Life, Universe and everything

[fearless]

ok, i am a 14 year old girl, i love books, music, sports basically everything u do with ur body. I am big into exercising. Well i know this is not instering and i would be a stupid one if that is what i wrote about. Actually the reason why i am writing is because a few friends said i should. Im a cutter, have been abused and am the person who trys to manetain the perfect image. I really dont enjoy writing for a audance but i think this might be the only way i can live with out exploding .

I cant stand my mom every since she found out i was a cutter things have sucked. At first she was like u need therpy u sick freek now she does not care. It seems like no one cares. to make things worse i hate my dad, i never use to say thatbut i finally relized i do. I despise him, just the horriable memories i have send me through a hate prosses. I gtg parents yelling

[fearless]

ok a little more i am dealing with, my bestfriends is bulimic, i am totally agaist it be i really dont know how to help her. I get worried alot be i try to aviod the questions like r u going to puke or did u, even though i ask all the time. But the great thing is we have this sisterly trust thing going on and i love her with all my heart. But just a few days ago i found out she tryed to cutt herself. at first i did not know what to feel, i wanted to cry, but i could not, i wanted to cutt but i promised her i would not (not like that has worked before but i still did not do it) and then i came to the conclusion that she had just stabed a knife into me. I was really really mad, not so much at her becuase that was a totally different emountion but toward myself. I hate myself and wish i never told her about me. I really do but sometimes its eayser to have someone u can trust that knows every little thing about u. Ur bad habbits ur good one, ur dreams and ur fears. I am really supprised i have let her in since my past with people. I never let anyone in becuase i would say my dad. I dont know
anyway lately i have been like wanting to die, not like i feel like **** play die but i have really really wanted to just die. My best firend has just cutt herself because of me, my family is horriable but i know they try, and i cant seem to find myself. Its almost like i have no idea who i am or who i am spose to be.

[fearless]

question keep running throught my head, IT seems now i feel nothing, its like i almost nothing can hurt m. I guess thats why i cutt i feel alive, i actually feel emoutions weather its sad, pain physically, or even the feeling of being free. Im sure that makes no since. Anyway today i really really wanted to cutt today and i almost did, actually i really dont know what i didnt. I cutt the other day thought and i really really want that moment back. Its like i cant handle all the guilt i feel over my friend and every last pain i have caused her. I love her so much i really do, its like with out her i would have killed myself becuase it seems like live is so painfull alone. But i wish somtimes i did not have her because i am holding her down, i feel like a weight always tugging on her and becuase of me she can be her. I just want it so so so so bad. I am like addictited, i hate having to relay on anything to get me throught me day.
Also i was reading this book and a quote caught my attention it said" People dont die from suicide: they die from sadness" I believe this to be true, it like everytime i cutt i feel happy but then i return to being sad. I think the quote is true.

[fearless]

I think people do die from sadness and by cutting i think i am slowly killing my self. But also by cutting i feel its like my profe i am alive. I am very interested to see who is reading this so can u like send me a private message about what u think.

[fearless]

ok one word for today..... stressfull
i think i am going to pop i need to like deal and i cant!

[fearless]

I wrote a poem

Self destruction

I got everyone fooled
Look here
Ur blind
Or r u pretending

I am a never was
A never will be
A no good nothing
A trouble

U don’t love me
You will never love me
U can’t see me
I’m invisible

U can’t hear me
U can’t feel me
But u take away me life
U take away my feeling

I can’t taste
I can’t feel
I am dark
I am lonely

I am the one
The bad influence
But I can’t share my feeling
Cause I’m “cold”

So I resort to me savior
But its only a object
And it’s only a color
It’s only my life

The sight of red
The reason I live
My proof I’m alive
The proof its not suicide

[fearless]

my bestfriend is like having breakdowns. Im like afaird that she is like wanting to cutt more or puke. she is really scaring me, i love her to death and she semm to not even notcie that she has one person here for. I want her to be ok, i love her. She is my reason for living and when she is sad or wanting to die it makes me feel helpless. I try to talk but i dont get the responce i wish for. her being upset makes me want to make everything better and i cant.
Last night i was really really sad, i did not cutt but i ate and ate. i have no idea why, and i ate the food that makes me like sick. I liek wanted to puke, which is weird cause that is what my bestfriend does. i even tryed puking i stuck my finger so far down my mouth that my face turned red and it hurt. I did not puke nothing came up even thought i ate like a elephant. Omg i want to tell her but i cant add to the pressure on her life.

[fearless]

i think sometimes that my bestfriend and i are like the same people with different problems. we r so different but we are so the same. I have been feeling alone like im in a deep dark coner and cant get out. Well the other night my bestfriend and i were talking about her family and how they seem like they dont care about her. I really hate this because i dont know what to think, i mean im sure they love her but i wanted to scream because i know what its like for u parents not to care. she reminds me of my dad, i never see him and when i do its like he only preteds to care. I tryed to tell her just try not to change them becuase if thats the people they r u cant change it, and that is that. I dont know what she thought about that. But we also started talking about how i care about her and she has one person in here for her... and that is me. She believed that which i am happy becuase it true. But then she asked if i thought she cared and i said yes but no enough. We l8er then got in to a conversatation about cutting. I never really knew how much i effected her and hurt her. She said these exact words "I hate to see ur cutd it hurts so bad to know that i cant stop u..... it like kills me to see u with cuts on u.... i sort of blam myself and its hard to look at ur cuts so most of the time i dont bcua i feel as though i might just like cry bcux the person i love the most is hurting herself 2 feel better and there is nothing i can do about it and i really really really wish that u would try to stop thats why i loved it when u didnt cut 4 that week or whatever." Omg i feel like poooo i cant belive i have put her through this pain. So probably what i felt when she cutt once is probably what she feels when she finds out when i cutt. I cant believe me, im hurting the only person i have.... so now staring last sunday i am going to TRY to stop cutting. Not for myself but for my friend. I guess i am off to a good start because i have not done anything since sunday at least and i am somewhat happy.

[fearless]

i was talking to my scince teacher today, we were debating ike usual but he said something that made me think. He said "do whats right even if it means hurting u." We dont talk about cutting or anything becuase no one knows about that but a few people but i am trying to stop cutting i know its right but it like hurts me that i cant. Its almost like my support has been taken away. I dont know if i can do this. IT is really really hard. And i am not the one to complain about how hard something is but i dont know if i can do this. But its almost amazing the last time i cut was last friday. its a long time for me. I am only doing this for my best friend. But i feel like i am going to have a break down soon, like really soon. I feel everything building up in me and i am about to pop. Im not the person i want or like to be. I cant deal and i cant cut. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh

[fearless]

ok well i have been ok, i have not cutt in a week and 2 days. Its been really really hard but my bestfriend is worth it. I just found out that she might need surgey, now i am like ahhhhh i dont want her hurt and i am like scared .

[fearless]

whats there to say besides the fact i want to blow out my candle!

[fearless]

ok i did not blow out my candle. Which is good because i have been wanting to. But i did give in i scrached last thursady 1 day before it would be 2 weeks that i have not done it or cut. It was not deep at all but i wish it was. I Cant take it my parents and ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh i cant even explain it. My mom left again, my dad is not around and my step might be mixed up in a nother girl, booz or drugs. I have no idea what just happened. So i gave in, i am weak, and a loser. Once again i am sure i have killed my bestfriend and slowly myself. Sometime i just want to drag the sissors across my wrist and just bleed to death. But i cant i live for my sister and bestfriend. Not my parents. They dont care

I like dont get it, parents and other people think i am a great person, almost perfect. I cant maintain this image. I cant pop but i am close!

[fearless]

ok well something is going on wiht my best friend and i so know there is something. But she is not telling me anything. GRRRRRR i dont know what to say. Her being in a bad mood makes me sad. Well actually i am not in the best mood eather but hey it will all be ok.

