the order except for their connection to the Force. Taking up residence in the lower city, they trained Janobi to have a complete and utter hatred for the Jedi, and in the ways of the force.

At about the age of 12, Janobi's Force powers started growing stronger. At this point, he could bend the minds of simpletons to do almost anything he wanted them to, from making them say what he wanted them to, to giving him all of their credits, and he could also send significant electrical shocks through people- not enough to kill, but just enough to paralyze them.

But his defense against Force powers being used on him was unusually weak, because of his parents putting almost all of his training time into developing offensive powers instead of defensive ones.

At around the age of 16, Janobi's parents began to get careless in their training of him. They took him to the local under city cantina, where they learned that one of the members of the council who had cast them out had come for a drink. After a heated battle, only the Jedi was left alive, barely. As he lay there on the floor, he begged for his life at Janobi's feet, telling him that he could help turn him away from the dark side. Janobi would listen to none of his pathetic groveling, as he learned that this was one of the Jedi who had exiled his parents. Being told how a lightsaber worked by his parents, he took the Jedi's lightsaber and decapitated him on the spot.

Running from the cantina back to his apartment, Janobi gathered his things and smashed open his parents' trunk which he was always forbidden to open. He found some Dark Jedi robes, one black lightsaber crystal, and his father's modified blaster pistol, which his father had illegally enhanced to be about three times as accurate and powerful as a normal blaster pistol. Gathering what he could from the knowledge his mother had bestowed upon him about lightsaber construction, he opened the lightsaber and replaced the blue crystal with his father's black crystal.

Not having any need for the blaster or the blue crystal, yet still carrying them as reminders of the past, Janobi keeps them with him along with any other lightsaber color crystals he may happen to "come across" in his travels from less powerful Jedi he has killed in battle.

Janobi Ta'lon is now 19 years of age, and is traveling across the galaxy in a freighter he stole from a Jedi Padawan, called the Devaronian Sandclaw, which was one of the fastest freighters in the galaxy, to get off of Coruscant. It also came stocked with a utility droid- U5-Z3, and an assasin/protocol droid- HK-387, who pilot and navigate his ship for him. He has stopped on many worlds in his travels, in search of the lost Sith Academy so that he would be able to better hone his skills and channel his anger so as to exact revenge on the Jedi council members who exiled, and then killed his parents. The most reliable information source Janobi Ta'lon could rely on, which came from Tatooine, told him that the Academy could possibly be on Dantooine. After striking down the person who tried to steal Janobi's credits for telling him this information and all the witnesses, Janobi went back to his ship and told his droids to set a course for Dantooine...
_______________________________
There's my edited bio. Is it adequate?

[Newtype06]

good stuff. A couple of errors here and there, but nothing i'll dock you on.

Next task: describe your favorite planet. Make it interesting, and use plenty of detail. You know the drill: we rpb, and then I promote you...

[InvisibleFear]

You forgot me again, Newtype.

[Newtype06]

listen man. I'll get to your stuff when I get to it. I'm busy, and your posts take a much longer time to check than other's

[LK6 version 2]

Yeah, just be patient. He's the most active member here, so you don't have to worry about him not getting to your training right away. He does have a life outside GW as well.

Do you want me to include the planet description in my 1st RPB post, or as a completely different post?

[Newtype06]

planet descrpition, along with your small intro. I'll intro the battle. our rpb wont be a normal one. You intro yourself, Ill start the battle, you finish it. ok?

[CrazyHobo]

Invisable i have e thing to ask, where the hell did you come up with puka? Sorry if im being rude.

[Number_1_DM]

You ever want to post something in our RPB Malak? At least tell me when you'll be able to write something.

[LK6 version 2]

Any idea if I'm gonna be added to the members list and if my bio will be added to the bios page?
______________________________

As Janobi walked onto his ship, the Devaronian Sandclaw, he entered the main cockpit, to inform his droids of where they are to pilot the ship next. His ship stood about 30 feet tall, with the pilot cockpit in the center on the front of the half circle shaped ship, and 2 gunner cockpits on both sides of the pilot cockpit on the front of the ship. The landing ramp was situated in between the pilot and left front cockpits. The ship also had 2 more gunner cockpits on the top and bottom of the ship in the middle of the hull. As he entered the ship from the landing ramp, Janobi made a sharp left down a long hallway. about 5 feet to his left was the door leading to the main cockpit, and about 50 feet down the hallway to the left was the door leading to one of the front gunner turrets. On Janobi's right were 5 doors and a ladder leading up and down, to both gunner turrets on the top and underside of the ship. 2 doors came before the ladder, the 1st of which led to the garage which also functioned as the repair bay and had a seperate room to get to the engines if they needed to be repaired, and the 2nd led to one of the 2 crew quarters. The 1st door after the ladder led to the galley, the 2nd door after the ladder led to the medbay, and the last door led to the 2nd crew quarters.

