Movie Quotes

[Quotes]

You have to make five movie quotes everytime you post.


"I'm Jack's smirking revenge."- Fight Club

"Here's Johnny"-The Shining

"You suck ya jackass"-Happy Gilmore

"These walls are kind of funny. First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em. Enough time passes, gets so you depend on them. That's institutionalized. They send you here for life, that's exactly what they take. The part that counts, anyways."-The Shawshank Redemption

"Smokin"-The Mask

[Coleman]

Cop: "Are you ok?"
Rainbow Randolf (Robin Williams): "I dont know, I'm kinda ****ed up in general so its hard to gauge." - Death to Smoochy

Mr Garrison: "Well I'm sorry Wendy, but I just dont trust anything that bleeds for fice days and doesn't die." - South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

Happy Gilmore: "Hi I'm a hockey player playing golf today." - Happy Gilmore

Dark Helmet: "Whats the matter Colonel Sanders, chicken?!" - Spaceballs

Neo: "I know Kung Fu." - The Matrix

I have a ton more. I just have trouble remembering them on cue.

[T1000416]

I'm gonna stick this, since this topic is usually done a lot.

[The Professional]

"You obviously have no idea who you are f*cking with"
Blade 2

"Wiggle your Big Toe"
Kill Bill vol. 1

"Because I choose to"
Matrix: Revolutions

"I aready have a father, his name was Ben Parker"
Spider-man

"You had me at blood and semen"
Dodgeball

"I'm not supposed to be here today!"
Clerks

"Let's do that again"
Shrek

"He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!"
Life of Brian

[Griever]

"Fear leads to Anger
Anger leads to Hate
Hate leads to the Dark Side"
Yoda - Star Wars I: Phantom Menance

"It's time to prove to your friends that you're worth a damn. Sometimes that means dying, sometimes it means killing a whole lot of people."
Dwight - Sin City

"Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again."
Danny Ocean - Ocean's 11

"Hey, that light? At the end of the tunnel? Guess what? That's not heaven... That's the C train!"
DareDevil - DareDevil

"Life finds a way"
Ian Malcolm - Jurassic Park

[T1000416]

Dirty Harry series

Dirty Harry
Chief: Have you been following that man?
Harry Callahan: Yeah, I've been following him on my own time. And anybody can tell I didn't do that to him.
Chief: How?
Harry Callahan: Cause he looks too damn good, that's how!

Harry Callahan: I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire six shots or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

Harry Callahan: Well, I'm all broken up over that man's rights!

Harry Callahan: Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy.
The Mayor: Intent? How did you establish that?
Harry Callahan: When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross!

Harry Callahan: Where's the girl?
The Killer: You tried to kill me!
Harry Callahan: If I tried to do that your head would be splattered all over this field - now WHERE'S THE GIRL?

Magnum Force
Harry Callahan: A man's got to know his limitations.

Harry Callahan: You heroes killed a dozen people this week. What are you going to do next week?
Officer Davis: Kill a dozen more.

Harry Callahan: Nothing wrong with shooting as long as the right people get shot!

The Enforcer
Harry Callahan: Personnel? That's for *******s!
Capt McKay: I was in Personnel for ten years.
Harry Callahan: Yeah.

Harry Callahan: Here's a seven point suppository.
Capt McKay: What do you mean?
Harry Callahan: I mean stick it up your ass.

Mustapha: You really *are* a dirty son of a bitch.
Harry Callahan: The dirtiest.

Sudden Impact
Harry Callahan: Swell

Harry Callahan: Go ahead, make my day.

Harry Callahan: Listen, punk. To me you're nothin' but dog****, you understand? And a lot of things can happen to dog****. It can be scraped up with a shovel off the ground. It can dry up and blow away in the wind. Or it can be stepped on and squashed. So take my advice and be careful where the dog ****s ya!

Captain Briggs: Don't you lecture me, you son of a bitch! Do you know who I am? Do you know my record?
Harry Callahan: Yeah... you're a legend in your own mind.

Harry Callahan: Do you know the emergency phone number for San Francisco General? Well, why don't you call them right now and have them send down an ambulance. Tell them there's two sorry-looking *******s here with multiple contusions and various abrasions and broken bones.

Harry Callahan: I'm looking for friends of George Wilbur.
Bar Patron: What'd he do?
Harry Callahan: He lost his balls...he got killed.

Captain Briggs: Think things over, Callahan. Get with it. It's a whole new ball game these days.
Harry Callahan: Funny. I never thought of it as a game

Coffee Shop Waitress: Hey, mister. Is that your dog?
Harry Callahan: Do you want him?

Harry Callahan: We're not just going to let you walk out of here.
Crook: Who's "we", sucker?
Harry Callahan: Smith, and Wesson, and me.

The Dead Pool
Harry Callahan: You forgot your fortune cookie.
Gunman #1: [Yelling] What?
Harry Callahan: It says..."You're **** out of luck."

Harry Callahan: Maybe I'll start my own dead pool... and put you on it.

Harry Callahan: Well, opinions are like an *******s. Everybody has one.

Harlan Rook: Now you've locked yourself in, *******!
Harry Callahan: Yeah. Just you and me, *******.

Harry Callahan: You're out of bullets. And you know what that means... you're **** outta luck.

[The Professional]

"If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Myles Davis"
Billy Madison

"The Price is wrong, Bob!"
Happy Gilmore

"Follow the rich white man"
Rush Hour 2

"Your ass is happy?
Goldmember

"Don't worry son, I think you have very nice boobs."
Eight Crazy Nights

[Quotes]

It's "The price is wrong, BITCH!"- Happy Gilmore

"Dead man walkin'...Dead man walkin' on the green mile"-The Green Mile

Austin: Jake Wyler. "So congratulations man, you just blew my perfect season. Senor You-Just-Blew-My-Perfect-Season!"
Jake: "What do you want Austin?"
Austin "A life. And payback."
Jake: "C'mon man, don't do this."
Austin: No, man, I think I'll hang around. Maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-A-T-P..."

" Reporting live for Black TV! White folks are dead, we're getting the **** out of here!"-Scary Movie

"I am your father"- The Empire Strikes Back

[The Professional]

"On a long enough time scale, the survival rate foreveryone drops to zero"
Fight Club

" 28 days... six hours... 24 minutes... 12 seconds. That... is when the world... will end."
Donnie Darko

"I'm the only one acting like a profesional here!"
Reservoir Dogs

"No women, no kids, that's the rules"
Leon

"Vanity, definitely my favorite sin"
The Devils Advocate

[T1000416]

The Terminator trilogy

The Terminator
Kyle Reese: You still don't get it, do you? He'll find her. That's what he does. That's all he does! You can't stop him. He'll wade through you, reach down her throat, and pull her ****ing heart out.

Kyle Reese: Pain can be controlled - you just disconnect it

Kyle Reese: This is burned in by laser scan. Some of us were kept alive... to work... loading bodies. The disposal units ran night and day. We were that close to going out forever. But there was one man who taught us to fight, to storm the wire of the camps, to smash those metal mother****ers into junk. He turned it around. He brought us back from the brink. His name is Connor. John Connor. Your son, Sarah, your unborn son.

[the Terminator arrives naked and encounters some punks]
Punk Leader: Nice night for a walk, eh?
The Terminator: Nice night for a walk.
Punk: Wash day tomorrow? Nothing clean, right?
The Terminator: Nothing clean. Right.
Punk Leader: Hey, I think this guy's a couple cans short of a six-pack.
The Terminator: Your clothes - give them to me, now.
Punk Leader: **** you, *******!

Kyle Reese: Listen. And understand. That terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

Kyle Reese: Come with me if you want to live.

after Sarah tries to escape and bites Reese's hand]
Kyle Reese: Cyborgs don't feel pain. I do. Don't do that again.

Kyle Reese: I can't. Nobody goes home. Nobody else comes through. It's just him - and me

The Terminator: I'll be back.

Cleaning Man at Flophouse: Hey, buddy. You got a dead cat in there, or what?
[the Terminator visualizes: 'POSSIBLE RESPONSE: YES/NO; OR WHAT?; GO AWAY; PLEASE COME BACK LATER; F*CK YOU, A**HOLE; F*CK YOU']
The Terminator: F*ck you, a**hole.

Sarah Connor: You're terminated, ****er.

The Terminator: [to the passenger in the semi truck] Get out. (this line can help you)

Kyle Reese: What day is it? The date!
Cop in Alley: 12th - May - Thursday
Kyle Reese: WHAT YEAR?

Terminator 2: Judgement Day
Sarah Connor: [narrating] 3 billion human lives ended on August 29th, 1997. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against the machines. The computer which controlled the machines, Skynet, sent two Terminators back through time. Their mission: to destroy the leader of the human resistance, John Connor, my son. The first Terminator was programmed to strike at me in the year 1984, before John was born. It failed. The second was set to strike at John himself when he was still a child. As before, the resistance was able to send a lone warrior, a protector for John. It was just a question of which one of them would reach him first.