[fearless]

my best friend wants to puke. Lately i have not been telling her what has been going on even though she know i cutt last week. I am like really wanting to make everything better, its all wrong i cant do everything. Its like i cant controll my friend, my mom blamed me for what issues she is having with my step and school is like ahhhh. I want te only person that means something to be better. I CANT HELP HER!!!! I cant fix her family i cant fix her F***ed up brother who is a AHOle and cant fix her issues.
But off topic but not really last week we were talking and where we live there is crosses like what jeasus was on. Anyway everwhere i have gone i see them and i told her when i find out why they are everywhere i can DIE. She was like yea ok well hopefully not anytime soon. WEll i asked my teacher and then reasearched it and i found the reason. It is becuase some rich guy wanted to spread the thought of religion and peace so her put the up all over the contry........ I guess i can die now.
I have been thinking about it and i am sucidal...... i have tought about it alot and what i want to do and if i should write a letter but idont have the guts. But at the same time i am afaird because if i do write a letter i might actually go throught with it. But once again i said i dont have the Guts. But thats also what i said about cutting>>>>>>> i dont have the GUTS!!!

[fearless]

i cut/ scrached my wrist last wendsay becuase of a huge fight my mom and i got into. She destoryed one of the most important things to me, excused me of sneaking out of the house and stoll my sissiors. It pissed me off so bad that i almost freeked on her. She wants to send me to therpy to fix me, i could not believe it, she is tired of being a mother and is always leaving the house, i just could not take it. I wish i would have cutt deaper though becuase if i am going to hid something why not make it worth it.

Also i like freeked today and went to my secreat place, i guess the place i go when i am seariously pissed but i ran into 2 of my friends. and my hand was bleeding and my Bestfriend noticed (of corse) any it sucked and she knows about the wrist. But today after all this crap i am happy, i actually feel like foronce i dont want to die, and i think it is all because of a point less phone conversation my bestfriend and i had. I dont know i like this feeling. But i am wondering how long will it last.

[fearless]

when my mom stole my sissors what i wanted to say to her is "mom what r u worried i might cutt, r u worried i might die, well guess what mom i am already dead, u killed me." i wanted to say it but i couldnt. sometimes i feel that is the true but this weekend i did not even think about cutting. iwent away with my bestfriend and i had a great time. But once again i got home back to normal. And so did she, and it stared off with her ahole brother ready to beat the S*it out of her. I cant stand it i have no idea what happens between them and if i was anything like my dad and i want him to die. I cant stand soemone hurting her. I hate it, i want him to just disapear if he is hurting her.

[fearless]

omg i am going to go crazy, im like fine, not cutting, just sick thats about it. But my bestfriend is driving me insane. Like not she is bugging me but she is like all sad and depressed and not talking to me. I am like WTF i have no idea what is up with her, she has been upset before but never like this. I want her to tell me what is going on, i can only handle other peoples problems if they tell me what the hell is up. I dont think she relizes how much she impacts me, i am going to have a fricken break down again and want to start cutting.
I think the main reasons why i cut is being out of controll, to feel and parents issues or past parent issues.
AHHHHHHHHH i have not cutt since last friday and do not plan on doing it, but it she does not tell me what the hell is up with her i am going to like fricken go crazY!!

[fearless]

ok well i was gone this weekend, seeing my jackA dad. GRRRRRRRRRRR i cant stand him. I was in the hotail and all of a sun out of no where he started shacking me like he use to before he freeked. I guess he missed what it felt like. I was weird it was like he was going to fricken rap me or something, he didnt but i was like F***. I have not told my bestfriend and i do not plan on anytime soon. Last weekend he dad went from what i have heard insane. He like freeked on her brother pushed her mom and she was afaird he was going to get her. Omg i cant stand it, people like that. THEY SHOULD JUST ALL ROT IN HELL. Here is a shout out to all of u lowlife scub bad as*Ho*e*. U should go FU**I** die. ROT IN HELL AS*H*L* . It kill me for her to be afaird for her to feel last weekend what i have felt. she does not need it she does not need the fear.

[fearless]

oh my fricken god, i cant win here. My mom is insane, we got in a huge fight today about something stupid about school that she knows nothing about and i am ready to kill her. AHHHHHH. So i went and sat in my shower and listioned to one of my favorite bands and of corse when i am actually chilling out, and thinking i might get through the night with out cutting (btw have not cutt in a week and 3 days) she comes in when i am in the shower screaming at me becasue of the fricken dishes. But the thing that pissed me off was my bestfriend called and she screamed at my sister to tell her i was busy after she draged my as* out of the fricken shower. I cant believe this i think she wants me to cutt. I am trying really really hard for my friend but it seems like no matter what i do i cant win. The thing that is weird for me is its the little things that piss me off so much, dishes, her mood, a fricken day and school, and other crap.

[fearless]

i keep thinking about my name on this website thing. FEARLESS. whenever i type to sign on to write on this post i always type FEAR and fearless pops up. I wish i had no fear but i think that is the best word to describe me, i am full of so much fricken fear its not even cool. I dont show it cause i dont need to be week. I guess thats why i didnt want to cutt for a while. The past few moths its like i have been wanting to cutt. I think today after the fight with my parents and after what happened with my bestfriend I DONT WANT TO CUTT. i mean i have this feeling like i need and i still want to but i know that is not what i really want. I WANT TO BE FEARLESS, I WANT TO BE STRONG. see when i die i want my bestfriend to be able to say i was a incredibly strong person and incredibly brave. I want her to be able to say unlike most people i was able to face my problems and my faults. And that i could and that i did. I want her to say that i beat them and tell people how i had the courage to do it. I want her to be able to tell people how i was fun and how i told people to enjoy life and work with what u have and do the best with it. I want her to tell how we had so many great times together and lastly i want her to tell that she taught me something i have never known , to love and finally what it feels like for someone to care for u.

i dont want to be controlled any more. I want to be brave, i need to be brave, i need to deal. I need to be fearless. I DONT WANT TO CUTT.

[fearless]

ok today i have been thinking about the frase

THE ONLY THING LEFT TO FEAR IS FEAR ITS SELF

[fearless]

i am foolish, stupid fricken idiot. Why the hell do i think i will be able not to cutt. God i am trying to keep myself together, but im falling apart.
Have u ever looked in the mirror and looked at urself and was like what the hell is looking back at me. WELL I HAVE. i am not the person i need to be i am not the person i want to be. Im weak, unworthy and a loser that cant do anything right. I cutt again, i gave in. i thought after what i felt last night i would never do it. I DONT WANT TO!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!
i need to be shot, killed , diseapear or something. I need to be put out of peoples lifes. I am a waist that no one should care about. Like people have told me I am a Piece if S*** slut and oh yea my favorite because of u i cant do this. WELL U KNOW WHAT I HOPE I DIE!!!!! U KNOW WHY SO I CAN STOP F***ING ruining ur perfect life. F*** I CANT DEAL!
SOME ONE PLEASE KILL ME BEFORE I DO!

[fearless]

omg i cant deal this is a horriable night, my bestfriend and i are talking about what happened with her and her dad. this is what she said

her: i dont think he even cares
her: and his sorry is bull
me: yea i know what u mean
me: its like sickning
her: and after it he said "im gonna go by a book on angry management on ebay and give it to ur mom"
me: uhhhhh why
her: bcuz he didnt care
her: hes like oh well they will get over it
me: well will u
her: i will move on but i wont 4get it
me: thne i think u should have told him that
me: maybe u should tell him what u feel
me: maybe u should tell him what it was liek
her: he doesnt care
me: well make him
her: ok i will never 4get how afraid i was to stand up to him and yell in his face and think im gonna get hit but i think he has forgoten or never noticed the fear in my eyes or the tear coming down my cheak i dont think he will even remember that night
me: ok can we please stop im really srry
me: i cant talk about this
her: sure
her: sorry
me: brb
her: im really sorry

i freeked in my bathroom, i freeked really bad.

[fearless]

see i like her telling me but after this weekend its a little to close to home right now for me to handle. I want to help her but i cant right now, i cant deal with the pain she will and is going through and i cant deal with my dad.

[fearless]

my bestfriend is having a really good day, and me i have had a really good day until i got home! of corse i want to cutt again. but i guess tonight i am going to try to deal without telling her. I dont want to ruin her mood, i dont want me to bringher down, i want her to be happy. I just got to deal with my fricken parents.