Entering the main cokpit, Janobi came upon only U5-Z3, who maticulously went about his business of maintaining the ship, and reprogramming certain functions to make the operate at optimum efficiency.

Janobi: U5, set a course for Dantooine and take off as soon as possible.

HK-387: *coming up from behind Janobi* That will not be possible for quite some time, Master.

Janobi: *angrily* And why the hell not?

HK-387: It seems that someone sabotaged the engines, paying extra attention to the fuel lines and wiring. Whoever did it, they want to keep us from leaving Tatooine for some time. I suggest gathering some supplies before we're ready to leave, Master.

Janobi: Fine. But this ship better be ready as soon as possible, or I'll sell you both for scrap and get 2 new droids that are more competant than you 2.

Janobi walked off the ship back onto the surface of Tatooine, almost getting blinded by the intense light from the double suns. He immediately put on his pair of dessert glasses, which were designed to block out most of the light from Tatooine's double sun system when they set or rise, which is when the light is at its most intense. As he looked out across the dessert, all he could see was red sand that seemed to go on forever. Walking back into the settlement of Mos Eisley, Janobi passed many buildings all of which were no more than 50 feet high, save for the few that had AA turrets on their roofs. They all seemed to be made of some type of white cement like substance, which was odd because none of the materials needed to make it existed on this planet, yet the city was huge, and he could not think of any planet that was nearby which could ship in the needed raw materials for the structures.

After about a half an hour of walking, Janobi came to his favorite hiding spot in the city- the cantina. When not searching for ancient Sith relics or hunting down Jedi, Janobi would come to this cantina to relax with a few rather large glasses of Juma Juice. Janobi walked through the door, removed his glasses and looked around. Even though the light was so dim it was almost pitch black, his sight which was heightened through the Force allowed him to see as if it were noon. He could see many different creatures, most of which were aliens and no doubt no more than mercenaries or bounty hunters. There were some humans, but Janobi recognized them as some of the local pick-pockets and common thieves, but one caught his attention more than any of the othe patrons- she was sitting, but from how high she sat Janobi could tell she must stand almost 6 feet in height. She dressed in traditional Dark Jedi clothing, yet complexion was closer to that of a good/gray Jedi. Her hair was such a deep shade of red it resembled the color of blood and it came down to her waist in the ponytail she had tied it back in.

She was very good looking for a Dark Jedi, which was unusual, as all Dark Jedi resemble their dark insides on the outside after a while. Janobi stood up and began to walk over to sit with her, when the sound of blaster fire and a lightsaber erupting from its hilt came from the back corner of the cantina. Just before he turned to look, Janobi caught the female Dark Jedi reaching for her saber out of the corner of his eye. When Janobi's eyes fell on the sight of the skirmish, 5 bar patrons- 2 Rodians, a Devaronian, and 2 Humans lay dead on the floor, and one of the Rodian's heads came rolling to a stop at Janobi's feet. Janobi looked to see who stirred up such a comotion, and he saw a Kel Dorian dressed in Dark Jedi robes holding an orange saber standing in the back corner if the cantina, looking angry, yet somewhat satisfied, as if killing them had quenched some insatiable thirst for blood.....

[InvisibleFear]

No proplem Malak. I just saw these light saber forms in kotor II and thought of inventing one too.

[Newtype06]

Crow was exploring the plains of Dantooine admiring the beautifull yet powerfull lands. He found a bench and sat down for a moment. He was meditating. In his complicated mind he was hearing "the voices"of the Force talking to each other.

Suddenly, a very mysterious sith apprentice, (unnecessary) approached him. He started talking to Crow. (The Sith apprentice knew the rules: NEVER interrupt somebody who meditates, consequences: his life.)Crow stood up and prepared his light saber for battle.

The sith apprentice had exactly what he wanted; a fight. Crow initiated his puka(a light saber form) and prepared himself for battle. He felt his light saber extremly powerful and didn't understand what was happening. It was the crystal who was making its job. (This sentence makes no sense)

They started the fight, both of them hitting with immense power. Crow could not believe his eyes that at last he found a formidable opponent. Yet as in training, with each strike he was becoming stronger. His excitement was inspiring his enemy fear (really confusing here. poorly written), making Crow stronger and stronger.

They entered defense mode for two or three seconds but then started the fight yet again. Crow's special blow was ready and he stroke (Struck is the past tense of strike, not stroke.) the sith apprentice to the ground, decapitating him. His master Skyr Valatos called him to the academy after seeing this special fight. Skyr wanted to tell him something very important and that was: (To be continued)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Is it better?


Actually no. Check my comments, and do it again.

[InvisibleFear]

Crow was exploring the plains of Dantooine admiring the beautifull yet powerfull lands. He found a bench and sat down for a moment. He was meditating. In his complicated mind he was hearing "the voices"of the Force talking to each other.