Sarah Connor: [narrating] Dyson listened while the Terminator laid it all down: Skynet, Judgment Day, the history of things to come. It's not everyday you hear that you're responsible for 3 billion deaths. He took it pretty well.

John Connor: No, no, no, no. You gotta listen to the way people talk. You don't say "affirmative," or some **** like that. You say "no problemo." And if someone comes on to you with an attitude you say "eat me." And if you want to shine them on it's "hasta la vista, baby."
The Terminator: Hasta la vista, baby.
John Connor: Yeah! Or "later dickwad." And if someone gets upset you say, "chill out"! Or you can do combinations.
The Terminator: Chill out, dickwad.
John Connor: Great! See, you're getting it!
The Terminator: No problemo.

he Terminator: It's in your nature to destroy yourselves.

[One-armed and battered after confronting the T-1000]
The Terminator: I need a vacation.

John Connor: I need a minute here. Your telling me that this thing can imitate anything it touches?
The Terminator: Anything it samples by physical contact.
John Connor: Get real, like it could disguise itself as a pack of cigarettes?
The Terminator: No, only an object of equal size.
John Connor: Why doesnt it become a bomb or something to get me?
The Terminator: It cant form complex machines, guns and explosives have chemicals, moving parts, it doesn't work that way, but it can form solid metal shapes.
John Connor: Like what?
The Terminator: Knives and stabbing weapons.

[John Connor wants to get some things from home]
The Terminator: Negative. The T1000 will definitely try to reacquire you there.
John Connor: You sure?
The Terminator: I would.

[On the phone to John Connor's foster mom]
The Terminator: What's the dog's name?
John Connor: Max.
The Terminator: [in John's voice] Hey Janelle, what's wrong with Wolfie? I can hear him barking. Is he all right?
Janelle Voight: Wolfie's fine, honey. Wolfie's just fine. Where are you?
The Terminator: [hangs up] Your foster parents are dead.

[the T-1000 has fallen into a vat of molten iron]
John Connor: Is it dead?
The Terminator: Terminated.

John Connor: You just can't go around killing people.
The Terminator: Why?
John Connor: What do you mean why? 'Cause you can't.
The Terminator: Why?
John Connor: Because you just can't, OK? Trust me on this.

Dr. Silberman: I'm sure it feels very real to you.
Sarah Connor: On August 29th, 1997, it's gonna feel pretty ****ing real to you too. Anybody not wearing 2 million sunblock is gonna have a real bad day. Get it?

John Connor: You're not here to kill me - I figured out that for myself. So what's the deal?
The Terminator: My mission is to protect you.
John Connor: Yeah? Who sent you?
The Terminator: You did. 35 years from now you reprogrammed me to be your protector here - in this time.
John Connor: This is deep...

John Connor: Did you call *moi* a dip****?

Sarah Connor: There's 215 bones in the human body. That's one.

The Terminator: Come with me if you want to live!

The Terminator: Stay here, I'll be back!

T-1000: Say... That's a nice bike...

The Terminator: Hasta la vista, baby!

[last lines]
Sarah Connor: [narrating] The unknown future rolls toward us. I face it, for the first time, with a sense of hope. Because if a machine, a Terminator, can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too.

John Connor: Jesus, you were gonna kill that guy.
The Terminator: Of course; I'm a terminator.

John Connor: Please insert your stolen card now.

Sarah Connor: You're already dead, Silberman. Everybody dies. You know I believe it so don't **** with me!

T-1000: Get out.

John Connor: You know what you're doing?
The Terminator: I have detailed files on human anatomy.
Sarah Connor: Makes you a more efficient killer, right?
The Terminator: Correct.

The Terminator: I'll take care of the police.
John Connor: Hey, wait! You swore!
The Terminator: [smiles] Trust me.

The Terminator: I swear I will not kill anyone.

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
Terminator: Katherine Brewster? Have you sustained injury?
Kate Brewster: Drop dead you *******.
Terminator: I am unable to comply.

Terminator: [after inspecting John Connor] No sign of brain trauma.
John Connor: Yeah I'm fine, thanks.

John Connor: Do you even remember me? Sarah Connor, blowing up Cyberdyne, hasta la vista, baby. Ring any bells?
Terminator: That was a different T-101.
John Connor: What do you guys, come off an assembly line or something?
Terminator: Exactly.
John Connor: Oh man, I'm gonna have to teach you everything all over again.

[to T-X]
Terminator: You are terminated.

Terminator: John Connor leads the resistance to victory.
John Connor: How? Why? Why me?
Terminator: You are John Connor.
John Connor: Christ! My mom fed me that bull**** since the cradle! Look at me! I'm no leader! I never was! I'm never gonna-
[is choked by Terminator]
John Connor: Let go!
Terminator: You're right. You're not the one I want. You're wasting my time.
John Connor: **** you, you ****ing machine!
[is released by Terminator]
Terminator: Better.
John Connor: What, you were just dicking with me?
Terminator: Anger is more useful than despair.

Terminator: I'm back.

Angry Man: [John Connor just rear-ended him] Son of a bitch. Goddamit. Look what you did to my car. This is my company car, *******. Get your ass out here. Get your ass out of the car now.
[John tries to start his car]
Angry Man: What are you doing? If you don't have insurance, I'm gonna rip your balls off.
Kate Brewster: Help. I'm being kidnapped.
Angry Man: What's going on here? Who's back there?
John Connor: I...
Angry Man: Shut up.

Terminator: It was Katherine Brewster who reprogrammed me and sent me back through the time displacement field.
John Connor: Why didn't I send you back?
Terminator: I'm not authorized to answer your questions.
Kate Brewster: Why didn't he send you back?
Terminator: He was dead.
John Connor: Oh, well that sucks.

Dr. Peter Silberman: I know what it's like to be in a hostage situation, I've been there myself. The fear, the adrenaline you find yourself, imagining things, impossible things, crazy things, insane things... take years to get over it.

[John puts a gun to his head]
John Connor: **** my destiny.

Terminator: Desire is irrelevant. I am a machine.

John Connor: What is your mission?
Terminator: To. . .ensure the survival. . .of John Connor. . .and Katherine Brewster.
John Connor: You are about to fail that mission.

Terminator: John Connor. It is time.
John Connor: Are you here to kill me?
Terminator: No. You must live.

Kate Brewster: Just die you bitch.

John Connor: The T-X, can you find a way to destroy it?
Terminator: Unlikely, I'm an obsolete design.

[the Terminator goes to close the trunk]
Kate Brewster: You said you'd let me go.
Terminator: I lied.

Terminator: Don't do that.

John Connor: We stopped Judgment Day.
Terminator: You only postponed it. Judgment Day is inevitable.

[Coleman]

Austin Powers: "Ya know Dr. Evil, I used'ta think you were crazy. But now I can see your nuts." - Austin Powers: Goldmember

Cant Think of the Guys Name: "I'll be back...HA! Bet you didnt think I was gonna say that...!" - Last Action Hero. (If you havent seen that movie, that line wont be funny. I laughed out loud the first time I heard it.)

I really cant think of quotes on cue. I'll post more when I think of some.

[The Professional]

"Whole lotta magic"
The Warriors

"They have something to lose"
The Punisher

"Party on Wayne" "Party on Garth"
Wayne's world

"You wanna know where Coop went. Try the place with the most grossly exploitation of children."
"Scenario number two, Coop went to Disneyworld"
Baseketball

[Acid]

Nigel Powers-"There's only two kinds of people i don't like:
People who can't accept other people's culture...
and the Dutch"- Austin Powers: Goldmember

Scott-"It feels good, on the whole/hole"- Austin Powers: Goldmember

Jabba the hut-"uefyqgfy8wergbgueg89ernui"- Star Wars Episode VI

?-"We'll just tell your mother we ate it all"- American Pie

?-"No, she's like Darth Vader, except with way better boobs"- Saving Silverman

[The Professional]

"Now I'm torn between my loyalties to the boss and my desire to piss with the lights on"
Clerks

"Let's do the scooby doo ending"
Waynes world

"Can You dig it?"
The Warriors

"Made you kill your best friend, made you kill your wife, now I've killed you"
The Punisher

"Who do you think God really favors in the web? The spider, or the fly?"
Blade 2

"You didn't think I forgot about you, did ya? "
Blade 2

[T1000416]

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Sam Beauregarde: What is this Wonka, some kind of funhouse?
Willy Wonka: Why? Are you having fun?

Willy Wonka: Where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head?

Willy Wonka: There's no earthly way of knowing / Which direction we are going / There's no knowing where we're rowing / Or which way the river's flowing / Is it raining? / Is it snowing? / Is a hurricane a-blowing? / Not a speck of light is showing / So the danger must be growing / Are the fires of hell a-glowing? / Is the grisly reaper mowing? / Yes, the danger must be growing / 'Cause the rowers keep on rowing / And they're certainly not showing / Any signs that they are slowing.