[fearless]

lets see school is over.
i dont know how summer is going to be, im not looking forward to it becuase i go away the whole summer to live somewhere else and dont see my bestfriend. im going to miss her so much.
Oh and it also turns out that we have alot of the same thoughts, my friend thought about killing herself the other day, well actually a few weeks ago, i was just thinking about it today and decided to write it. She wanted to really bad which is weird cause that is about the same time where i was just ready to bleed to death or die because of a overdose on pills. anyway im scared but its like i am use to it. I dont know

[fearless]

ok there is this girl, i have not talked about her at all. We are in different grades, shes a year younger than me. Anyway because of sports and school activates we have had a chance to talk on many ocaisions. Anyway in the beggining of the year i thought she was doing drugs, which she said she wasnt but i still believe different. Anyway i think she is off of drugs and on to cutting. Being a cutter urself u get to be very aware of every little single scrach. Not with only urself but with other people and from the looks of things she is one. Now when i thought she was doing drugs i confronted her becuase i have never done any type of drug before, but cutting i cant talk to her about cause i have done it and i dont want her to find out. Anyway this is a poem i wrote about this particular girl. Please tell me what u think of this poem or if it sucks!

WHY?

I see the cuts on your wrist,
images buried into my mind.
You pull me closer to the memories that I have so desperately tried to hide.
I pull back and look deep into your stone cold eyes.
Does she think I wouldn’t notice?
Does she think I wouldn’t care?
As she tries to hug me close,
I feel the black and white wristband that I know will always be there
I guess The cuts are just to deep and cant be hidden within
A single tear flows down my cheek.
I wonder why she’s doing this again.
She told me she has stopped and it hurts.
It hurts that she lied.
It hurts that she doesn’t understand,
that I to has had this deep secret hidden inside
What if she gets addicted like I did?
What if one day she bleeds to death?
I turn around and run into the darkness.
I’m sorry my stranger,
I’m sorry my friend,
I’m sorry I’m not the best.
But please please don’t give in to the dark pain like I
please just tell me one thing
why cut yourself when it can lead to the end?

[fearless]

i let my best friend read this poem, she really did not tell me what she thought of it besides the last line got to her because that thought has gone through her head. She then got upset because we started talking about cuts. I asked her a question about what do u consider a cut and she got upset. L8er she told me it was not what we were talking about but she did not know how to answer or something like that. Its upsetting my bestfriend i learned does not like talking about cutting, i mean its understandable buts its not like thats is all we talk about. I mean we r losers and try on clothes in the store togehter and dress up manicans in idiot outfits and play tricks on our friends. but now i know what not to talk about with her, now i know not to talk about cutting.

Also the poem started out actually as a poem to my bestfriend about puking. She has not puked in a long time like over 2 months. Im so proud of her, she told me she does not want to do that anymore she does not want to puke, god she is such a strong person, im glad she is my bestfriend she is my hero, my reason.

[fearless]

i went to the doctors today for my algerices, god i get like sick from everything. It is a pain in the ass, anyway while i was there he asked me about my arm "what happened to ur arm." i didnt know what tell him so i just said a sport acident. Anyway the last 3 days have been really tough. First i had a dream at my bestfriends house about my dad and was scared out of my mind. Memories like come back to scare me and i looked week and scared sh*tless infront of my bestfriend. Grrr and then i saw the girl in the poem at the pool. Like usual she was wearing the black and white wristband. Then of corse the usual getting yelled at cause i am a ahole kid who appercaites nothing. And to make everything better i am leaving sunday and am not going to be back or see my friends more importantly my bestfriend till july. UGGG i am overwhelmed. I want to cut, and i keep thinking about it. The last time i cutt was the 7th so i guess im doing ok. I dont know i mean last night for the first time i told my friend i wanted to do it, i guess i am on a good road to stopping. My friend is so supportive, i just dont know what the hell is wrong with me.

[fearless]

Also with summer brings time. Time to think, time to eat and time to not eat. I have to much time to think, i think about how i am going to miss my bestfriend, how i want to cutt, and how i shouldnt cut. I have stopped eating again, well not all the way, i eat dinner. But its not like anyone will notice since i wount be around my bestfrined. Last year when i stoped was because of family issues, this time its like i am to depressed and i am not hungery. ahhh i am a mess

[fearless]

well my bestfriends mom does not want use to have any communication what so ever. she thinks she is obessessed with me and i am a bad infulence ever thought she knows nothing about me only what she see'. my friend is really worked up about this. It pissesme of but i really dont want her to know that i am like great another person hates me. So i wrote a poem for her about what she might be feeling. Here it is.tell me what u think.

Mom for some reason you just don’t understand
What I have wanted was just a friend
All I ever wanted was a place of me own,
Someone to hold me when no one else cared,
And someone to tell me they would just be there.
Mom you don’t get it,
You think you’re so great,
Well guess what mom, I hate this f*cking place
You treat me like a child
So immature
You think I don’t see, but moms are you so sure
If I'm wrong then so be it,
but I don't need to be 'saved',
I'll gladly remain on
the road that I pave
If you want to, ignore me
if you want to, then shout
I've heard it before,
so I just block you out
“Close-Minded” and “stubborn”,
”Hateful” and “mean”,
I don't really listen
To misinformed dreams
You know what mom screw you
I have those who love me,
Who will always be there,
Ones who wont change me,
The ones that do care.
Don’t try to change it
Cause you will never succeed
Mom don’t do it cause your slowly killing me
You're so confusing, so…fake
Mom I figured it out you are the one who taught me how to hate
But mom I will never give in
You slimy, nasty *****ng b*tch I will fight you till the very end.

[fearless]

i guess i made it through the night, father say tomorrow, o joy. i hate these stupid holidays. I mean i guess it would mean something if u could actually celerbrate it with ur father but see if i did it wouldnt matter cause my dad doesnt care. See i dont get parents, its like they tell u one thing so u do it but then they somehow find a way not to be happy. I get it all the time, they tell me they want something example for me to put my hair down, i do it and now they say i am hiding i need it up to show my face. What the hell am i hiding under my hair, what do they think i cut my fricken face. God it just gets me. see with my dad what hurts it not really that he hit me or that he has grabed me or the fact that i feel like i have sometimes been sexualy harested ( dont get me wrong that hurts alot) but the fact that he ingores me, he doesnt care. I mine as well disapear cause to him i am nothing, just a nother check to pay, just a nother strain on his life and just one more person in the crowd. Im suffering through the night again, thinking about cutting and knowing i cant do it cuz of a promise to myself and for my friend. But i wont forget u dad, i wont forget her, and i wont forget ur fist.

[fearless]

ok well just got back from a mimi vication, lonely, thought about killing myself and actually laughed, oh and no best friend there to support me. this week i have been doing alot of thinking about how my best friend is always there for me and cares for me but it feels like i am never in anyway there to support her. I think i need a postive change with me. Dont be sad, dont let urself be sad, dont become depressed, and if u r dont tell her. I need to be there for her, i need to feel like i am giving and not just talking.

Oh yea also the other day she said something along the lines about how it feels like i dont care, this only proving the above. that hurt, this is the second time i have ever really been hurt by her, and the other when she tryed to cutt. Also her mom hates me for all get out. Around my best friend and her family i am happy, smilying and for the most part postive, actually i am that type of person anrond everyone, my bestfriend says i put a fake smile on my face everyday, and its true. But she thinks i am the cause of why she is not happy around her family, but did her mom every come across the fact it might be her drinking, her dad and brother fighting or her trying to aviod getting her butt kicked. NO . Im really trying to be postive but how can i be when my bestfriend thinks i dont care, her mom hates me, i leaving my home for the summer and i am trying to stop cutting for my bestfriend.

Ok cutting update, i have not done it since i think the 7th, so this tuesday 3 weeks with out doing it. Its all for my bestfrined. I think i owe her for every time she has seen my cry, every time i have talked to her at 2 in the morning and everything she has hald my hand when i needed it. I am stopping, and i am almost 3 weeks into it.

[fearless]

im here, i hate it,
the first thing that happened was i saw him and of corse her, his slut twice my age gf. i was talking to my friends last night when he hit me on the back. I was not hard but it was still a hit. And it front of his gf too. What sicko. I miss my bestfriend, i want to be with her. I am lonely and i need something to help me. I have no been eating and am really wanting to cutt. Today is 3 weeks for me but i think i am ready to blow it. I hate this. I wonder is scraching counts as cutting.