Suddenly, a very mysterious sith apprenticeapproached him. He started talking to Crow. (The Sith apprentice knew the rules: NEVER interrupt somebody who meditates, consequences: his life.)Crow stood up and prepared his light saber for battle.

The sith apprentice had exactly what he wanted; a fight. Crow initiated his puka(a light saber form) and prepared himself for battle. He felt his light saber extremly powerful and didn't understand what was happening.

They started the fight, both of them hitting with immense power. Crow could not believe his eyes that at last he found a formidable opponent. Yet as in training, with each strike he was becoming stronger. His excitement was very big and that gave him power.

They entered defense mode for two or three seconds but then started the fight yet again. Crow's special blow was ready and he struck the sith apprentice to the ground, decapitating him. His master Skyr Valatos called him to the academy after seeing this special fight. Skyr wanted to tell him something very important and that was: (To be continued)

[LK6 version 2]

NT, did you even check mine?

[Newtype06]

Ugh...two apprentices... calm yourselves. I gave you some attention there for a while, LK6, now I gotta go talk to Invisible. Gimme a sec. I'm busy tonight, so I'll have something up tommorow.

BTW, if DM reads this, Sounds familiar, eh?

[Ryu Hayabusa]

This is Hayden reporting for training. Sirithe, take it away.

[Sirithe]

Ok, Ryu. First I want you to post about your characters early life, how he discovered power in the Force, what he did with it, and how he came to join the Sith Academy. I'll be going over the grammar pretty good so be careful, you don't want to redo it.

[Ryu Hayabusa]

Alright, here it is...



It wasn’t easy growing up on Dxun, with all of the wild beasts running around and the though Mandalorians that stayed behind, trying to create a new race. Not many children are born, just a few to who deserve to reproduce only for the fact that the father is to the point of either going to war and may never return, of is something was threatening his life. It was only granted to those to preserve the family generation… a sort of population control.

After reaching the age of six, Hayden’s dad died in battle of a rogue scouting party that came to claim the Dxun moon as theirs. The Mandolorians won, but his father did not. The higher officials trained their young at an early age so that they could help defend in a battle if circumstances required it. With several melee and blaster teachers to go around, practice took up the most part of the day, everyday.

Upon reaching his late teens, not having the chance to raise in the ranks with his other peers, Hayden was refused to join the main army. After several spars and evidence that he could defeat most of the officers, they still denied him approval. Only to anger him even more, he tool on several at a time in a fit of his own anger. This time it wasn’t for show. He injured many and killed a few. Wounds that were fresh from this battle would soon heal to a permanent reminder of how he left the only world that he knew, Dxun.

After catching a ride to Onderon, Hayden found a way to reach the docking port and hitched a ride to other planets where he made some “companions” with dealing on how to get by. Stories of powerful people leaked to Hayden’s ears. The Jedi and the Sith were the most powerful people know in the inner rim.

After seeking more information about the two, Hayden decided that the Sith controlled the Force, and the Force controlled the Jedi. After a whole life of wanting to be accepted and wanting power, he knew that the life of a Sith was just what he needed.

Upon reaching the Sith Academy, the Sith accepted Hayden eagerly, knowing the Mandalorian background for their skilled feats and their determination. It was only a few weeks into training when a giant breakthrough came into view. Hayden could yield the Force on his own. It only took a short amount of time before he was able to master over everyone in his own league.

Now, after passing his initiation and proving that he could use the Force, he now waited for a Master of the Dark Lords to show him the true meaning of the Sith.

[Sirithe]

Alright, here it is...



It wasn’t easy growing up on Dxun, with all of the wild beasts running around and the though Mandalorians that stayed behind, trying to create a new race. Not many children are born, just a few to who deserve to reproduce only for the fact that the father is to the point of either going to war and may never return, of is something was threatening his life. It was only granted to those to preserve the family generation… a sort of population control.

After reaching the age of six, Hayden’s dad died in battle of a rogue scouting party that came to claim the Dxun moon as theirs. The Mandolorians won, but his father did not. The higher officials trained their young at an early age so that they could help defend in a battle if circumstances required it. With several melee and blaster teachers to go around, practice took up the most part of the day, everyday.

Upon reaching his late teens, not having the chance to raise in the ranks with his other peers, Hayden was refused to join the main army. After several spars and evidence that he could defeat most of the officers, they still denied him approval. Only to anger him even more, he tool on several at a time in a fit of his own anger. This time it wasn’t for show. He injured many and killed a few. Wounds that were fresh from this battle would soon heal to a permanent reminder of how he left the only world that he knew, Dxun.

After catching a ride to Onderon, Hayden found a way to reach the docking port and hitched a ride to other planets where he made some “companions” with dealing on how to get by. Stories of powerful people leaked to Hayden’s ears. The Jedi and the Sith were the most powerful people known in the inner rim.

After seeking more information about the two, Hayden decided that the Sith controlled the Force, and the Force controlled the Jedi. After a whole life of wanting to be accepted and wanting power, he knew that the life of a Sith was just what he needed.