Willy Wonka: Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, and not a drop to drink... yet.

Willy Wonka: So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it.

Mrs. Gloop: My son. He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds.
Willy Wonka: Impossible, my dear lady. That's absurd. Unthinkable.
Mrs. Gloop: Why?
Willy Wonka: Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow rooom. It goes to the fudge room.

Willy Wonka: Well, fortunately, small boys are extremely springy and elastic. So I think we'll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine. That should do the trick.
[to an Oompa Loompa]
Willy Wonka: To the taffy-pulling room. You'll find the boy in his mother's purse. But be extremely careful.
Mrs. Teevee: To the taffy-pulling room?
[Oompa Loompa whispers to Wonka]
Willy Wonka: No, no. I won't hold you responsible.

[last lines]
Willy Wonka: But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he he always wanted.
Charlie Bucket: What happened?
Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after

Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka, they won't really be burned in the furnace, will they?
Willy Wonka: Well, I think that furnace is only lit every other day, so they have a good sporting chance, haven't they?

Willy Wonka: [singing] In springtime, the only pretty ring time, birds sing hey ding, a-ding, a-ding. Sweet lovers love the spring.

Willy Wonka: Oh, you can't get out backwards. You've got to go forwards to go back, better press on

Willy Wonka: [shaking Grandpa Joe's hand] Delighted to meet you, sir. Overjoyed, enraptured, entranced. Are we ready? Yes, good. In we go.

Mrs. Gloop: Don't just stand there do something.
Willy Wonka: [sarcastically] Help. Police. Murder.

Mike Teevee: Wait 'til I get a real one. Colt 45. Pop won't let me have one yet, will ya, pop?
Mr. Teevee: Not 'til you're 12, son.

Charlie Bucket: It's perfect.
Mrs. Teevee: It's unbelievable.
Grandpa Joe: It's a miracle.
Mike Teevee: It's a TV dinner.
Willy Wonka: It's Wonkavision.
Grandpa Joe: It could change the world.

Grandpa Joe: But the roof is made of glass. It'll shatter into a thousand pieces. We'll be cut to ribbons.
Willy Wonka: Probably.

Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka, what's gonna happen to the other kids? Augustus, Veruca?
Willy Wonka: My dear boy, I promise you they'll be quite all right. When they leave here, they'll be completely restored to their normal, terrible old selves. But maybe they'll be a little bit wiser for the wear. Anyway, don't worry about them.

Willy Wonka: Goodbye, Mrs. Gloop! Adieu! Auvidersein! Gesundheit! Farewell!

Willy Wonka: It happens every time, they all become blueberries.

Willy Wonka: She was a bag egg

[The Professional]

From Anchorman:

"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair."

"You are a smelly pirate hooker!"

"I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do. A straight shot. Right to the babymaker."

"Why'd you say that Ron? Why? You're my hero. And you say something dirty. Like poop. Poop mouth. I hate you Ron Burgundy, I hate you!"

"I'm in a glass case of emotion!"

"You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?"
"Dammit! Who typed a question mark on the Teleprompter?"

"Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in German means a whale's vagina."
"No, there's no way that's correct."
"I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago"
"Doesn't it mean Saint Diego?"
"No No"
"No, that's - that's what it means. Really"
"Agree to disagree"

"Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!"

"Brick, where did you get a hand grenade?"
"I don't know"

"What in the hell's diversity?"
"Well, I could be wrong, but I believe uh, diversity is an old wooden ship that was used during the civil war era"

"Bark twice if you're in Milwaukee."

"I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science."

"There was a time, a time before cable. When the local anchorman reigned supreme. When people believed everything they heard on TV. This was an age when only men were allowed to read the news. And in San Diego, one anchorman was more man then the rest. His name was Ron Burgundy. He was like a god walking amongst mere mortals. He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, Ron Burgundy was the balls."

"I drank a lava lamp. It wasn't lava"

" I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded. "

"Um, Brick, before I let you go, are you still having your celebrity golf tournament?"
"Um, no, no? too many people died last year, so we're not gonna"

[Infamous1]

Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

Sheriff of Rottingham: A chastity belt! That's really going to chafe my willy!

Prince John: Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
Latrine: We changed it in the 9th century.
Prince John: You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"?
Latrine: Yeah. Used to be "****house."
Prince John: It's a good change. That's a good change!

Prince John: And why would the people listen to you?
Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.

Prince John: Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you, yes, I've got it!

Achoo: Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!

Robin Hood: I lost. I lost? Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.

Robin Hood: Are you with me? Yea or Nay?
Villager: Well which one means yes?

Guard: Where is your king?
Robin Hood: King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?

Robin Hood: I am Robin Hood, and these are my Merry Men!
Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles?
Robin Hood: No, straight. Just Merry.

Spaceballs.

Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.

Princess Vespa: I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.
Lone Starr: Oh great. That's all we needed. A Druish princess.
Barf: Funny, she doesn't look Druish.

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!

Lone Starr: What the hell was that noise?
Dot Matrix: That was my virgin-alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do!

Dark Helmet: Before you die there is something you should know about us, Lone Star.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
Lone Starr: What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing! Which is what you are about to become.

Yogurt: And may the schwartz be with you!

Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed.
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
Colonel Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

Dark Helmet: What did you do? You turned it off!
Colonel Sandurz: Turned off what? I just turned off the screen.
Colonel Sandurz: No, you didnt! You turned off the movie!

Dark Helmet: What's happening? Where is this in the movie?
Colonel Sandurz: Now, sir. What's happening, now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: Now?
Colonel Sandurz: Now!
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: How soon?
Major: Sir!
Colonel Sandurz: What?
Major: We've identified thier location.
Dark Helmet: Where?
Major: It's the Moon Of Vega.
Colonel Sandurz: Good work. Set a course and prepare for our arrival.
Dark Helmet: When?
Major: Ninteen hundred hours.
Colonel Sandurz: By tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.
Dark Helmet: WHO?

Yogurt: I am the keeper of a greater power, a power known throughout the universe as the...
Barf: ...the Force?
Yogurt: No, the Schwartz!

Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: I don't know about this beaming stuff? Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

Colonel Sandurz: Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!

Dark Helmet: Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Laser Gunner: Sorry sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an ******* sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. *******, Major *******!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an ******* too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip *******!
Dark Helmet: How many asholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by *******s!
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, *******s!

Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!

[The Professional]

From Baseketball:

Joseph R. Cooper: Go back to your fancy cars, and your big bank accounts, and your celebrity friends, and your beautiful women, and Victoria Silvestedt, Playmate of the Year... ****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joseph R. Cooper: If you want unanimous consent, you're gonna have to get it from one of the other owners.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Your bed is over here.
[indicates a dog bed]
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Dude, that is so ****in' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Yeah I could.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No. Dude, you're a little bitch!
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not! I don't even know why I hang out with you guys, anyway.
Joseph R. Cooper: 'Cause you're a piece of ****.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not a piece of ****!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, but you're a little bitch.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Goddammit! I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times... I'm outta here!

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Joseph R. Cooper: Hey pig****er, can I call you pig****er?
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, only my friends can call me pig****er.

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[standing at the front door]
Coop: It's Coop and Remer.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We graduated with Britney.
Dr. Kaiser: You graduated?
Coop: Of course we graduated, **** - Beer?
[in the house]
Remer: Man this place looks like a Dockers commercial.
Coop: Oh hey, Stef!
Stephanie: Coop! Remer!
Coop: You wanna beer?
Stephanie: Oh, my God, you guys haven't changed since High School!
Coop: Oh, cool.
Stephanie: No, it isn't.
Coop: ****. Hey, Skidmark Steve, cool. You sill hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?
Skidmark Steve: Well, if you must know, I'm in my second year of med school and I'm training for the Summer Games. What are you two up to?
Coop: Just hanging out. Playing Nintendo. ****.

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Coop: Oh hey! Skidmark Steve! You still just hangin' out, playin' Nintendo?
Guy at reunion: Well if you must know, I'm in my second year of Med School and I'm practicing for the summer games. What are you up to?
Coop: You know... hangin' out... playin' Nintendo... ****!

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer: We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.
Joseph R. Cooper: I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.

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Joseph R. Cooper: Who's this guy?
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: He's my entertainment lawyer. He's helping me with my movie contract.
Joseph R. Cooper: Now you're such a big shot you're gonna act in a Hollywood movie? ****ing sellout.

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Joseph R. Cooper: Thanks a lot, Doctor Dickhead! You totally ****ed me there!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, relax. It was a joke.
Joseph R. Cooper: Why don't you give it up! She doesn't even like you!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You think she got the hots for you? ****. Squeak has a better chance that you do.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey, you think?
Joseph R. Cooper: That is low. You son of a bitch.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Why is that low?
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude, I know you're feeling jealous right now. Don't blame me because I have a sweet ass! I can't help it!