My friend last night also almost got hurt by her brother. She is scared maybe as much as i am. I cat help her cause i wount see her for a nother month. SHe also told someone about her brother not meaning to. She os upset i can tell. Gtg dad is coming

[fearless]

i hate having to fear something or i guess more importantly someone. I have told myself over and over not to let him see u weak not to let him see u cry. I have told my friend that as well consirning her brother. But its hard not being weak, but hey so far the only time i have been truely weak was when no one was looking. I mean i am weak but i hide it, its the feeling that hides in the pit of my stomach and then come out at night or when i am alone. Yesterday i cryed, well not really. 2 tears came down my face infront of my bestfriend, ofcorse i hid my face but i know she knew. when the tears fell u could hear them hit my jeans. They were so loud, to me anyway. i htink what i need is just to cry, cry to myself, so one can see or hear me but i need it. I need to let everything go, just gone and maybe i can be there for her how she needs it. But then again she has never needed me, not like i have needed her. MAybe its just be but i feel like i always take without giving. OMG gtg my dad.

[fearless]

as far as i know m bestfriend is happy, and i am happy for her. But she has forgotten about me, i can feel it, just like i never existed. she is hanging out with people, im happy about that and its not like i want her to sit around and mope but i fell bad, forgeten, alone. I should just stop caring cause that way i wont be able to feel. I was going to cutt and i am planing on it, i just dont know why i am not. Please someone i need someone to tell me why i shouldnt cuz i dont want my bestfriend involvd in this one. cuz its cuz i want her.

[fearless]

ok i did not cut, today is one month for me. I did not tell my friend but i want her to be proud.

[fearless]

i have not updated in a while, wow, this thing use to be what i thought about. Well i have no cutt, last night i had the sissiors on my wrist, i know i was not going too cutt but i miss the feel. I dont want to cutt and i dont plan on doing it. I have been having a rough time here and miss my friends and some of my family, stuff has been happening here with him. I dont see why people hurt people to get thrill out of it. It makes no sence. I called my bestfriend around 2 this morning, she did not pick up. I am just sad and want to be home. because i am sad i have not been eating much, im not like dieting or anything, i just cant eat and when i do i feel like i am going to barf. But it will all be ok, i will be with my friend soon, in the mean time i will hide myself behind a book,or just tan but then again scares show up that way so maybe not.

[fearless]

im ok today i guess, just weird. not caring. i really dont want to cutt, but last night i did. HIm and i got into a fight and i ended up with a hurt sholder.

[fearless]

its been 1 month and 3 weeks since i last cut. I think that is great but i of corse like usual messesd up. Again with my bestfriend, i was sick one day and was really mad because of my dad, and i ran into my grandmas bathroom to find a pair of sissiors. I could not find any and so i puked. Not really alot but then after that i puked again not because i forced it but because i was sick. Omg i have offically F*Ck*d up everything. My bestfriend does not hate me but i remember when she cut i was really really upset. Now i have done the same to her.

[fearless]

ok its like i am happy and then sad. God i dont know whats wrong with me. Althought i have alot of friends ro the ones that pretend to be ur friends and one close friend, it seems like i am a total loser. Like i have no one and am so alone, its like sometimes i dont know what to do to just be accepted, and others its like everyone loves me. In my year book one of my friends wrote " it was a great year with u, u r the girl everyone wants to be, expeally me." so stuff like that makes me feel like i am not alone. But then other times i feel like an outsider, with no one. DOes anyone ever feel like that? or is it just me ?

[fearless]

im not cutting!!
Im actually ok for the most part. But my bestfriend, i dont know whats wrong. I just got home. Everything is basically the same, mom bitching, people to hang out with and back to my normal so called life. I cant even begin to figure out what is going on with my bestfriend, i know there is and its not like she is dening it, i cant do anything for her, we spent alot of time together, just not talking that much but she hugging. She is so just insecure, so afaird and so not herself. School is starting soon, i just dont care but she is afaird. Its almost like she is lost, i cant do anything eather cuz im only a friend. God im lost, really can someone please help me with my friend.

[fearless]

If i told u i hated some1 but didn't tell u who would u take me serious? If i told u i hated myself but didnt tell u why would u believe me? What if i said i hated that some1 and meant myself and u didnt take me serious would you feel bad cuz i was the some1 i was talking about. ~Just Think About It~

If i acted all happy at skool would u ever consider that i really wasn't happy, i just put on a smile so that u would think i was and i was really just telling u lies and giving u the worlds best fake smile just so that u didn't have to know the truth.

If only u knew the truth. The real side of me, the one nobody knows. Would you still care about me and call me your friend? Or would you desert me and leave me in the dark where I would be swallowed by the secrets? Would it be different if you had known all along? Do you think you would look at me different if u knew? Cuz I think that u just might, if only u knew the side of me nobody knows.

Do you know how it feels to be jaded, broken down and exhausted?
Like there is nothing else u can do so u just give up and give in? When the dark turns to sunlight for another day but your still in a mind battle with yourself and just cant win? The truth is hidden behind the dark beautiful eye but the secret will never be revealed.

THis is something my bestfriend wrote!!!!!

[fearless]

i am always be acused of cutting... always by my mom. Who does she think she is, doing that why would that help me if she is always saying i am doing it. What kind of support is that, u acuse ur kid tell them that myself as the parents can take u to a doctor and strip u to see if u have any cuts and then acts like the whole world is perfect. GOD DAMN it drives me crazy!!!! Im trying to be good im trying to break bad habits and today it has been 2 months and 2 weeks for me since i last did it but god her as* is sure as hell pushing it. God damn lady back off let me be and then maybe i can get better, not from her but by myself. That is all it ever is is me by myself, nvm i give a hell of alot of credict to my bestfriend, she is the only one that has been there for me , not my mom!!!
God want to and right now i dont give a F*ck about anything, in the back of my mind i have my bestfriend but im not with her right now, but god damn if my mom or stepdad say one more thing to me im offically going over the edge and hopefully i wont come back!!!

[fearless]

ok my bestfriend is having problems she wants to puke, she does not care what will happen that she will be giving up so much, she is like me a basically thinking F*ck it. What the hell can u do. God only if she knew how proud i was of her, only is she knew that the reason sometimes i can be so strong is because of her. Her not puking gives me a reason not to cut. She cant blow this, she is doing so well, she is better than that. Why would she want to puke up her problems, its like sticking ur fingers down ur troat, puking up ur problems, and then flushing them down and watching them rinse away. I tryed to puke i know what it is like, i just cant get that feeling not from puking. She makes me so proud, she does not think it but she is so stong, i know it is hard to feel when u believe it but she really has something about her that is strength.
Maybe that is why she never shows emoutions, she is overly strong, she needs to break down let someone in. Its not a crime, it not a crime to cry or puke or be held. Its not but she needs to relize that she wont be able to keep this up. The whole big bad person. God i am so proud of her and i pry to god that tonight she does not make a mistake she will regreat!!!

[fearless]

I [B][U]HATE when people lie to me...... i take it as an insult. WHat do u think i am that big of a idiot that u can lie straight to my face. Lying means u think the person is stupid enough not figure out the truth! Grrr i have so many F*cking emoutions tonight i just need to get them out. I want to cut but talkin to my bestfriend and trying to help her is making me feel a little less like cutting but i am ready to go threw with it, give up everything i have worked for and start it again, at this point the only thing that is holding me back is disspoint from my bestfriend and her being Sad!

[fearless]

i hung out with my bestfriend like usual..... i was like weird cuz i didnt sleep like at all. I stayed up while she fell alseep. I though and though and looked up at nothing. While i was looking up i was thinking about her brother, he is such an ass. I dont see why he does anything to her, god he is so mean to her, he like fricken screams at her for nothing, always calling her *** or a ***. Man it pisses me off. I watch him call her names and i dont do anything, he reminds me of my dad. Allways trying to make u feel down. WHat the hell, like life is not hard enough on someone u have to make it a little bit harder and make someone feel sad, or maybe for ur own amusement. HE needs a life beside tourching his sister. SHe tryed to tell her mom the other day, i have been telling her is she wants it to end then she needs to tell someone beside me. SHe does not want me to tell anyone, but anyway she tryed to tell her mom that he fricken hurts her and she was like yea u start it. Oh my jesus god..... what the hell is wrong with her, does she not notice it, she reminds me of my own family. Thinking that everything si ok as long as u dont pay attention to it.