Upon reaching the Sith Academy, the Sith accepted Hayden eagerly, knowing the Mandalorian background for their skilled feats and their determination. It was only a few weeks into training when a giant breakthrough came into view. Hayden could yield the Force on his own. It only took a short amount of time before he was able to master over everyone in his own league.

Now, after passing his initiation and proving that he could use the Force, he now waited for a Master of the Dark Lords to show him the true meaning of the Sith.
All bolded in the first paragraph made no sense to me. Too much shifting of past and present tense.
Bolded in second paragraph is unnecessary.
Reword the bolded sentence in paragraph three.
Tool in paragraph three seems to be a typo
Bolded in paragraph four makes no sense.
Other than that good, fix those mistakes and we'll move on from there.

[Ryu Hayabusa]

It wasn’t easy growing up on Dxun, with all of the wild beasts running around and the tough Mandalorians that stayed behind, trying to create a new race. Not many children are born, just a few are able to be born in case the father is to go off to war and may never return, or if he is battleing deat itself. It was only granted to those to preserve the family generation… a sort of population control.

After reaching the age of six, Hayden’s dad died in battle of a rogue scouting party that came to claim the Dxun moon as theirs. The Mandolorians won, but his father did not. The higher officials trained their young at an early age so that they could help defend in a battle if circumstances required it. With several melee and blaster teachers to go around, practice took up most of the day, everyday.

Upon reaching his late teens, Hayden was denied several times of all sorts of special privilages, even though his younger peers were granted for further training. Hayden was refused to join the main army. After several spars and evidence that he could defeat most of the officers, they still denied him approval. Only to anger him even more, he took on several at a time in a fit of his own anger. This time it wasn’t for show. He injured many and killed a few. Wounds that were fresh from this battle would soon heal to a permanent reminder of how he left the only world that he knew, Dxun.

After catching a ride to Onderon, Hayden found a way to reach the docking port and hitched a ride to other planets where he had to rely on people to get by. Stories of powerful people leaked to Hayden’s ears. The Jedi and the Sith were the most powerful people know in the inner rim.

After seeking more information about the two, Hayden decided that the Sith controlled the Force, and the Force controlled the Jedi. After a whole life of wanting to be accepted and wanting power, he knew that the life of a Sith was just what he needed.

Upon reaching the Sith Academy, the Sith accepted Hayden eagerly, knowing the Mandalorian background for their skilled feats and their determination. It was only a few weeks into training when a giant breakthrough came into view. Hayden could yield the Force on his own. It only took a short amount of time before he was able to master over everyone in his own league.

Now, after passing his initiation and proving that he could use the Force, he now waited for a Master of the Dark Lords to show him the true meaning of the Sith.

----------------

Ok, I think this is good now.

[Sirithe]

Much Better. Now, your second assignment is to describe Haydens ideal battleground, be insanely descriptive.

[InvisibleFear]

Ah, i see we have a new apprentice. Welcome Ryu!


P.S. Good luck with your new apprentice Sirithe.

[Ryu Hayabusa]

Ok Sirithe, I think this is what you want...

As the escape pod descended upon the rough terrain of the planet below him, his ship above was engulfed in flames. Someone, or something, had caused his ship to explode. Only a rough transmission was received moments before impact. No video, only audio. It wasn’t spoken in basic galactic either. A hard thick language that sounded angry was on the view screen. After trying to get his protocol droid to intrepid, and jolt rocked the ship back and fourth. Warning sirens alerted that there was a breach in the hull. Racing to escape, the only way off was an escape pod.

The pod raced downwards, gaining speed, as the red plant’s gravity pulled harder on it. A hard thud was accompanied by a jolt of slowness as the rocket boosters underneath kicked in to equalize speed and pressure for a safe landing. The tiny capsule began to shave violently as the atmosphere chipped away at it.

A soft landing was not expected since the whole ride down was not the most pleasant experience. A few moments later and the sound of wind filled Hayden’s eardrums as the pressure inside was being released to accommodate for the outside pressure. Steam covered the ground, for the outside of the pod was still hot.

Hayden reached up and pushed the door open. A bright light blinded his eyes, but only for a moment until his eyes adjusted to the crimson sky. Dust hung in the air. The smell of stale and death filled his nostrils. He sat up and hurled his body out of the pod. A puff of red dust exploded from the ground as his foot struck the surface. Hayden looked around. No animals, not in the air or on the ground moving about. High cliffs rose to his left that seemed to go straight up on a zero degree. To the right of him was a plain deserted wasteland. No buildings seemed to be erected, no plant life, no water of any kind.

Looking back behind the escape pod to see if it had blocked his view from something else, if proved false to show anything new. An absolute giant ball of red dust and clay is what this planet seemed to be. The sky looked to be on fire. There were no clouds or anything obstructing the light coming from nearby suns, but the shade or red that was cast down on the planet was eerie. A perfect place for a Sith.