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Referee 1: What's the matter with Coop?
Referee 2: I don't know, but he's 1 for 11 and he smells like Christian Slater!

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Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: If I make this next shot, you'll have to stop calling me Squeak.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Okay.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Or bitch.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Or bitch.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Okay.
[Squeak throws the ball and misses]
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Tough break, Squeak.
Joseph R. Cooper: Yeah, now you gotta fetch the ball, bitch.

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer: [after Squeak misses the shot] Now you have to go fetch the ball bitch!

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Joseph R. Cooper: Steve Perry!

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.
Joseph R. Cooper: No you don't, you like Taco Bell!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: No, one time I was at this hospital, and I met this great chick.
Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that was a hostel.

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Joseph R. Cooper: If I had a nickel for every time that ball saved me, I'd have a ****load of nickels!

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Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: I am not going out with his sister!
Joseph R. Cooper: Dude, that's the defense, ya gotta psych them out.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Yeah, ya gotta say totally ****ed up **** to psych them out.
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Oh... Hey wait a minute, why is me going out with his sister totally ****ed up?

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Joseph R. Cooper: What is something you really want?
Joey: Chelsea Clinton.
Joseph R. Cooper: That's a tough order, dude.
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: You'd have a better shot at Bill.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Listen to me little bitch! You either go out there and make that shot or I'm gonna shove your head so far up your ****in' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!

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[Coop and Reemer are fighting]
Kenny "Squeak" Scolari: Hey! Would you just stop it? Would you just hold on a minute? Look at you guys... fighting on the Malaka-Laka board! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Back in the driveway, we were nothing! Now we've risen to the highest level, but you're throwin' it all away! If you've forgotten what BASEketball means to America, you have only to look at this board - the Malaka-Laka Balance Board of Trust. Don't you see what we have here? A game where guys with bad backs and bad knees can... get together and compete on the same field as guys that are all goosed up on steroids. But more than anything, isn't this game about gettin' together with your friends and just havin' a good time? I remember. I remember a long time ago, I didn't have anybody. You guys took me in. I guess that's why it kills me to see you like this. If we can't be friends... then the heart and soul are out of this game. Certainly out of me. I know I'll never get that back again. We have sullied the waters of the Lagoon of Peace! I'm begging you, for the love of our Caribbean brothers, dudes, stop this madness!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robert Stack: Scenario one, hanging by his neck in his ****ing closet.

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Jenna Reed: You wanna know where Coop went. Try the place with the most grossly exploitation of children.
Robert Stack: Scenario number two, Coop went to Disneyworld

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Joseph R. Cooper: [with Australian accent] How to speak San Franciscan ?
[He pulls Squeak's shorts down, revealing his bottom]
Joseph R. Cooper: Vagina !

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Coop: I'm not gonna do it, dude, end of story!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!
Coop: Dude!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!
Coop: Dude!
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude!
[Coop looks shocked]
Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Dude.
Coop: I see your point.

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Douglas "Swish" Reemer: Wake up bitch! You're my new best friend!

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Joseph R. Cooper: Hey, Grumsky, you losin' weight?
[in Cartman's voice]
Joseph R. Cooper: Oh, Big ass! you're ****in' fat. You're goddamn ****in' fat. How'd you get so goddamn ****in' fat?

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Bob Costas: And joining us in the booth this evening, big fan of BASEketball, Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.

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Singer: [singing] And those warts on your d!ck won't go away, unless you use topical ointment everyday.

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Jenna Reed: Excuse me, driver? Can you go any faster?
Dale Earnhardt: [looks back] Can I go any faster?
[puts on his trademark black Goodwrench race helmet and accelerates the taxi]
Dale Earnhardt: HANG ON!

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Narrator: Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surgeon: Has there been a rise in his fluid intake? SWEET JESUS! His sodium levels are through the roof!
Surgery Nurse: I don't get it. He's eight years old and he smells like Robert Downey Jr.

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Joseph R. Cooper: No, it's not like horse.

[Underground Man]

Two that I thought of off the top of my head...both from Trainspotting:

"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a ****ing big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of ****ing fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing ****ing junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, ****ed-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?"


RENTON: "I chose not to choose life: I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who need reasons when you've got heroin?"


I was gonna leave it at those two, but I gotta include the best ending lines of any movie:

Verbal Kent: "And like that...he's gone." (The Usual Suspects)

[The Professional]

From Blade: Dr. Karen Jenson: You used me as bait?
Blade: Get over it.

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Deacon Frost: You may wake up one day and find yourself extinct.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whistler: I'm getting too old for this ****! Somebody get me a god-damned wheelchair!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quinn: I'm gonna be naughty! I'm gonna be a naughty vampire god!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: The world you live in is just a sugar-coated topping. There is another world beneath it. The real world.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deacon Frost: Tonight, the age of man comes to an end.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: Some mother****ers always trying to ice skate uphill.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Karen Jenson: Wait! I'm coming with you.
Blade: You're useless.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: How do you think we fund this little operation? We're not exactly the March of Dimes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: There are worse things out tonight than vampires.
Dr. Karen Jenson: Like what?
Blade: Like me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Karen Jenson: So what do you use? Stakes? Crosses?
Whistler: Crosses don't do squat.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: OK, Vampire Anatomy 101, crosses and running water don't do dick so you forget what you've seen in the movies. You use a stake, silver or sunlight. You know how to use one of these?
Dr. Karen Jenson: No, but I sure do learn quick.
Blade: Safety's off, round's already chambered. Silver hollowpoint filled with garlic. You aim for the head or the heart, anything else, is your ass...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pearl: He's gonna kill me! You need me, Frost! You need me!
Frost: Pearl, you're history. Have the good grace to die with some ****ing dignity.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pearl: ...there's nothing you can do about it, Daywalker!
Blade: Is that so?
Pearl: Well, that's what Frost says.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: Frost, your nothing to me but another dead vampire.
Frost: You're and idiot, you know that?

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Dr. Karen Jenson: Vampires like you aren't a species, you're just infected, a virus, a sexually transmitted disease.
Frost: I'll tell you what we are, sister. We're the top of the ****ing food chain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Karen Jenson: Isn't this just a little high-tech? I thought vampires were more into cobwebs and coffins.
Blade: You've been watching too much TV. They've got their claws into everything - politics, finance, real estate. They already own half of downtown.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Karen Jenson: You know, my mother used to say: A cold heart is a dead heart.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: You better wake up. The world you live in is nothing but a sugarcoated topping! There is another world beneath it. And if you want to survive it you better learn how to PULL THE TRIGGER!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Karen Jenson: You're one of them, aren't you?
Blade: No, I'm something else.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quinn: You took my arm man. I owe you one.
[Stabs Blades' arm]
Quinn: But if you want to get technical Blade, I owe you two.
[Blade starts laughing]
Quinn: What's so funny?
Blade: I'm expecting company
[Wall explodes]
Whistler: Did I catch you ****ers at a bad time?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whistler: Blade's mother was attacked by a vampire while she was pregnant.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Karen Jenson: You have a lot of love for him, don't you?
Blade: We have a good arrangement. He makes the weapons. I use them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: WHAT is that?
Pearl: Oh that's nothing, it's routine research. Actually, it's video game.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Holding a sword]
Deacon Frost: Hey Blade, let's do this.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: [after being shot by hospital security] Mother ****er! Are you out of your damn mind?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deacon Frost: I need twelve volunteers.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: They're vampires.
Dr. Karen Jenson: How can you tell?
Blade: By the way they move. They way they smell.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quinn: HE WANTS BLADE ALIVE!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Karen sprays Officer Krieger with garlic mace]
Officer Krieger: What is this? Garlic?
Dr. Karen Jenson: Yeah, well he said it would work against vampires.
Officer Krieger: Vampires? Who said I was a vampire?
Blade: [suddenly appears and knocks Krieger to the floor] Nobody.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Officer Krieger: Go **** yourself!
Blade: **** me, no, you suck this.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: What do I care? They're just cattle.
Deacon Frost: You're an idiot, you know that?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frost: Hey I heard you've been looking for me, I'm flattered.
Blade: It'll pass.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deacon Frost: What? Your serum! Can't help you know stud.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deacon Frost: I'm offering you a truce- I want you with us.
Blade: Hey, you think I'm stupid?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Blade pins Quinn to the wall with his silver spikes]
Blade: Quinn. I'm gettin' a little tired of choppin' you up. Thought I might try fire for a change.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deacon Frost: Well here we are, one big happy ****ing family!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: I promise you, Frost, you will be dead by dawn.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: Sunblock.
Deacon Frost: Hey, it's a start, right? The goal, of course to be like you- Daywalker!
Blade: Maybe I don't see it that way.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after Blade has fought him and not hurt him]
Deacon Frost: My turn.