I wonder how many people think that..... If they dont pay attention to something then it will all just go away!

[fearless]

OMG if it is not one thing with my family it is the other!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant take it, there is no point if all i am every going to do is get yelled at. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT! SO i poped!!!!!!!!!! i screamed like screamed "SHUT UP" to them. I cant take being yelled at for the stupidest things, i just want to slit my wrist and it all be gone and over with. I DONT GIVE A F*CK anymore!

[fearless]

God i talk to my bestfriend and it seems like everything that is wrong goes away. A talked to her for a while last ngith on the phone, i wanted to cut really bad and the feeling went away while i talked to her but then it came back. i dont want to disspoint her so i went in to my kitchen and took a cupple of sleeping pills, i dont know if that is healthy but it knocked me out. And next thing i new morning!

[fearless]

ok i relized i really dont talk about guys, hmmm i guess i really dont care. I mean alot of my friends are guys i hang out with alot of different guys and i do date. Uhhh my last bf was a loser and no that is not the one who knows i cut. But anyway there is this one guy, he goes to a different school than me. I know he wants to date because he has told me, but of corse i shyed him off. I am planning on seeing him tomorrow, i like him alot... like really i want to date him to. My bestfriend knows it and i think she thinks i am afaird. ANd to tell the truth i really am, like he goes to a different school and i have always dated someone that is at my own school. And i can see him playing me eventhough he really is not the "player" type. He is a allaround nice guy and makes me laugh like all the time. I love people who can make me laugh or happy. But a cupple problems, his bestfriend and i are close friends and his bestfriend asked me out already and i said i dont need a bf i need a friend. And now here i am screwing around (well not really) with his bestfriend. Also i dont know if i want a bf, my bestfriend likes him but i just dont know. And oh yea...... the over protective parents! See my problems. MAybe i am just afaird to get close to someone, like close enough to hurt them or for them to hurt me. I dont want him to know anything about my life. I just want to have fun, screw around and not have to be stuck with one guy!

[fearless]

ok i am spose to see this guy today but i dont really want to be alone with him, so i invited a cupple of people, i guess my bestfriend is mad at me because she does not want to go so i told her not to. ANd then the conversatation exploded from there, now we are not really talkin, well we are but not like we would if we were not in a fight. We have never really been in a fight i mean a cupple of things but not really. Anyway today i see this guy, i actually cant wait to. God its kinda of funny. I hope everything goes great, omg i dont know what will happen. But i dont know if my bestfriend is coming or not she seems pissed!!!!

[fearless]

ok i saw him today, at first i thought he stood me up but he just ended up being late. I was pissed and he knew it to, but everything worked out ok. Nothing really exciting happened, i saw him we talk and i went home. we might see eachother this weekend but i dont know depinds what my plans are.

My mom had once again disapeared to god know where, she freaked and now she is gone. I have no idea why people do that or just leave, but my mom does, something bad happenes and she is gone, she walks out on her family. And this time i have no idea why she left!

[fearless]

something i just wrote........

Behind the smiles
Behind the books
There was on thing that no one saw
Hidden tears though out the day
As one by one
People flew away

She hide it well
So no one knew
As she gets on the bus
She acts thick and tough threw and threw

She gets home at night
After a long day of school
She lays in her bed tries not to cry
Thinking of attempting suicide

The next day she gets up
Same feeling as before
She puts on her clothes
And walks out the door

She meets the day once again
Wondering when this pain will ever end
At school she is quite and so reserved
No one knows what its like to be her

She suffers from a broken heart
As well as bruise and bumps
From someone so close
The person she trusted

She goes back to her house
A place she can not call home
She runs to her room
And cries all alone

The fighting, the drinking
She can’t take anymore
She just wants gone with all pain
So she takes out her knife and cuts into her vain
She bleeds and bleeds
All over the floor
Thinking of her hero
And thinking of more

Her final thoughts go threw her head
Until she is dead
No one will ever know what happened to this girl
Because it’s to late she’s gone, she flew away

[fearless]

i did it, i was not kidding, i gave in, just in a different way!

[fearless]

i want to kill myself!

[fearless]

attempt one failed, not because i got saved and sh*t but becuase of a sister and a friend. I still want to die but i really hurt my bestfriend. I feel like a piece of s*it cuz i wanted to die and because i feel like a piece of s*it i want to die.

[fearless]

well i forgot to say my bday passed, im 15 and have been for a while, i guess it was unoticed except by a few friends. Not really a big party just hanging out... not that bad..... also school started. It sucks HS man.. uhhh, well its ok! IM just afaird of losing my bestfriend.

[fearless]

i think my mom is sick.... like really sick...like could die sick!
uhh i really dont know what is going on, no one tells me. They treat me like i cant understand or i dont even know something is going on. She is getting surgey soon, and they r check if she has cancer..... no one will tell me! I am clueless.
At school, it is so cold in the building, i wear a sweatshirt all day or long sleaves, i have been thinking alot about cutting, i still have some on my hip and i think i might be going swimming this weekend. Also i stand in the lunch line or im in th lunch room. There is this girl i know... she is a cutter, i have never really talked to her before but isee the scars on her, they look so deep but yet she seems so happy, i kinda want to get to know her. But we r 2 totally different people i cant talk to her. I dont need to get close to anyone.

My bestfriend and i never see eachother, i guess that is what happens in HS. It seems like we are getting father away, i mean i know we are not but still, i guess it is a fear i have....... will lose people that matter!

[fearless]

everything is wrong, everything is goin wrong. My mom is dying, she left me.....she left again, so did my stepdad. They r all gone, im here to be the mommy and daddy for my younger sister, i cant handle it, im alone with her, im want to cut and i have already tryed to. i want to die again.

[fearless]

everything seems just, like i am watching my life go by... i want to cry so bad... really bad, but for some reason everything that is happening is not effecting me. like i am pissed about last night, i want my mom better but is all just happening in front of me. I have no control, im completly out of it, Its weird, i want to feel. I cut my wrist last night and then again this morning. It made me feel alive, just the sting feels good as the knife is going across my wrist. My mom wont eat, my stepdad is always angery, and my dad idonno to busy to notice anything is wrong.... for the last 15 years. Im not even wanting to die, i just dont know what to do, cutting makes me feel alive. I didnt tell her, she does not need to be upset, she knows but i didnt tell her. I guess she has a way or maybe i just give it away by rubbing my wrist. Its like really hot and all i wear is long sleeves, u think someone would notice but no... She its my chance to be stong for everyone, i need to be the adult. My mom is unstable along with my stepdad. My dad doesnt even live in the same state and i have my sisters who i need to take care of. God i feel like i need tocry or i am going to burst, its like the day goes by so fast, god im so wraped up in school that i have no idea. Im just confused, confused about everything, my family, my life, even about the relationship i have with my bestfriend! I just love to sleep because no one can get me in my dreams, unless someone wakes me up. I dont know what will happen, but for the mean time i am smilying, and when i am at home i iuse my knife and will just lay in bed.!!
but im so busy between all my actatives but when i am alone im depressed, no not really... im nothing!

[fearless]

its the weekend!!!
yea break from school! Parties this weekend and relaxing!!!
Happy labor day

[fearless]

its early here, i dont know what time but i think i need to go to school soon. I didnt really sleep and i haven really been sleeping. I mean i am overall ok right now besides i am stressed from school, and other crap but its ok. Im more worried than anything, my mom just got surgey, they wont tell me if she is ok or not. God they think i cant handle the truth. My bestfriend wanted to kill her self and somewhat attemted (cant help but thinking im a bad infulence) and because of that i cut. Man i am just tired and sick of it. but i told her it will all b ok, because i will make it ok. I am trying to b happy, and strong for her. She needs it right now and i need to be like that!