[Sekhmet]

I should do this but I really don't want to... but since I'm nothing guess I have to...

[Sirithe]

Good, Ryu, that is exactly what I wanted, a few unnecessary "ands" but overall the grammar was much better than last time. Your next, and final assignment is for you to fight the Jedi Knight Takumi Okinawa on that planet. Make it detailed. This is the hardest thing you will have to do.

[LK6 version 2]

Do what, Salkas, I ask? Train? I thought you were already at the highest rank possible here, or was that in the Jedi-Sith conflict clan?

[Sirithe]

That was JSC, I think she shouldn't need training, she should be a Master.

[Number_1_DM]

I agree. Assuming that BullsEye (or whatever he calls himself now) and NewType move up to 'lord,' we will shortly have no 'masters.' However, if Salkas is given the rank of 'master,' and I am promoted (working on third part of my promo now), we will then fill the two spots BE and NT left behind. Nobody would be swamped with new recruits ever again.

[Newtype06]

Invisible, Im sorry man. Things are getting complicated, and LK6 is at a crucial point in his training. I need to complete his training before working with you.

Also, I must be frank with you, Invisible. Unless you improve a thousand-fold, you will be at the rank of Knight for a very long time. I can help you get there, but after that it's up to you. You may think you are ready, but I am here to tell you that you are not.

[elven_Archer]

Kainin felt a ripple in the force. A small craft was speeding through the atmosphere of Corellia. He could feel that the pilot was a Force-sensitive. Most likely Jedi, he was not powerful enough to be a Sith. The ship sped down and pulled around, facing the front of the ship straight at Kainin’s headhunter. He rolled over to the right and used the Force to push down a lever in the cockpit of his Z-95 Headhunter. A white line appeared as two missiles were launched from the bow of the ship. The zoomed across the plain and smashed into the front of the Jedi Starship. It swerved down and landed by the trees.

A Nautolan Jedi named Kit Fisto jumped out of the cockpit of the red and white ship. He drew a blue lightsaber and prepared himself for battle. Kainin jumped up and used the Force to pull his lightsaber up to his hand. It ignited upon touching his fingers and a green beam shot from the opening in the cylinder. He ran and swung his saber over his head. Chopping at the Jedi. He was blocked.

Kainin slashed low at Fistos’ legs but he was blocked again. He pushed the Jedi back with the Force and came around with another slash at the chest. Kit Fisto jumped back to just barely be scraped by the blade, burning off a layer of clothing and flesh. The Nautolan clutched his wound but ignored it and stabbed his saber at Kainin’s stomach. The Sith jumped to the side and knocked it away, slashing again.

The blade passed straight through the Jedi’s neck as the severed head fell to the ground. Kainin smiled at his completed task and hurled the body into the forest with the Force so it would not be found. He burnt it with lighting so that no one would be able to tell who–or what–he was.

Kainin boarded his Z-95 Headhunter and flew away. Leaving the dead Jedi to rot in the forest of Corellia.

[Sirithe]

Its ok, I want you to do it again with more detail, and a longer battle.

[SF3P0X1]

Can I offer a sincere apology for not being here, since work + cold + crippled roommate getting booty while I'm still in the room = no sleep and no time, and come back as much as possible? I'd like to take one of the noobs off your hands.

[Ryu Hayabusa]

Good, Ryu, that is exactly what I wanted, a few unnecessary "ands" but overall the grammar was much better than last time. Your next, and final assignment is for you to fight the Jedi Knight Takumi Okinawa on that planet. Make it detailed. This is the hardest thing you will have to do.
Sirithe, do you wante me to make a long, one time battle, or break it up?

If you want, I can make an extra long RP and do it all in one shot.

[Newtype06]

Hey LK6, guess what? GEAR SHIFT! Stay flexible, cuz my next post is gonna rock you. We are NOT having an rpb...

Instead, I want you to kill... my apprentice OH SNAP!

EDIT~ there we go...have some fun with this...

Skyr was back. He had been to Tatooine many times over the years, and often used this place as a final testing ground for his apprentices. If they completed the test, they were ready. If he failed, well…Defeat was not tolerated by the Sith. Skyr stretched out to the Force, and located Janobi Ta‘lon, his latest accomplishment. Skyr had to thank Janobi’s parents. They gave him a magnificent specimen to shape. Janobi was an embodiment of malignity. He was pure anger, seeking a conduit through which to send it. Skyr knew that the way of the Sith was one such conduit, and the best one for Janobi. However, he had to be awakened to this fact before he would be truly ready.