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Whistler: [Hands Blade UV flashlight]
Blade: Still heavy.
Whistler: You're so big.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dragonetti: I was born a vampire. But you... you were merely turned

From Blade 2:

Reinhardt: Like my daddy said right before he killed my mom, "If ya want somethin' done right, ya gotta do it yourself". He also said...
Blade: Can you blush?
[Blade slices Reinhardt in half with his sword]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: [noticing vampire tattoo] You're human.
Kounen: Barely. I'm a lawyer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: There's an old saying: Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scud: So B-man, what do you think?
Blade: Sounds like a plan.
Whistler: What do you really think?
Blade: They're gonna **** us the first chance they get.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: How do you feel?
Whistler: Like hammered ****.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scud: How ya doin' up there, W?
Whistler: Walkin' on sunshine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nomak: Vampires... I hate vampires...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reinhardt: Can you blush?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after being scolded for turning on the ultraviolet light]
Whistler: Yeah well some of us can't see in the dark ya ****in' nipple head, what am I supposed to do?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whistler: Better wear your sunblock, Buttercup.
Chupa: Listen, **** kicker! You're about one **** hair away from hillbilly heaven.
Whistler: I love it when you talk dirty.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scud: Lock up your daughters boys and girls, the dark knight returns.

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Whistler: How did you find me?
Blade: I started out in Moscow then Romania. They kept moving you around.
Whistler: How long was I gone? Months?
Blade: Too long.
Whistler: [to himself] Years.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whistler: They tortured me almost to death, and then let me heal in a vat of blood so they could go at it again. Sorry sons of bitches could have at least fixed my damn leg while they were at it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eli Damaskinos: It has been said, "Be proud of your enemy and enjoy his success." In that case, I should thank you.
Blade: For what?
Kounen: Eliminating Deacon Frost. You actually did us a favor.

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Blade: We'll play along for now. They'll take us in deeper than we've ever been. To show us how their world really ticks.
Whistler: I've had enough of their world. They're ****ting bricks just because they're no longer on the top of the damn food chain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Priest: Look at them. Half of these bastards. They're not even pure bloods. I tell you what, why don't we ****ing kill everyone just to make sure.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nomak: Is the enemy of my enemy my friend or my enemy?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: You obviously do not KNOW WHO YOU'RE ****ING WITH!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rush: ****! It's not silver, but it still hurts like hell!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after explaining to Blade how to use a UV bomb]
Nyssa: Your not coming?
Scud: No, I'm a lover, not a fighter.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Gearing up to go Reaper hunting]
Chupa: Let me ask one question... how the hell we going to find these Reapers?
Blade: We won't have to... they'll come to us.
[Nyssa throws Chupa a spray bottle, looking at it he accidentally sprays some in his face]
Chupa: [Coughs] , What is this ****?
Nyssa: Pheromones, harvested from the Reapers adrenal glands. They're going to key to it.
Reinhardt: They want us to spray on some suckpuppy's nut juice?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[as Whistler tries to join Blade in entering the House Of Pain]
Whistler: Let's go.
Chupa: You won't pass for one of us.
Whistler: Like I give a ****.
Blade: Why don't you to post on the roof over there? Cover our backs.
Whistler: So the Bloodpack's calling the shots now, huh? Great.
Reinhardt: Better curb that dog of yours or we'll do it for you.
Blade: [Arms bomb] Keep pushing, *******.
[Disarms bomb]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eli Damaskinos: Who do you think God really favors in the web? The spider, or the fly?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Chupa notices that the pheromone canister is spraying]
Chupa: What are you trying to do? Stink me to death old man?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after Scud has just been blown up by a bomb]
Whistler: I was just startin' to like him.

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[last lines]
Blade: You didn't think I forgot about you, did ya?

From Blade Trinity:

[after Hannibal kills the vampire dogs]
Jarko Grimwood: Hey, dickhead. Have you seen my dog?
Hannibal King: Have you checked the lobby?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: Unlike other vampires, her fangs are located in her vagina.
[uncomfortable pause]
Hannibal King: Okay, moving on...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: I had a lot of sugar this morning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hedges: Dracula probably has thousands of tiny bones in his body, sort of like a snake...
Hannibal King: Let me ask you one question: Have you ever been laid?
Hedges: Yes, many times. Many times. With ladies.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: You stay here, kitten. I'm gonna get some help.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Danica Talos: The world's changed since your time. The humans have a new hunter... Blade.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Whistler: Congratulations, you're famous. Somebody nailed us. Faces all over the papers, televisions. Media's eating it up.
Blade: Like I care.
Abraham Whistler: Well, you should. Somethin' like this, takin' out a human, as far as the rest of the world is concerned, you're public enemy #1.
Blade: Didn't notice it was a popularity contest.

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Special Agent Ray Comblin: Say Blade, how many people have you killed? 30? 40? 50?
Blade: 1182, but they were all familiars

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: You're not immortal. I must have heard hundreds of you rodents make the same claim. Each one of them has tasted the end of my sword.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: Which means the fat lady should be singing right... about... NOW!
[pause where nothing happens]
Hannibal King: Oh, this is awkward.
[Still nothing]
Hannibal King: Anyone have a cell phone?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: [to Ash] Go **** your sister!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Asher Talos: [about the Nightstalkers attack] They caught us with our pants down.
Jarko Grimwood: Pants down? They pretty much ****ing ass-raped us!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Danica Talos: Enough! It's not funny anymore!
Hannibal King: No it's not, you horse-humping bitch!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Danica Talos: Enough! It's not funny anymore!
Hannibal King: No, it's not, you horse-humping bitch! But it will be in a few seconds from now. See, that tickle that you're feeling in the back of your throat right now... that's atomized colloidal silver, it's being pumped through the building's air conditioning system, you ****-juggling thunder****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Jarko punches King]
Hannibal King: Gonna be sorry you did that.
Asher Talos: Why? Nobody's coming for you King****.
Hannibal King: Sure they are. God- see, one of the things you ****heads need to know aobut us Nightstalkers is that when you join our club, you get all sorts of groovy door prizes, and one of them is this nifty little tracking node surgically implanted in your body.
[All laugh]
Jarko Grimwood: Bull****.
Hannibal King: Yeah, see, when one of us goes missing the others, they just dial up the satellite... which is in space. And then presto. Instant cavalry.
[All clap]
Hannibal King: You like that huh?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Danica Talos: Okay King, where is this tracking node of yours?
Hannibal King: It's in my left ass cheek.
[Danica slaps King in the face]
Hannibal King: Fine. It's in my right ass cheek.
[Danica slaps King in the face again]
Hannibal King: Okay, I'm - okay, seriously now. It's in the meat of my butt, just below the Hello Kitty tattoo.
[Danica kicks King in the groin]
Hannibal King: Seriously, just pull down my tighty-whities and see for yourself.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other?
Abigail Whistler: Shut up King.
Hannibal King: See you in 28 days.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: [Blade and Abigail walk into Hannibal's hospital room] Hey Blade, I got a question for you... Let's say we succeed in whiping out all the vampires. What then? Huh? Ever ask yourself that? I mean some how I don't picture you teaching Karate at the local Y.
[Blade just walks off; Hannibal looks at Abigail]
Hannibal King: ... He hates me doesn't he?
Abigail Whistler: Yea.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: So, can we sign you up for one of our Nightstalkers secret decoder rings?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blade: Open it.
Chief Martin Vreede: I can't, they'll kill me.
Blade: Kill you? Mother****er I'LL kill you! I'll just enjoy it better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: You made a goddamn vampire pomeranian?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: Too bad the dog's dick is bigger than yours.
Jarko Grimwood: When the **** did you see my dick?
Hannibal King: [pointing his chin towards Danica Talos] I was talking to her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: You ****-juggling thunder****!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zoe: Why do you do that?
Blade: There's bad stuff inside me, this keeps it from getting out.
Zoe: Why can't you just be nice?
Blade: Because the world isn't nice.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: [comes across the vampire dog] **** me.
[two Rotweilers, also vampire dogs, come into frame]
Hannibal King: **** me sideways.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: We call ourselves the Nightstalkers.
Blade: Sounds like a reject from a Saturday morning cartoon.
Hannibal King: Well, we were going to go with the Care Bears, but that was taken.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: I just have two things to say to you. One, your hairdo is ridiculous. And two, I ate a bunch of garlic and I just farted. Silent but deadly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dracula: Are you ready to die Blade?
Blade: I was born ready mother****er!
Dracula: Mother****er... I like that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal's Name Tag: Hello my name is: **** you

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abigail Whistler: [about to stab a vampire thug who said it to her] Scream if this hurts, chica!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: [after breaking in through the window] Good evenin', ladies

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zoe: [to Dracula] My friends are coming to kill you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Edgar Vance: What's the date today? Can you tell me what day it is?
Blade: [declines to answer]
Dr. Edgar Vance: What about the president? Surely you know that? Can you tell me who's in the White House?
Blade: An *******.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hannibal King: [calls to Blade as Blade disappears into the ventilation shaft] Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where're you going?
[turns to Abby]
Hannibal King: Where the **** is he going? This is supposed to be a rescue!
Blade: [later, after Abby and Hannibal have fought their way out of the building] Forgot my sword.