[fearless]

school this year is kinda a big joke for me. Last year i knew everyone and everyone knew me. This year i am basically a nobody, im mean im involved in school actatives ans stuff like that. Im not doing that well in school, actually to my parents standards nothing is every good enough. I dont have all A's im worried its kinda like my grades are alot to me. Its like there is no point, i mess up everything, well not A material! my mom is pissed but then again she has no room to talk because she is as educated as a dog! im really frustrated, sucidal thoughts have been coming in and out of myhead. Im being eaten aliveby them. I mean im not going to and i havent cut, i really want to but i dont want to mess more things up with my family. We might be moving and when i say we i mean my mom, youger siblings and me, no stepdad. My mom says he a fuc*ing ahole, w.e that mean! she acused her of cheating on her and then took of in her car! then to make things better my stepdad did to and draged me along with him so he could complain about every fricken thing in the world about her! What could i do, so i just agreed with him and sat in the car. I was wearing long sleaves to cover up my cuts, they are healing but they r still there. I think i am going to have a pretty bad scar! its ok.... cuz it will alway be. just not great. anyway so in the car i listioned and listioned well acturally tryed not to but i hate having to listion to the whole im leaving this family, ur mom is f**king nuts and crap like that. Then with my mom i get the same thing! uhh man im worn out!

[fearless]

its 9-11, i still cant get over what happened 4 years ago. It amazes me how people can just kill, its sad. I could emagin being someone who was killed, someone who had to wittness it or even family members that had and have to deal with what happened. If anyone who is reading this and that happened to a family member im truly srry and to deal with it u r amamzly strong.
Today i was looking at some poems written by people and this one caught my attention, this is what the girl wrote!!!Its a great poem and shows so much love for one man!

this is for my stepdad who just died over seas...a lot of people are going to see this, so criticism and comments are greatly appreciated!~


A newly wed couple, and he leaves for the war
He leaves children and parents and friends behind
His wife yearns for him inexorably
As her husband strives to serve all of mankind

One rainy evening brings a knock on the door
And the major walks in, fully dressed in his blues
He removes his hat and he bows his head
As he’s forced to share his heartrending news

The husband is no longer with us, his life fulfilled
The epitome of a hero’s honorable dream
His fellow soldiers came first, without a thought of himself
His wife’s heart is crying it’s perpetual scream

The family fights through the week, with consuming pain
As they prepare for the hero’s ceremony of rest
A guard stands by his casket, always at his side
While his wife tries to honor her husband’s final requests

Before the service, visitation precedes
While the two families join and mourn their loss
Everyone’s crying and hugging, except for me
I notice the guard that we’re sitting across

Protocol says that they stand straight and tall
And they do this with honor by the fallen one’s side
They pay a great tribute volunteering for this
It is a service for our hero, held with utmost pride

I sit in the corner, gazing at this man’s face
It seems from afar to be set gravely in stone
But upon closer look there’s a tear on his cheek
The thoughts in his head left for me to ponder alone

I haven’t cried until this very point
When I see a soldier is humble enough to shed tears
He has lost his brother, fellow soldier, and friend
And I realize that this man in not so austere

People seem to think that soldiers don’t weep
That they’re emotions are solid and they don’t have pain
It’s a disheartening thing to witness a soldier’s tears
Though it’s a thing where the reason is hard to explain

It’s the fact that they honor this fellow hero
And they mourn the loss of him as much as us all
Yet they still go back and continue on with their service
Knowing that any second they could be next to fall

But to them it’s an honor greater than any
They are proud to service our country each day
Freedom has a price, and they’re fully aware
That to keep it for us, they're the ones willing to pay

[fearless]

i know who ever reads this might find this a little wierd but i think its time to talk about it since i have never really mentioned it before.
Im Bi or at least im pretty sure. Im still really confused about the whole bi thing but now i am pretty sure i am. My bestfriend is too, and what do u know we are attracted to eachother. Im srry if that upsets u but deal with it! Its kinda a good feeling, i love my bestfriend so much and i loved her so much before i thought i was bi. O and btw u found out about her just last weekend, i mean i had a hunch but i didnt knwo for sure. Anyway man she is like the greatest thing in the world, but im confused, like i dont want to eat her out or anything but i have found myself wanting to be kissed and touched by her before and same for her. See the whole sex thing does not appeal to me but i cant stop thinking about it, about her about how she is bi!

[fearless]

i know who ever reads this might find this a little wierd but i think its time to talk about it since i have never really mentioned it before.
Im Bi or at least im pretty sure. Im still really confused about the whole bi thing but now i am pretty sure i am. My bestfriend is too, and what do u know we are attracted to eachother. Im srry if that upsets u but deal with it! Its kinda a good feeling, i love my bestfriend so much and i loved her so much before i thought i was bi. O and btw i found out about her just last weekend, i mean i had a hunch but i didnt know for sure. Anyway man she is like the greatest thing in the world, but im confused, like i dont want to eat her out or anything but i have found myself wanting to be kissed and touched by her before and same for her. See the whole sex thing does not appeal to me but i cant stop thinking about it, about her about how she is bi! Also i just kinda wish people did not lable people, because if it didnt matter to so many people i wouldnt have to keep this a secert!

[fearless]

ok my bestfriend is sucidal, she really want to kill her self, and its killing me!!!!
like i am trying to handle it the best i can without freaking on her but its hard, anything i say and do is wrong, i cant touch her lkeh ug her and she doesnt really want to talk to me. I know she is really depressed but i cant help thinking its because i told her i was Bi. I dont know why that would matter being as the fact she is to but still. It really getting me, i have not cut but its stressing me out. Im trying to be there, tring to make everything better for her and just trying to keep smilying, She seems like she is getting better but it still scares me alot. She started a blog, i dont know where it is but its not like it really matters cuz im not going to read it. Thats her space not mine, and whatever she thinks. I love her to death and i almost feel like she is becoming different, she even took off something i gave her which just about killed me!

[fearless]

I wrote this poem its about her and me!

Best friends become Strangers

We were so close, as close as could be
I loved you
You loved me
So many memories
So many tears
You were always the one to lesion
And the one to be there
It’s been 4 years now
Since we found each other
We’ve dealt with thing that affected none other
I told u secrets I was sure to take to the grave
And I’ve cried on the phone asking to be saved
I’ve hugged you when you needed it the most
And saved u from suicide, my utmost fear
Losing u was a thought that was just never there
But now it seems like the times have come and gone
What was once there is now none
No longer do we have the time for each other
To do wild and crazy things for one another
No more lunch time
Or even sleepovers
Just glances in the hall
And those few very short phone calls
I’m afraid it’s over
I say it cant possible be
Ones a treasure so close……….
Is now a stranger to me

[fearless]

I just made out with my bestfriend today,
omg i was so afaird, this is the first time i have ever kissed a girl but i was the best kiss i have ever had. We were in my room, on my bed, she knew i wanted it and we started talking about. I was freaking out, like i wanted to kiss her really bad but i didnt want to force anything. She told me to relax, i did, i just layed on her for like ever, she rubed me and then it just happened. we made out for like an hour, it was the best thing that has to have ever happened. Im like on this fricken high. i was on top of her, she was on me. my hand was up he shirt and we were alone for the most part. But my sister did try to come in my room, good thing i locked the door. I cant get it out of my mind, i have kissed people before but for some reason all i can think about it her and me. Omg lol im am the weirdest person in the world.... lol !!!!!!!!!!

[fearless]

omg the last 2 weeks have been great for me, i didnt think it would end, and it did.
im such a piece of ****, today my bestfriend and i were making out on my bed and she had her hand on my butt and i had my hand up her shirt. I asked her if she wanted me to stop or if i was making her unconfortable.... she said no. So i keep going, i unbuckeld her bra and well touched her boobs. I found out she didnt want it, im such a frichen idiot because that thing has happened to me before. I didnt want to be touched and i was. She didnt want to be touched and im grabing her boob. i messed it all up. I did somethign she did want, and i did. I made her unconfortable, and i feel like i ruined it all. She probably thinks im a big loser or regreat. Thats all i ever am to people... a regreat and then they leave.... just like my dad, my mom, my stepdad and all my dads girlfriends. My bestfriend might be added to this pile because i did something stupid!

[fearless]

Its all good with my bestfriend, we make out we talk we do whatever else may come in to mind. she had her hand down my pants and up my shirt, i think what happened was just something that scared her and now i think she is deffiently ready. I think we r hanging out tomorrow you never know what will happen!