Skyr left his ship on the outskirts. No need to attract attention. He proceeded to the cantina, where Janobi no doubt would be, and sat down in one of the private booths far in the back. No need to show himself before the time was right. Skyr sat down, at settled in. It didn’t take too long for some of the drunks nearby to notice his light saber. Some of them just mumbled incoherently, but one of them stumbled up to Skyr and said "Oi, Jedi, what’re you doin’ in ‘ere?" Skyr looked up at the drunk, a human. Skyr stood, and simply stated "I am no Jedi". The drunks didn’t know what hit them. One of them was sober enough to get his blaster clear from its holster and fire a few shots before Skyr swiftly decapitated him. Naturally, most of the patrons exited in an "orderly manner". Skyr looked up at Janobi, and at the "Dark Jedi" woman he was sitting next to. You see, Skyr had another apprentice…

Skyr looked at the two of them, and said "No, I am not here to kill either one of you. Indeed this is just another test, albeit the final one." Skyr powered down his saber and addressed the two Force-users. "I have trained you, Janobi, for the past few months, and I feel you are ready. However," Skyr said, gesturing to the woman, "I have trained her for several years, and I feel she is far more skilled than you are. Therefore, I have decided to let you two make up my mind." A complete lie, Skyr had picked up both at roughly the same time. However, Skyr wanted Janobi to feel cheated out of the opportunity that had appeared so easy moments before. Skyr cast a look of encouragement to the woman, and with that, Skyr resumed his position at the back of the cantina, back turned to his two apprentices.

[Sirithe]

The extra long one Ryu.

[elven_Archer]

Well I wrote out a 2 page Rp for you Sirithe. My comp screwed and something happened. The Rp dissappeared and didn't get saved. I'll write it again but it won't be until tomorrow. I just can't go through writing that same thing again...

[InvisibleFear]

Invisible, Im sorry man. Things are getting complicated, and LK6 is at a crucial point in his training. I need to complete his training before working with you.

Also, I must be frank with you, Invisible. Unless you improve a thousand-fold, you will be at the rank of Knight for a very long time. I can help you get there, but after that it's up to you. You may think you are ready, but I am here to tell you that you are not.


Yeah well if we had worked more toghether then i could have been better. Never mind that. From now on i'l ONLY use word. I saw the other RP's and analyzed them.
I want to take another shot. What should i do?

[LK6 version 2]

So my training won't be an RPB format, it'll just be RPs?
_____________________________________

Janobi: No problem, Master. I shall dispatch her quickly so that my training may progress as soon as possible. I do not wish to delay it for longer than I have to. Prepare to meet your maker, woman!

Although Janobi had no problem with killing someone for training purposes, for pure amusement, out of boredom, or even just for the hell of it, Skyr's female apprentice had a look on her face that told Janobi she was scared sh!tless at the thought of just randomly killing someone. As a Sith, she could not have this trait, for it revealed her weakness, and she must be eliminated because of it. This was perhaps the biggest reason why Skyr did not want her as an apprentice. The other reason was because Janobi was proving to be coming along in his training better and faster than the female human could ever dream of. Skyr needed and wanted only the most powerful Sith to fight along side him in battle, and Janobi was his choice.

As Janobi drew his saber and ignited it, the female looked like she might urinate herself on the spot as she drew her saber, a brilliant, neon pink color so bright that it almost blinded Janobi and Skyr when the blade erupted from the hilt. Janobi had to throw his hand in front of his eyes to avoid being blinded. When he lowered his hand a second later, the female was 6 feet in the air in the middle of a leap towards Janobi, ready to cut him in half vertically, but Janobi had trained so extensively that he was fast enough to move without being seen without using the force to increase his speed. It was pure physical speed. As she came down in what looked like slow motion to Janobi only because he was moving so fast, he ran behind her and kicked her in the center of her back, causing her to fly across the cantina and smash into all the glass bottles and tubes behind the bar.

The spilled alcohol ignited upon contact with her saber, scorching the bottom of her cloak. Summoning a swirling wind with the force, she sent the flames shooting at Janobi. This attack he could not simply avoid. Reacting within a nanosecond, Janobi started spinning his blade in front himself so fast that it looked like one big, glowing black disk being held a few feet in front him. When the flames came in contact with the spinning blade they dissipated, but the flames that shot around Janobi just continued on past him and burned a hole straight through the wall of the cantina behind him.

Recovering from the attack immediately, Janobi charged at the female at the same instant she was charging at him. Their blades clashed with such force that a violent wind emenated outwards from both apprentices and blew out the various spot fires in the cantina, also almost knocking Skyr over and pushing him back a few feet as he slid across the floor, smacking into the wall behind him. The two apprentices then proceeded to get into a heated lightsaber battle. They fought eachother for well over a half an hour, neither showing signs of exhaustion or even mild tiredness.

Skyr marveled at how well his two apprentices had come along as they continued to hack and slash eachother, occasionally scoring minor hits on eachother. About another half an hour later, Janobi struck a decisive blow to the female apprentice- he managed in one swipe to cut her hand holding her lightsaber and the saber itself in half, and cut her arm off just below her shoulder on the follow through slice. She then fell to the floor writhing in agony, and looking dumbfounded as to how an apprentice who had supposedly been trained for years less than she had been had managed to turn the tide of the battle with one swipe of his saber.