[GardenOfZombies]

"Here is the list of your dead friends in order they died" -Kitano(7th Grade Teacher)
Battle Royale-

"That were my friends" -Nanahara Shuya (Bad Translation on Battle Royale)-

"MOMMYYYY!!!!!!!!" - Winey girl from BR II-

[The Professional]

From Donnie Darko

[to Cherita Chen]
Donnie: I promise, that one day, everything's going to be better for you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village, but the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have reproductive organs under those little white pants. That's what's so illogical, you know, about being a Smurf. What's the point of living if you don't have a dick?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: How can you do that?
Frank: I can do anything I want. And so can you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[At the school assembly speaking out against Jim Cunningham]
Donnie: Do you want your sister to lose weight? Tell her to get off the couch, stop eating twinkies and maybe go out for field hockey. You know what? No one ever knows what they want to be when they grow up. You know it takes a little, little while to find that out, right, Jim? And you... yeah, you. Sick of some jerk shoving your head down the toilet? Well, you know what? Maybe... you should lift some weights, or uh, take a karate lesson and the next time he's tries to do it, you kick him in the balls.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kitty Farmer: [Tearfully to Rose Darko] Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Karen Pommeroy: It was as though this plan had been with him all his life, pondered through the seasons, now in his fifteenth year crystallized with the pain of puberty.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: I made a new friend today.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: Real or imaginary?
Donnie: Imaginary.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank: 28 days... six hours... 42 minutes... 12 seconds. That... is when the world... will end.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eddie: That damn airline better not **** us on the shingle match.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gretchen: You're weird.
Donnie: Sorry.
Gretchen: No, that was a compliment.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[from the Extended and Deleted Scenes. The class is discussing Watership Down]
Karen Pommeroy: This could be the death of an entire way of life, the end of an era...
Donnie: Why should we care?
Karen Pommeroy: Because the rabbits are us, Donnie.
Donnie: Why should I mourn for a rabbit like he was human?
Karen Pommeroy: Are you saying that the death of one species is less tragic than another?
Donnie: Of course. The rabbit's not like us. It has no... keen look at something in the mirror, it has no history books, no photographs, no knowledge of sorrow or regret... I mean, I'm sorry, Miss Pommeroy, don't get me wrong; y'know, I like rabbits and all. They're cute and they're horny. And if you're cute and you're horny, then you're probably happy, in that you don't know who you are and why you're even alive. And you just wanna' have sex, as many times as possible, before you die... I mean, I just don't see the point in crying over a dead rabbit! Y'know, who... who never even feared death to begin with.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: Why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?
Frank: Why are you wearing that stupid man suit?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gretchen: Donnie Darko? What the hell kind of name is that? It's like some sort of superhero or something
Donnie: What makes you think I'm not?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: [in a letter] Dear Roberta Sparrow, I have reached the end of your book and... there are so many things that I need to ask you. Sometimes I'm afraid of what you might tell me. Sometimes I'm afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction. I can only hope that the answers will come to me in my sleep. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kitty Farmer: No. Duh is a product of fear.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kitty Farmer: I'll tell you what he said. He asked me to forcibly insert the Life Line exercise card into my anus.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: [to his mother] How's it feel to have a wacko for a son?
Rose Darko: It feels wonderful.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Roberta Sparrow: Every living creature on this earth dies alone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gretchen: ...what if you could go back in time, and take all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: You are such a ****ass.
Elizabeth: Did you just call me a ****ass? You can go suck a ****.
Donnie: Oh, please, tell me Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a ****?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: Frank, when's this gonna stop?
Frank: You should already know that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Lilian Thurman: The search for God is absurd?
Donnie: It is if everyone dies alone.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim Cunningham: Son... DO YOU SEE THIS? This is an Anger Prisoner. A textbook example. DO YOU SEE THE FEAR, PEOPLE? This boy is scared to death of the truth. Son, it breaks my heart to say this, but I believe you are a very troubled and confused young man. I believe you are searching for the answers in all the wrong places...
Donnie: You're right, actually. I am pretty- I'm, I'm pretty troubled and I'm, I'm pretty confused. But I. . .and I'm afraid. Really, really afraid. Really afraid. But I... I... I think you're the ****ing Antichrist.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kitty Farmer: Not only am I a teacher, but I am also the mother of a Middlesex child. Therefore, I am the only person here who transcends the parent-teacher bridge.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gretchen: My mom had to get a restraining order against my step dad. He has emotional problems.
Donnie: Oh, I have those too. What kind does your step dad have?
Gretchen: He stabbed my mom four times in the chest.
Donnie: Oh.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Watching George Bush Snr. give a speech on TV]
Edward Darko: Tell 'em, George.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samantha Darko: What's a ****ass?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rose Darko: Do you even know who Graham Greene is?
Kitty Farmer: I think we've all seen Bonanza.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: I am not going to be able to continue this conversation
Donnie: Why?
Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: I could lose my job.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cherita Chen: Chut up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Lilian Thurman: If the sky were to suddenly open up, there would be no law, there would be no rule. There would only be you and your memories.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Lilian Thurman: If this world were to end, there would only be you... and him... and no one else.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank: Wake up, Donnie.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prof. Kenneth Monnitoff: And did you stop and think that maybe infants need darkness? That maybe darkness is part of their natural development.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gretchen: Some people are just born with tragedy in their blood.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: Well look, um... uh... you wanna go with me?
Gretchen: Where do you wanna go?
Donnie: No, I mean like go with me, like you know... like, that's what we call it here... going together...
Gretchen: Sure
[pauses for a moment, turns and walks away]
Donnie: Ok-hey where're you going?
Gretchen: I'm going home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Donnie tries to kiss Gretchen and she pulls away]
Donnie: Well I-I, sorry I...
Gretchen: Donnie wait...
Donnie: I like you a lot...
Gretchen: I just want it to be... at a time when... it...
Donnie: When what?
Gretchen: When it reminds me just...
Donnie: When it reminds you of how beautiful the world can be?
Gretchen: Yeah...
[turns her head]
Gretchen: and right now there's some fat guy over there staring at us.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Karen Pommeroy: [to Principle Cole] I don't think that you have a clue what it's like to communicate with these kids. We are losing them to apathy... to this prescribed nonsense. They are slipping away.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[before a dance performance]
Kitty Farmer: Okay, now girls... I want you to concentrate. Failure is not an option. And Bethany, if you feel the need to vomit up there... just swallow it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: Ling Ling finds a wallet on the ground filled with money. She takes the wallet to the address on the driver's license but keeps the money inside the wallet.
[Scoffs]
Donnie: I-I'm sorry Mrs. Farmer. I don't get this.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: Life isn't that simple. I mean who cares if Ling Ling returns the wallet and keeps the money? It has nothing to do with either fear or love.
Kitty Farmer: Fear and love are the deepest of human emotions.
Donnie: Okay. But you're not listening to me. There are other things that need to be taken into account here. Like the whole spectrum of human emotion. You can't just lump everything into these two categories and then just deny everything else!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: My parents didn't get me what I wanted for Christmas.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: What did you want?
Donnie: Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Dr. Lilian Thurman: And how did you feel, being denied these hungry, hungry hippos?
Donnie: Regret.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Donnie is under hypnosis by his therapist]
Dr. Lilian Thurman: What else makes you feel regret, Donnie?
Donnie: [suddenly breaking into a wide grin] That I did it again...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Karen Pommeroy: This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that Cellar Door is the most beautiful.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Middlesex Student 1: Mom said the school is closed today because it's flooded, and there's feces everywhere!
Middlesex Student 2: What are feces?
Middlesex Student 1: Baby mice.
Middlesex Student 2&3: Awwww.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[first lines]
Elizabeth: I'm voting for Dukakis.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: I don't think about ****ing my family... that's gross.
[unbuttons his pants and tries to put his hand inside, but his therapist stops him]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donnie: [taking a cigarette] What will happen if you tell mom about this?
Samantha Darko: You'll put Ariel in the garbage disposal.
Donnie: Goddamn right I will.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[last lines]
Gretchen: Hey. What's going on?
David: Horrible accident. My neighbour... got killed.
Gretchen: What happened?
David: Got smooshed by a jet engine.
Gretchen: What was his name?
David: Donnie. Donnie Darko.
Gretchen: Hmm.
David: I feel bad for his family.
Gretchen: Yeah.
David: Did you know him?
Gretchen: No.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Seth is holding a knife to Donnie's throat as a car approaches along the road]
Seth Devlin: Did you ****ing call the cops?
Donnie: Deus ex machina...
Seth Devlin: What?
Donnie: Our saviour.

[Jake]

Eternal Sunshine

Clementine: I'm not some sort of...concept, Joel.
Joel: Okay
Clementine: I'm just a ****ed up girl looking for my own peace of mind

Clementine: Can I have a piece of your chicken?
*takes chicken*
Joel:...And then you just took it. It was so intimate, as if we were already lovers...