[fearless]

I have not been eating lately, its because of an activity i do and such a hight demand to be skinny. Im getting a little better i mean im eating at least one meal a day now! M bestfriend made me promise her that. She has been having problems with her brother and i have been with my dad. It sucks. It makes me sad, i thought about cutting but i dont want i mean right now im like what is the point. I dont know when the last time i cryed was, but i feel a big break down coming, everything that has happened makes me sad. But then my Bestfriend just makes it all better!!!
We were making out today, she really suprised me, she wanted this time my hand up her shirt. It kinda freaked me out cuz i didnt want to do anything she didnt want!! But she did want it, which was great cuz i did too!!! God i love her so much!!

[fearless]

we were lying in my bed today.....
i took her shirt off and she took my shirt my. We were kissing and she was rubbing me all over! then she felt the cuts, the cuts on my sholider, i felt really bad and we really upset, i just about freaked and told her i needed it, i wanted it, i had to cut. I felt like i had just been shot in the heart. I dont know if it was because i havent done it for a while or if i got caught. She said it was ok but she doesnt get its not ok. My dad and our issues are getting to me, it hurts me, im in so much pain! i feel like i cant be happy but then at some times there is no way in the world i could be happyer!

Also i fingured her, first time, wow it was amazing and i was the one doing it not recieveing it. I just dont know how far we will go. I never thought it would be this far!

[fearless]

i need to go shopping for a homecoming dress, its like really soon and i was not even planning on going until my bestfriend talked me into it. Some idiot i hate asked her and she has issues saying no. Anyway so she said she would not go unless i went with someone. So now im going fun fun. Im going shopping, i really dont want to because shopping depresses me. I look at the mirror think how fat i look, see the scares and cuts and then spend money on something i really wont wear while that money could be going to someone who needed it. Thank god im not going with my mom, at least with her mom i might be able to hide the cuts. But i think in a few day they might be healed or atleast close. but eather way i need to get a dress.

[fearless]

i feel like i need to cut again! I need to stop this ****!

[fearless]

how skinny is to skinny, why does it matter today if someone has to be thin. mY paretns say i dont eat, i never eat and im not healthy. Tonight they like force fead me, made me eat and when they turned around i gave it to the dog and washed it down the drain. WHy does it matter if i want to be skinny, not that im not but its not like what they make it out to be. I do eat just not as much as they think i should. im not dead i have not passed out and u really cant see my ribs so its all good, why does it matter!

[fearless]

i cut my wrist, alot of things have been bugging me. Now i feel like sometimes she cant even make me happy but more sad. When she is sad it effects me really bad. I cut because i need it, i cant get on with out it. she does not know anything, she is asking but im lying. I feel bad but hey it will be ok if she does not know. I look down at my wrist and look at the cuts and i think about when i was little. Was this really the teen i thought i was going to be. Is this really who i want to be. I saw my self as a confident, pretty, outgoing teen. But really im a inconfident, pretty but dont show it and outgoing well yea but never good enough.

I drove yesterday for the first time it was pretty cool, exciting and amazing but i was scared.

My friend found a few poems i thought were pretty cool......
There was a boy, a very strange enchanted boy. They say he wandered very far, over land and sea. A little shy and sad of eye, but very wise was he And then one day, one magic day he passed my way, and while he spoke of many things, fools and kings, this he said to me. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.~

I wish I could cry;
Let the tears fall from my eyes.
Put an end to this heartache
that burns me inside.

I wish I could cry;
Let the tears fall from my eyes.
I can’t take any more
secrets or lies.
I wish I could cry;
Let the tears fall from my eyes.
Let go of my pain
and be happy again.

I wish I could cry;
Let the tears fall from my eyes.
Be freed from this hurt
that seems there’s no end.

But I can’t cry.
I’m too stubborn and proud.
Deep down in my heart
is where I cry aloud.

I cry for my pain
and the hurt and heartache.
I cry in my heart.
There’s only so much I can take.

So why can’t I cry?
Why not let my pain out?
I wish I could cry,
But the tears won’t come out.

[fearless]

She found out about the wrist! i dont know if she is worried or what..... as long as she is ok, i guess its all good. The cuts still have not healed yet. She does not know why i did it, but it doesnt matter because what she wount know wount hurt her........ unless she finds out!!

[fearless]

What are people so afaird of? Not being excepted but the rest of the world? i dont get why people change, change who they are just to fit in with people that r not like them. No one knows im Bi, excapt my bestfriend. Maybe everyone needs a bestfriend so they can tell them every thing. Or almost everything, but im afaird, afaird that if i do tell her everything i will hurt her. So i try not to but it usually comes out or she finds out! i had a great weekend, we were together, it made me happy! And alot of other stuff, but now im thinking about my dad and now im sad again. Really sad! And now im like everyone else and hiding what i feel, no one knows, its not cuz they dont care but because i dont let them in!

[fearless]

last friday was a year since i started cutting. Im not doing to well.I really dont want to go to school tomorrow but the term is almost over and i need to go.

[fearless]

With those brown piercing eyes. You see me suffer, not knowing quiet what to do. You know that the truth is hidden, gone to a place nobody ever sees. With no light of hope or sign of miracle. Nobody ever sees, nobody except you. You see through that thick wall. The wall between me and the world. You strive to see, to know, to believe. Your bound to find the real story of the broken me. You know, all because of those brown piercing eyes.

written by my bestfriend about me

[fearless]

What do u do when your bestfriend tryed to commit sucide?
Cut ?
OR try the same thing?

[fearless]

Frightened by the screams

Sitting on the stairs steps in the middle of the night
I hear u mommy and daddy
Knowing things just aren’t right

Daddy why do u hurt mommy
And mommy why do u be so mean
Wouldn’t it all be better if I didn’t hear your awful screams?

Why do u hit mommy?
Mommy why did u call the police?
Daddy I don’t understand, why are these people taking me?

Daddy why did u leave your ring by the bed
And Mommy why did u drink
And pretend to be so sad

Now I’m sitting in the bathroom lying on the floor
Wondering what went wrong that day
And why was there more

Why does it never seem to end?
Even thought I get bigger
I’m 8 now mommy and still confused like before!

We live in different houses
We are not happy
But even thought u 2 are separated your fighting more and more

I’ve lived 10 years now and moved to different states
But I still don’t understand
What did I do is this my faith!

Mom why did we leave dad
Why did he leave u?
Mommy I don’t understand is it something we do

“Yes dear, yes dear he hurt me real bad
He lied and pushed and shoved
And made you real SAD”

He never did that,
He only slipped a few times
Mom its me, all me I’m the one who mad u 2 so mad

Now I’m 15 wishing I was living on my own
I’m on the bathroom floor cutting my wrist
Whishing I had a home

I have a new dad now
Or so its said
And a new baby sister that I wish I have had

She is so perfect
Nothing like me
She is the little kid I had always wanted to be

But my new dad drinks
And my old mom calls the police
And once again I hear the screams

You scream cuz you’re sad
Your scream cuz you’re afraid
Well now I can’t take it being forced to survive in this place

Now I sit on the top of the stairs,
Like I use to do before
Knowing things aren’t right
And they are just like before.

[fearless]

So a cheap as* fake 20 dollar box blond i just about bet up. She is spreatding roomers about me, which i can handle, she is talking behind my back which i can deal with. She is even calling me bit*h and **** which frankly i dont give a S*it. But then she calls me a lasbo and a dike. I freaked and almost beat the S*it out of her, if it was not for my bestfriend that blond would have been mine!

[fearless]

so now i have a gf.
im really afaird, afaird things wont work out. Im afaird i will b hurt!