Pushing herself up onto one knee with the other foot planted on the ground to stabalize her body, she clutched the spot where her arm had been severed to reduce the pain.

Female apprentice: Master Skyr! Why?! Why would you do this to me? I thought we had a special bond that went farther than most masters and apprentices have. Why would you do this to me?! Why?!

Skyr: Your company no longer amuses me, and you have failed my expectations as an apprentice. Failure is not tolerated in the ranks of the Sith. Plus, you are weak. Janobi is not. He has progressed faster in his training and has become stronger than you ever could. I hope you realize that he has been toying with you this whole time.

Female: What?! How...but...he couldn't possibly...NO! I was going blow for blow with him! I could sense his level of power and strength through the Force! He's no stronger than I am!

Janobi: It's all true. I can cloak my true power from other Force sensitives through the Force itself. Here, let me show you my true power.

As Janobi let out a burst of power, the female could instantly sense his true power. The amount of it flowing through him almost defeaned her to the Force, as well as physically. Leveling his power off at its maximum, Janobi tossed her across the cantina using the force, impaling her on a loose water pipe which had become dislodged from the floor, although she did not die on the spot as the pipe barely missed her vital organs as it pierced her torso, dripping with blood. Lightsaber in hand and still ignited, Janobi casually walked over to her limp body and proceeded to torture her slowly by cutting off her appendages one by one, starting with her toes and fingers, then moving on to her feet and hands, lower arms and legs, and finally severing her upper arms and legs. Keeping her alive as long as possible with the Force, Skyr watched as Janobi continued to torture her beyond imagination.

With his final act of cruelty, Janobi cut a hole through her chest cavity, reached in, and crushed her heart with his bare hand. He pulled it out, threw it to the floor in its mangled state, and stomped on it, splattering the female's own blood on her face as her life force finally faded away and she hung lifeless on the water pipe, reduced to just a torso and head.....

[LK6 version 2]

Maybe you should take a look at my RPs.

[Newtype06]

um.... LK6, I might just recommend you for therapy....


NAH, NO WAY!

I'll pm snoog and Meathos. You are ready. As of right now, in my book, you are a Knight

[InvisibleFear]

Yay! Now NT will have time with me. (It know it sounds childish.)

[Number_1_DM]

Newtype is going away for a few days, so if you guys need anything, just ask me. He'll be back before the weekend is over.

[InvisibleFear]

Uh DM, could you train me until NT is back?

[Number_1_DM]

I'm not taking over for NT, but I'll give you some suggestions. I'll start with the first two paragraphs of your last post.

Crow was exploring the plains of Dantooine admiring the 1) beautifull yet powerfull lands. He found a bench and sat down for a moment. 2) He was meditating. In his complicated mind he was hearing "the voices"of the Force talking to each other.

Suddenly, a very mysterious sith 3) apprenticeapproached him. He started talking to Crow. (The Sith apprentice knew the rules: NEVER interrupt somebody who meditates, consequences: his life.) 4) Crow stood up and prepared his light saber for battle.

Here's a couple minor things to tweak... however, know that many minor mistakes will ruin an RP.

1) Beautiful and powerful have only one 'L'. Also, powerful is not the best word to use. If you want beautiful to contrast with your next adjective, 'deadly' is a much more effective choice.

2) Watch out for confusing tenses. By saying 'He slowly began to meditate' instead, there is no confusion.

3) Just a typo you have here. Add the space... apprentice approached him.

4) You need some type of transition here. Good transitions add flow. Try this... 'Enraged, Crow stood up and prepared his light saber for battle.'



Ok, now I want you to go back and redo the rest of the paragraphs. You have several mistakes in there... try to catch them yourself. Also, there are some parts that don't completly make sense. Fix it in Word. A helpful tip is to re-read your post right after you type it (this will help to let you know where commas belong). If you need help, let me know.

[LK6 version 2]

Ugh, so many mistakes, and that's just 2 paragraphs. Invisible, I'd recommend a thesaurus for word usage. It'll help you select words that can better convey feeling and paint a better picture in your readers' minds. I'd also recommend just typing your RPs in a word document before you post them here, so that way it'll catch your mistakes for you, and you'll be able to improve by seeing what mistakes you made and be sure not to make them again.

[snoogadie.]

In short, you need to pretend that it's the first time you're reading your RP. If you can't imagine it purely by what words you use, it won't read well to anyone.

[SF3P0X1]

Anyone hear me? Sorry for not being here, but I'm here now and would like to help in training.

[Sirithe]

Both my apprentices are nearly done, or I'd give you one of them.

[SF3P0X1]

Alright. Any others I can take?

[LK6 version 2]

Would I be able to train anyone? Or do I have to get higher in rank than Knight?

[Sirithe]

You should be able to, I think Snoog changed the rules...