NOTE TO JOEL: Clementine has had Joel Barrish erased from her memory. Please never speak of this to her again

Joel: I took the train to Mantuak today. I don't know why. I'm not impulsive

Clementine: Please don't make fun of your name
Joel: i wouldn't know how...
Clementine: Sure you do! Remember Huckleberry Hound?
Joel: I've never heard of him
Clementine: You know, oh my darling oh my darling, oh my darling, Clementine...
Joel: I don't recall...

Clementine: Am I pretty, Joely?
Joel: Yes, why?
Clementine: I used to have a doll. I named it Clementine. It was the ugliest doll. I would always yell at it, "Be pretty!" It was as if I could make the doll pretty, I would magicall be pretty too...
Joel: You're pretty...you're pretty...you're pretty...
*Clementine starts fading away*
Joel: No! let me keep this one! You're pretty! No!

Mary: What?...
The Doctor: ...we have a history
Mary: huh?
Doctor: We had an affair...it didn't work out. We agreed it was for the best to erase me...
Mary: What!?

Big Fish

Edward; you know, in Chilie, parrots there speak nothing but french. You can hear them, speaking non-stop. The most elaborate frensh you've ever heard! They talk about everything, politics, fashion, everything except religion.
Will: Why not religion, dad?
Edward: it's rude to talk about religion
Will: Josephine was in Chilie last year.
*Edward looks at her*
Edward: Oh, so you know!

[The Professional]

From Life Of Brian

Brian: Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?
Reg: **** off! We're the People's Front of Judea
Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Attendee: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace - shut up!
Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
Dissenter: Uh, well, one.
Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
Brian?s mother: Stop thinking about sex!
Brian: I wasn't!
Brian?s mother: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "
Brian: I am NOT the Messiah!
Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.
Reg: If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
Brian: I do!
Reg: Oh yeah, how much?
Brian: A lot!
Reg: Right, you're in.
[a line of prisoners files past a jailer]
Coordinator: Crucifixion?
Stan: Yes.
Coordinator: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
[Next prisoner]
Coordinator: Crucifixion?
Stan: Er, no, freedom actually.
Coordinator: What?
Stan: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Coordinator: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Stan: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Coordinator: [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Stan: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Wise Man #1: We were led by a star.
Brian's mother: Led by a bottle, you mean.
Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack!
[they all stab themselves]
Suicide Squad Leader: That showed 'em, huh?
Brian?s mother: He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!
Brian: I'm not a roman mum, I'm a ****, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!
Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
Brian: Now, **** off!
[silence]
Arthur: How shall we **** off, O Lord?
Brian: There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-Leper: That's what Jesus said.
Brian: Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.
The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!
The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
Brian: You're all different!
The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
Man in crowd: I'm not...
The Crowd: Sch!
Reg: [arriving at Brian's crucifixion] Hello, Sibling Brian.
Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg.
Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
Brian: What?
Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
Matthias: Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah".
[Everyone gasps]
Jewish Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official: I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official: Was it you?
Stoner: Yes.
Jewish Official: Right...
Stoner: Well you did say "Jehovah. "
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah. "
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]
Brian: You have to be different!
The Crowd: Yes, we are all different!
Small lonely voice: I'm not!
Brian?s mother: What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
Brian?s mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.
Brian?s mother: And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #3: No, no, that's just him.
Brian?s mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Judith: [on Stan's desire to be a mother] Here! I've got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb - which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' - but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother... sister, sorry.
Reg: What's the *point*?
Francis: What?
Reg: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?
Francis: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg: It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.
Centurion: You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?
Matthias: No.
Centurion: Crucifixion!
Matthias: Oh.
Centurion: Nasty, eh?
Matthias: Could be worse.
Centurion: What you mean "Could be worse"?
Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed.
Centurion: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.
Matthias: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
Centurion: You're weird!
Spectator I: I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers".
Mrs. Gregory: Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
[Brian is writing graffiti on the palace wall. The Centurion catches him in the act]
Centurion: What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes, they go, the house?
Brian: It says, "Romans go home. "
Centurion: No it doesn't ! What's the latin for "Roman"? Come on, come on !
Brian: Er, "Romanus" !
Centurion: Vocative plural of "Romanus" is?
Brian: Er, er, "Romani" !
Centurion: [Writes "Romani" over Brian's graffiti] "Eunt"? What is "eunt"? Conjugate the verb, "to go" !
Brian: Er, "Ire". Er, "eo", "is", "it", "imus", "itis", "eunt".
Centurion: So, "eunt" is...?
Brian: Third person plural present indicative, "they go".
Centurion: But, "Romans, go home" is an order. So you must use...?
[He twists Brian's ear]
Brian: Aaagh ! The imperative !
Centurion: Which is...?
Brian: Aaaagh ! Er, er, "i" !
Centurion: How many Romans?
Brian: Aaaaagh ! Plural, plural, er, "ite" !
Centurion: [Writes "ite"] "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home" is motion towards, isn't it?
Brian: Dative !
[the Centurion holds a sword to his throat]
Brian: Aaagh ! Not the dative, not the dative ! Er, er, accusative, "Domum" !
Centurion: But "Domus" takes the locative, which is...?
Brian: Er, "Domum" !
Centurion: [Writes "Domum"] Understand? Now, write it out a hundred times.
Brian: Yes sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
Centurion: Hail Caesar ! And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Pontius Pilate: Stwike him, Centuwion. Stwike him vewy wuffly!
Pontius Pilate: So, youw fawtha was a Woman. Who was he?
Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrison.
Pontius Pilate: What was his name?
Brian: Nottius Maximus, sir.
[the Centurion giggles]
Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do you have anyone in your gawwison by that name?
Centurion: No, sir.
Pontius Pilate: Well, you seem awfully suwe, have you checked?
Centurion: I think it's a joke, sir. Sort of like... uh... Sillius Sodus, or Biggus Dickus.
Pontius Pilate: What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
Centurion: Its a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy good fwiend in Wome named "Biggus Dickus. "
[guard laughs]
Pontius Pilate: WIGHT! THAT'S IT!
Centurion: Oh, but sir...
Pontius Pilate: No, no, no. I want him fighting weally, wild, wavish animals by the mowning!
Leper 1: Alms for a leper!
Leper 2: Alms for a leper!
Ex-Leper: Alms for an ex-leper!
Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth?
Brian: You sanctimonious bastards!
Centurion: I have an order for his release!
Brian: You stupid bastards!
Stan: Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian: What?
Stan: Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Centurion: Take him down!
Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Victim #1: Eh, I'm Brian!
Mr. Big Nose: I'm Brian!
Victim #2: Look, I'm Brian!
Brian: I'm Brian!
Victims: I'm Brian!
Gregory: I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Victims: I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Centurion: All right. Take him away and release him.
Stan: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
Mr. Big Nose: I'll get you for this, you bastard.
Parvus: Oh, yeah?
Mr. Big Nose: Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
Parvus: No?
Mr. Big Nose: I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Parvus: Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Mr. Big Nose: Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!
Gregory: A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.
Parvus: It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two.
Gregory: It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?
Mrs. Gregory: Oh, rather.
Gregory: Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.
[Taking the gifts from the Three Wise Men and pushing them out the door]
Brian?s mother: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye.
[Three wise men leave]
Brian?s mother: Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.
Boring Prophet: There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight O'clock.
Reg: From now on you shall be called Brian that is called Brian.
Brian: What will they do to me?
Ben the Prisoner: Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian: CRUCIFIXION?
Ben the Prisoner: Yeah, first offense.
Biggus Dickus: Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanthe if there ith a thudden crithith!
[I may be of some assistance if there is a sudden crisis]
Lead Singer Crucifee: You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!
Lead Singer Crucifee: [singing] Life's a piece of **** when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke; it's true.
Crucifees: [singing] Always look on the bright side of life.
Centurion: You are ****ing nicked, me old beauty!
[Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house]
Brian: They must have just popped by!
Brian's mother: Popped by? SWARMED by is more like it! There's a multitude out there!
Mrs. Big Nose: [trying to hear Jesus' sermon on the mount] Oh, it's blessed are the MEEK! Oh, I'm glad they're getting something, they have a hell of a time.
Reg: What Jesus fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.
Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called? She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks.
Stan: Listen I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.
Mr. Big Nose: Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide accross your face by the time I'm finished with you!
Reg: One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning!
[Brian falls out of a building and onto a stage of prophets, the crowd are watching him waiting for him to say something]
Brian: [UNSURE and stuttering] Don't pass judegement on other people, or you might be judged yourself.
Man in crowd: [Walking past] What?
Brian: I said, dont pass judgement on others or you might be judged yourself.
Man in crowd: [in small, squeaky voice] Who me? Oh, Thank you very much!
[last lines]
Lead Singer Crucifee: [as end credits role and crucifees are singing "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life"] It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer. Some of us have got to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him. I said to him, "Bernie", I said, "They'll never make their money back."
[first lines]
Wise Man #1: Ahem!
Brian?s mother: Oh!
[falls over in chair]
Brian?s mother: Who are you?
Wise Man #2: We are three wise men.
Brian?s mother: What?
Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.
Brian?s mother: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
The Crowd: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
Brian's mother: The who?
The Crowd: The Messiah!
Brian's mother: There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!
Matthias: Crucifixion's a doddle.
Centurion: Don't keep saying that.