[fearless]

My bestfriend aka girlfriend wants to kill her self.
I ask her if i will see her tomorrow and she wont answer! I basically beg her and almost start to cry. I want to real bad, its not spose to be like this. It does not work like this.
One time she made me a promise, it was that she would never leave me. Im afaird for her to leave me. I love her so much. Everyone i love leaves me and i dont want her added to this list.
But each time i ask her if i will see her tomorrow she asks, "do u trust me" what kinda question is that. Of corse i trust her, but when she wont answer me it makes me think i shouldnt. She said she wont break her promise. But im still afaird. It makes me think that i have done something wrong, its like i cant help her. She is making me really upset because im the one person in her life that somewhat makes her happy and i am failing. Im losing her, whyy does she have to be so sad. Its because of me, i have failed as a friend. SHe says its not me but its her. Why does she say that why does she say she hates herself. Why do i see a beautiful, smart, and amazing person when she sees the total oppsit. She says that is what everyone will say, the postive not the truth, but she doesnt get it, im not there to lie to her. I want her to know the truth but the truth is not what she thinks. How can she say she hates herself. It makes me hate me, cuz i cant help her. Everything i do is wrong. Why is my baby doing this to herself, why wount she let me help her, why cant i help her.

[fearless]

People are starting to wonder, if im gay. People have asked me, people have asked her. Why dont i just tell them that i we are going out. why doesnt she just tell them we are together. I dont care if the school knows i just dont need my parents the gay hatters to find out. What is so wrong with being gay that i need to hide it. I really want to tell everyone how i am in love with her. We are more then just "close friends" but in love. How bad i want to kiss her in the hall way and hold her hand in the hall. How bad i want people to be happy for me. Just i cant afford it.
There is still that question am i gay or bi, like i have not told her yet, not like it really matters because i love her no matter what i am. But more and more i just see guys as a friend. Someone times it makes me sad, like i always pictured a big wedding and a big white dress but if im gay i cant do that. I cant have kids and if i adopt they would have to have 2 mom, think about how that would effect them, think about how it would effect my parents.
I want to be with her 4ever. like i want to live and sleep and just be hers forever. I dont think she gets that i want to marrie her, i dont think she gets that i want to have a family with her. I mean i have told her but i dont think she really understands and i really cant say anything because what if that freaks her out. I cant lose her, not over something stupid!

[fearless]

she did it, she snaped. She started puking again. Im not dissopointed but im really sad. Im not good enough for her, if i was she would talk to me she would stop for me and now she is doing it again. I couldnt stop her and she didnt even try to call me. SHe didnt want to be stopped. I tryed really hard to be carying and senstative but its really not working. I mean i have her fooled but why does she have to do this. Things between us our great and she pukes. I understand that she has a F*cked up family and she is having a hard time in highschool but im her excape. Why didnt she come to me before she did, why didnt she tell me. Im not good enough, and she didnt want to be stopped. SHe still wants to die and its scaring me. I cant tell anyone but i cant lose her. I dont want to have to bury my bestfriend/girlfriend. It kills me and by killing herself she would kill me. Im hanging it there why cant she. I tell her only 3 more year till highschool is over but she doesnt care. She has made it so far and she wants to give it all up with being so close to the end of living with her family!

[fearless]

SO my day was sh*t right!
i hung out with a few friends not my girlfriend because she is grounded because of me which makes me feel like sh*t btw. Anyway so i was totally about to break down, they didnt know it because im just amazing at hidding it. But i was thinking what would i have said uhhh yea im a gay cutter that is boarding aneroxria, i have been abuse and my step dad is a alocholic and oh yea i wish i could die... litterly. Yea a little to much to handle! for anyone.
SH*T im like pissed, so i went on a run today and a walk for like 2 1/2 hours, not one cared i was gone.... yep thats my f*cking family or so called.

Im thinking about after i go to collage i might join the peace core, or the army. Im planning on living with my girlfriend but i need to get out of here and do something good for someone else. I mean here im nothing.... i need to be something, or be gone.

Im really worried about my weight, i weigh about 100 right now, i have lost 8 pounds in a short amount of time. i didnt eat like anything for a while! then i would eat about a meal a day! and now im back to eating nothing. But today i like went on a beinge and i want to get rid of it. I feel bad, puking is not an option, but laxtives are. I need to get ride of this food, i cant gain weight, no one wants a fat dancer!

[fearless]

My addiction

My problems could haunt me, but I won't allow them to
For every bad moment, there's only one thing that
helps me thru
I take this blade and slowly I feel the pain
Hoping that all of my heartache will soon be able
to drain
I've heard that I'm crazy and I've heard that I'm sick
But honestly this is a habit I can't seem to kick
My scars are like a journal, they remind me of my
past
But with each passing moment, I pray that it won't last
Cutting is an addiction, it's my drug of choice
Its the only way my depression will let me hear my
own voice
I dont brag about it, but its a fact I can't change
It gives me something else to focus on, other than
my heart's pain

[fearless]

so i took them. i told someone and they freaked. How big of an idiot am I. Really i mean why would u tell someone that. So they want to tell on me and they keep saying s*it like how it would be the best for me. When really it wouldnt. My mom would freak i would be sent away and everything would be messed up. He has not told for now but i will never ever ever ever tell him anythign again. I dont trust him. I told him i wouldnt do it again and if i did i would tell him. YA RIGHT!!! I just said that to bullS*it me way out of being told on. yea i might do it again and i wount tell him. HE said he care but really he does not give a f*ck its a big stupid game to him. He doesnt get it, he does not understand me. Why is it so funny to F*ck with me. I dont think he will tell. He doesnt have the courage to rat me out!

[fearless]

so he didnt do it or rat me out.
My gf wants to skip school but if she did i dont know what i would do. I love her to death but she cant do that. What if she dropped out! IT starts wih skipping!

[fearless]

so my bestfriend wants to kill herself. She said she was going to. Then i told her if she did i would die to. I told her i would kill myself. Im searious because life with out her is too painful. I need her and she wants to die. She needs to get a teh message that i love her.She needs to stay around! I love her. I cant lose her. She does not understand, god her mom is killing her. And starting to kill me 2!

[fearless]

well alot has happened.
My baby and i have been going out for over a month. Lets see i ate her out which was deffiently different. Uhh we have been naked together but never in the light. Im just a freak with someone seeing me. but the other day i say her naked. God she is so hott. She thinks she is not but omg i love her and she is so so so fricken hott. Uhh she took off my shirt and bra which at first made me really unconfortable. It scared me but i want to do it again. I asked her how can u be so confortable and so insure at the same time. Another thing that drives me crazy is since we are both girls we both get periods. God i hate it, i mean i never expect to have kids, partly cuz if i love a woman then i cant and also i would be a terrible parent!!!

More searious, she almost drank and drinking i hate. I hate drugs, drinking and abuse. Also she told me she would never leave me but every time i see her i always think that is the last time i will see her. GOD it scares me so much, so i hug her and hug her hard. I love my baby, i cant lose her!

[fearless]

Im am try so F*cking hard not to break down here.
SHe tryed to cut her self. Its all on her arm. God im feeling it now, like yesterday iwas like crap but today im like god I should just fricken die. I cant help her and she wount let me!!!
Just it hurts so bad, its hurting me, she is hurting me. WHY CANT I HELP!!!

[fearless]

Merry christmas and happy new years.
i have been away for a while. I went to see my dad and his girlfriend. I dont belong and he hurts me. But its ok cuz I dont live there so forget it.. forget them.
Last night she slept over my house, god i was so excited to see u. All week i was thinking what can i say to her what will i do. what will we do. We celebrated the new year together. Its amazing a year ago i was over her house and she wouldnt even let me hug her. last night we slept together naked and touching eachother and finguring and eat her out. It was great. Then she got a headach! I helped her and then i dosed off for a few minutes and had a nightmare. I was scared it was like when i was little with my night tares. Why do i let him haunt me in my dreams. Why does it hurt. She has been wanting to kill herself again. Im so afaird i will lose my bestfriend and my girl friend. I cant lose her, so i poped i cryed in her arms and she told me she was srry. What a way to bring in the new year right. I dont cry i cant i need to be there for her. and she needs to be here for me. She cant leave, we talk about some day when we get older living together and sleeping together every night and possible adopting a child. I need her to stay and be with me. I love her!

[fearless]

i cut again!

[fearless]

i just got a message from someone on gamewinners. It made me cry, right now im going through so much **** and crap and just everything seems to be worse. My mom thinks im gay, i hate everyone. my life is falling apart, my bestfrined/gf i feel like everytime i see her its going to b my last. My mom thinks i hate her... my stepdad drinks and i want to cut and im worried about my weight. THat letter though i feel like out of everything has given me some hope! Thank u and talk to me anytime it means the world!