[LK6 version 2]

Well there's nothing that says we can't.

[Jaden the Jedi]

Rpname: Tri-kun
Race: human
homeworld: Toydaria
Lightsabrecolour: green
http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c2...ng234/02sm.jpg
bio: grew up on Toydaria and was raised as a slave and rejected, abused and was nearly killed when his master lost a bet. The hutt's got invovled and his master was killed, the buisness was ruined and i was taken by the hutt's. I spent ten years of his life in a hutt palace i learnd many tricks from the various people passing through and he met a renegade jedi and he taught me to use the force and as he was leaving i shot him in the back and i took his sabre which i use to date. Fourtunetly i made allies and we revolted killing all of the hutt's in the palace, revenge has never felt so sweet i though as i slaughted all non allies killing all but one to tell the story.

[Meathos]

Have you even joined the Order? I don't remember you at all.

[Sirithe]

Thats because this is the Sith Academy training thread Neil.... Haha, he did join the Sith.

[Meathos]

You know what? Shut up. I was still sloshed from Patty's Day.:P

Welcome to the Sith, Jaden.

[Jaden the Jedi]

clothing: black bants black shoes black tied back hair no shirt
no mind trick
http://i28.photobucket.com/albums/c202/Jediking234/02sm.jpg
thats my sabre and thats all
bio: I grew up on Toydaria and was raised as a slave. I was rejected, abused and was nearly killed when his master lost a bet on a fight he bet on a rodian versus a wookie (my old master claimed he was bullied into the bet). The hutt's got invovled and his master was killed, the business was ruined and i was taken by the hutt's. I spent ten years of my life in a hutt palace. I learnt many tricks from the various people passing through and he met a renegade jedi. He taught me to use the force and just before he set of i set three bombs in his back pack setting them off instantly killing him i took his sabre which i use to date. Fourtunately i made allies and we revolted, killing all of the hutt's in the palace. "revenge has never felt so sweet," I thought as i slaughted all of my enemies, killing all but one, so he would be left to tell the story, evoking fear in any who wished to challenge me

[Snyper]

I know im not your master, but you need to do a good bit of work. Mispelled words are killing you, and also not capitalizing I. Last time I checked, Learnt isnt a word.

[Sirithe]

Snype, he's masterless, go ahead and take him.

[Number_1_DM]

I think Jaden is NewType's apprentice. At any rate, I'll take the next new member.

[Snyper]

I just went back through the split, a big waste of time because his headline clearly states for Newtype. Hopefully Jaidan wont be affected by the old kiss of death that Newtypes been known for.

[Newtype06]

Hahaha...funny.

Anyways, Jaden, I want your bio/description posted in this form. It'll help you get a feel for your character...

Name:
Species: (Remember, you don't have to be human.)
Homeworld:
Saber color:

physical description:

Bio:


Just for kicks, here's my bio. use it as a template, but dont just insert your character's name in instead of mine.

Name: Skyr Valatos
Species: Kel Dorian
Homeworld: Dorin
Saber Color: Orange 2x saber staff
Description: As a Kel Dor, Skyr wears the air filtration system mask on his face and eyes to block out harmful oxygen. As part of his Sith training, Skyr had black tatoos placed all over his head and mask, but the color changes gradually to grey as they get closer to the mask. 6’0”, Skyr is fairly tall and very solidly built. His light saber incorporates Kel Dorian design and can be easily wielded with 3 fingers.
Bio: People always suspected something of Skyr Valatos. It always seemed that he lacked his species’ rigid, dualistic view on the universe. He believed that if he possessed free will, he could create a choice that was neither good nor evil, that there must be shades of grey in the universe. People naturally disagreed with him, but it never passed beyond that. But one day, Skyr became enraged and killed one of his fellows in a public debate. This would have been handled normally, except for the fact that Skyr crushed the debaters’ breathing apparatus, and proceeded to throttle him. All this was done with the Force, at twenty paces away. Even then, Skyr saw grey. He did not care that he had killed. He had discovered an incredible power, and now he could use it! All others present at the debate cowered before Skyr’s presence. He was a creature reborn of rage. The feeling was intoxicating. He quickly hijacked a prototype TIE Hunter, which he christened the Greystorm, and flew off in search of a way to increase this incredible power. As long as his power lasted, Skyr would always use it to further himself and his ambitions…

:zap: go get em

[Number_1_DM]

Soul Reaver, you first need to create your character. You do so by posting some general information about your character, followed by a bio and description. There's a certain form we'd like you to stick to...

Name:
Species:
Homeworld:
Saber color:
Description (physical):
Bio:

Anyhow, the best tip I can give you is to look at this page: http://forums.gamewinners.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6292928#post6292928

That page has many of our characters on it and should provide you with a good reference. Please type your work in Microsoft Word so you won't make many grammar mistakes... spelling/grammar truly counts. If you need anything else, just ask.