[adrenaline]

"Here it it!He it isn't" Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

"Don't touch that squirells nuts!" Willy Wonka

"Thats just weird!" Willy Wonka

"It was a freak gasoline fight accident" Zoolander

"The Derrek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good" Zoolander

[The Professional]

Wedding Crashers:

Jeremy Klein: Lower-back tattoo? Might as well be a bullseye.

John Beckwith: I'm not asking you to marry me. I'm asking you *not* to marry *him*!

Chaz: Mom! Meat loaf! ****!

John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They're all very prim and proper.
Jeremy Klein: Yeah? Well, little miss prim and proper just eye-****ed the **** out of me.

Jeremy Klein: I'm going to go put ice on my balls and spit up blood.

Jeremy Klein: Oh, yeah, an older women made you feel her cans? Try getting jacked off at the dinner table in front of the whole family.

John Beckwith: You look beat. Soft mattress?
Jeremy Klein: Soft mattress? Maybe, or it could have been the midnight rape, or the nude gay art show. I had my sock, the one that I walked around in all day, played football, *sweated* in, stuffed in my mouth and duct taped in! I'm going to eat my breakfast over here. Don't talk to me

Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!
Jeremy Klein: Todd, the painting was a gift and I'm keeping it.

Jeremy Grey: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!

John Beckwith: I'm reading how-to-kill-myself books!

Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?

Mrs. Kroeger: I wish you'd shut up when you're talking to me!

Jeremy Grey: I got a stage-five clinger.

Gloria Cleary: Don't ever leave me... I'd find you!

Jeremy Grey: I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.

Jeremy Grey: You left me in the trenches... taking grenades!

Jeremy Grey: I don't give a baker's ****!

Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me!

Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a ****ing problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not as much as I do with your attire, or just your general point of view toward everybody here. But hey, lets go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

Jeremy Grey: [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes, I have no bodily fluids left.
Secretary Cleary: Todd, why don't you come play football?

Todd Cleary: Why? Would that make you love me!

Jeremy Grey: A friend in need is a pest.

Secretary Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.

Jeremy Grey: Have you ever shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the **** a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I look totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a ****ing human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John Beckwith: That's a little heavy.
Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, most dangerous game. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.

Todd Cleary: Let's play tummy sticks

[Bandicoot]

"Got an impression for ya. CAW CAW BANG F**K I'M DEAD!" - Top Dollar, 'The Crow'

"Chun, you're incredible."
"No! I am better than that" - Dialouge between Chun and Remo Williams, 'Remo: Unarmed and Dangerous'

"Is that all you got?" - Marv, 'Sin City'

"And like that, he's gone." Verbal Kint, 'The Usual Suspects'

"This, my friend, is a pint" Pippin, 'The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring'

[The Professional]

Garth Algar: Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.

Garth Algar: "Who's trying to kill you, Mr. Donut-head Man?" "I don't know, but he better not."

Wayne Campbell: Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
Arcade owner: What?
Wayne Campbell: Exactly.

[Garth fears throwing up if he talks to his dream girl]
Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.

Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say, it's OK, I don't mind. I don't mind. Well I mind! I mind big time? And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
Cassandra: Is that true?
Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.

Wayne Campbell: Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illonois, which is a suburb of Chicago - excellent. I've had plenty of joe-jobs, nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. OK, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is bogus and sad. However I do have a cable access show - and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do "Wayne's World" for a living. It might happen, tsia right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Wayne Campbell: I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes that every one liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.

Tiny: Wayne. How you doin'?
Wayne Campbell: Hey, Tiny, who's playing today?
Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the ****ty Beetles.
Wayne Campbell: ****ty Beetles? Are they any good?
Tiny: They suck.
Wayne Campbell: Then it's not just a clever name.

Garth Algar: Did you ever see that "Twilight Zone" where the guy signed a contract and they cut out his tongue and put it in a jar and it wouldn't die, it just grew and pulsated and gave birth to baby tongues? Pretty cool, huh?

Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
Stacy: Well, that doesn't mean we can't still go out, does it?
Wayne Campbell: Well, it does actually, that's what breaking up is.
Stacy: Well, don't you want to open your present?
Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head I'm going to be very upset
Stacy: Open it.
Wayne Campbell: What is it?
Stacy: It's a gun rack.
Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?
Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
Wayne Campbell: I lost you 2 months ago. We broke up. Are you mental? Get the net!

Alan: Do I frighten you?
Mrs. Vanderhoff: No.
Alan: Do you want me to?

Benjamin: Have you spoken to Wayne about the Vanderhoff spot?
Russel: Yes, briefly. He was not very receptive.
Benjamin: Oh really? Well I'll explain it to him that it's not a choice. It's in his contract
Russel: Oh. Well Wayne will understand that right away... NOT!
[Ben glares at Russ]
Russel: Excuse me!

Wayne Campbell: [after Ben orders Chinese food speaking Cantonese] This guy is good.
Benjamin: I picked up a little Cantonese while I was in the orient. You know you sound a lot like you're from Kowloon Bay as opposed to Hong Kong.
Cassandra: I waw born in Kowloon Bay.
Benjamin: There you have it!
Wayne Campbell: This guy is really good.

Benjamin: Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a Pizza Hut box] Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.
Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way but basically it's the nature of the beast.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one but for me the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth you know what I'm talking about right?
Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.
Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore it's giving me a headache.
Garth Algar: Here take two of these!
[Dumps two asprin into Wayne's hand]
Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.
Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.
Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes and it's the choice of a new generation.

Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.
Pete: Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.

Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick Sargeant. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.

[Admiring a guitar in a music store]
Wayne Campbell: It will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.

Garth Algar: Ribbed for her pleasure. Ewww.

Garth Algar: Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this.

Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year, It turned out I was just really bored.

Mikita's Manager, Glen: [to the camera] I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion it's called murder.

Garth Algar: That is a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym-class.

[Talking about Claudia Schiffer]
Wayne Campbell: She's a babe.
Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious.
Wayne Campbell: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.

Benjamin: First let me get this out of the way; I'm a big fan.
Garth Algar: You are?
Benjamin: The way I see it; your show is capable of so much more.
Garth Algar: Well, we'll try harder, OK? Just give us a second chance. Just don't go and cancel us without giving us a second chance.

[Instead of saying "Excuse me, I beg your pardon?"]
Wayne Campbell: Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?

Benjamin: Do you have a lawyer?
Wayne Campbell: Yes. Ahm, no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
Garth Algar: That's right. I walked right to that office - that's what I did - and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for YOU or for anybody.".

Terry: Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you man.
Wayne Campbell: Yea, and I love you too, Terry.
Terry: No no no, I mean it man. I LOVE you.
Wayne Campbell: No, I-I mean it. I love you.
Terry: No you don't, man. I love you.
Wayne Campbell: [being hugged by Terry] Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.
Terry: I love you, man.
Garth Algar: Thank you.

Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.
Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...

[Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky]
Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?
Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.
Garth Algar: She's a babe.
Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin she would be called "babia majora".
Garth Algar: If she were a president she would be Baberaham Lincoln.
[a brief pause]
Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?
Wayne Campbell: [cracks up laughing] No... No.
Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.

Mikita's Manager, Glen: Anything wrong, Davy?
Davy: Yeah, I got paid today.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know what that's like.
Davy: No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know how that feels.
Davy: Know what I'd like to do?
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.
Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.
Mikita's Manager, Glen: Well, the world's a twisted place.

Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.
Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp.
Garth Algar: Well, you know what? you can take a metal pole and...
[a passing jet liner mutes out most of what he says]
Garth Algar: ...and you can break it off so that only a doctor can remove it!

Mikita's Manager, Glen: Did you know that if you kill a man in the dead of winter you can see steam rising out of him? The Indians though it was your soul escaping.

[after Wayne opens a door and shows a bunch of spies]
Garth Algar: What was that all about?
Wayne Campbell: Nothing. I just always wanted to open a door on spies in training.

Garth Algar: OK... First I'll access the secret military spy satelite that is in geosynchronous orbit over the midwest. Then I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then I'll reposition the transmission dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal back into the aerosphere up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137 and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.

[Wayne Campbell is stopped by a traffic cop]
Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer, is there a problem?
T-1000: Have you seen this boy?

Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...
Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French, it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white champagne, even though by definition they're not.
Wayne Campbell: Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.

Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: [to Alice Cooper] We're not worthy. We're not worthy.

Wayne Campbell: I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...

[after seeing Cassandra for the first time]
Wayne Campbell: